Words are what we are

This is tongue-in-cheek. 
A verbal selfie! 
The modern equivalent is probably "LOL"... does that mean Lots of Love or Lots of Laughter? 
It doesn't really matter! Here we are ust trying to lift spirits and laugh at preposterousness!

A dear good friend described me as formidable... But in which sense or all?

1. Arousing fear, dread, or alarm.
2. Inspiring awe, admiration, or wonder.
3. Difficult to undertake, surmount, or defeat.
-  from Middle English, Old French, Latin formīdābilis, from formīdāre, from formīdō, fear.

Several weeks ago, the same friend described me as enigmatic which I've heard on many an occasion from a number of people, usually of the opposite gender, and have always considered it a compliment and laughed.  I don't understand who I am so how do other people have such an insight?
And so...

ɛnɪɡˈmatɪk/enigmatic: an adjective meaning difficult to interpret or understand!
A Greek and Latin form of being non-conformist.

Synonyms would be: mysterious, puzzling, hard to understand, mystifying, inexplicable, baffling, perplexing, bewildering, confusing, impenetrable, inscrutable, incomprehensible, unexplainable, unfathomable, indecipherable, Delphic, oracular.

Am I all of those?  Oh dear!  I have often wished I could be more straightforward as the recommended antonym suggests!!!  Whoever I am, it seems, has created difficulties in my ability to form and maintain friendships. But I gather I am certainly not alone in that respect!  I am not a social outcast. I enjoy the company of people.  However, it is true I don't suffer fools gladly!  It was a reason given to me during an interview de-briefing, why I wasn't successful! Hm!! I think it was a polite way of telling me not to bother attempting to climb above my station!  

Feeling the pain and rising above it........

I felt the breeze change last night. Autumn cometh.
The weather has changed: temperatures  in / out  for day / night have been similar for some time BUT NOW a 10C degree difference between outdoors / indoors accompanies the rain, scuppering an idea to clear the wood pile! Sabotage!

I feel Life's tempest brewing ......

I haven't posted because living alone allows too much opportunity for introspective thinking on making sense of this world and I am fast coming to the conclusion there is NO SENSE:  it is all NON SENSE!
LIFE is short.  Perhaps it has to be enjoyed no matter how hedonistic.  I've invested too much time and energy in the man that I thought I loved. I know I did love him even back in 1998 when first we became unstable.  Why has it lasted so long? Why does it take so long to heal? 

MY STRUGGLE IS THAT I HAVE deeply rooted PRINCIPLES of prudishness, pride, honesty, loyalty, integrity, decency and dignity and feel that I should be honoured and cherished for my womanhood and that THAT is also what I should offer for any man who wants to be with me!
BUT IT AINT ALWAYS LIKE THAT!!!!!!
I've made errors of judgement with my principles / behaviour but I don't have to punish who I am. 
One tries to go with the flow of life... tries to keep busy... tries to keep calm and reflect, consider motives for what I WANT TO DO IN MY LIFE, now that someone says I am a liberated woman with a thousand voices and says I rock his boat !
How nice! How flattering but it can't last!
BUT then the dream and reality of unreality crashes on the rocks! The rock is on a stormy sea. I clearly contributed to The Previous One's behaviour.  it wasn't all my fault even though he blamed and criticised me for my imperfections, failings, weaknesses. THAT is exactly what he worked upon to keep me down whenever I got strong.

Why is it that my rebellious teenager or my playtime seeking child won't listen to my adult? 
 
How much can anyone ever believe anyone?
How much can anyone trust others ... or is it all to be interpreted as a pack of lies as each one of us in the world seeks to meet our own individual needs in a selfish world?
Have I become too cynical?
Have I too much time to think?
Is it because I've been down on the floor so many times, picked myself up, dusted myself down and started all over again that I will keep doing that until I learn what it is I need to learn?
Someone please shout at me the blindingly obvious!
How can anyone ever protect themselves from the pain that is bound to come when one has had pleasure or feels bliss when it all disintegrates?
I get blissful whilst on my bike, whilst looking out with wonder across stubbled fields, clover, fields where millet ripens, huge leaved crops that must be the Nicotiana family ... tobacco,  yellow and green sunflowers in serried ranks, praising the SUN, which I do too ...... I bow my head as I eat my apple and praise God for the fact that I am alive and mobile and my happiness pours forth into the world.
I need to be emotionally inert.  That's a laugh a minute ... it'll happen when I am dead!
One tries to see good in everyone ... and know that as human beings we all feel the same ...
One tries to be compassionate and caring. I do try to love who I am and what I am so that I can share that love with others. It all sounds so trite.
One tries to know purpose in life and to what degree of fulfilment one could achieve for Self and to give to others.
I wish to meet new people, go to new places, hear new stories, do new things, see culture, so that I can learn more about REALITY.
I want to go travelling, be a hobo, but the time is not yet here.
There is a roof to be re-roofed, a kitchen to be gutted,  a bunion to be lanced, logs to be collected / delivered / stacked and how to do this with a hobbly foot will be interesting and then the rest....
This the former professional, a sometimes feisty woman who used to juggle two kids as a single parent with a full-time teaching commitment working all hours that God sent in order to prove my worth (the failing school grew from a roll of 30 ish children to 120 on roll when I was Acting Head [for my sins]). I studied for my degree status  at the same time. Before that the three of us lived in a house with subsidence where inside temperatures were below zero! Was I too busy with my job to take care of me and my kids. On reflection it did not seem to be enough but it has to be because it cannot be redone!

