My OSX 10.6.8. has messages that tell that Firefox (I use) and Google Chrome ( I don't often use) will be, or are now, 'unsupported'. HELP!
Does this mean that only Safari (which I rarely use) will be 'supported' or that too will be 'unsupported'.
Is this Apple's way of ensuring we buy, buy, buy?
Wondering whether to continue the Apple route .....
I am worried about how I keep important poetry and written documents on my current laptop and photos, the latter of which are in three libraries of iphoto (created by The Apple store) and so I have such a big job to delete duplicates of sometimes 5 copies!
Now, I know that my laptop MUST be replaced; slight hinge problem, has had a new battery, it is 8 + years old, and although new technology might be welcomed I was hoping to wait until next year before such an expenditure.
The kitchen demanded last year's and this year's income and savings.
A newer vehicle, becoming a necessity, presents a dilemma whilst being resident in France when I don't ever get much time in UK to address this problem. I would prefer a RH drive vehicle.
Then there are some other personal issues I need to resolve with regard to finance.
All that couple with UK and global issues plus ageing and feeling isolated though not always lonely, I am wondering how long I can manage here.
Selling up and moving back seems to be too big an issue.
I needed to be levered out of my last property in UK but that was because it was me, me , me except for the traffic and neighour issues.
Before that I needed courage to climb the property ladder and my friend gave me that courage.
Now is perhaps not the time to sell up.
I stilhave things to do and need to banish procrastination. Maybe once there is no more major renovation... ( I do have ideas!) I will be able to open more boxes AND sell, give away, STUFF.
Meanwhile once that kitchen is IN, I look forwards to opening boxes of collected pottery and seeing what I wish to keep or pass to it's next owner!
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Friday 13 May 2016
Wednesday 20 January 2016
The Post
"Faites attention!" I am warned today in the village shop.
To make it easier for "les vendeurs des timbres" il y a un nouveau systeme!
BUT it is more expensive for those who are sending mail.
So I must pay attention.
Letter post from France to England or Europe:-
0 - 20g one stamp
22g - 100g two stamps
101g - 250g five stamps
251g - 500g eight stamps
501g - 3000g fourteen stamps
I think the shop owner said one stamp was 70 cts...
My letter weighed 111g for England... yet, if I had taken out some of the non urgent papers and sent them in another letter I would have saved the cost of one or two stamps!!!
I will print the chart and weigh letters at home before I venture to the post office.
A few days ago I sent a wooden times table square to my grand daughter. I hadn't seen one of these in UK and thought that playing a game with it would help her see the numerical patterns. She is quite good at Maths but as Y3 the quicker she learns them by whatever means the better!
Well, it cost me 8 stamps to post it when the item cost me about 2 euros and probably cost tuppence to make and the labourers who made it probably didn't even get a bowl of soup. (***See below) Crazy world! I wonder what the value of the first penny post would be in today's economy?
THE PAST
*** When I first started teaching in 1972 the school had few resources in the very East of England.
I spent every evening making resources with the card that they supplied and any pictures from free or bought magazines and brochures etc that I could lay my hands on. Then I had to cover them with sticky back plastic. I spent my own money on resources too! This was for a reception class where 30 kids roamed the room in an orderly fashion to and from individual or group educational tasks / games. It was a logistical wonder. The then Deputy Headteacher was my guru! No wonder my marriage failed as my poor husband could not understand my enthusiasm and obsession for making new progressive teaching resources every minute that I was at home!!!!!!!!!!
To make it easier for "les vendeurs des timbres" il y a un nouveau systeme!
BUT it is more expensive for those who are sending mail.
So I must pay attention.
Letter post from France to England or Europe:-
0 - 20g one stamp
22g - 100g two stamps
101g - 250g five stamps
251g - 500g eight stamps
501g - 3000g fourteen stamps
I think the shop owner said one stamp was 70 cts...
My letter weighed 111g for England... yet, if I had taken out some of the non urgent papers and sent them in another letter I would have saved the cost of one or two stamps!!!
I will print the chart and weigh letters at home before I venture to the post office.
A few days ago I sent a wooden times table square to my grand daughter. I hadn't seen one of these in UK and thought that playing a game with it would help her see the numerical patterns. She is quite good at Maths but as Y3 the quicker she learns them by whatever means the better!
Well, it cost me 8 stamps to post it when the item cost me about 2 euros and probably cost tuppence to make and the labourers who made it probably didn't even get a bowl of soup. (***See below) Crazy world! I wonder what the value of the first penny post would be in today's economy?
THE PAST
*** When I first started teaching in 1972 the school had few resources in the very East of England.
I spent every evening making resources with the card that they supplied and any pictures from free or bought magazines and brochures etc that I could lay my hands on. Then I had to cover them with sticky back plastic. I spent my own money on resources too! This was for a reception class where 30 kids roamed the room in an orderly fashion to and from individual or group educational tasks / games. It was a logistical wonder. The then Deputy Headteacher was my guru! No wonder my marriage failed as my poor husband could not understand my enthusiasm and obsession for making new progressive teaching resources every minute that I was at home!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday 17 January 2016
It's all too easy
whilst living alone, at this age, to be like Bowie, apparently obsessed with anxieties and fears of loss, mental health, death etc.... but oh, if only one had his ability to create.
