An adverb:
as in
still in this place where I live
continuing to breathe
nevertheless
alone.
A noun:
as in
the stillness of this French maison
where quietness returns
where there is lack of much movement, activity, persons, tasks
where 'tis not noiseless,
for Freezer boils from time to time so that Clock can be heard ticking its song.
NOR
as in
stillness of air, water, weather
though 'undisturbed'
I am trying to be.
NOR
as in
still as a frame in a movie
though stop is what
I am trying to do.
NOR
as in
an apparatus to distill alcohol
still even a strong gin and tonic or a snifter of Armagnac would be a slippery slope!
An adjective:
as in
still lemonade - a non fizzy drink
OR
as in
it is not yet possible to be still
OR
as in
not moving or making a sound of being motionless in the DEAD stillness of a life form deceased.
I don't for one moment wish that!
I am trying to stay STILL.
Keep my WILL of not scattering.
Nevertheless,
I have no will to post, update a blog
but perhaps after a while
after time has healed the moments of the past,
and there is a stillness between memories of joy, sorrow, regret, gratitude
there will come a time when I can backdate and appreciate.
I came to say the last
BUT Creativity came to mind
whilst being still, focused on words, not emotions.
Being still,
letting my mind be me,
it wrote a poem!
Showing posts with label Thought. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thought. Show all posts
Saturday 6 August 2016
Wednesday 13 January 2016
Thinking outside of the box
RANDOM THOUGHTS THAT POP INTO MY HEAD ... in this case, as I light the woodburner and look at the crisp clear blue sky.
I have thought this, in this link which I include here ... not so much about his music but his eloquent intellectual style:
he was the one who did open the theatrical door onto a world already heading in that direction of openness in the late 70s...
who did make it OK for people to experiment with who they are to find their true person.
This man who has just died seems to have almost a godly persona .. and I believe he really has walked into the gates of heaven! I also believe that his life, now ended, will ricochet causing new positive developments in a modern world which is already changing.
The BBC one can share the link: http://bbc.in/1n7er5h
and if that link does not work:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/music/articles/d5c291be-258c-4217-922e-38f9d78de878
and so I do agree ....
For some months, I've been trying to fathom out why my daughter is as she is... I have been thinking that her because it is my opinion that she has not been using her creativity, her intelligence, her happiness, her complex talents...one would perhaps think she isn't very intelligent but she has deep, deep knowledge that is blocked for some reason. She finds it difficult to be consistent - don't many of us? That in itself is a consistency in that she is inconsistent!!!!!!
Creativity is important.. people cannot live around the internet...I know this about my own behaviour. Two different peas in a pod!
As a young, naive person with television in the house, which I didn't often like to watch when family did on a boringly basis, I didn't know about the REAL world but I did tap into the aural one. We had loud, non stop rock music in our houses, once I'd left home. I also played classical stuff as a music student, until I managed to find Radio 4 and 'Woman's Hour' in my life. My husband played Indian music. One rental was a student house, the next in the middle of a field attached to a neighbour was a house sit where we were mindful of sound levels. Another was a detached house in the middle of rural England where the nearest neighbour was some distance! Great years for feeling a sense of freedom and an attempt at 'the good life'. They were the times, the early 1970s when even though one was a rebel one still did what establishment said ... for example, following what the BABY BOOKS said about babies... and I very much regret their advice to leave the screaming child who needed a hug to sob itself to sleep!!!!!!!
The internet for me is a wonderful tool for personal self learning and to learn about psychology, but as David Bowie said it comes with a WARNING LABEL: those are not his words. He warns of the creativity of the tool but also of the dangerous aspects which indeed that prophecy is indeed true.
In the last 24 hours I have discovered a very interesting man... also suffering from a common phenomena of anxiety about the world and self.
He thought outside of the box. In my younger years I too was encouraged to think sideways. However, my problem was that I was never proactive!
I have thought this, in this link which I include here ... not so much about his music but his eloquent intellectual style:
he was the one who did open the theatrical door onto a world already heading in that direction of openness in the late 70s...
who did make it OK for people to experiment with who they are to find their true person.
This man who has just died seems to have almost a godly persona .. and I believe he really has walked into the gates of heaven! I also believe that his life, now ended, will ricochet causing new positive developments in a modern world which is already changing.
The BBC one can share the link: http://bbc.in/1n7er5h
and if that link does not work:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/music/articles/d5c291be-258c-4217-922e-38f9d78de878
and so I do agree ....
For some months, I've been trying to fathom out why my daughter is as she is... I have been thinking that her because it is my opinion that she has not been using her creativity, her intelligence, her happiness, her complex talents...one would perhaps think she isn't very intelligent but she has deep, deep knowledge that is blocked for some reason. She finds it difficult to be consistent - don't many of us? That in itself is a consistency in that she is inconsistent!!!!!!
Creativity is important.. people cannot live around the internet...I know this about my own behaviour. Two different peas in a pod!
As a young, naive person with television in the house, which I didn't often like to watch when family did on a boringly basis, I didn't know about the REAL world but I did tap into the aural one. We had loud, non stop rock music in our houses, once I'd left home. I also played classical stuff as a music student, until I managed to find Radio 4 and 'Woman's Hour' in my life. My husband played Indian music. One rental was a student house, the next in the middle of a field attached to a neighbour was a house sit where we were mindful of sound levels. Another was a detached house in the middle of rural England where the nearest neighbour was some distance! Great years for feeling a sense of freedom and an attempt at 'the good life'. They were the times, the early 1970s when even though one was a rebel one still did what establishment said ... for example, following what the BABY BOOKS said about babies... and I very much regret their advice to leave the screaming child who needed a hug to sob itself to sleep!!!!!!!
The internet for me is a wonderful tool for personal self learning and to learn about psychology, but as David Bowie said it comes with a WARNING LABEL: those are not his words. He warns of the creativity of the tool but also of the dangerous aspects which indeed that prophecy is indeed true.
In the last 24 hours I have discovered a very interesting man... also suffering from a common phenomena of anxiety about the world and self.
He thought outside of the box. In my younger years I too was encouraged to think sideways. However, my problem was that I was never proactive!
Tuesday 12 January 2016
Change is ongoing to the very end when it changes yet again
Lifted from The Guardian:
David Bowie:
It is a kind of comfort to me to realise that even the GREATEST have troubles with isolation, abandonment, fear and anxiety,
So........ i'st not only me, then ? !!!!!!!!! aaaaaaaarrrgh!
One must remember to focus on the higher points of one's life.
Even a star turns to dust and dances high in the skies.
God bless!
David Bowie:
“My entire career, I’ve only really worked with the same subject matter. The trousers may change, but the actual words and subjects I’ve always chosen to write with are things to do with isolation, abandonment, fear and anxiety, all of the high points of one’s life.”
“I am not a natural performer,” Bowie said in a rare interview in 2002. “I don’t enjoy performing terribly much. Never have. I can do it and, if my mind’s on the situation, do it quite well. But, five or six shows in, I’m dying to get off the road and go back to the studio.”
It is a kind of comfort to me to realise that even the GREATEST have troubles with isolation, abandonment, fear and anxiety,
So........ i'st not only me, then ? !!!!!!!!! aaaaaaaarrrgh!
One must remember to focus on the higher points of one's life.
Even a star turns to dust and dances high in the skies.
God bless!
Tuesday 9 June 2015
Garbled Gratitude 'midst Thoughtful Musings (edited)
I might edit / re-edit this post which took four days to finalise - published 9th June, started 5 June.
GRATITUDE after Adversity
I am enormously grateful to many people, especially a particular person / friend with whom I have been through hell and heaven, for his support, assistance, skills, expertise, time, energies, faith, determination, etc, who helped me move from my humble modern terraced house where I raised two kids for 18 years and from where I often worked 15 hrs+ / 7 days including degree study and TEFL study, then had a mental/emotional/physical breakdown...
...derrrrrrrr....
Why was that???
Joke?
It was not funny!
Well that was 13 years ago and since then this is the third house I have lived in - it being the second that I have owned. One of the several debilitating personal crises arrived whilst I was living in HIS house with no bolt hole and no independence. I didn't realize that then. I know that now. I knew that afterwards! When I was there, I was like a rag run ragged!
In our intimate relationship, he picked me up more than once. The first time was when I could hardly walk about 18 years ago ... and he patiently held my hand so that I could practise walking and the. cycling. After that there was a second time about 11 years ago when my world collapsed and I became a jigsaw puzzle, a complete crumpled form on the floor, which was concurrent with him wishing to move to France. He said he needed my courage to give him courage!!!!!!!!!!! Bizarre when I had none!!!!!!!Before we moved we finished the renovation of a 400 year old inn ... well two thirds of it in which we lived. It had already had the hard work done by others..the roof, the damp barrier, the flooring, the stabilizing of walls etc. THAT is really the time to move in and do the work of making a show house .. a showroom home.. which is what It became!!
He finished being employed on that house, my house and became Restless.
I now recognise it is his pattern... finish a project and move on, never mind who he abandons! Extremely self-centric! OK I can be self-centric too but I don't believe it is right to abandon others for self. He also likes to volunteer for others and has in the past been very upset if it is not reciprocated!
LIVING IN ANOTHER COUNTRY
Despite my ramblings of what to me is my truth, 10 years ago, on 5 August we moved to France, to HIS house, which was in the course of being renovated, after my major op and my loss of career... he had already lost his job about three years before me, which is why I employed him!
It takes courage, madness and sensible determination to live in another country. It takes bravery and foolishness but the pay off for me has been a kind of FREEDOM, once i stopped crying! Perhaps freedom of a different lifestyle could be found in France, but like T&P and S&S have mentioned in local blogs, - they, us, one, I, - would not have been able to afford the riches of daily life, domestic and environmental prospects / riches in England that one has here in France. Maybe elsewhere in France it is expensive or more expensive than here and on parts of UK that I would die to live in! That matters not!
BACK TO GRATITUDE
WELL, I know this might be a repetition of blog content, but I write it for me and not for an audience, HOWEVER, I am grateful and try to show my gracious loving gratitude to HIM for creating the opportunity for me to face my fears over the years and eventually become an adult. That sounds silly but I have never been socially and emotionally aware and am better at that now! However, unlike him, I NEED my property, my house and my home.
I don't seem to feel to receive that gracious loving gratitude in return.... hmmm... I know I must expect nothing!!!!... absolutely nothing other than what anyone gives!!!!!
HOUSE, HOME and ANCESTRY
I am a crabby Cancerian and yearn for the shield of protection around me! I have ancestors who were travellers, travelling from Edinburgh to Walberswick and back every year. Five brothers in the 19th century started an Equestrian Family Circus. My cousin has written a novel about the end of that era and how our grandmother and her cousin left the circus. Even though I have an urge not to stay still, I need security, safety and a home... because that is where my heart is!