Mindful in solitude, I try to do the following but make little headway because of self-sabotage. 
1. Wake up ... go to sleep.
2. Eat and drink a balanced diet to lose weight before the foot incapacitates me for 3 to 6 months.
3. Exercise - I spent too long on my bottom last winter.  This Summer into Autumn I am proud of activity. I can easily walk fast for an hour in the morning and cycle for an hour or two each afternoon / evening.  It is not enough. BUT is enough for someone who had M.E., who could not walk between two groynes on a beach without a helping hand, who had to crawl up the stairs and shuffle down on her bottom, who fell asleep whilst the kettle boiled!
4. TRY to tick off jobs and tasks...e.g. currently having to make a decision on MUTUELLE payments as this is a task that has been shelved for 7 years and the recent enquiry with quotes is one year old... I have to pay out for my health costs because I have chosen to live in France. Only a percentage is picked up by the NHS... (what is that these days?)  Other goals must be to decide how to purchase a new vehicle so I pray that my little Clio keeps on moving....
5. TRY to Sort & Clear out STUFF I have not used, do not use, will never use again... Whew that is such a challenge!!!!!!  There in my attic are family photos ... newspaper cuttings, memorabilia, treasured items of monetary and emotional value...  There on my computer are photographic memories and a muddled collection of writings....and the whole story needs strategic thinking and a million ways of threshing to dump or keep in an honoured way. It's pretty scary to open sealed boxes from the past, when memories good and bad arrive to hit one in the head and heart. Currently the floor is littered with books not sold at the Books Festival ... not the same as a UK Literary Festival! but that is what this village needs to do.  It is stuck in old ways and is not keeping up with modernity... One can't keep presenting the same format... We did that at school for sports day and barbecue nights and then someone came and shook it all up!!!!! It needed a revamp and so did we, the staff!
6. TRY to think clearly, proactively. logically. No thinking would be good too.
7. TRY to formulate ideas for a plan for the future!
8. Laugh A Minute!    It keeps a level of sanity in the why of why this has happened in my life.

It's my blog... I can write about what I choose.

Another day

Pick myself up...dust myself down...keep busy...DO...take action...stop the mind chattering...live in the NOW...I've been practising for quite a while, so one would think I'd be better, and indeed I have made huge strides, but every now and then, I give myself permission to grieve and wallow in a bit of self pity...then I feel better and able to cope!!!!TIME has to be the Healer...

A Tale of Two Duvets

Today is the day when duvets will be cleaned at the launderette as a treat because although they are not dirty as such they have not been cleaned for more years than I would like to confess.  This has been for a number of reasons,  too lengthy to mention.  However, with a second comfortable bed with its own duvet in another room and with warm weather forecast for the next few days, it’s time for transporting two bulky luxury king size feather duvets.

I had already discovered that at the launderette in the larger town, 30km journey, the cleaning of one duvet would cost me 32e, Nearer , 7km journey, it would cost about 26e. Without procrastination, I head to the launderette at a nearby market town, 8km, because in the past I received courteous and helpful service. Being petrol conscious, the drive could incorporate a visit to the market to purchase vegetables, fruit and fish because I am TRYING to keep to a diet.

On arrival, I enquire cheerfully about the price and am told 40 euros per duvet.  Oh dear! With an um and ah I decide to go ahead, even though, perhaps, I could buy a new one, appreciatively lesser quality, for a little more than 80 euros!  He is going to wash the duvet rather than chemically clean it and is telling me that the feathers will bulk together. I understand!  I ask him why he is not going to chemically clean it ... but I do not fully understand, yet he says it would still be wet. Then having filled in his form and taken my name I ask when they will be ready.  I have not yet paid!  He announced September 15^th, which is in 20 days!!!!!!!  I exclaim that this is far too long as I am expecting visitors and the weather might change but NO… the monsieur is not for turning!  I decide this is an unacceptable period for an unacceptable amount and tell him nicely that it is not possible and go to gather up my duvets.  As I do this, he surprises me. He BANGS his hands down on the counter and screws up his form, throwing it across the room behind him!  I quietly say “Ooh la la monsieur, Ooh la la”. As I exit the door I call breezily “Bon journée.”  
What amazed me is that:

Le monsieur was working at his crossword page when I arrived and clearly was not pressed at Le Pressing!  

What is it about a very teeny, tiny proportion of French people who appear to not wish to accommodate a service for their business!!!!!!!!

This happened with a local restaurant recently. We arrived at 20h30 and were refused service because although they were only three people, they had been working since 8am, were tired, plus the proprietress said they had run out of food as it is almost the end of the season and close at 21h!   It is still hottest August!!!!  However, at least they sold a take away pizza as this seems to be about all my 4 year old grand daughter who rarely sleeps wanted to eat!!!!!!!! 