The mind has a terrible habit of wandering and bringing to the fore the most weirdest of thoughts!
I blurb about my own!
I wish I'd been artistically creative.
When two GREAT ARTISTs have died within one week, including the inspirational Alan Rickman, the inevitable demise (a friend bluntly says 'it is natural wastage!') results in the inevitable analyses and re-runs of performances presented now through internet media, by those reporters who are living. Thankfully the radio and internet are enough for me without television. The resultant articles are extremely informative filling the gaps in my knowledge, but also have beckoned me and others to Look Back, be it in Joy or Anger, or any other emotion. It helps a grieving process. It also wakens one up to get a move on whilst life is present!!!!!!
...to get things in order to support my adult children when they will have their hour of need in one hopes some grief of trawling through my personal stuff!!! I must leave it tidy! I must do this and that. But the doing of it is HARD! VERY DIFFICULT!
Getting the kitchen planned has taken so many hours and days. The room stares at me, defies me, says "it should be easy" and yes, it should. I think this, then that but have to return to the first or second idea because of available space etc.
I am aware of the start of the victim mode and want to be rescued! That will not do. I have to find the adult mode and be responsible. I bought the house. I took out the kitchen with the help of another because it was very damaged and unaesthetic ... and NOW ... ho ho ho it costs an arm and leg to instal a complete kitchen ... I still have two arms and legs and so I must afford it, whatever the future scenario! The sooner, the better and then I can be more free.
It is all too easy for any one of us to judge another. All this baggage we claim! It comes around again and again until we have sorted out the emotional pain we have gained in our very lives.
It's our pain and doesn't belong to anyone else.
It comes around again and again as we come into contact with REAL PEOPLE in our lives... not just those who have through celebrity status influenced our ideas on art and music, history, literature, geography, travel, food and other culture, textiles, nature, science technology, politics, economics, psychology, etc at the heart of our belief values and boundaries, but also those whom we have met fletteingly or deeply affecting our innermost core.
Bowie did what he could to transform his oddity and VOILA at the end of his life it was ashes to ashes ... and that is probably all we are. Maybe there will be a spirit or a soul that might squeeze through the gates of heaven but in my case.. .......I'd better start working harder.
Never too late .. is it?
The mind has a terrible habit of wandering and bringing to the fore the most weirdest of thoughts!
I blurb about my own!
I wish I'd been artistically creative.
When two GREAT ARTISTs have died within one week, including the inspirational Alan Rickman, the inevitable demise (a friend bluntly says 'it is natural wastage!') results in the inevitable analyses and re-runs of performances presented now through internet media, by those reporters who are living. Thankfully the radio and internet are enough for me without television. The resultant articles are extremely informative filling the gaps in my knowledge, but also have beckoned me and others to Look Back, be it in Joy or Anger, or any other emotion. It helps a grieving process. It also wakens one up to get a move on whilst life is present!!!!!!
...to get things in order to support my adult children when they will have their hour of need in one hopes some grief of trawling through my personal stuff!!! I must leave it tidy! I must do this and that. But the doing of it is HARD! VERY DIFFICULT!
Getting the kitchen planned has taken so many hours and days. The room stares at me, defies me, says "it should be easy" and yes, it should. I think this, then that but have to return to the first or second idea because of available space etc.
I am aware of the start of the victim mode and want to be rescued! That will not do. I have to find the adult mode and be responsible. I bought the house. I took out the kitchen with the help of another because it was very damaged and unaesthetic ... and NOW ... ho ho ho it costs an arm and leg to instal a complete kitchen ... I still have two arms and legs and so I must afford it, whatever the future scenario! The sooner, the better and then I can be more free.
It is all too easy for any one of us to judge another. All this baggage we claim! It comes around again and again until we have sorted out the emotional pain we have gained in our very lives.
It's our pain and doesn't belong to anyone else.
It comes around again and again as we come into contact with REAL PEOPLE in our lives... not just those who have through celebrity status influenced our ideas on art and music, history, literature, geography, travel, food and other culture, textiles, nature, science technology, politics, economics, psychology, etc at the heart of our belief values and boundaries, but also those whom we have met fletteingly or deeply affecting our innermost core.
Bowie did what he could to transform his oddity and VOILA at the end of his life it was ashes to ashes ... and that is probably all we are. Maybe there will be a spirit or a soul that might squeeze through the gates of heaven but in my case.. .......I'd better start working harder.
Never too late .. is it?
Sunday 29 March 2015
Prayer
Hearts of mourning sail to all those affected by the incident in a French alpine disaster zone.
May they find courage within the sorrow.
May they find healing through their friends, families.
May they find support and comfort from their communities.
Hearts full of care and sadness.
Bless those who mourn.
If media reports are true, (of course further facts will unfold), then there is no glory in selfishness and thoughtlessness to kill self and others, nor to physically and psychologically injure those who live.
The lives of those who live will be forever affected by this tragedy.