HIM
He, meanwhile, sold his French house last year and has been travelling and working for others in Asia and a bit in Australia as part of The Workaway Scheme. His Tales from Asia cannot really tell me the depth of the endurances, smells, tastes, sufferance, joys, magic, and the overcoming of his emotions and the ability to walk away from people if they do not suit his needs or if he doesn't suit theirs.
I feel it is ironic that he has returned to work for me when five years ago he needed to be alone and banished me!
( I may edit what I am writing!)
Of course, recently, he yearned for a European style of living, food, culture and probably creature comforts. He is tired and so would I be at his age! He is also full of energy and it is hard to keep up with such adrenaline!
LIVING NOT IN UK
I have recently read a posting and comments from others about whether or not we are expats (expatriates). It is an abbreviation I do not like. The definition is muddled with the words:- immigrants, emigrants, migrants,
I would like to ADD to the lexicology, another word that would define: 'people who are making the most of opportunities' but I cannot think of one. 'Opportunists' does not describe that sufficiently!
To my mind an expat goes to work abroad but then returns, whilst someone who takes up residency in another country is an emigrant and therefore an immigrant. I am those two. I am a migrant.
I understand from family stories that my distant ancestors were migrants ... there were the tisserands from Nîmes and Nantes and there were Protestants from St-Onge, near La Rochelle. There are Spanish or Italian roots somewhere but I don't have the evidence. Certainly my brother looks Indian or Pakistani and those travellers went across the Bering Strait. At one time I was very interested in Native American Indians.. and still am a little ... and I believe that those roots call me to the tall trees. Some have likened my high cheek bones to some of the tribes and one suggested that I looked like Eva Peron. I think that was an exaggeration!
I AM proud of being English but also I like living in France. It is necessary to embrace the land in which one lives and where one makes a home.
LIVING IN FRANCE
I am proud of what I have achieved ... and in many ways am glad I have not had property in UK to run back to when the going got tough. I LOVE the space. I LOVE my large house. I LOVE that I have to keep active even when I have to drag my body to mow lawns when I am not a practical girl!
I LOVE my garden as it keeps me fit. I LOVE that French people will rally and help if one asks... otherwise they keep a distance and that is good too! I LOVE that although it is 'small steps' my French language has improved. I LOVE that I have experienced challenges and difficulties as a result of weather, accident, ill health or even fun events. It has been truly 'character building' and I am so much happier these days, laughing at the absurdities of what I think or do or what others say as well as laughing in shared enjoyment!
I have learned to meet and be involved with people of all age brackets and I am grateful for that.
I am grateful to all the Workawayers who have helped me and I do need some more!
My lists of things to achieve grows ever longer and I am such a lucky woman that HE has returned to get the kitchen and other things done. Not even my son was prepared to help his mother but why should he.. there is nothing to say he should and I ceased to ask him about two years ago!
Too hot to cycle (Saturday 6 June), but we did it...
Fuschias and broad beans were rescued from the brink by watering several times throughout the day. I was only away for two days during the week but heat and drought got to my courtyard garden plants causing them to wilt!
On Saturday
We had a Banana Split and a Peach Melba as we went to buy an ice cream and thought to have these instead! All very retro yet scattered with modern Smarties! Very odd!
No starter and No first course.
Only in France can a Banana Split not have a banana but the waitress realised as she arrived and did it again. It was rather like a Julie Walters soup sketch!
At last I feel as if I belong to my village. I have a home. Yes, I miss the green and pleasant land, but here I have unbridled Nature with no fear to wander and that is a huge richness for me.
I shall struggle on because that is what LIFE is for!
... and hey Josette's bar-restaurant has a new owner from Normandy! THE MENU LOOKS GOOD!
GRATITUDE after Adversity
I am enormously grateful to many people, especially a particular person / friend with whom I have been through hell and heaven, for his support, assistance, skills, expertise, time, energies, faith, determination, etc, who helped me move from my humble modern terraced house where I raised two kids for 18 years and from where I often worked 15 hrs+ / 7 days including degree study and TEFL study, then had a mental/emotional/physical breakdown...
...derrrrrrrr....
Why was that???
Joke?
It was not funny!
Well that was 13 years ago and since then this is the third house I have lived in - it being the second that I have owned. One of the several debilitating personal crises arrived whilst I was living in HIS house with no bolt hole and no independence. I didn't realize that then. I know that now. I knew that afterwards! When I was there, I was like a rag run ragged!
In our intimate relationship, he picked me up more than once. The first time was when I could hardly walk about 18 years ago ... and he patiently held my hand so that I could practise walking and the. cycling. After that there was a second time about 11 years ago when my world collapsed and I became a jigsaw puzzle, a complete crumpled form on the floor, which was concurrent with him wishing to move to France. He said he needed my courage to give him courage!!!!!!!!!!! Bizarre when I had none!!!!!!!Before we moved we finished the renovation of a 400 year old inn ... well two thirds of it in which we lived. It had already had the hard work done by others..the roof, the damp barrier, the flooring, the stabilizing of walls etc. THAT is really the time to move in and do the work of making a show house .. a showroom home.. which is what It became!!
He finished being employed on that house, my house and became Restless.
I now recognise it is his pattern... finish a project and move on, never mind who he abandons! Extremely self-centric! OK I can be self-centric too but I don't believe it is right to abandon others for self. He also likes to volunteer for others and has in the past been very upset if it is not reciprocated!
LIVING IN ANOTHER COUNTRY
Despite my ramblings of what to me is my truth, 10 years ago, on 5 August we moved to France, to HIS house, which was in the course of being renovated, after my major op and my loss of career... he had already lost his job about three years before me, which is why I employed him!
It takes courage, madness and sensible determination to live in another country. It takes bravery and foolishness but the pay off for me has been a kind of FREEDOM, once i stopped crying! Perhaps freedom of a different lifestyle could be found in France, but like T&P and S&S have mentioned in local blogs, - they, us, one, I, - would not have been able to afford the riches of daily life, domestic and environmental prospects / riches in England that one has here in France. Maybe elsewhere in France it is expensive or more expensive than here and on parts of UK that I would die to live in! That matters not!
BACK TO GRATITUDE
WELL, I know this might be a repetition of blog content, but I write it for me and not for an audience, HOWEVER, I am grateful and try to show my gracious loving gratitude to HIM for creating the opportunity for me to face my fears over the years and eventually become an adult. That sounds silly but I have never been socially and emotionally aware and am better at that now! However, unlike him, I NEED my property, my house and my home.
I don't seem to feel to receive that gracious loving gratitude in return.... hmmm... I know I must expect nothing!!!!... absolutely nothing other than what anyone gives!!!!!
HOUSE, HOME and ANCESTRY
I am a crabby Cancerian and yearn for the shield of protection around me! I have ancestors who were travellers, travelling from Edinburgh to Walberswick and back every year. Five brothers in the 19th century started an Equestrian Family Circus. My cousin has written a novel about the end of that era and how our grandmother and her cousin left the circus. Even though I have an urge not to stay still, I need security, safety and a home... because that is where my heart is!
HIM
He, meanwhile, sold his French house last year and has been travelling and working for others in Asia and a bit in Australia as part of The Workaway Scheme. His Tales from Asia cannot really tell me the depth of the endurances, smells, tastes, sufferance, joys, magic, and the overcoming of his emotions and the ability to walk away from people if they do not suit his needs or if he doesn't suit theirs.
I feel it is ironic that he has returned to work for me when five years ago he needed to be alone and banished me!
( I may edit what I am writing!)
Of course, recently, he yearned for a European style of living, food, culture and probably creature comforts. He is tired and so would I be at his age! He is also full of energy and it is hard to keep up with such adrenaline!
LIVING NOT IN UK
I have recently read a posting and comments from others about whether or not we are expats (expatriates). It is an abbreviation I do not like. The definition is muddled with the words:- immigrants, emigrants, migrants,
I would like to ADD to the lexicology, another word that would define: 'people who are making the most of opportunities' but I cannot think of one. 'Opportunists' does not describe that sufficiently!
To my mind an expat goes to work abroad but then returns, whilst someone who takes up residency in another country is an emigrant and therefore an immigrant. I am those two. I am a migrant.
I understand from family stories that my distant ancestors were migrants ... there were the tisserands from Nîmes and Nantes and there were Protestants from St-Onge, near La Rochelle. There are Spanish or Italian roots somewhere but I don't have the evidence. Certainly my brother looks Indian or Pakistani and those travellers went across the Bering Strait. At one time I was very interested in Native American Indians.. and still am a little ... and I believe that those roots call me to the tall trees. Some have likened my high cheek bones to some of the tribes and one suggested that I looked like Eva Peron. I think that was an exaggeration!
I AM proud of being English but also I like living in France. It is necessary to embrace the land in which one lives and where one makes a home.
LIVING IN FRANCE
I am proud of what I have achieved ... and in many ways am glad I have not had property in UK to run back to when the going got tough. I LOVE the space. I LOVE my large house. I LOVE that I have to keep active even when I have to drag my body to mow lawns when I am not a practical girl!
I LOVE my garden as it keeps me fit. I LOVE that French people will rally and help if one asks... otherwise they keep a distance and that is good too! I LOVE that although it is 'small steps' my French language has improved. I LOVE that I have experienced challenges and difficulties as a result of weather, accident, ill health or even fun events. It has been truly 'character building' and I am so much happier these days, laughing at the absurdities of what I think or do or what others say as well as laughing in shared enjoyment!
I have learned to meet and be involved with people of all age brackets and I am grateful for that.
I am grateful to all the Workawayers who have helped me and I do need some more!
My lists of things to achieve grows ever longer and I am such a lucky woman that HE has returned to get the kitchen and other things done. Not even my son was prepared to help his mother but why should he.. there is nothing to say he should and I ceased to ask him about two years ago!
Too hot to cycle (Saturday 6 June), but we did it...
Fuschias and broad beans were rescued from the brink by watering several times throughout the day. I was only away for two days during the week but heat and drought got to my courtyard garden plants causing them to wilt!
On Saturday
We had a Banana Split and a Peach Melba as we went to buy an ice cream and thought to have these instead! All very retro yet scattered with modern Smarties! Very odd!
No starter and No first course.
Only in France can a Banana Split not have a banana but the waitress realised as she arrived and did it again. It was rather like a Julie Walters soup sketch!
I shall struggle on because that is what LIFE is for!
... and hey Josette's bar-restaurant has a new owner from Normandy! THE MENU LOOKS GOOD!
Wednesday 3 June 2015
Calm before Change
Since the CCC I have been cleaning and gardening.
WELL ... I never realised that such a small amount of dusty debris could necessitate a deep clean as IF guests were going to be in the Chambre d'Hôte. I have to vacate my room if I let it! I last did EVERY surface of these two rooms in early March! Down came the mosquito net and that was soaked in the bath. It does look better now! It was a bit of a balancing act to have the step ladder balanced on the bed whilst I proceeded up two steps to reach the loop onto the cup hook in the beam!
