there above, in a blue sky,
flies a lone swallow,
flies a lone swallow,
so exciting to witness,
so hopeful a promise
of happiness and hope.
so hopeful a promise
of happiness and hope.
Showing posts with label Prose. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Prose. Show all posts
Tuesday 22 March 2016
Wednesday 10 February 2016
Wtfiiaa?
This particular blog started as a way of recording the renovation of a property... much as many others have used a blog format as a journal.
However, it also became unintentionally, a vehicle for an emotional journey, after the break-up of what I thought was a relationship made-in-heaven. No such thing exists, I have discerned. My vulnerable dream was shattered by my own negative energies and those of another. My dream of having a relationship that incorporated all that I dreamt of in terms of 'happy family' sharing when my parents never did, came to fruition fleetingly and then was quickly dissolved by irritability. scorn, criticism and blame and maybe other stuff. Let's not go down that road for now!
This blog has seen a few up and down episodes of my personal life since 2010 or whenever I started to blog, in retrospect to that time that I bought my property. This blog has also commented on places and events. It has witnessed my observations of, and in, my village and surroundings. I try to avoid personal and family pics. I try to be cautious with global internet exposure but sometimes fail!
On occasions I tried the challenge of blogging every day of a month by writing articles ahead of time when the facility to do that became a possibility, or I discovered it! It takes time to get photos prepped and an article written. I have posted deliberately and unconsciously as a form of creativity, as well as avoidance of doing other tasks - let's call that procrastination!
Sometimes I write ahead, then edit and re-edit before publishing. Most often I write and publish. To the discerning few who bother to read this ego-centred self-published material, they may have identified that sometimes I edit after publishing. Sometimes I feel I've been too public with the emotional outpouring. Or a poem needs to be improved or altered to make it, in my mind, better! Or my form of dyslexia has come to be too garbled in its word-salad, so I have to rewrite the nonsense sentences into ones that can be understood and not misinterpreted!
Sometimes there have been major gaps between postings, where I've become silent, unmotivated, dispirited, when words or creativity are blocked. The gaps might signify I have been occupied or that I have nothing worthy of publication. The gaps may signify that I have been in a dark hole of depression or contemplation of the thought: "W--- t-- f--- i- i- a-- a----?"
This posting is in itself an admission of that. Excuse me for any sensitivities of the use of an expletive. Isn't it amazing how few letters are required for one to be able to read a sentence? My children at school loved that they could read, if I covered the ascenders or descenders of letters!
It is also an admission that I do NOT produce this for others... I produce it for me. Very ego-centred! I am aware and what is wrong with that form of artistry? I do not seek compliments but if you wish to make them then I feel honoured. If you feel you want to refute me or disagree then you can do that too! My blog is a kind of diary. I am proud of it. I am proud of the progress I have made in writing skills when at the end of my career I was writing absolute goobledy-gook for important documents: no one told me!!! - no one even understood - least of all did I realise that dyslexia manifests itself under stress. I feel it is remarkable what I have achieved given that at the age of 17 I had not much idea about literacy! From an early age I read the dictionary at bedtime to learn vocabulary and spelling because I'd read the main reading material - the family print company's selection of Charles Dickens novels.
I have made progress coping with and in the particular challenges I've experienced of living in France. All the downs and all the ups. It is called LIFE and possibly would not be any different wherever I lived. I am who I am! However, I think the very fact that one lives in a different culture where the primary language is my secondary language, does make an enormous difference to sanity, as also does the fact that the country is huge. To go to a supermarket or anywhere to experience culture is a often a long journey necessitating the ownership of a vehicle!
My former blog tried very hard to gloss over the hidden REALITY that was not exposed to others in the lifestyle that my former partner and I were living, although there were some who knew and who were helpless to help, because as for all of us, there is only one who can make a difference, and that person inside us needs a certain amount of knowledge, skills and talents that perhaps doesn't quite exist when it is required. Some friends and members of my family said they would not read either of my blogs because the first was not REAL! It was my real! It was often the better parts of life as it stood then in a chocolate box cottage surrounded by sheep and a pony where I learned to write poetry. We had some wonderful positive experiences and I really should find the time and expertise to transform these blogs into book format. For me. for my grand child. For posterity or they can burn it at a later date!
People make things. I have done so. I made music. I fed children's curiosity. I have in the past sewn, crocheted, knitted etc. I like to write. My poetry is quite substantial now and this too I would like to get published alongside my photography such as it is!
Meanwhile the spectre of a kitchen room haunts me...