The work involved is phenomenal.
The grief is unquantifiable.
It is terrible yet people will continue to journey.
I feel a sense of shame for my trivia expressing self-centred pride of small achievements when there is soulful mourning in the world.
Post script:
There is no accounting for the mad man or mad woman who selfishly cannot think out of their own head and have compassion and care for others when suicide occurs.
I know of two friends who selfishly took their own lives.
May they find courage within the sorrow.
May they find healing through their friends, families.
May they find support and comfort from their communities.
Hearts full of care and sadness.
Bless those who mourn.
If media reports are true, (of course further facts will unfold), then there is no glory in selfishness and thoughtlessness to kill self and others, nor to physically and psychologically injure those who live.
The lives of those who live will be forever affected by this tragedy.
The work involved is phenomenal.
The grief is unquantifiable.
It is terrible yet people will continue to journey.
I feel a sense of shame for my trivia expressing self-centred pride of small achievements when there is soulful mourning in the world.
Post script:
There is no accounting for the mad man or mad woman who selfishly cannot think out of their own head and have compassion and care for others when suicide occurs.
I know of two friends who selfishly took their own lives.
Wednesday 25 March 2015
In My Attic
is a previous life.
Some of it wanted.
Some of it unwanted.
Some of it not mine.
Some belongs to previous partner now nomadic!
Some belongs to two offspring with no space even if they did want it!
Some of it has been assigned for car boot sales, ebay type sales, and after that if it is 'NOT GAWN' it can be assigned to the skip if not good enough for charity. These things take time, for me to do!
It is a growing attic corner of boxes and stuff.
Some people have an attic, or garage, or room, or rooms, or sheds, or even heaven forbid whole buildings or EVEN, people hire space to house their unwanted or unused things!
The boxes in my attic go through various stages of being opened, sorted or not sorted.
I can't believe that I have suffered whilst LIVING IN FRANCE without my stuff in my kitchen, without bookshelves, without shelves for my treasures.....
I have some simple yet pleasing treasures!
I have things from the past not being used!
I have things that need to move on!
It's hard to go back and yet a joy to see it again!
There are three St Andrew crosses... and so we look up to the beauty and not down to the floor covered in STUFF!!!
I WILL ACCOMPLISH MY TASK ... one day :-)
Some of it wanted.
Some of it unwanted.
Some of it not mine.
Some belongs to previous partner now nomadic!
Some belongs to two offspring with no space even if they did want it!
Some of it has been assigned for car boot sales, ebay type sales, and after that if it is 'NOT GAWN' it can be assigned to the skip if not good enough for charity. These things take time, for me to do!
It is a growing attic corner of boxes and stuff.
Some people have an attic, or garage, or room, or rooms, or sheds, or even heaven forbid whole buildings or EVEN, people hire space to house their unwanted or unused things!
The boxes in my attic go through various stages of being opened, sorted or not sorted.
I can't believe that I have suffered whilst LIVING IN FRANCE without my stuff in my kitchen, without bookshelves, without shelves for my treasures.....
I have some simple yet pleasing treasures!
I have things from the past not being used!
I have things that need to move on!
It's hard to go back and yet a joy to see it again!
There are three St Andrew crosses... and so we look up to the beauty and not down to the floor covered in STUFF!!!
I WILL ACCOMPLISH MY TASK ... one day :-)
Sunday 30 November 2014
Poem: Threads
silver spidery threads
Spiders know how to catch God's glory.
November 2014
At the first funeral I stood and sat on the left of the aisle, up against the cold stone wall. As I contemplated many things, I noticed a mass of fine webs at hand level, that linked those stones with a chair which did not move because it was attached to the row of chairs it was part of. I did not know him. He did not know me. But I had seen him on his land and I know people who knew him. A Tragic End. Respect.
At the second funeral, the following day, I sat and stood on the right of the aisle to see the coffin and altar. Here as I sat having paid my blessings, in front of me at foot level were more of the same fine threads, fine in visibility. fine in texture. At a particular poignant moment, sunlight streamed through the stained glass windows and the web glistened with bright colour on its silk. I smiled. Life lives.
She and I had not met but in a Summer I might have waved if she had her window open... she was housebound for over five years. I have a regret to my shame. Each time I planned to visit, some thing delayed the event. She and her daughter, who is also a neighbour, lived 'en famille' in my house. Respect.
When I wrote this I had no idea that I would post it on Advent Day One. I light a candle.
lit by golden sunshine
connect an inner
church wall to chairs
which have not moved,
which have not moved,
where people sit,
where people stand,
but do not kneel.
spidery webs,
but do not kneel.
spidery webs,
silverised,
gilded,
in a French religious ceremony.
God’s light rebounds,
when rainbow patches form,
from filtered light through windows,
when rainbow patches form,
from filtered light through windows,
to bounce from saint to
silk and stone,
to radiate a living smile
in praise of life.
Spiders know how to catch God's glory.
a funeral,
a living end,
makes us sombre,
reminds us,
dust to dust.
dust to dust.
Dignity
in death,
Lost
in death,
Lost
is a Must.