All high beams and ceilings in between were vacced....56m2 of ceiling including the stairwell. I had to actively climb on chairs, stretch to reach the beams and ceiling with the vac brush. I couldn't just sweep the cobwebs down because that would mean the almost transparent spiders would rush alongst the floor before I caught them, and heavens knows where they would go if not caught. Like the insects in 'James and the Giant Peach' anything could happen. Not worth the risk. Every inch of wall, ceiling and floor is as clean as I can get it! It makes me feel so much better!
All bedlinen has been cleaned and ironed plus duvets aired in the sunshine. They were all dry cleaned last September.
The one bedroom wall attached to my neighbours (it is the end of the original barn) had an almost indiscernible bloom of grey when I was up close with my cleaning cloths and with light streaming into the room. I hadn't ever had that problem... but I think this winter I was less willing to periodically open the door to outside. There are no windows.. only doors!!!!! Weird! Very French! I always felt that this wall was the coldest and wish we had put another layer of plasterboard on it!
Friday I ached but had to spend three hours mowing the lawns ... that's a lot of walking and emptying the grass collection box! Plus two hours speaking to my daughter on the phone (catch up) and an hour on the phone to my mother.
The weekend - another slow start but the last of the cleaning has been done...and how annoying, I am convinced that mouse is still in the laundry room where I store dry foods... so it is poison time. The door is securely locked against Big Feet my cat! A friend popped round to gove me some beautiful scented roses so that was time to sit and enjoy the minor spots of rain in the garden. I have tried to get my blog postings prepared in advance. I have tried to clear surfaces, rearrange furniture and generally look as if I am a neat and tidy person!
A bit more attic re-organisation and admin stuff was achieved. I am feeling much better and ready for who knows what!
I have been on Countdown!!! Someone is arriving to begin the renovation of my kitchen!!!!!!!! There is a lot of prep - one door and one window frame ( the only proper window in the house) have to be taken out and glass replaced with double glazed units, a temporary kitchen area is to be created, sink and cupboards must be installed into the laundry / larder room ... and the rest!
There had better not be ANY dust getting into my freshly spring-cleaned rooms!
BUT I shall be grateful when it is completed and it will be good to work as a skivvy again!
WELL ... I never realised that such a small amount of dusty debris could necessitate a deep clean as IF guests were going to be in the Chambre d'Hôte. I have to vacate my room if I let it! I last did EVERY surface of these two rooms in early March! Down came the mosquito net and that was soaked in the bath. It does look better now! It was a bit of a balancing act to have the step ladder balanced on the bed whilst I proceeded up two steps to reach the loop onto the cup hook in the beam!
All high beams and ceilings in between were vacced....56m2 of ceiling including the stairwell. I had to actively climb on chairs, stretch to reach the beams and ceiling with the vac brush. I couldn't just sweep the cobwebs down because that would mean the almost transparent spiders would rush alongst the floor before I caught them, and heavens knows where they would go if not caught. Like the insects in 'James and the Giant Peach' anything could happen. Not worth the risk. Every inch of wall, ceiling and floor is as clean as I can get it! It makes me feel so much better!
All bedlinen has been cleaned and ironed plus duvets aired in the sunshine. They were all dry cleaned last September.
The one bedroom wall attached to my neighbours (it is the end of the original barn) had an almost indiscernible bloom of grey when I was up close with my cleaning cloths and with light streaming into the room. I hadn't ever had that problem... but I think this winter I was less willing to periodically open the door to outside. There are no windows.. only doors!!!!! Weird! Very French! I always felt that this wall was the coldest and wish we had put another layer of plasterboard on it!
Friday I ached but had to spend three hours mowing the lawns ... that's a lot of walking and emptying the grass collection box! Plus two hours speaking to my daughter on the phone (catch up) and an hour on the phone to my mother.
The weekend - another slow start but the last of the cleaning has been done...and how annoying, I am convinced that mouse is still in the laundry room where I store dry foods... so it is poison time. The door is securely locked against Big Feet my cat! A friend popped round to gove me some beautiful scented roses so that was time to sit and enjoy the minor spots of rain in the garden. I have tried to get my blog postings prepared in advance. I have tried to clear surfaces, rearrange furniture and generally look as if I am a neat and tidy person!
A bit more attic re-organisation and admin stuff was achieved. I am feeling much better and ready for who knows what!
I have been on Countdown!!! Someone is arriving to begin the renovation of my kitchen!!!!!!!! There is a lot of prep - one door and one window frame ( the only proper window in the house) have to be taken out and glass replaced with double glazed units, a temporary kitchen area is to be created, sink and cupboards must be installed into the laundry / larder room ... and the rest!
There had better not be ANY dust getting into my freshly spring-cleaned rooms!
BUT I shall be grateful when it is completed and it will be good to work as a skivvy again!
Tuesday 16 December 2014
Christmas lighting
On the drive from the
airport I was enamoured by French Christmas lighting and disappointed that there is none as
yet in my village. However, the tree has been placed in La Place and awaits the usual
boxes and foil ribbon! Next they have been tying evergreen to the gutterings etc but none in my street as yet! A Christmas star has been on my gate since the first
day of Advent and perhaps I shall tie greenery and brightness to the guttering
downpipes. I may even make an effort to put some sparkle into the room in case
the three children, young enough to revel in the magic, arrive, which I am sure
they will.
The aller-retour
journey to England was interesting and I made conversation with several people, sometimes
checking if it was ok to talk to them!
At Cambridge I watched
as a mother and father had an emotional farewell to their daughter. He sat next
to me on the National Express coach. I commented that Goodbyes are never easy
but he replied he couldn’t speak English very well, as he was French. He was delighted, and I thought it funny
that in England I was speaking French!
Their tri-lingual daughter had finished her studies and was working
through Christmas with an online hotel booking chain! On the return journey I saw some people who had travelled on
the same flight as me last week.
Whilst waiting to see which gates were open for the planes I spoke to an
English woman who lives in Ireland but whose daughter and husband live in UK
and she has had to return frequently for skin treatment as she has been
severely burnt on her legs and arms with a toxic skincare product by Baylis and
Harding! She said she will fight
it all the way as three weeks after applying the lotion she is still severely
burned and has been told is not just an allergic reaction. The lotion has been analysed by
a toxicologist and confirmed as dangerous! Goodness!
I also am glad I
didn’t travel on Friday as evidently computer technology crashed and all flights across
England were affected!
I've returned
with new thoughts, old thoughts, even the possibility that I could if I wish sell up and
return to England and although the thoughts have been in my brain for several
weeks, I have not yet made a decision. I feel I'm at an impasse but there is much to do before I go anywhere!
I intend to try and
do better with the negative thinking that crowds my thinking whilst I live
alone, and I intend to set a more disciplined agenda with timed alarms to
alert me not to waste my LIFE TIME!
I don’t wish to be overwhelmed again with tasks…so will have to re-learn
SMART and KISS approaches to work, rest and play!!!!!! I really need to
exercise more and it isn’t enough to just cut out carbohydrates… because then I want to eat sugary foods or too many almonds! So a rethink on diet and exercise regime
is necessary to be punctuated into the daily timetable. I have to do it!
I intend AGAIN to try and prevent myself from thinking and scribing emotional outpourings,
though the poems when they come do please me!
A replacement passport
has to be applied for before I can again leave France and perhaps I really MUST
try to visit other places by train and feel as if I am getting out and about.
Christmas is coming. These days I
never enjoy this festive season but will make a better effort.
Saturday 8 November 2014
Up, down and rescued
I hate feeling 'down' but I had slept an extra three hours, after being 'up' and out at a beautiful concert the night before. Today, I lay lazily in bed because it was so cold! I'd lit the fire at 8h30 when CAT decided she wished to go out. Invitingly, warm bedlinen cossetted me, tea and toast! After coffee, email and news updates, the mind was overwhelmed with thoughts trudging in the mire of my mind. I was needing to communicate, yet be alone. Tasks and stuff seem to crave my mind for attention. The stuff needs to be sorted, and sorted it is being, but it does seem to be a slow process at this stage. Then I wonder is it all worth it! When maybe I wish to be out and about elsewhere but these responsibilities keep me tied to the security, saftey and haven of my poperty. Then, when I think that other stuff left here isn't mine, and that the person to whom it belongs has almost total freedom within that person's limited financial capacity then my mind becomes scrambled.
I am wondering what is next and how to achieve it! Planning is tricky! I suppose I have been somewhat spoilt by having had somewhere here very part time in the last four years to help me. Now gone!
A few days ago, all seemed positive whilst happiness and achievement surged whilst I amended and printed hard copies of writings stored on the laptop...
My story had started... but of course more paper only adds to that which is higgledy piggledy in boxes. A jumbled mind creates a jumbled life or vice versa... yet, I am determined to get it done and also realise that perhaps I have a slight obsession with trying to keep rooms clear and as organised as I can be! This is after years of muddle!
Ola! Knocking on my door was my dear friend. She is wonderful. I had just started to get a grip, having put on my jacket to go out (garden or road?) when I told myself to clear the washing / wiping up, so that the clean and tidy kitchen would be motivating on my return. She came to invite me to accompany friends to a much-loved restaurant as she had to go to London. How kind! Then seeing me 'down' she invited me for 'moules and beer' for lunch! How very kind! How I hugged her! Spirits were raised immediately. She said I had to get out! But getting out means I don't do the things I need to do and piles of stuff mount up and so it all becomes a vicious circle (in my head!)
As HER friend says " Don't worry about stuff, life is short, be with friends, have fun!"
I walked home before 4pm.
Apart from the small glass of red at the Theatre yesterday and the beer today I have managed one whole week without drinking alcohol at home! I think I can have some with my meal at the restaurant! But then when I met my friend's friend she had done alcohol free for 31 days of October....
I am wondering what is next and how to achieve it! Planning is tricky! I suppose I have been somewhat spoilt by having had somewhere here very part time in the last four years to help me. Now gone!
A few days ago, all seemed positive whilst happiness and achievement surged whilst I amended and printed hard copies of writings stored on the laptop...
My story had started... but of course more paper only adds to that which is higgledy piggledy in boxes. A jumbled mind creates a jumbled life or vice versa... yet, I am determined to get it done and also realise that perhaps I have a slight obsession with trying to keep rooms clear and as organised as I can be! This is after years of muddle!
Ola! Knocking on my door was my dear friend. She is wonderful. I had just started to get a grip, having put on my jacket to go out (garden or road?) when I told myself to clear the washing / wiping up, so that the clean and tidy kitchen would be motivating on my return. She came to invite me to accompany friends to a much-loved restaurant as she had to go to London. How kind! Then seeing me 'down' she invited me for 'moules and beer' for lunch! How very kind! How I hugged her! Spirits were raised immediately. She said I had to get out! But getting out means I don't do the things I need to do and piles of stuff mount up and so it all becomes a vicious circle (in my head!)
As HER friend says " Don't worry about stuff, life is short, be with friends, have fun!"
I walked home before 4pm.
