Monday 30 April 2012

A second anniversary

From tears and demolition
From hard graft and sweat
From vinyl, glue and rubble 
From a house and garden burdened with wood, nails, metal, and other stuff
To two rooms clutter free.
To laughter, leisure, relaxation, pleasure
To furnished and finished floors
To sleep and reflection 
For work is not yet finished.
Tears continue from time to time
Without skills for the next round of home improvement
Energy levels and motivation need to be grasped
So much has been achieved but I have wasted time
and now I try and get a different grip on the future 
and not on the floor!

These photographs show how The Small Room  has developed.
Two years ago I signed the Acte De Vente and I became an owner of French property.

Recently, cousins made encouraging comments about how beautiful the finished rooms are with the observation that the property IS A LARGE PROJECT, of which I do not need a reminder.  An English couple a few weeks ago suggested that I / we had achieved a lot in two years.  It's true if I could re-run the video...but on the other hand I am capable of complete and utter laziness coupled with exhaustion and fatigue, of which I am not proud.

House ownership requires responsibility. Now I felt THAT in UK, with the three properties I had part-owned or owned entirely, but nothing prepared me for the vision, courage and responsibility required for not only this property, but also for myself.

My learning is not yet over for Life continues. I've had to grow up, stop being parented, stop being needy. These behaviour patterns developed in life but especially after M.E. and then after a total collapse just under a decade ago .......... there are no excuses. I've had to learn to make decisions and choices and budget large sums of money that scare me.  I have failed at times.  I'm scared of having savings and scared of having none.  I need to develop bravery and courage.
The trauma in the last few years has been quite damaging.  I've hurt people and been hurt myself.  I haven't always been very nice and have shamed and been ashamed. I fully understand why events turned the way they have,  and although I know why it did not need to have been like that. I am in remorse and this holds me back.

I have had to learn to live alone without the support of my adult children and without acquaintances nearby.  I am grateful that my son helped me.  I am grateful that my daughter nags me from a distance.  I am also grateful that a friend returned to help me, to give support, to give technical and practical assistance.  Despite all the waters that have flowed under the bridge and all the emotions that have accompanied the tidal waves, and despite the viewpoints of others who were hurt in the flak, the friend has been without question the only one who could have helped me in such extended support, given the circumstances that I chose and given the circumstances that I have not addressed.

I can't say that I'm happy on this second anniversary, but I am happier than in June 2010.  I can't say that I am sad.  I can say that from time to time I suffer from acute anxiety with fear that appears to paralyze my body and brain and I feel as if I have lost the plot of sanity. I think it comes of living alone.  I can say that I am beginning to look more clearly at possibilities for the future.  I can say that I try to be more positive and optimistic and go with the flow.  I try to make boundaries.

So during all this  learning of self-awareness, I want to live and not always be renovating.  There are so many other things in life.  I know that I am on avoidance of some things and have been for many years.  Time to address issues.  It will be wonderful when rooms don't look like a workshop and when I have some proper storage facilities.

And so on this day,  I celebrate survival and will try to address the goals which need to be achieved within the next year.  I will try to be a better parent and better homeowner, a better friend to everyone including my inner me.

Sunday 29 April 2012

Lovely walk

Sun shimmering on noisy waters of a rushing river,
light blitzing pupils in the eyes as sun shafts beam fragmented in the liquid,
purple toothwort, not spotted yesterday, parasitic on roots of trees,
step down steps that could easily be slipped upon,
climb up slopes of rocky terrain where rain made mud,
Limbering, liberating limbs.

Aperos

Yesterday, I invited some French friends, who I had not met for a while, for evening aperos.  I served a Baron de Pierre Bordeaux 2008 and I could tell by the way that F swirled the glass and looked at it that it was to his satisfaction.   I've become out of the habit of purchasing cheaper wine in favour of upping the expense. It seems that better wine gets savoured, not quaffed and these days my consumption of wine has reduced.  Maybe I am not drowning my sorrows??!!
I created my strangely folded pastry bites made with sun-dried tomatoes and smoked salmon, or in this case, anchovy hors d'oeuvres...with a platter of dried fruits, nuts and olives. It was a French compliment that E liked the fact that I had not kept the cheese in the refrigerator.  I rarely keep cheese in the fridge as my cold larder room is sufficiently cold to prevent real cheese from running away with itself!
When they arrived, I heard a sentence about "en beauté" ... I asked for this to be repeated. I need to slow down their rapid speech and to comprehend what on earth they were talking about.  F explained that each time they saw me, then my hair, my clothes, ..... not completely understanding 'les nuances d'expression' and being modest to begin with, eventually I had to express an "ooh la la" and laugh, when I realised that they were being charming, as only ever the French are,  courteous, kind and complimentary.   I am not a person of beauty but sometimes I believe I can exude a kind of radiance and delight to be with company.  When not alone in my head, I feel as if I am a different person. I'm writing this information to myself so that I can learn to keep my morale on the up!!!!!!!