I stand straight and tall near that cold
stone wall,
to give respect to a
human life I did not know,
watch,
to contemplate death,
recall,
to contemplate death,
recall,
life amidst people
standing now,
who await a turn ahead,
who are invited to
bless the dead,
they do...
they do...
knowing it could be
you.
silvery threads spun,
were not disturbed for
quite a while.
like us,
not disturbed for also quite a while,
but threads and webs of life remain,
alone.
not disturbed for also quite a while,
but threads and webs of life remain,
alone.
Then.
When we least suspect it,
Life is done,
When we least suspect it,
Life is done,
GONE.
The content of this posting MUST not be reproduced without written permission. :)November 2014
At the first funeral I stood and sat on the left of the aisle, up against the cold stone wall. As I contemplated many things, I noticed a mass of fine webs at hand level, that linked those stones with a chair which did not move because it was attached to the row of chairs it was part of. I did not know him. He did not know me. But I had seen him on his land and I know people who knew him. A Tragic End. Respect.
At the second funeral, the following day, I sat and stood on the right of the aisle to see the coffin and altar. Here as I sat having paid my blessings, in front of me at foot level were more of the same fine threads, fine in visibility. fine in texture. At a particular poignant moment, sunlight streamed through the stained glass windows and the web glistened with bright colour on its silk. I smiled. Life lives.
She and I had not met but in a Summer I might have waved if she had her window open... she was housebound for over five years. I have a regret to my shame. Each time I planned to visit, some thing delayed the event. She and her daughter, who is also a neighbour, lived 'en famille' in my house. Respect.
When I wrote this I had no idea that I would post it on Advent Day One. I light a candle.
Saturday 1 November 2014
Partytime!
It was a spookydooky occasion when disguise was appropriate.
This last week I delved into unopened boxes packed extremely efficiently ten years ago and other boxes packed four years ago, some not quite so well. In fact some stuff just packed into the box muddled! Within the last four years some boxes have been opened and strewn in a muddle in my attic when I had searched for something but lazily or in a hurry didn't re-pack the boxes correctly. Likewise the books boxes... I keep discovering more books which need to be assigned to their place!
The coincidence is that I found silver jewelry that could be worn to the party which hadn't been seen for aeons. I found masks used at Hallowe'en events once in France with the kiddies group I used to volunteer with and previous to that at fantastic Hallowe'en parties in England at my neighbour's house! Out came the red scarves, masks, feathers but no hula-hula skirt. I could have worn that red sequined Monsoon top that I re-discovered exclaiming "WOW"! It had been forgotten, only ever worn the once when I discovered a thread of sequins required replacement. I think I wore it to a Hallowe'en masked ball some 17 years ago, or maybe I bought it because it was fabulous at the time and still is!... ... ... and another wow, I found art prints from that evening, needing as ever, to be framed! So many memories have been opened in the last week that have made me laugh and tell a story to my Workawayers from California who commented that if only they have such memories and identity when they are my age then they will have known that they have lived!
Sex Pistols played 'Anarchy in The UK' and The Clash played 'London Calling' whilst almost 40 yr olds and some over 50s and moi 65 danced in smoke machine mist...whilst kids galore laughed and danced in the cloud. It was wonderfully warm for an al fresco bonfire party and fireworks. Evidently Surrey was the warmest place on record in England for October 31st - 22.5 Celsius at about 4pm time!
Cinderella disguised as The Red Witch made it home before the pumpkin arrived and she didn't lose a slipper, malheureusement! English jacket potatoes finished in the bonfire
embers plus grated cheddar and baked beans was soooooo good! There were English sausages plus mulled wine... called
vin chaud en France! Toffee apples, ghostly cakes, skeletons, bats, cats, and ugly, scary faces made it all fantastic. Great Party. Great friends!
Tuesday 9 September 2014
Sunday 1 June 2014
Silly old bag!
Who me?
This is 32 or 42 years old...resurfaced when relinquished...OMG.. memory lane!
I wanted to release it again, as it is worse for wear and not been used in over four years...
then history seemed to require a photo...
It was bought in 1982 or maybe even in 1972 or between those ten years for carrying teaching resources and lesson plans for in those far off heady days, when I travelled to work on the bus and later in the car.
It was before the days of sporting a heavy computer bag with a heavier Sony laptop... and before the days when any class computer was allowed to travel between home and school! Data Protection wasn't an issue on any of the binary formats as far as I recall!
What a laugh LIFE is when one reflects ... and how so very glad I am not to be a teacher anymore despite the totally committed one that I was !
This is 32 or 42 years old...resurfaced when relinquished...OMG.. memory lane!
I wanted to release it again, as it is worse for wear and not been used in over four years...
then history seemed to require a photo...
It was before the days of sporting a heavy computer bag with a heavier Sony laptop... and before the days when any class computer was allowed to travel between home and school! Data Protection wasn't an issue on any of the binary formats as far as I recall!
What a laugh LIFE is when one reflects ... and how so very glad I am not to be a teacher anymore despite the totally committed one that I was !