Apart from the small glass of red at the Theatre yesterday and the beer today I have managed one whole week without drinking alcohol at home! I think I can have some with my meal at the restaurant! But then when I met my friend's friend she had done alcohol free for 31 days of October....
Saturday 23 August 2014
Waiting to be Here
A Red Ferrari parked at least overnight outside LaBelleVue.
An English registered Black MX5 parked for at least a week along my street.
A push to stretch muscles and walk gentle slopes of almost vehicle free lanes,
to the crucifix, to crossroads.
For 50 minutes goodness abounds observing the change of Season.
Enjoy the peace and calm that Autumn brings.
Passing my land I note that it is two weeks since it has been mown,
the longest period of all the year!
Earlier this year, it needed to be mown every five days,
usually every seven at the most!
Dreading the mowing but then a feeling of joy will transcend.
It will be worth it for that!
Knowing that this is the time for other work as well as gardening.
For tidying and clearing, for turning over.
Ploughed fields reveal clean brown terrain.
Ploughed fields bring hope and promise.
In the distance it must be a deer or more running field on field as a result of farm vehicle movement.
In the distance rabbits race like the speed of lightning, bobbing their cotton-tails.
Stamp on recently fallen walnuts revealing mooshiness, fruit blackened rotten.
Stamp.
Wait for solutions.
Waiting.
When one doesn't know what to do one waits.
A friend said that.
I know what to do as well as wait.
Keep occupied.
Much there is accumulated from all the yesterdays.
So for all the tomorrows I'd better sort it.
Let the day unfold.
Cycles turn in the mind.
Dreams wheel and turn.
What would it be like to just walk and walk?
To get there.
Where?
Anywhere.
And then one would be Here.
Here in Peace.
Calm.
Until...
An English registered Black MX5 parked for at least a week along my street.
A push to stretch muscles and walk gentle slopes of almost vehicle free lanes,
to the crucifix, to crossroads.
For 50 minutes goodness abounds observing the change of Season.
Enjoy the peace and calm that Autumn brings.
Passing my land I note that it is two weeks since it has been mown,
the longest period of all the year!
Earlier this year, it needed to be mown every five days,
usually every seven at the most!
Dreading the mowing but then a feeling of joy will transcend.
It will be worth it for that!
Knowing that this is the time for other work as well as gardening.
For tidying and clearing, for turning over.
Ploughed fields reveal clean brown terrain.
Ploughed fields bring hope and promise.
In the distance it must be a deer or more running field on field as a result of farm vehicle movement.
In the distance rabbits race like the speed of lightning, bobbing their cotton-tails.
Stamp on recently fallen walnuts revealing mooshiness, fruit blackened rotten.
Stamp.
Wait for solutions.
Waiting.
When one doesn't know what to do one waits.
A friend said that.
I know what to do as well as wait.
Keep occupied.
Much there is accumulated from all the yesterdays.
So for all the tomorrows I'd better sort it.
Let the day unfold.
Cycles turn in the mind.
Dreams wheel and turn.
What would it be like to just walk and walk?
To get there.
Where?
Anywhere.
And then one would be Here.
Here in Peace.
Calm.
Until...
Thursday 29 May 2014
Beginnings, Middles, and Ends
I quote from Gilda Radner who died of Ovarian Cancer.
I quote from Robert Frost from 'In the home stretch' who died as a result of prostate surgery.
Chinese philosophy foretells that when we close an opportunity, we open another... just like opening and closing doors and windows. THUS THERE IS the heading of my blog created three years ago, whilst grappling with trauma I felt was sprinkled upon me!
“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.”and
I quote from Robert Frost from 'In the home stretch' who died as a result of prostate surgery.
“I don’t want to find out what can’t be known. But who first said the word to come?”Restless in France is sure she doesn't like endings, nor does she like ONLY beginnings. Middles are vitally important!
“My dear, It’s who first thought the thought. You’re searching, Joe, For things that don’t exist; I mean beginnings. Ends and beginnings––there are no such things. There are only middles.
"What is this?" “This life? Our sitting here by lantern-light together Amid the wreckage of a former home? You won’t deny the lantern isn’t new. The stove is not, and you are not to me, Nor I to you.”
“Perhaps you never were?” “It would take me forever to recite All that’s not new in where we find ourselves.
New is a word for fools in towns who think
Style upon style in dress and thought at last
Must get somewhere. I’ve heard you say as much.
No, this is no beginning.”
“Then an end?”
“End is a gloomy word.”
Chinese philosophy foretells that when we close an opportunity, we open another... just like opening and closing doors and windows. THUS THERE IS the heading of my blog created three years ago, whilst grappling with trauma I felt was sprinkled upon me!
Monday 26 May 2014
In the middle of the night - a poem!
I think
that living a life alone
makes the chattering mind think too much and groan.
I think
that after one walks and works all day
another day is done. Gone. And muscles moan.
Deep sleep is welcomed, but it feels such a waste
of the precious jewel of time; then haste
to fill all non-sleepy-time moments
that are part of living life
for all that one really wants, is to never have strife
'tween friends,
especially those who one thought one knew...
Hearts and minds have folly too!
Everyone needs to be touched or hugged,
love is a gift and a gift is loved.
Blissfulness from a power above
in the guise of carnal or spiritual love.
Hugs are lifestyle gifts divine.
But it doesn't mean to say they can be his or mine!
Hoping good health keep us on the treadmill
of moving,
of ageing,
of completing
days,
until they are no longer.
PLEASE don't let my mind and muscles moan and groan!
that living a life alone
makes the chattering mind think too much and groan.
I think
that after one walks and works all day
another day is done. Gone. And muscles moan.
Deep sleep is welcomed, but it feels such a waste
of the precious jewel of time; then haste
to fill all non-sleepy-time moments
that are part of living life
for all that one really wants, is to never have strife
'tween friends,
especially those who one thought one knew...
Hearts and minds have folly too!
Everyone needs to be touched or hugged,
love is a gift and a gift is loved.
Blissfulness from a power above
in the guise of carnal or spiritual love.
Hugs are lifestyle gifts divine.
But it doesn't mean to say they can be his or mine!
Hoping good health keep us on the treadmill
of moving,
of ageing,
of completing
days,
until they are no longer.
PLEASE don't let my mind and muscles moan and groan!
Sunday 25 May 2014
Purpose
A Sense of Meaningful Purpose, however temporary, is important because it helps us to feel that whatever we are doing is of value. It helps us to to not feel self-abandoned or abandoned by others. It prevents a feeling of loss and being lost. It helps us to feel in control of destiny!
Does 'not settling down' with someone mean we don't have purpose?
I can find Purpose without living with A.N. OTHER.
Keeping busy is a strategy for maintaining PURPOSE.
Helping others is a strategy too. We are social creatures who need other human beings.
We might look after our health, or work productively... but being a workaholic might mean we are avoiding Purpose!
Projects and Passions with intended actions and decision making supports Purpose.
I've read that retreating into a fantasy world or a dream-like state means that Purpose is not being met! I've read that underlying issues, such as feeling inadequate or feeling low self-esteem may prevent a sense of Purpose so that one looks in others for what one cannot find and support in Self.
Does 'not settling down' with someone mean we don't have purpose?
I can find Purpose without living with A.N. OTHER.
Keeping busy is a strategy for maintaining PURPOSE.
Helping others is a strategy too. We are social creatures who need other human beings.
We might look after our health, or work productively... but being a workaholic might mean we are avoiding Purpose!
Projects and Passions with intended actions and decision making supports Purpose.
I've read that retreating into a fantasy world or a dream-like state means that Purpose is not being met! I've read that underlying issues, such as feeling inadequate or feeling low self-esteem may prevent a sense of Purpose so that one looks in others for what one cannot find and support in Self.
Wednesday 16 April 2014
Saturday 12 April 2014
A new day
A new time.
A new journey.
A door closes.
A window opens.
My blog heading.
It is what I learned when I lost my career path.
It is what I learned when I lost so many things.
It is what I learned when I bought my house.
it is what I learned when I lost the love from my partner.
It is what I have learned as I gain positive elements and insights and what makes people who we are.
I think people are intrinsically good...everyone has blocked patterns of behaviour.
I am learning to be as free as a bird.
I can fly.
I may be melodramatic at times.
I may have emotional outpourings.
I am exploring.
I am learning.
I can't stand still.
I am Restless in France, restless generally to discover and make the most of life, whatever it is, wherever it takes me.
I am happy to meet whoever I can and engage in them and their lives.
I like traveling and having conversations with people I meet...this morning a little girl with flowers in her crocs.
I am sitting in a very nice organic coffee bar listening to conversations, watching people. It's a wonderful gentle buzz ... my kind of place.
Again, I say that I thanks to all who say such very nice kind words, because when I was trapped in the four walls of a classroom and school, bizaare as it may seem I never knew about people, about LIFE and LIVING.
I am beginning to enjoy life now but I don't want to be stuck in the four walls of my French home for any length of time... itchy feet syndrome!
A rendezvous with a friend has been cancelled due to other complications which is why I indulge in y own company for coffee.
My journey chooses a new path through the forest. I feel grounded.
A new journey.
A door closes.
A window opens.
My blog heading.
It is what I learned when I lost my career path.
It is what I learned when I lost so many things.
It is what I learned when I bought my house.
it is what I learned when I lost the love from my partner.
It is what I have learned as I gain positive elements and insights and what makes people who we are.
I think people are intrinsically good...everyone has blocked patterns of behaviour.
I am learning to be as free as a bird.
I can fly.
I may be melodramatic at times.
I may have emotional outpourings.
I am exploring.
I am learning.
I can't stand still.
I am Restless in France, restless generally to discover and make the most of life, whatever it is, wherever it takes me.
I am happy to meet whoever I can and engage in them and their lives.
I like traveling and having conversations with people I meet...this morning a little girl with flowers in her crocs.
I am sitting in a very nice organic coffee bar listening to conversations, watching people. It's a wonderful gentle buzz ... my kind of place.
Again, I say that I thanks to all who say such very nice kind words, because when I was trapped in the four walls of a classroom and school, bizaare as it may seem I never knew about people, about LIFE and LIVING.
I am beginning to enjoy life now but I don't want to be stuck in the four walls of my French home for any length of time... itchy feet syndrome!
A rendezvous with a friend has been cancelled due to other complications which is why I indulge in y own company for coffee.
My journey chooses a new path through the forest. I feel grounded.
Thursday 3 April 2014
So tired...
would sing Eric Clapton, but this is a different tiredness. Fatigue has been stacking up. I should have been asleep earlier but succumbed to a novel privilege of television!!!
Had a fantastic walk in sandland whilst the vestiges of the Sahara filled the sky.
A ghostly presence disturbed my sleep this morning. It appeared to be a woman with a navy blue pinched waist-long skirt, a gentle soul....others are convinced it was my imagination. When I asked was it time to wake up , she said " yes it was". I am waking up!