It seems so obscene, the price it will cost to have the kitchen room electrics rewired for first and second fix! The flooring seems reasonable but I am undecided on wood or ceramic that looks like wood but I think real wood will win the day! Then the furniture and appliance costs seem so obscene. Yet what I love is expensive. I have expensive tastes as a pauper! My mother aged 89, said to my daughter when giving her a Christmas gift and not one for me, that I have everything I need!!!!!!! Maybe she is correct. I have relatively exceptional health for someone my age and I am stil young even if old but I hold no bars to my daughter...who gasps at some things I say... and yet it is tame, very tame, compared to some tigers! All my life my mother has always said that I have ideas above my station! And indeed I have... and wtfiiaa in this isolated west facing property on the outskirts of a beautiful ( so they say) village!!!! They don't live here! Let's not go down that road.
However, it also became unintentionally, a vehicle for an emotional journey, after the break-up of what I thought was a relationship made-in-heaven. No such thing exists, I have discerned. My vulnerable dream was shattered by my own negative energies and those of another. My dream of having a relationship that incorporated all that I dreamt of in terms of 'happy family' sharing when my parents never did, came to fruition fleetingly and then was quickly dissolved by irritability. scorn, criticism and blame and maybe other stuff. Let's not go down that road for now!
This blog has seen a few up and down episodes of my personal life since 2010 or whenever I started to blog, in retrospect to that time that I bought my property. This blog has also commented on places and events. It has witnessed my observations of, and in, my village and surroundings. I try to avoid personal and family pics. I try to be cautious with global internet exposure but sometimes fail!
On occasions I tried the challenge of blogging every day of a month by writing articles ahead of time when the facility to do that became a possibility, or I discovered it! It takes time to get photos prepped and an article written. I have posted deliberately and unconsciously as a form of creativity, as well as avoidance of doing other tasks - let's call that procrastination!
Sometimes I write ahead, then edit and re-edit before publishing. Most often I write and publish. To the discerning few who bother to read this ego-centred self-published material, they may have identified that sometimes I edit after publishing. Sometimes I feel I've been too public with the emotional outpouring. Or a poem needs to be improved or altered to make it, in my mind, better! Or my form of dyslexia has come to be too garbled in its word-salad, so I have to rewrite the nonsense sentences into ones that can be understood and not misinterpreted!
Sometimes there have been major gaps between postings, where I've become silent, unmotivated, dispirited, when words or creativity are blocked. The gaps might signify I have been occupied or that I have nothing worthy of publication. The gaps may signify that I have been in a dark hole of depression or contemplation of the thought: "W--- t-- f--- i- i- a-- a----?"
This posting is in itself an admission of that. Excuse me for any sensitivities of the use of an expletive. Isn't it amazing how few letters are required for one to be able to read a sentence? My children at school loved that they could read, if I covered the ascenders or descenders of letters!
It is also an admission that I do NOT produce this for others... I produce it for me. Very ego-centred! I am aware and what is wrong with that form of artistry? I do not seek compliments but if you wish to make them then I feel honoured. If you feel you want to refute me or disagree then you can do that too! My blog is a kind of diary. I am proud of it. I am proud of the progress I have made in writing skills when at the end of my career I was writing absolute goobledy-gook for important documents: no one told me!!! - no one even understood - least of all did I realise that dyslexia manifests itself under stress. I feel it is remarkable what I have achieved given that at the age of 17 I had not much idea about literacy! From an early age I read the dictionary at bedtime to learn vocabulary and spelling because I'd read the main reading material - the family print company's selection of Charles Dickens novels.
I have made progress coping with and in the particular challenges I've experienced of living in France. All the downs and all the ups. It is called LIFE and possibly would not be any different wherever I lived. I am who I am! However, I think the very fact that one lives in a different culture where the primary language is my secondary language, does make an enormous difference to sanity, as also does the fact that the country is huge. To go to a supermarket or anywhere to experience culture is a often a long journey necessitating the ownership of a vehicle!
My former blog tried very hard to gloss over the hidden REALITY that was not exposed to others in the lifestyle that my former partner and I were living, although there were some who knew and who were helpless to help, because as for all of us, there is only one who can make a difference, and that person inside us needs a certain amount of knowledge, skills and talents that perhaps doesn't quite exist when it is required. Some friends and members of my family said they would not read either of my blogs because the first was not REAL! It was my real! It was often the better parts of life as it stood then in a chocolate box cottage surrounded by sheep and a pony where I learned to write poetry. We had some wonderful positive experiences and I really should find the time and expertise to transform these blogs into book format. For me. for my grand child. For posterity or they can burn it at a later date!
People make things. I have done so. I made music. I fed children's curiosity. I have in the past sewn, crocheted, knitted etc. I like to write. My poetry is quite substantial now and this too I would like to get published alongside my photography such as it is!