Tuesday 27 May 2014
Less than a month to Midsummer
and I wore shorts to mow the lawn with two lawnmowers... one electric and the other petrol... each have different wear and tear upon my arms! BUT hey ho it was done before a clear and Starry Van Gogh night!
Sunday 25 May 2014
Purpose
A Sense of Meaningful Purpose, however temporary, is important because it helps us to feel that whatever we are doing is of value. It helps us to to not feel self-abandoned or abandoned by others. It prevents a feeling of loss and being lost. It helps us to feel in control of destiny!
Does 'not settling down' with someone mean we don't have purpose?
I can find Purpose without living with A.N. OTHER.
Keeping busy is a strategy for maintaining PURPOSE.
Helping others is a strategy too. We are social creatures who need other human beings.
We might look after our health, or work productively... but being a workaholic might mean we are avoiding Purpose!
Projects and Passions with intended actions and decision making supports Purpose.
I've read that retreating into a fantasy world or a dream-like state means that Purpose is not being met! I've read that underlying issues, such as feeling inadequate or feeling low self-esteem may prevent a sense of Purpose so that one looks in others for what one cannot find and support in Self.
Does 'not settling down' with someone mean we don't have purpose?
I can find Purpose without living with A.N. OTHER.
Keeping busy is a strategy for maintaining PURPOSE.
Helping others is a strategy too. We are social creatures who need other human beings.
We might look after our health, or work productively... but being a workaholic might mean we are avoiding Purpose!
Projects and Passions with intended actions and decision making supports Purpose.
I've read that retreating into a fantasy world or a dream-like state means that Purpose is not being met! I've read that underlying issues, such as feeling inadequate or feeling low self-esteem may prevent a sense of Purpose so that one looks in others for what one cannot find and support in Self.
Thursday 22 May 2014
Does LIFE have to be so complicated?
Post published 22 May but EDITED with clearer thinking 24 May
Four relationships / friendships
1. I was recently described as a heart breaker because I will not, cannot, don't want to meet that person's desires, though clearly there was an attraction on both sides almost a year ago and yet we have only written to each other. He asked whether my life has to be currently so complicated. The answer to that, is, that my life is what it is now, for whatever reason. Anyway, I definitely think that living in a camper van is not a simple life having experienced it elsewhere for ten days, and although it was fun and enjoyable I need space to move around, to be able to share and do, and to be free!
I know I could travel nomadically because I have circus ancestry and indeed I used to travel between Ireland and England with my young children and for weekends to the local fairs, where we slept in tents. It was the hippie thing to do and a precursor to Music festivals.
Simplicity has always seemed to elude me!
Ah.. there are times when everything slots into place!
What I would like is to share my life with a person or people who like moving on, but who also like stopping to be still. I have friends in the village who are like that! My cousin is like that!
2. I was recently told that I am provocative and yes, I am. I like that! I wish to talk, write, enquire, seek, research, explore, identify, learn and enjoy his company and that of others ... OK, so I know I have difficulty letting go! He did too! He was a valuable friend and I although I wanted that friendship to continue, it couldn't be! It had altered.
People are not a commodity to be wasted but it is true that we should seek those who feed our souls and who do not drain us! He never drained me but most certainly there was excitement, exhilarating moments and bliss. I am saddened.
ALL THAT BRINGS ME TO THE THOUGHTS:
When does the 'moving on' from one friendship / relationship happen ... should it? Moving on can surely mean different things rather than absolute closure.
Each person we meet can teach us many things and hopefully we can show them new learning. I suppose that when someone does not meet our needs of what WE want to do, then that is when we or they, move on!
That's then when heartbreak may happen, especially if there hasn't been communication as witnessed in the last four to ten years of my life with number 4... who won't talk about the PAST in order to be in the NOW and in the FUTURE, even if that means we have to be apart. I just think it would help to form a closure... but closure wouldn't have to mean we don't see each other anymore!
It would just mean that that Scene in the Act of the Drama would be ended and another Scene would be enacted.
Maybe there has been sufficient communication of explanation but I just haven't remembered and going back over the past with whys, wherefores and facts seen from a new perspective of the now isn't what he wants to do. I have to let go of the story... and find new energies to challenge the mind!
I am willing to address the pain to heal the wound .. but when the significant other from the past who keeps returning into my life won't do that, it's like hitting one's head on a brick wall. The wall doesn't move, one's head gets sore, the pain doesn't budge! There isn't a lot of laughter to lighten the load!
3. I was recently told that I am refreshing and the distant friendship appears to be without judgement.
That's simple! The fact that we were flat mates with my husband in three different places over between 40 and 44 years ago is strange...so we see the faces we were and and the faces we are now... we are different yet nothing much has changed! He is supportive. I love the artistic thinking... we got on well without expectation, drama, story, histrionics... it was normality..no highs and lows... we created a potato growing patch out of a huge mountain of soil!
4. I was recently told by the person who thought he knew me inside out, that I have developed a habit of making a choice / decision then changing it almost immediately. I think that it is my prerogative! I am woman! However, it's not a new phenomenon... I take my time to alter the choice because it is who I am and if I make a wrong choice I can make another choice and when I have made the right choice I can make other choices!