Had a fantastic walk in sandland whilst the vestiges of the Sahara filled the sky.
A ghostly presence disturbed my sleep this morning. It appeared to be a woman with a navy blue pinched waist-long skirt, a gentle soul....others are convinced it was my imagination. When I asked was it time to wake up , she said " yes it was". I am waking up!
Saturday 22 March 2014
Self Exploration
The following thoughts whilst not original have been evolving for some time in my head.
I help my Self when I help others. Conversely, I hurt my Self when I hurt someone else. When we care for others we care for our Inner Self. Some people have a greater propensity for helping others. Others appear self-absorbed, selfish, self-centred.
As I explore "Who I am", in what I perceive to be a small niche in a complicated world, I realise that I don't want to be involved in friendships or relationships that feel as if a game or part of a game is being played. At the same time, I have been trying NOT to play games with my inner Self; trying not to play with words, sentiments or emotions. More frequently I am of the opinion that it's hard to rely upon myself as well as that some people cannot always be relied upon as everyone appears to be in a state of flux - a state of busy-ness. I hadn't really appreciated the fluidity of change in the Human Condition. It annoys me if people blow hot and cold, play with emotions, yet, I believe that genuine friendship will stand the test of time and the most difficult of times.
I wish for honest, open, sincere, genuine, non-manipulative, non-controlling relationships and friendships, where there is mutual respect, trust, understanding of the individual, intrinsic kindness, care, tolerance, patience. I seek people who do not have fantastical expectations, who work within REALITY/NORMALITY and who accept imperfections and limitations. MaintainingTRUE friendships despite distance or close proximity is difficult even if people are true to their word, thought or deed.
I have a college friend from 46 years ago! Despite years between meet-ups it always feels natural, normal, honest and committed. She's a hoot, yet terribly sensible whereas I am reckless at times. She's been through a different Hell, yet we both have survived our ordeals.
Ah... The Parable of the Sower. I like the analogy that being part of a relationship / friendship is like being one of the plants in the soil. In poor soil we become stunted. If the soil is good we mature. Therefore good relationships communicate honestly without fear. Bad relationships aren'tt good for anyone. People seek positive friendships rather than negative ones which are not for our growth. I'm trying to weed out unhelpful undergrowth!!!
I can't help but be naive and vulnerable. It is who I am or have been. The world has so much for me to learn about. However, I DO try hard not to expect from anyone, to live in REALITY even though I am RESTLESS IN FRANCE.
Four years have passed and I realise that this is where my dearest friend and I went wrong; a form of enmity arrived. We differed on basics, yet were close to each other, co-dependent, hanging on from abject fears, perhaps. How very strange! We expected too much from each other which led to disappointment, rejection, abandonment and becoming stuck in a rut. We were drowning and couldn't survive. Life became stagnant, unfruitful, frightening as we began to age in another country without the natural intervention of family and friends. It wasn't encouraging growth and it was heading for destruction. Four years ago, I bought a house and there was hope for a new plan but the damage had been done. Now I value my freedom and the peace I find within me. I thank him for releasing me from what became a prison for my soul and maybe his! I know now I was in a different prison before I met him! At last, recently, he confessed that he finds it impossible to control his anger. WOW, a turning point. So, is he saying it wasn't only me!!!!!!! I tried to say anger is a waste of energy.
I understand anger because I know anger and also I find it hard to control emotional outpourings, words and tears. That is also a waste of energy! Although, I've known this for almost ten years, I accept it because it is my way of understanding and learning about me and people who didn't understand my capacity to just well up with tears. There have been times when I never knew why I cried but most of that is sorted. The crying hasn't competely stopped because I also cry in joy and acute happiness BUT generally I am lighter of spirit, more fun to be with, relinquishing the story and gaining other tales. "More natural and positive and it suits me", says my cousin.
Open-ness, facing Truth about "Who I am", my strengths and weaknesses will help me to better communicate with others and to better communicate with my inner SELF.
Honesty has to exist with all the people I meet. I'm not afraid to tell what I perceive to be my truth. If another person doesn't like it and wants to be jealous, angry or whatever, then it isn't my problem. I'm not intimidated by the angry moment. I faced my angry father after he died and lived alongside anger from the person who I thought was the love-of-my-life. The pain of unrequited love is often too much to bear but I am dealing with it! I've had to come to terms with my own passive, interior anger which would eventually erupt like Volcanic Etna in frustration. To my utter shame. The ending of my career was when the management team who should have been caring, taking responsibility to guide me, not to denigrate me, did not help me to see that I was ill when I became angry!
A person is not an island. We need friends indeed and in deed; people to support and help us understand worldly issues, the living and the dead from a different perspective.
It broke my heart that I couldn't live in HIS house without HIS friendship. The man I liked disappeared. I was lost. We had to part, because we had to give each other the freedom to grow in a better soil, somewhere that would suit our needs, give us nourishment to suit our differing personalities, interests, beliefs. It annoys me that he won't talk to show that he acknowledges the facts...It can't be cured. there is no going back! Maybe the 'books' are right and one just has to 'move on'. Recently, I see a glimpse of the person I loved and who he once was ( and probably is), yet I know it will not die, even though I hope in the future I will truly love others. True friendship never dies.
This last week as I respond to helping him sell his house, I become more aware of the deep non-romantic LOVE that I had and maybe have for my former partner. For many years when people asked me HOW do I love that man who has hurt me so deeply inside, I always described it as a form of Compassion. I've witnessed his suffering and never knew what to do about it or how to help him. At the same time, I struggled with my own suffering. He couldn't support me any more than I him! It wasn't easy to live with that person for the rest of my life...nor him with me.
'Wheels are moving' is an expression I have acquired to describe changes. I FEEL CONFIDENT that despite the past, it does not prevent me from LOVING HIM.... even though he and I have changed.... I struggled with this concept for a long time. It seemed wrong but now I see that it isn't! Our deeper friendship has stood the test of Time. I know that I can let him go on his adventures and be happy for him. I may be very naive but I feel it is the TRUTH. There is honesty from me to him, who has supported me in a weird way these last ten years!
I've written this because my blog has oftentime veered from house renovation to a story of struggle, a story of how I came to be here in France, of what I do, how I think/feel, attempting to make sense of what surrounds us. It is about THE NOW as well as THE PAST and I know that THIS IS THIS and the future is beyond my complete control. All that withstanding, I learn about society and aspects which affect emotional and psychological states about which I have panicked and wept copiously.
I've been travelling whilst I consider the words of this posting.
The sun rises on the horizon and until it sets I will attempt to be more compassionate for my friends and family. In the last few weeks I've received positive comments. I don't write all this to receive that...
I write to bare my soul.... to show I am weak, frail, insignificant in this vast world but yet I am strong, a survivor with the gift of LIFE and LIVING.
I don't yet want it to stop... let me be on that carousel and make the world go round in JOY!
I help my Self when I help others. Conversely, I hurt my Self when I hurt someone else. When we care for others we care for our Inner Self. Some people have a greater propensity for helping others. Others appear self-absorbed, selfish, self-centred.
As I explore "Who I am", in what I perceive to be a small niche in a complicated world, I realise that I don't want to be involved in friendships or relationships that feel as if a game or part of a game is being played. At the same time, I have been trying NOT to play games with my inner Self; trying not to play with words, sentiments or emotions. More frequently I am of the opinion that it's hard to rely upon myself as well as that some people cannot always be relied upon as everyone appears to be in a state of flux - a state of busy-ness. I hadn't really appreciated the fluidity of change in the Human Condition. It annoys me if people blow hot and cold, play with emotions, yet, I believe that genuine friendship will stand the test of time and the most difficult of times.
I wish for honest, open, sincere, genuine, non-manipulative, non-controlling relationships and friendships, where there is mutual respect, trust, understanding of the individual, intrinsic kindness, care, tolerance, patience. I seek people who do not have fantastical expectations, who work within REALITY/NORMALITY and who accept imperfections and limitations. MaintainingTRUE friendships despite distance or close proximity is difficult even if people are true to their word, thought or deed.
I have a college friend from 46 years ago! Despite years between meet-ups it always feels natural, normal, honest and committed. She's a hoot, yet terribly sensible whereas I am reckless at times. She's been through a different Hell, yet we both have survived our ordeals.
Ah... The Parable of the Sower. I like the analogy that being part of a relationship / friendship is like being one of the plants in the soil. In poor soil we become stunted. If the soil is good we mature. Therefore good relationships communicate honestly without fear. Bad relationships aren'tt good for anyone. People seek positive friendships rather than negative ones which are not for our growth. I'm trying to weed out unhelpful undergrowth!!!
I can't help but be naive and vulnerable. It is who I am or have been. The world has so much for me to learn about. However, I DO try hard not to expect from anyone, to live in REALITY even though I am RESTLESS IN FRANCE.
Four years have passed and I realise that this is where my dearest friend and I went wrong; a form of enmity arrived. We differed on basics, yet were close to each other, co-dependent, hanging on from abject fears, perhaps. How very strange! We expected too much from each other which led to disappointment, rejection, abandonment and becoming stuck in a rut. We were drowning and couldn't survive. Life became stagnant, unfruitful, frightening as we began to age in another country without the natural intervention of family and friends. It wasn't encouraging growth and it was heading for destruction. Four years ago, I bought a house and there was hope for a new plan but the damage had been done. Now I value my freedom and the peace I find within me. I thank him for releasing me from what became a prison for my soul and maybe his! I know now I was in a different prison before I met him! At last, recently, he confessed that he finds it impossible to control his anger. WOW, a turning point. So, is he saying it wasn't only me!!!!!!! I tried to say anger is a waste of energy.
I understand anger because I know anger and also I find it hard to control emotional outpourings, words and tears. That is also a waste of energy! Although, I've known this for almost ten years, I accept it because it is my way of understanding and learning about me and people who didn't understand my capacity to just well up with tears. There have been times when I never knew why I cried but most of that is sorted. The crying hasn't competely stopped because I also cry in joy and acute happiness BUT generally I am lighter of spirit, more fun to be with, relinquishing the story and gaining other tales. "More natural and positive and it suits me", says my cousin.
Open-ness, facing Truth about "Who I am", my strengths and weaknesses will help me to better communicate with others and to better communicate with my inner SELF.
Honesty has to exist with all the people I meet. I'm not afraid to tell what I perceive to be my truth. If another person doesn't like it and wants to be jealous, angry or whatever, then it isn't my problem. I'm not intimidated by the angry moment. I faced my angry father after he died and lived alongside anger from the person who I thought was the love-of-my-life. The pain of unrequited love is often too much to bear but I am dealing with it! I've had to come to terms with my own passive, interior anger which would eventually erupt like Volcanic Etna in frustration. To my utter shame. The ending of my career was when the management team who should have been caring, taking responsibility to guide me, not to denigrate me, did not help me to see that I was ill when I became angry!
A person is not an island. We need friends indeed and in deed; people to support and help us understand worldly issues, the living and the dead from a different perspective.