Saturday 28 April 2012

I am with you always

I love this card by Elizabeth Wang.  I received it from my lovely daughter.  I placed a lemon in front of the postcard because it arrived on my wonky, lemony day and because the citric colour from the citrus fruits energised my own thoughts.  The religious interpretation of the card causes me to reflect upon the person who chose it for me! I wished to share it with others.

Monday 23 April 2012

Good News



The woodburner was re-installed a few weeks ago.  Again, the room looks very beautiful. 

I had to gather courage to light it. Fortunately the days became colder. It has performed well on several lightings and doesn't roar as once it did.  I've noticed that the bottom hinge pin on the door is rusty...it's such a little thing that I don't want to be a nuisance to the company but feel I do need to tell as it grates, (excuse the pun), as I open and close the door.

I can't thank my helper enough in getting it sorted. 

I shall call those two rooms "The Annexe" as they are a haven of peace amidst chaos and dust.

Sunday 22 April 2012

When Life gives Lemons

When Life gives Lemons.........
No, I'm not going to make lemonade although several weeks ago when Spring brought promise of Summer only to jet us into Winter, I did think real lemonade would be rather nice.
Today, any lemony thought makes me suck in the cheeks to give that expression that I was often accused of when I hadn't approved of something, and which also someone else I knew demonstrated on a daily basis.
I'm sure the Lemons will turn into something sweeter as Time progresses.
I need to identify goals with zest, which are achievable but not put them all into one basket, like eggs!
Lemons and Goals in Life are sometimes overwhelmingly bitter unless taken with a drop of Gin.
Not only Lemons, but setbacks can be annoyingly, depressingly frustrating, causing a need to throw the Lemons through the air!
But I do like a slice of lemon in my Earl Grey tea, home-made Lemon Meringue Pie, Pickled lemons with Moroccan lamb, Marmalade and many other lemony-flavoured foods ... so maybe gather the lemons that arrive on my doorstep and get cracking... oh..that's eggs... and I definitely must not put them all into one basket!

Thursday 12 April 2012

The Bathroom

Q: How am I getting along with bathroom renovations? 
A:  Yes, it's two months since I blogged about a bath and having a laugh.
Yes, since then work stopped for 2 weeks whilst I went to UK.
Yes, since then, wall tiles have been grouted.
The walls have been painted but may need further coats as I did not get quite the colours I envisaged.
Plumbing of waste water is more or less done.
Other plumbing is all installed but has to be tested after the connection is made with the pipes that come from the chauffeau thermodynamique (posh water heater that absorbs heat from the room!)
The sink shelf had a set back in that my choice of sink was wrong.... although it was the correct size for the table top.  Somehow, it always did have a question mark about it and yet I didn't want to give up on it. However, the deciding factor WAS that the through route was thought to be too narrow between the corners of the sink and the bath.   A corner sink was suggested but a more dramatic look was required by me.  I have little energy but after a mad 4 hour round trip, I found a sink, not of the correct dimensions, but something I thought would work and it cost too much!  Hey ho!!!!! I'm looking forward to cleaning my teeth as I look into it and it is made of glass!!!!!
The bath is in situ, insulated with sheets of fibre-glass wadding with the bath panel being built.  Tricky to get measurements exact so that the tiling fits neatly on. But my friend is doing well despite whatever he thinks.
So far, so good.
I hope to report a more finished room ... SOON!!!!!!!
We are very tired.
Four short days is all we can do. If I ache, then so must he.
I think mine must be the fibromyalgia again!!!! 

Wednesday 11 April 2012

Brocante

The rain held off, the sun shone and still we needed warm jumpers for May is not yet out.
For my twelve hour stint on site I was rewarded a reasonable sum to compensate for the waste of funds I'd made in previous times.........it was good to see my surplus to requirements items,  and my inherited waste junk, and nice things that I don't need anymore, being re-distributed around the globe with all the other plethora.

For now I am past the stage of visiting car boot sales and antique shops, although fun to look at,  I'm at the selling stage. I am not however adverse to seeing a bargain and selling it at a profit!  This unto now unknown trait must come from my parents who were not only shop keepers but also market traders, doggy breeders and trainers (my mother was a judge and has been in the doggy world for over 60 years) and a long way before that my family travelled in the Royal Scotts Family Circus.  Fascinating, that as people we develop from one generation to another.  Just because our ancestors were something should not tar us.  Many are those who fall as well as those who rise above. 

Sunday 1 April 2012

In memoriam

In memory of dearest
  Avril   
a  sincere, trustworthy friend
who took her own life.
 No one knew her disguised mental anguish.
Now she lies where she arrived
on an island 
off the coast of Germany.
Unknown to her,
her disappearance caused long lasting bereavement to those who loved her.
She is greatly missed.