There we are...
I have thought about all this and recently tried to shun all four!
LIFE is what it is... currently hectic... not boring... but when Friend of 18 years and actually known for 40 years.. goes travelling on his real life journey, even now I have to remind myself constantly that it will not be the end... that this part of the movie may have ended but another part will have begun.
The years available are reducing and I am TRULY determined to make the most of them... but fitting in with people who one likes and wishes to spend time with is tricky because they all have their own movies to live within.
And so it is best if I do what I want to do and if they don't like my NO, then hey ho!
I can only go with the flow, go with my own journey, keep moving or stand still occasionally and marvel at the roses and the butterflies.
Know that the butterfly exists because it existed as a caterpillar... changing, metamorphosing, moving all life until the colours fade.
I'm trying to keep the colours!
One door will close and another will open.
Although FRIENDSHIP itself is multi-faceted the former partner and continuing Friend will at some point in the future return for his stuff or send for it or I will move it to another place but I certainly won't be carrying it with me!
Even psychological stuff has to be let go!
Anyway, I may or may not be here, and if I am, I may not be here in the same way as today!
And as for all and the new, if they want me in their life at any level they will have to let me know.
I open the window and look outside.
I close the window and look inside!
Now, the target is to simplify complications! Eric Clapton helps! Music helps!
Four relationships / friendships
1. I was recently described as a heart breaker because I will not, cannot, don't want to meet that person's desires, though clearly there was an attraction on both sides almost a year ago and yet we have only written to each other. He asked whether my life has to be currently so complicated. The answer to that, is, that my life is what it is now, for whatever reason. Anyway, I definitely think that living in a camper van is not a simple life having experienced it elsewhere for ten days, and although it was fun and enjoyable I need space to move around, to be able to share and do, and to be free!
I know I could travel nomadically because I have circus ancestry and indeed I used to travel between Ireland and England with my young children and for weekends to the local fairs, where we slept in tents. It was the hippie thing to do and a precursor to Music festivals.
Simplicity has always seemed to elude me!
Ah.. there are times when everything slots into place!
What I would like is to share my life with a person or people who like moving on, but who also like stopping to be still. I have friends in the village who are like that! My cousin is like that!
2. I was recently told that I am provocative and yes, I am. I like that! I wish to talk, write, enquire, seek, research, explore, identify, learn and enjoy his company and that of others ... OK, so I know I have difficulty letting go! He did too! He was a valuable friend and I although I wanted that friendship to continue, it couldn't be! It had altered.
People are not a commodity to be wasted but it is true that we should seek those who feed our souls and who do not drain us! He never drained me but most certainly there was excitement, exhilarating moments and bliss. I am saddened.
ALL THAT BRINGS ME TO THE THOUGHTS:
When does the 'moving on' from one friendship / relationship happen ... should it? Moving on can surely mean different things rather than absolute closure.
Each person we meet can teach us many things and hopefully we can show them new learning. I suppose that when someone does not meet our needs of what WE want to do, then that is when we or they, move on!
That's then when heartbreak may happen, especially if there hasn't been communication as witnessed in the last four to ten years of my life with number 4... who won't talk about the PAST in order to be in the NOW and in the FUTURE, even if that means we have to be apart. I just think it would help to form a closure... but closure wouldn't have to mean we don't see each other anymore!
It would just mean that that Scene in the Act of the Drama would be ended and another Scene would be enacted.
Maybe there has been sufficient communication of explanation but I just haven't remembered and going back over the past with whys, wherefores and facts seen from a new perspective of the now isn't what he wants to do. I have to let go of the story... and find new energies to challenge the mind!
I am willing to address the pain to heal the wound .. but when the significant other from the past who keeps returning into my life won't do that, it's like hitting one's head on a brick wall. The wall doesn't move, one's head gets sore, the pain doesn't budge! There isn't a lot of laughter to lighten the load!
3. I was recently told that I am refreshing and the distant friendship appears to be without judgement.
That's simple! The fact that we were flat mates with my husband in three different places over between 40 and 44 years ago is strange...so we see the faces we were and and the faces we are now... we are different yet nothing much has changed! He is supportive. I love the artistic thinking... we got on well without expectation, drama, story, histrionics... it was normality..no highs and lows... we created a potato growing patch out of a huge mountain of soil!
4. I was recently told by the person who thought he knew me inside out, that I have developed a habit of making a choice / decision then changing it almost immediately. I think that it is my prerogative! I am woman! However, it's not a new phenomenon... I take my time to alter the choice because it is who I am and if I make a wrong choice I can make another choice and when I have made the right choice I can make other choices!
There we are...
I have thought about all this and recently tried to shun all four!
LIFE is what it is... currently hectic... not boring... but when Friend of 18 years and actually known for 40 years.. goes travelling on his real life journey, even now I have to remind myself constantly that it will not be the end... that this part of the movie may have ended but another part will have begun.
The years available are reducing and I am TRULY determined to make the most of them... but fitting in with people who one likes and wishes to spend time with is tricky because they all have their own movies to live within.
And so it is best if I do what I want to do and if they don't like my NO, then hey ho!