It broke my heart that I couldn't live in HIS house without HIS friendship. The man I liked disappeared. I was lost. We had to part, because we had to give each other the freedom to grow in a better soil, somewhere that would suit our needs, give us nourishment to suit our differing personalities, interests, beliefs. It annoys me that he won't talk to show that he acknowledges the facts...It can't be cured. there is no going back! Maybe the 'books' are right and one just has to 'move on'. Recently, I see a glimpse of the person I loved and who he once was ( and probably is), yet I know it will not die, even though I hope in the future I will truly love others. True friendship never dies.
This last week as I respond to helping him sell his house, I become more aware of the deep non-romantic LOVE that I had and maybe have for my former partner. For many years when people asked me HOW do I love that man who has hurt me so deeply inside, I always described it as a form of Compassion. I've witnessed his suffering and never knew what to do about it or how to help him. At the same time, I struggled with my own suffering. He couldn't support me any more than I him! It wasn't easy to live with that person for the rest of my life...nor him with me.
'Wheels are moving' is an expression I have acquired to describe changes. I FEEL CONFIDENT that despite the past, it does not prevent me from LOVING HIM.... even though he and I have changed.... I struggled with this concept for a long time. It seemed wrong but now I see that it isn't! Our deeper friendship has stood the test of Time. I know that I can let him go on his adventures and be happy for him. I may be very naive but I feel it is the TRUTH. There is honesty from me to him, who has supported me in a weird way these last ten years!
I've written this because my blog has oftentime veered from house renovation to a story of struggle, a story of how I came to be here in France, of what I do, how I think/feel, attempting to make sense of what surrounds us. It is about THE NOW as well as THE PAST and I know that THIS IS THIS and the future is beyond my complete control. All that withstanding, I learn about society and aspects which affect emotional and psychological states about which I have panicked and wept copiously.
I've been travelling whilst I consider the words of this posting.
The sun rises on the horizon and until it sets I will attempt to be more compassionate for my friends and family. In the last few weeks I've received positive comments. I don't write all this to receive that...
I write to bare my soul.... to show I am weak, frail, insignificant in this vast world but yet I am strong, a survivor with the gift of LIFE and LIVING.
I don't yet want it to stop... let me be on that carousel and make the world go round in JOY!
Tuesday 18 March 2014
Book Review: Charlotte Gray
The novel Charlotte Gray was written in 1999 by Sebastian Faulks with a film directed by Gillian Armstrong starring Cate Blanchet released in 2001.
I loved this book. It was profound and emotionally educational unravelling some of the tangled thoughts about my own parental relationship.
page 474:
I was upset when she commented about how her father was emotionally and mentally damaged by his experiences in WWI.
I began to realise that my own parents may have been proud of me but they never ever praised me in all of my life. My mother once did say I was clever so maybe that counts!
I was in tears towards the end of the book:
the author writes about a man's need and fears of being a father, a person, a man as a boy and how men can be a prisoner of sensual desire.... so I started to wonder about how people set themselves free from the chains that they have self-imposed. When I was in my 30s or 40s I doodled many chains and wrote about myself being a prisoner but then I did not know what of! I still have that INNER CHILD THERAPY JOURNAL.
page 482:
I had a kind of revelation. I began to sob suddenly and uncontrollably as I realized that possibly I had never ever really thought about MY LIFE from my parents' viewpoint ... It is what I have been expecting my grown up children to do! I want them to appreciate and understand that I think about their lives from my viewpoint and I think that perhaps one of them hasn't yet understood that and won't until he becomes a parent.
page 483:
I interpret the author's writings:
The noise of shouting and violence... the sight and sound of torment, grief and horror cause the destruction of the softness of love.
Wikipedia says:
"The character of Charlotte Gray was based on a New Zealand woman called Nancy Wake who worked with the French Resistance near a village called Verneix in the Auvergne region. Instead of escaping she became a courier for the resistance but had to eventually flee to Spain and then England where she was trained by the SOE. She was parachuted back into France on 29 April 1944 and went on to lead a 7,000 strong resistance group in the Auvergne region. Her husband, Henri Fioca, was tortured and killed by the Gestapo for failing to reveal her whereabouts."
I loved this book. It was profound and emotionally educational unravelling some of the tangled thoughts about my own parental relationship.
page 474:
I was upset when she commented about how her father was emotionally and mentally damaged by his experiences in WWI.
I began to realise that my own parents may have been proud of me but they never ever praised me in all of my life. My mother once did say I was clever so maybe that counts!
I was in tears towards the end of the book:
"She strained at the memory of her childhood, at the sense of some rapture lost. Yet it all remained like some frozen sea: great blocks of ice, submerged but static, and beyond the melting capacity of her conscious will."......... "her mother would turn form intimacy"page 479 and after:
the author writes about a man's need and fears of being a father, a person, a man as a boy and how men can be a prisoner of sensual desire.... so I started to wonder about how people set themselves free from the chains that they have self-imposed. When I was in my 30s or 40s I doodled many chains and wrote about myself being a prisoner but then I did not know what of! I still have that INNER CHILD THERAPY JOURNAL.
page 482:
I had a kind of revelation. I began to sob suddenly and uncontrollably as I realized that possibly I had never ever really thought about MY LIFE from my parents' viewpoint ... It is what I have been expecting my grown up children to do! I want them to appreciate and understand that I think about their lives from my viewpoint and I think that perhaps one of them hasn't yet understood that and won't until he becomes a parent.
page 483:
I interpret the author's writings:
The noise of shouting and violence... the sight and sound of torment, grief and horror cause the destruction of the softness of love.
``````````````````
In this novel, Charlotte Gray, a young Scot, became involved with the
French resistance at Vichy, in 1942, during the Second World War. She'd traveled to London to work as a medical receptionist for a Harley Street doctor but on the train
she shared a compartment with two men, one
who works for the secret service and he invites her to contact him when the job gets boring. Despite the war,
social life was in full swing and she soon meets an accomplished airman, Peter Gregory. The temporary nature
of life at wartime brings romance where she loses her virginity
and her heart. Peter is
sent on a mission over France and becomes missing in action. She joins a Special Operations
Executive (SOE) training course where about one third of the women sent to France never returned. The secret service exploit her talent to speak French fluently and she is happy to return to France where she spent much of her childhood. She passes interrogation to be a spy, has her hair and dentistry adapted to look more like a French woman and is parachuted into France to complete a specified
mission. She goes AWOL and sets out to
find Gregory.Wikipedia says:
"The character of Charlotte Gray was based on a New Zealand woman called Nancy Wake who worked with the French Resistance near a village called Verneix in the Auvergne region. Instead of escaping she became a courier for the resistance but had to eventually flee to Spain and then England where she was trained by the SOE. She was parachuted back into France on 29 April 1944 and went on to lead a 7,000 strong resistance group in the Auvergne region. Her husband, Henri Fioca, was tortured and killed by the Gestapo for failing to reveal her whereabouts."
Friday 7 March 2014
Facing the onset of Spring
Days become lighter mornings and evenings and with that a frosty morning snap has arrived.
My arms have been working, stretching, lifting, carrying, which seems to suit the pain. It's very odd, because at night, the pain keeps me awake or wakes me so that I lose sleep. I have a sneaking suspicion that the inflammation has reduced but am reluctant to say that there is improvement, or that the pain is getting better. Ginger tea is the order of each day as it is a natural anti-inflammatory! And so it is and so.
The media reports about the elderly. Am I becoming thus :)? It is scary! I loved to hear about Nell on Woman's Hour this week. She is 100 Years old and a true inspiration. She cleans every day and says it's much easier for her once the lady has giving it 'a do' ... what a marvellous expression! Keep on moving that's what we've all got to do. Use it or lose it. I do my best to keep moving but it has to further improve! When I sit still and cannot peel myself away from technology, I know that if I can dance or 'faire le repassage' / iron the bedlinen whilst David Bowie sings then I will feel better! But I like to sit and write / type, read the news, research this and that which the internet provides. It has transformed my life.
Whilst Facing the onset of Spring:
There is a 2 stere stack of logs from 2013, yet I daren't touch them as they are stacked so well. Therefore, using the machine, I have started splitting logs from the January 2014 delivery. Really that wood needs to dry out a little more as some will not give to the 400 kilo pressure. Smaller/thinner oak logs give greater immediate heat. Although the sun has been shining, some days or parts of days are still pretty cold, but there are times when one can have morning coffee or afternoon tea in the courtyard or rear garden. There has been what I call a RAW East Anglian spike to the crisp, cold-blue sky and an edge to the wind. Tonight, 5th March, one can see Orion The Hunter lit by the myriads of stars and single crescent moon.
Whilst Facing the early Spring, pages of Life turn...
I've been walking around my house climbing ladders, sorting and spring cleaning. I like DIY when part of a team, even though I am mainly the support skivvy. Friendship should have been more than working at home improvement. It's been a fact that I can't do this work alone. Eventually, with not great effort, I succumbed to accepting an offer of help and I, in turn try to help him. I've said it before that 'It's not yet finished until it's finished'. Friendship doesn't just cease. Whilst there is laughter and fun which makes us happy, there is another day to celebrate, another day to live, another day to gather happiness around us! What is happiness? What is friendship? What is a relationship?
I know that if I truly love someone then that love will go wherever she/he stays and wherever she/he goes. In the case if my friend, I hope that my love will give him courage to find whatever he thinks he is looking for, whatever he thinks he didn't have when he lived with me! I give him my blessings.
I / he / we haven't always been kind to each other and that fact hurts me beyond belief in my darkest moments... and...then I wake up!!!!!
I / he/we have been quite frustrated with each other for all sorts of reasons.
It's a shame and a waste of friendship!
I don't understand how people have successful friendships let alone relationships or marriage!
He jokingly but seriously says I must take advantage. The Wheels of Life are moving and we face further future LOSS. On my return from a long drive to buy a matching curtain pole to the first, I sobbed most of the 50 minute journey home!!!!!!! Why do I cry? I know why!!!!!!! But as I cry, I think, and thinking whilst I drive helps to unravel emotion, though it's not quite safe to do all this at the same time! I absolutely know how I feel and it won't go away and by Jove I have tried, even not connecting with him for 5 months! Its feels like a form of madness, illogical, worse when he have made contact and then are apart. Unrequited Love, I suppose that is what it is....
How are people able to care so much for each other after 15, 30, 50 or more years of marriage?
What made us so co-dependently close and then what made us fail to keep tolerant and patient with our foibles? I/he/we made so many mistakes!
Why is it that the smallest of jobs and most final of tasks when titivating interior decoration seem to take for ever? However, those 6 French doors of the barn part of the house are at last painted internally. Now wooden battens fixed to polystyrene backed plaster-boarded walls take curtain poles to receive beautiful Laura Ashley cream damask curtains from a house I left in 2002. They have emerged from the suitcase, visited the dry-cleaners at huge expense, but the lovely lady halved the price as there were 4 curtains, and at last they now provide ambience. However, I must sit and lower the hem which means using needle, thread and patience.