Meanwhile the spectre of a kitchen room haunts me...
It seems so obscene, the price it will cost to have the kitchen room electrics rewired for first and second fix! The flooring seems reasonable but I am undecided on wood or ceramic that looks like wood but I think real wood will win the day! Then the furniture and appliance costs seem so obscene. Yet what I love is expensive. I have expensive tastes as a pauper! My mother aged 89, said to my daughter when giving her a Christmas gift and not one for me, that I have everything I need!!!!!!! Maybe she is correct. I have relatively exceptional health for someone my age and I am stil young even if old but I hold no bars to my daughter...who gasps at some things I say... and yet it is tame, very tame, compared to some tigers! All my life my mother has always said that I have ideas above my station! And indeed I have... and wtfiiaa in this isolated west facing property on the outskirts of a beautiful ( so they say) village!!!! They don't live here! Let's not go down that road.
Saturday 23 August 2014
Waiting to be Here
A Red Ferrari parked at least overnight outside LaBelleVue.
An English registered Black MX5 parked for at least a week along my street.
A push to stretch muscles and walk gentle slopes of almost vehicle free lanes,
to the crucifix, to crossroads.
For 50 minutes goodness abounds observing the change of Season.
Enjoy the peace and calm that Autumn brings.
Passing my land I note that it is two weeks since it has been mown,
the longest period of all the year!
Earlier this year, it needed to be mown every five days,
usually every seven at the most!
Dreading the mowing but then a feeling of joy will transcend.
It will be worth it for that!
Knowing that this is the time for other work as well as gardening.
For tidying and clearing, for turning over.
Ploughed fields reveal clean brown terrain.
Ploughed fields bring hope and promise.
In the distance it must be a deer or more running field on field as a result of farm vehicle movement.
In the distance rabbits race like the speed of lightning, bobbing their cotton-tails.
Stamp on recently fallen walnuts revealing mooshiness, fruit blackened rotten.
Stamp.
Wait for solutions.
Waiting.
When one doesn't know what to do one waits.
A friend said that.
I know what to do as well as wait.
Keep occupied.
Much there is accumulated from all the yesterdays.
So for all the tomorrows I'd better sort it.
Let the day unfold.
Cycles turn in the mind.
Dreams wheel and turn.
What would it be like to just walk and walk?
To get there.
Where?
Anywhere.
And then one would be Here.
Here in Peace.
Calm.
Until...
An English registered Black MX5 parked for at least a week along my street.
A push to stretch muscles and walk gentle slopes of almost vehicle free lanes,
to the crucifix, to crossroads.
For 50 minutes goodness abounds observing the change of Season.
Enjoy the peace and calm that Autumn brings.
Passing my land I note that it is two weeks since it has been mown,
the longest period of all the year!
Earlier this year, it needed to be mown every five days,
usually every seven at the most!
Dreading the mowing but then a feeling of joy will transcend.
It will be worth it for that!
Knowing that this is the time for other work as well as gardening.
For tidying and clearing, for turning over.
Ploughed fields reveal clean brown terrain.
Ploughed fields bring hope and promise.
In the distance it must be a deer or more running field on field as a result of farm vehicle movement.
In the distance rabbits race like the speed of lightning, bobbing their cotton-tails.
Stamp on recently fallen walnuts revealing mooshiness, fruit blackened rotten.
Stamp.
Wait for solutions.
Waiting.
When one doesn't know what to do one waits.
A friend said that.
I know what to do as well as wait.
Keep occupied.
Much there is accumulated from all the yesterdays.
So for all the tomorrows I'd better sort it.
Let the day unfold.
Cycles turn in the mind.
Dreams wheel and turn.
What would it be like to just walk and walk?
To get there.
Where?
Anywhere.
And then one would be Here.
Here in Peace.
Calm.
Until...
Thursday 29 May 2014
Beginnings, Middles, and Ends
I quote from Gilda Radner who died of Ovarian Cancer.
I quote from Robert Frost from 'In the home stretch' who died as a result of prostate surgery.
Chinese philosophy foretells that when we close an opportunity, we open another... just like opening and closing doors and windows. THUS THERE IS the heading of my blog created three years ago, whilst grappling with trauma I felt was sprinkled upon me!
“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.”and
I quote from Robert Frost from 'In the home stretch' who died as a result of prostate surgery.
“I don’t want to find out what can’t be known. But who first said the word to come?”Restless in France is sure she doesn't like endings, nor does she like ONLY beginnings. Middles are vitally important!