I can only go with the flow, go with my own journey, keep moving or stand still occasionally and marvel at the roses and the butterflies.
Know that the butterfly exists because it existed as a caterpillar... changing, metamorphosing, moving all life until the colours fade.
I'm trying to keep the colours!
One door will close and another will open.
Although FRIENDSHIP itself is multi-faceted the former partner and continuing Friend will at some point in the future return for his stuff or send for it or I will move it to another place but I certainly won't be carrying it with me!
Even psychological stuff has to be let go!
Anyway, I may or may not be here, and if I am, I may not be here in the same way as today!
And as for all and the new, if they want me in their life at any level they will have to let me know.
I open the window and look outside.
I close the window and look inside!
Now, the target is to simplify complications! Eric Clapton helps! Music helps!
Monday 19 May 2014
Harmony
The Louisa Hay 'positive statement' card says:
I cannot change another person.
I let others be who they are, and simply love who I am.
and on the reverse side:
I get the help I need, when I need it, from various sources.
My support system is strong and loving.
I cannot change another person.
I let others be who they are, and simply love who I am.
and on the reverse side:
I get the help I need, when I need it, from various sources.
My support system is strong and loving.
Sunday 11 May 2014
Letting go ... of Lovers ... and Lives...
There are places I remember all my life
Though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain
Though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
Of lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I loved them all
Of lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I loved them all
And with all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these mem'ries lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
There is no one compares with you
And these mem'ries lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
And I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I loved you more
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I loved you more
And I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I loved you more
In my life I loved you more
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I loved you more
In my life I loved you more
Songwriters: Paul Mc Cartney; John Lennon
Thursday 8 May 2014
Weighing scales but not for cookery
A week ago I was feeling self-assured, confident and strong.
Today, reading that sentence, not knowing what I am going to write in the next sentences, I am surprised that when I ask "Is that true?", I recognize that those sentiments still actually exist, despite wobbles around self-esteem, confidence, inner strengths and weaknesses.
Gosh!
When one is in balance I suppose that is a form of neutrality and would indicate a balanced, grounded, adult! Perhaps it is acceptable to be on either side of the scales which weigh up the personality, oscillating a margin back and forth just a tad! ! It's when either side become too heavy or too light, when one is too depressed or too high that one worries for sanity!
So, I can see that despite decisions made ... or trying to be made about loved ones who are in my family and not in my family, for the sake of my self-preservation, perhaps I can actually say that I AM OK. Another Gosh! Another Revelation! Maybe when one is truly free then one can love and be loved without debt, obligation, expectation, emotion, using anyone and being used .... I am flapping my wings!!!!
One could ask, and I do ask myself, why don't I write this personal kind of stuff in a journal? Well, sometimes I do... and there are some heavy tomes... but here, I can edit as I write without too many crossings out or wildly, elaborately long sentences. However, typing and handwriting cause the brain to process expression differently. The brush for the painter, the clay for the potter do the same... I must... I must... I hear myself think!
[The dog is howling in my back garden. It can be heard through a 60cm stone wall without any windows which abuts my neighbour's garden where the soil is one metre above the floor of my room. It's before 9am! Does that mean loud music that occasionally is played to boost my mood can be heard in their back garden? Oh dear! I must be more respectful! The neighbours used to live abroad!]
Now I must attempt to get control back of and for my life... which I recently abandoned for helping someone clear, clean and move house when I never knew the extent that my assistance and expertise as a cleaner and de-clutterer * would be required! Whilst DOING.... as my aunt used to speak of housework... old wounds within have surfaced but new perspectives and vocabulary have entered my brain to be mostly unaffected by them!
Recent research on 'the psychology of self-abandonment' has been on-going for several weeks. I recognise a pattern developed in childhood and which now I am beginning to be conscious of! Wow, progress for THAT is without having a counsellor. I am deeply saddened that she has leukemia.
Mortality and the need to keep a zest for life increases as we get older. It gets scarier as I hear and see suffering. I am deeply sensitive though know that it is not always evident in my behaviour. Get active, girl! There is no time to waste! Look at the balance every moment of every day!
[The dog must have gone in as the howling has stopped! Oh Good!]
[* I am a poor de-clutterer so it is a learning experience on HOW TO DO IT!!!]
Today, reading that sentence, not knowing what I am going to write in the next sentences, I am surprised that when I ask "Is that true?", I recognize that those sentiments still actually exist, despite wobbles around self-esteem, confidence, inner strengths and weaknesses.
Gosh!
When one is in balance I suppose that is a form of neutrality and would indicate a balanced, grounded, adult! Perhaps it is acceptable to be on either side of the scales which weigh up the personality, oscillating a margin back and forth just a tad! ! It's when either side become too heavy or too light, when one is too depressed or too high that one worries for sanity!
So, I can see that despite decisions made ... or trying to be made about loved ones who are in my family and not in my family, for the sake of my self-preservation, perhaps I can actually say that I AM OK. Another Gosh! Another Revelation! Maybe when one is truly free then one can love and be loved without debt, obligation, expectation, emotion, using anyone and being used .... I am flapping my wings!!!!