I'm trying to consider having a chambre d'hôte in the high season. This week and last we've been working through small jobs where broken door-knobs have been repaired, plumbing to the exterior toilet and sink has been repaired, and there has been much drilling, sawing, sanding, painting.
It has been a pleasure!
My arms have been working, stretching, lifting, carrying, which seems to suit the pain. It's very odd, because at night, the pain keeps me awake or wakes me so that I lose sleep. I have a sneaking suspicion that the inflammation has reduced but am reluctant to say that there is improvement, or that the pain is getting better. Ginger tea is the order of each day as it is a natural anti-inflammatory! And so it is and so.
The media reports about the elderly. Am I becoming thus :)? It is scary! I loved to hear about Nell on Woman's Hour this week. She is 100 Years old and a true inspiration. She cleans every day and says it's much easier for her once the lady has giving it 'a do' ... what a marvellous expression! Keep on moving that's what we've all got to do. Use it or lose it. I do my best to keep moving but it has to further improve! When I sit still and cannot peel myself away from technology, I know that if I can dance or 'faire le repassage' / iron the bedlinen whilst David Bowie sings then I will feel better! But I like to sit and write / type, read the news, research this and that which the internet provides. It has transformed my life.
Whilst Facing the onset of Spring:
There is a 2 stere stack of logs from 2013, yet I daren't touch them as they are stacked so well. Therefore, using the machine, I have started splitting logs from the January 2014 delivery. Really that wood needs to dry out a little more as some will not give to the 400 kilo pressure. Smaller/thinner oak logs give greater immediate heat. Although the sun has been shining, some days or parts of days are still pretty cold, but there are times when one can have morning coffee or afternoon tea in the courtyard or rear garden. There has been what I call a RAW East Anglian spike to the crisp, cold-blue sky and an edge to the wind. Tonight, 5th March, one can see Orion The Hunter lit by the myriads of stars and single crescent moon.
Whilst Facing the early Spring, pages of Life turn...
I've been walking around my house climbing ladders, sorting and spring cleaning. I like DIY when part of a team, even though I am mainly the support skivvy. Friendship should have been more than working at home improvement. It's been a fact that I can't do this work alone. Eventually, with not great effort, I succumbed to accepting an offer of help and I, in turn try to help him. I've said it before that 'It's not yet finished until it's finished'. Friendship doesn't just cease. Whilst there is laughter and fun which makes us happy, there is another day to celebrate, another day to live, another day to gather happiness around us! What is happiness? What is friendship? What is a relationship?
I know that if I truly love someone then that love will go wherever she/he stays and wherever she/he goes. In the case if my friend, I hope that my love will give him courage to find whatever he thinks he is looking for, whatever he thinks he didn't have when he lived with me! I give him my blessings.
I / he / we haven't always been kind to each other and that fact hurts me beyond belief in my darkest moments... and...then I wake up!!!!!
I / he/we have been quite frustrated with each other for all sorts of reasons.
It's a shame and a waste of friendship!
I don't understand how people have successful friendships let alone relationships or marriage!
He jokingly but seriously says I must take advantage. The Wheels of Life are moving and we face further future LOSS. On my return from a long drive to buy a matching curtain pole to the first, I sobbed most of the 50 minute journey home!!!!!!! Why do I cry? I know why!!!!!!! But as I cry, I think, and thinking whilst I drive helps to unravel emotion, though it's not quite safe to do all this at the same time! I absolutely know how I feel and it won't go away and by Jove I have tried, even not connecting with him for 5 months! Its feels like a form of madness, illogical, worse when he have made contact and then are apart. Unrequited Love, I suppose that is what it is....
How are people able to care so much for each other after 15, 30, 50 or more years of marriage?
What made us so co-dependently close and then what made us fail to keep tolerant and patient with our foibles? I/he/we made so many mistakes!
Why is it that the smallest of jobs and most final of tasks when titivating interior decoration seem to take for ever? However, those 6 French doors of the barn part of the house are at last painted internally. Now wooden battens fixed to polystyrene backed plaster-boarded walls take curtain poles to receive beautiful Laura Ashley cream damask curtains from a house I left in 2002. They have emerged from the suitcase, visited the dry-cleaners at huge expense, but the lovely lady halved the price as there were 4 curtains, and at last they now provide ambience. However, I must sit and lower the hem which means using needle, thread and patience.
I'm trying to consider having a chambre d'hôte in the high season. This week and last we've been working through small jobs where broken door-knobs have been repaired, plumbing to the exterior toilet and sink has been repaired, and there has been much drilling, sawing, sanding, painting.
It has been a pleasure!
Thursday 19 December 2013
Diary entry for 18th December
It's now Friday 20th December evening and I am listening to Handel's Messiah.
Thanks to Google I can do a back posting just to confuse any of you who are reading these scripts!
Wednesday December 18th
2013 - 12 noon
It’s a new day and am
I reeling or not?
Returning from three
weeks in English highly centrally-heated internal living environments to an 8 degree room environment yesterday
evening, I was grateful for the rising temperatures of 10 degrees and a tatch by the following midday
Yes, I have enjoyed coming back to my house.
With silence about me unless I turn on the radio, the thoughts stream in about
the last three weeks, the people I have met, the experiences I have had, the
opportunities missed, the unexpected and the expected events and emotions.
A walk to the
boulangerie ensures that I speak to someone. My housebound neighbour’s daughter exclaims that I have been away a long time. The high-pitched elderly man who
lives in my street further towards the village gathers info that I've been to England to be with family. Villagers love a little gossip and
intrigue about a single, elderly, (I'm only 60 something!) English female and what is she doing in this
village far from her family and friends…. And well may they speculate for it is
the never-ending question that I ask myself again when I climb the slope in my
French street, marvelling at what goes on and why on earth I have spent so much
on a roof ( hear the expletives!!!) and a house ( it's all mine and house rentals throughout my life would have amounted to the same!!!) when I can’t spend that on a vehicle or grand piano
or travelling!
Oh oh oh!!!!
Sunday 25 August 2013
Feeling the pain and rising above it........
I felt the breeze change last night. Autumn cometh.
The weather has changed: temperatures in / out for day / night have been similar for some time BUT NOW a 10C degree difference between outdoors / indoors accompanies the rain, scuppering an idea to clear the wood pile! Sabotage!
I feel Life's tempest brewing ......
I haven't posted because living alone allows too much opportunity for introspective thinking on making sense of this world and I am fast coming to the conclusion there is NO SENSE: it is all NON SENSE!
LIFE is short. Perhaps it has to be enjoyed no matter how hedonistic. I've invested too much time and energy in the man that I thought I loved. I know I did love him even back in 1998 when first we became unstable. Why has it lasted so long? Why does it take so long to heal?
MY STRUGGLE IS THAT I HAVE deeply rooted PRINCIPLES of prudishness, pride, honesty, loyalty, integrity, decency and dignity and feel that I should be honoured and cherished for my womanhood and that THAT is also what I should offer for any man who wants to be with me!
BUT IT AINT ALWAYS LIKE THAT!!!!!!
I've made errors of judgement with my principles / behaviour but I don't have to punish who I am.
One tries to go with the flow of life... tries to keep busy... tries to keep calm and reflect, consider motives for what I WANT TO DO IN MY LIFE, now that someone says I am a liberated woman with a thousand voices and says I rock his boat !
How nice! How flattering but it can't last!
BUT then the dream and reality of unreality crashes on the rocks! The rock is on a stormy sea. I clearly contributed to The Previous One's behaviour. it wasn't all my fault even though he blamed and criticised me for my imperfections, failings, weaknesses. THAT is exactly what he worked upon to keep me down whenever I got strong.
Why is it that my rebellious teenager or my playtime seeking child won't listen to my adult?
How much can anyone ever believe anyone?
How much can anyone trust others ... or is it all to be interpreted as a pack of lies as each one of us in the world seeks to meet our own individual needs in a selfish world?
Have I become too cynical?
Have I too much time to think?
Is it because I've been down on the floor so many times, picked myself up, dusted myself down and started all over again that I will keep doing that until I learn what it is I need to learn?
Someone please shout at me the blindingly obvious!
How can anyone ever protect themselves from the pain that is bound to come when one has had pleasure or feels bliss when it all disintegrates?
I get blissful whilst on my bike, whilst looking out with wonder across stubbled fields, clover, fields where millet ripens, huge leaved crops that must be the Nicotiana family ... tobacco, yellow and green sunflowers in serried ranks, praising the SUN, which I do too ...... I bow my head as I eat my apple and praise God for the fact that I am alive and mobile and my happiness pours forth into the world.
I need to be emotionally inert. That's a laugh a minute ... it'll happen when I am dead!
One tries to see good in everyone ... and know that as human beings we all feel the same ...
One tries to be compassionate and caring. I do try to love who I am and what I am so that I can share that love with others. It all sounds so trite.
One tries to know purpose in life and to what degree of fulfilment one could achieve for Self and to give to others.
I wish to meet new people, go to new places, hear new stories, do new things, see culture, so that I can learn more about REALITY.
I want to go travelling, be a hobo, but the time is not yet here.
There is a roof to be re-roofed, a kitchen to be gutted, a bunion to be lanced, logs to be collected / delivered / stacked and how to do this with a hobbly foot will be interesting and then the rest....
This the former professional, a sometimes feisty woman who used to juggle two kids as a single parent with a full-time teaching commitment working all hours that God sent in order to prove my worth (the failing school grew from a roll of 30 ish children to 120 on roll when I was Acting Head [for my sins]). I studied for my degree status at the same time. Before that the three of us lived in a house with subsidence where inside temperatures were below zero! Was I too busy with my job to take care of me and my kids. On reflection it did not seem to be enough but it has to be because it cannot be redone!
Mindful in solitude, I try to do the following but make little headway because of self-sabotage.
1. Wake up ... go to sleep.
2. Eat and drink a balanced diet to lose weight before the foot incapacitates me for 3 to 6 months.
3. Exercise - I spent too long on my bottom last winter. This Summer into Autumn I am proud of activity. I can easily walk fast for an hour in the morning and cycle for an hour or two each afternoon / evening. It is not enough. BUT is enough for someone who had M.E., who could not walk between two groynes on a beach without a helping hand, who had to crawl up the stairs and shuffle down on her bottom, who fell asleep whilst the kettle boiled!
4. TRY to tick off jobs and tasks...e.g. currently having to make a decision on MUTUELLE payments as this is a task that has been shelved for 7 years and the recent enquiry with quotes is one year old... I have to pay out for my health costs because I have chosen to live in France. Only a percentage is picked up by the NHS... (what is that these days?) Other goals must be to decide how to purchase a new vehicle so I pray that my little Clio keeps on moving....