“My dear, It’s who first thought the thought. You’re searching, Joe, For things that don’t exist; I mean beginnings. Ends and beginnings––there are no such things. There are only middles.
"What is this?" “This life? Our sitting here by lantern-light together Amid the wreckage of a former home? You won’t deny the lantern isn’t new. The stove is not, and you are not to me, Nor I to you.”
“Perhaps you never were?” “It would take me forever to recite All that’s not new in where we find ourselves.
New is a word for fools in towns who think
Style upon style in dress and thought at last
Must get somewhere. I’ve heard you say as much.
No, this is no beginning.”
“Then an end?”
“End is a gloomy word.”
Chinese philosophy foretells that when we close an opportunity, we open another... just like opening and closing doors and windows. THUS THERE IS the heading of my blog created three years ago, whilst grappling with trauma I felt was sprinkled upon me!
Thursday 16 May 2013
Flowers make life bright
From my poetic cousin
Once you regain your strength,
Once you regain your strength,
life generally will have a
brighter perspective.
Try to relax rather than dwell on painful
episodes.
Like flowers you have just planted in the garden,
sunshine will make everything seem even brighter.
Peony and Anemone
Sunday 1 January 2012
Welcome to Year 2012
when previously shedded tears, over years,
moved frustration into an unperceived scenario,
for I had been an adult but not grown up,
I had been childish instead of childlike
and so contributed to the drama.
for I had been an adult but not grown up,
I had been childish instead of childlike
and so contributed to the drama.
I tried to understand my inner self, and the inner being of another
and all that went right and all that went wrong.
In a simplistic and naive fashion,
I had over-expectations.
The pain when there should have been joy
wasted emotional energies and time
BUT
I had over-expectations.
The pain when there should have been joy
wasted emotional energies and time
BUT
....all things come to pass....
.....wherever there is a Hello, there is a Goodbye....
.....when one door closes another opens....
....every cloud has a silver lining....
....my glass is half full, not half empty....
....I am a lucky woman and still have precious life...
etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
As I can't make sense of any of it,
LIVING
must be got on with to re-discover the joy and happiness in ourselves.
As I can't make sense of any of it,
LIVING
must be got on with to re-discover the joy and happiness in ourselves.
I count myself privileged in that my friend is still a friend,
and other Friends including my Family
have attempted to understand my reasoning.
have attempted to understand my reasoning.
Though they are few,
they are good, decent, honourable people
whom I truly value.
I count my self privileged because I meet
wonderful people in the world.
I learn a little something from everyone if I open my eyes and ears
and I thank those who persist in reading my literary efforts.
There are things I wish to do and improve
whilst fighting hard to instil motivation in my soul.
Perhaps it has something to do with
winter,
having bought this house,
having bought this house,
not having a bathroom,
having French shutters closed against the cold and not letting in the light,
living in a village where the shutters closed, one knows not who is there,
living in a village where the shutters closed, one knows not who is there,
my age,
not being 100% well,
being potentially lazy,
THINKING too much,
not being 100% well,
being potentially lazy,
THINKING too much,
or absolute emotional exhaustion experienced,
and have been paying for,
for a long time
for a long time
causing the current message:
take advantage of winter, hibernate and sleep.
YET
I still know how to laugh on many a day and moment
even if the tears arrive before the laughter.
take advantage of winter, hibernate and sleep.
YET
I still know how to laugh on many a day and moment
even if the tears arrive before the laughter.
Despite knocks, setbacks, and barb-wired fences to jump
I know it'll be alright and
I know it'll be alright and
I'M GOING TO TURN IT AROUND.
I wish to meet new people, see places, do things I haven't done,
fulfil the promise of more than seven years ago
and whilst some has come true
it is my belief that I am
RestlessinFrance
and
RestlesswhereverIam
RestlessinFrance
and
RestlesswhereverIam
because I need to travel,
like my ancestral forebears travelled.
However, challenges have to be completed
and so my NEW YEAR MESSAGE, even for my inner self, is:
JUST DO IT!
With love
from whoever I am
to whoever you are
wherever you may be.
I hope to find my goal by loving so that new doors will open and let in the dream.
Whatever you do, and wherever you are, enjoy being who you are, with whoever you are with, even if it is your very self, life is truth itself.
To add for good measure
I stole some words from Caroline.
I know her not but her sentiment seems to have become a mantra for me.
"A home is where a heart is and my heart is in France as well as near the sea and the East Anglian coast. When I love two or more places, I can enjoy being wherever I am, and when I go from one place to the other I can always look forward to going home!"
I hope to find my goal by loving so that new doors will open and let in the dream.
 |
| May your dreams and wishes become truth. |
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