At that restaurant I expressed surprise, saying that I thought custom is important for the survival of a business!  We would have spent at least 60 euros but it was their loss and ours too!
I made an omelette! 
LESSON OF THE DAY
In our region of France decide to eat earlier in the evening and book a table!  I know that but it was difficult to impress my family with this idea. Now they know!

Yesterday

Yesterday......
PART ONE
oh George, oh Paul, oh John, oh Ringo, oh The Beatles, oh how I used to weep between screams and smiles of joy, of sentiment, of being on the edge of a cliff of musical, magical, majestical mystery.
PART TWO
Yesterday ....... was a stormy day... in more ways than one.

Yesterday, I sat on a bench under the hands of horse chestnut trees, whilst rain penetrating through leaves dropped drips, one by one, onto my blue-grey rain mac and in my hair, as I sat and studied  lightning across a river valley, watching rain fall against the backdrop of trees. Birds stopped song and flight as rain fell and when the clouds abated, the feathered friends struck up their tunes and were seen to fly from place to place, for it was not yet 9 o'clock in the evening.

Yesterday, I sat under the leaves of conker trees and smelled the damp bark. I leaned against the tree and wished to hug the strength out of it.  I witnessed conkers lying on the ground from last Autumn.  I looked up into the canopy of green and felt protected.  My wistful melancholy whimpered at my soul like a French nightingale with all the joys and happinesses of Spring and Summer but solitariness seethed towards a wonderment about people and existence.

Yesterday, I sat wishing I had my camera, purse and tissues, for I had nothing except my self and what I wore. Then CLOCK. I see before me a Toyota MR2 sports car with a GB number plate... ah ha .. English people are here.  Ah ha, and what is this, as a Porsche Boxster S parks alongside it. "Bonsoir" le monsieur dit a moi. "Bon soir Monsieur" je dit.  "Hello".  He discusses the weather and who they are visiting and asks me something where I reveal a twist in the day but reveal nothing more than the wistfulness of a stormy day.  I ask if he has seen me before, for he is quite friendly! He offers to bring a glass of wine as he clutches his two bottles of red to the place he is going to.  Of course he never arrives. Why would anyone in a thunder storm want to return to a wet bench under trees with two glasses of red in his hand when he is the age of my son?
But oh, I dreamed that he would..for a person to talk to and not to talk about me... oh no... for as I have been told I am as mad as a biscuit and I am told that I dream fancifully.
There I am in a film set ... rather as Bathsheba in the storm. I see Troy with Fanny as the rainstorm flooded the earth and spoiled the crops and yet made characters strong to allow love to win through tragedy.    Oh such a fanciful imagination in search of company and more than that... normality.

PART THREE
Wishing to maintain privacy, just let me say that the following day I was feeling so good that after almost 3 hours of mowing grass, I walked far into countryside at a pace, descending and climbing a circuit of stone steps, lanes, streets and pavements about the village and its environs.  I courageously knocked on a door to see if I could discover this person to explain that I do not normally sit in rain and thunder storms. These English people were so kind and not at all phased...so French really... we showed interest, discussing all manner of things French and English, their lives and mine. They fed me a most amazing 3 course meal followed by coffee.  I hope I can return the conviviality.

PART FOUR

Yesterday... I was told by an English person that I look French...oh oh oh... MY MY MY! J’ai arrivé.
I do actually have ancestors who are from Nîmes et de Nantes. How good do I feel!!!!!!!!

Life is looking up!!!!!!!

Verbosity

This word, I am avoiding repetition, is evidently supposed to be a no-no for writing, and for some, for speaking.
Do I talk too much?
Evidently, yes, when too much alcohol has been consumed. I accept that and try to curb my intake for my age!
Sometimes when I have had coffee, I know I become eloquent / verbose!
Sometimes when nothing has been imbibed, I get over-enthusiastic.
I try to listen with attention.  I thought I was a good listener.
I try hard to let the other person speak because I learn so much.
Once a friend used to let me talk, then after many months, nay years, complained that I talk too much.
I can see that the ploy of some when asking others to speak about themselves can indicate a lack of self-confidence putting them into a position of power to wrong foot the person ... Cynic that I am!
Do I write too much?  Maybe!!!!!! Sometimes!!!  Yes I do!!! And sometimes I, me, moi, just love it!
That last line is deliberately verbose!!!
The cure for verbosity is: 

•  to rephrase each sentence deleting as many words as possible
•  to use one word instead of several
•  to use bullet point
• to engage the listener or reader, so as to avoid their boredom from the use of flowery language and excessive use of words!!!!

Definition of verbose adjective long-winded, wordy, garrulous, windy, diffuse, prolix, tautological, circumlocutory, periphrastic, pleonastic

When drunk, he becomes pompous and verbose.

BUT I like writing and attempt creativity with words, trying to avoid the use of AY, AYE, EYE and I.
I certainly would not wish anyone to consider my writing to be TEDIOUS so perhaps it is time for re-assessment, acknowledgement and change.   What do you, the reader, think?

Improvement

Following on from my previous posting. I am not complacent.  I can always try to do better.