One could ask, and I do ask myself, why don't I write this personal kind of stuff in a journal? Well, sometimes I do... and there are some heavy tomes... but here, I can edit as I write without too many crossings out or wildly, elaborately long sentences. However, typing and handwriting cause the brain to process expression differently. The brush for the painter, the clay for the potter do the same... I must... I must... I hear myself think!
[The dog is howling in my back garden. It can be heard through a 60cm stone wall without any windows which abuts my neighbour's garden where the soil is one metre above the floor of my room. It's before 9am! Does that mean loud music that occasionally is played to boost my mood can be heard in their back garden? Oh dear! I must be more respectful! The neighbours used to live abroad!]
Now I must attempt to get control back of and for my life... which I recently abandoned for helping someone clear, clean and move house when I never knew the extent that my assistance and expertise as a cleaner and de-clutterer * would be required! Whilst DOING.... as my aunt used to speak of housework... old wounds within have surfaced but new perspectives and vocabulary have entered my brain to be mostly unaffected by them!
Recent research on 'the psychology of self-abandonment' has been on-going for several weeks. I recognise a pattern developed in childhood and which now I am beginning to be conscious of! Wow, progress for THAT is without having a counsellor. I am deeply saddened that she has leukemia.
Mortality and the need to keep a zest for life increases as we get older. It gets scarier as I hear and see suffering. I am deeply sensitive though know that it is not always evident in my behaviour. Get active, girl! There is no time to waste! Look at the balance every moment of every day!
[The dog must have gone in as the howling has stopped! Oh Good!]
[* I am a poor de-clutterer so it is a learning experience on HOW TO DO IT!!!]
Monday 21 April 2014
Numbed not numbered although days are!
My brain is feeling numbed but it is probably exhaustion after five weeks of constantly being on the move, with variable sleep patterns. The sudden Activity and Responsibility after Days of Leisure...well they weren't without work ... is beginning to edge at Negativity but I am holding it at arm"s length.
I am reminded that when I had to move from England to France I spent six months looking at my stuff, weeping and wondering HOW to dispose of it usefully.....I was also in a state of shock and and bereavement on many counts, plus waiting for a major op, insecure, vulnerable and got at about things that were not of my making! Eventually, friends came and took music worth probably £100 apx or more to a Dorset Public School who never wrote and thanked me for it. My friend was furious at their lack of manners. Friends came and took stuff to the skip including every pay slip I had ever earned including my first job at Woolworth! Sadly I regret that!!!! Social History!!!! My daughter took valuable antique clothing etc to sell on eBay with a friend and the friend duped her!
Later, when I moved from there in France to here in France, it was easy peasy to decide what was mine to take, what was mine to leave and what was his to leave. My stuff and now some of his is ready for a team of helpers to declutter! It is true I don't have the energy levels to do it alone!
HE, 'my friend" is having the kind of wobble that I had from January to July 2005. Panic! which would perhaps explain why he wasn't so ahead of the sorting as I thought he would be. Panic of a different kind when one rids oneself of lock, stock and barrel wanting to disinherit most possessions! People do, do it! Well, we rid ourselves of each other and I know I'm still coming to terms with that but so grateful in many ways for being on my own.
I feel numbed by the viewing of a Car Boot Sale when twice I wandered around and could not see anything I wished to buy... but there were plenty of things that would have held my interest eighteen years ago, when I first became a Francophile! I don't want to collect anything else ... I want to dispose!
My own tat and that inherited on the basis that HE won't me get rid of it sensibly is beginning to impact...
I am reminded that when I had to move from England to France I spent six months looking at my stuff, weeping and wondering HOW to dispose of it usefully.....I was also in a state of shock and and bereavement on many counts, plus waiting for a major op, insecure, vulnerable and got at about things that were not of my making! Eventually, friends came and took music worth probably £100 apx or more to a Dorset Public School who never wrote and thanked me for it. My friend was furious at their lack of manners. Friends came and took stuff to the skip including every pay slip I had ever earned including my first job at Woolworth! Sadly I regret that!!!! Social History!!!! My daughter took valuable antique clothing etc to sell on eBay with a friend and the friend duped her!
Later, when I moved from there in France to here in France, it was easy peasy to decide what was mine to take, what was mine to leave and what was his to leave. My stuff and now some of his is ready for a team of helpers to declutter! It is true I don't have the energy levels to do it alone!
HE, 'my friend" is having the kind of wobble that I had from January to July 2005. Panic! which would perhaps explain why he wasn't so ahead of the sorting as I thought he would be. Panic of a different kind when one rids oneself of lock, stock and barrel wanting to disinherit most possessions! People do, do it! Well, we rid ourselves of each other and I know I'm still coming to terms with that but so grateful in many ways for being on my own.
I feel numbed by the viewing of a Car Boot Sale when twice I wandered around and could not see anything I wished to buy... but there were plenty of things that would have held my interest eighteen years ago, when I first became a Francophile! I don't want to collect anything else ... I want to dispose!
My own tat and that inherited on the basis that HE won't me get rid of it sensibly is beginning to impact...
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