5. TRY to Sort & Clear out STUFF I have not used, do not use, will never use again... Whew that is such a challenge!!!!!! There in my attic are family photos ... newspaper cuttings, memorabilia, treasured items of monetary and emotional value... There on my computer are photographic memories and a muddled collection of writings....and the whole story needs strategic thinking and a million ways of threshing to dump or keep in an honoured way. It's pretty scary to open sealed boxes from the past, when memories good and bad arrive to hit one in the head and heart. Currently the floor is littered with books not sold at the Books Festival ... not the same as a UK Literary Festival! but that is what this village needs to do. It is stuck in old ways and is not keeping up with modernity... One can't keep presenting the same format... We did that at school for sports day and barbecue nights and then someone came and shook it all up!!!!! It needed a revamp and so did we, the staff!
6. TRY to think clearly, proactively. logically. No thinking would be good too.
7. TRY to formulate ideas for a plan for the future!
8. Laugh A Minute! It keeps a level of sanity in the why of why this has happened in my life.
It's my blog... I can write about what I choose.
The weather has changed: temperatures in / out for day / night have been similar for some time BUT NOW a 10C degree difference between outdoors / indoors accompanies the rain, scuppering an idea to clear the wood pile! Sabotage!
I feel Life's tempest brewing ......
I haven't posted because living alone allows too much opportunity for introspective thinking on making sense of this world and I am fast coming to the conclusion there is NO SENSE: it is all NON SENSE!
LIFE is short. Perhaps it has to be enjoyed no matter how hedonistic. I've invested too much time and energy in the man that I thought I loved. I know I did love him even back in 1998 when first we became unstable. Why has it lasted so long? Why does it take so long to heal?
MY STRUGGLE IS THAT I HAVE deeply rooted PRINCIPLES of prudishness, pride, honesty, loyalty, integrity, decency and dignity and feel that I should be honoured and cherished for my womanhood and that THAT is also what I should offer for any man who wants to be with me!
BUT IT AINT ALWAYS LIKE THAT!!!!!!
I've made errors of judgement with my principles / behaviour but I don't have to punish who I am.
One tries to go with the flow of life... tries to keep busy... tries to keep calm and reflect, consider motives for what I WANT TO DO IN MY LIFE, now that someone says I am a liberated woman with a thousand voices and says I rock his boat !
How nice! How flattering but it can't last!
BUT then the dream and reality of unreality crashes on the rocks! The rock is on a stormy sea. I clearly contributed to The Previous One's behaviour. it wasn't all my fault even though he blamed and criticised me for my imperfections, failings, weaknesses. THAT is exactly what he worked upon to keep me down whenever I got strong.
Why is it that my rebellious teenager or my playtime seeking child won't listen to my adult?
How much can anyone ever believe anyone?
How much can anyone trust others ... or is it all to be interpreted as a pack of lies as each one of us in the world seeks to meet our own individual needs in a selfish world?
Have I become too cynical?
Have I too much time to think?
Is it because I've been down on the floor so many times, picked myself up, dusted myself down and started all over again that I will keep doing that until I learn what it is I need to learn?
Someone please shout at me the blindingly obvious!
How can anyone ever protect themselves from the pain that is bound to come when one has had pleasure or feels bliss when it all disintegrates?
I get blissful whilst on my bike, whilst looking out with wonder across stubbled fields, clover, fields where millet ripens, huge leaved crops that must be the Nicotiana family ... tobacco, yellow and green sunflowers in serried ranks, praising the SUN, which I do too ...... I bow my head as I eat my apple and praise God for the fact that I am alive and mobile and my happiness pours forth into the world.
I need to be emotionally inert. That's a laugh a minute ... it'll happen when I am dead!
One tries to see good in everyone ... and know that as human beings we all feel the same ...
One tries to be compassionate and caring. I do try to love who I am and what I am so that I can share that love with others. It all sounds so trite.
One tries to know purpose in life and to what degree of fulfilment one could achieve for Self and to give to others.
I wish to meet new people, go to new places, hear new stories, do new things, see culture, so that I can learn more about REALITY.
I want to go travelling, be a hobo, but the time is not yet here.
There is a roof to be re-roofed, a kitchen to be gutted, a bunion to be lanced, logs to be collected / delivered / stacked and how to do this with a hobbly foot will be interesting and then the rest....
This the former professional, a sometimes feisty woman who used to juggle two kids as a single parent with a full-time teaching commitment working all hours that God sent in order to prove my worth (the failing school grew from a roll of 30 ish children to 120 on roll when I was Acting Head [for my sins]). I studied for my degree status at the same time. Before that the three of us lived in a house with subsidence where inside temperatures were below zero! Was I too busy with my job to take care of me and my kids. On reflection it did not seem to be enough but it has to be because it cannot be redone!
Mindful in solitude, I try to do the following but make little headway because of self-sabotage.
1. Wake up ... go to sleep.
2. Eat and drink a balanced diet to lose weight before the foot incapacitates me for 3 to 6 months.
3. Exercise - I spent too long on my bottom last winter. This Summer into Autumn I am proud of activity. I can easily walk fast for an hour in the morning and cycle for an hour or two each afternoon / evening. It is not enough. BUT is enough for someone who had M.E., who could not walk between two groynes on a beach without a helping hand, who had to crawl up the stairs and shuffle down on her bottom, who fell asleep whilst the kettle boiled!
4. TRY to tick off jobs and tasks...e.g. currently having to make a decision on MUTUELLE payments as this is a task that has been shelved for 7 years and the recent enquiry with quotes is one year old... I have to pay out for my health costs because I have chosen to live in France. Only a percentage is picked up by the NHS... (what is that these days?) Other goals must be to decide how to purchase a new vehicle so I pray that my little Clio keeps on moving....
5. TRY to Sort & Clear out STUFF I have not used, do not use, will never use again... Whew that is such a challenge!!!!!! There in my attic are family photos ... newspaper cuttings, memorabilia, treasured items of monetary and emotional value... There on my computer are photographic memories and a muddled collection of writings....and the whole story needs strategic thinking and a million ways of threshing to dump or keep in an honoured way. It's pretty scary to open sealed boxes from the past, when memories good and bad arrive to hit one in the head and heart. Currently the floor is littered with books not sold at the Books Festival ... not the same as a UK Literary Festival! but that is what this village needs to do. It is stuck in old ways and is not keeping up with modernity... One can't keep presenting the same format... We did that at school for sports day and barbecue nights and then someone came and shook it all up!!!!! It needed a revamp and so did we, the staff!
6. TRY to think clearly, proactively. logically. No thinking would be good too.
7. TRY to formulate ideas for a plan for the future!
8. Laugh A Minute! It keeps a level of sanity in the why of why this has happened in my life.
It's my blog... I can write about what I choose.
Saturday 8 June 2013
Cinema
Ooooh Chatellerault has been showing THE GREAT GATSBY. On Thursday I discovered that Version Originale was being shown that evening....... so I had to re-organise my day, needing not to arrive too early, needing to do diy shopping before 7pm, supermarket shopping before 8pm and then park. It was quite strange to walk through the town alone at 11pm!
I loved the film.
I don't have television so am excited by visual techniques.
Cinematography knows no bounds! To begin with, it was a bit of a blast, fantastically imaginative, almost Titanic in concept and ambience and after that thought I remembered that DiCaprio was in the film! Once I'd got over my surprise, oohs and aahs, in order to cope with the visual grandeur I decided to indulge in the Fantasy, forget about the story, and enjoy every single amazing visual, aural thing. In fact, a couple of times I found myself chuckling aloud! I was absorbed in the plot and technowizardryscenery, but after the credits there was some really good music to focus on. During the film it was sometimes quite a jolt to hear modern music whilst viewing Roaring Twenties. I was the last in the cinema waiting to see what the music titles were. I loved the colours, the sets, the debauchery, the decadence, the obscene opulence as well as the morals being portrayed.
Above all there were lessons to remind me of REALITY.
(It's been a whole week of shifting thoughts and emotions! At last, internal change!)
It's been a long while since I read the novel so at this moment in my life, it was salutary to hear the dialogue that we can't move ahead without letting go of the past, that we can't live LIFE if looking in the rear view mirror! The past can't be recaptured and we must try to learn from it! That resonated!
(My daughter said 3 years ago, "the past is not the future". It has taken some time to come to terms with the fact that I CAN CONTROL (to a certain extent :) MY FUTURE!)
I think the film captures the illusion and reality that are sometimes present in our daily lives. Things might not be what they seem. One has to look for Truth in the unknown and known. One can have dreams and ambitions but should try to understand that they can't always be achieved. In order to strive to the future and hope for better things, we have to let go. (I've got an attic of stuff to let go!!!!) Nothing is perfect and if we try too hard we might fall and fail. Of course money doesn't buy happiness, so be content with what one has without being greedy for materialistic pleasures. If Love is put on a pedestal then when Love falls will there be anyone to catch Love?
Money Can't Buy Me LOVE.
That sort of thing!
Yes, a very thought provoking film if you abandon yourself to the experience! IT WAS FUN! :)
I loved the film.
I don't have television so am excited by visual techniques.
Cinematography knows no bounds! To begin with, it was a bit of a blast, fantastically imaginative, almost Titanic in concept and ambience and after that thought I remembered that DiCaprio was in the film! Once I'd got over my surprise, oohs and aahs, in order to cope with the visual grandeur I decided to indulge in the Fantasy, forget about the story, and enjoy every single amazing visual, aural thing. In fact, a couple of times I found myself chuckling aloud! I was absorbed in the plot and technowizardryscenery, but after the credits there was some really good music to focus on. During the film it was sometimes quite a jolt to hear modern music whilst viewing Roaring Twenties. I was the last in the cinema waiting to see what the music titles were. I loved the colours, the sets, the debauchery, the decadence, the obscene opulence as well as the morals being portrayed.
Above all there were lessons to remind me of REALITY.
(It's been a whole week of shifting thoughts and emotions! At last, internal change!)
It's been a long while since I read the novel so at this moment in my life, it was salutary to hear the dialogue that we can't move ahead without letting go of the past, that we can't live LIFE if looking in the rear view mirror! The past can't be recaptured and we must try to learn from it! That resonated!
(My daughter said 3 years ago, "the past is not the future". It has taken some time to come to terms with the fact that I CAN CONTROL (to a certain extent :) MY FUTURE!)
I think the film captures the illusion and reality that are sometimes present in our daily lives. Things might not be what they seem. One has to look for Truth in the unknown and known. One can have dreams and ambitions but should try to understand that they can't always be achieved. In order to strive to the future and hope for better things, we have to let go. (I've got an attic of stuff to let go!!!!) Nothing is perfect and if we try too hard we might fall and fail. Of course money doesn't buy happiness, so be content with what one has without being greedy for materialistic pleasures. If Love is put on a pedestal then when Love falls will there be anyone to catch Love?
Money Can't Buy Me LOVE.
That sort of thing!
Yes, a very thought provoking film if you abandon yourself to the experience! IT WAS FUN! :)
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