Weighing scales but not for cookery

A week ago I was feeling self-assured, confident and strong.

Today, reading that sentence, not knowing what I am going to write in the next sentences, I am surprised that when I ask "Is that true?",  I recognize that those sentiments still actually exist, despite wobbles around self-esteem, confidence, inner strengths and weaknesses.
Gosh!
When one is in balance I suppose that is a form of neutrality and would indicate a balanced, grounded, adult! Perhaps it is acceptable to be on either side of the scales which weigh up the personality, oscillating a margin back and forth just a tad! !  It's when either side become too heavy or too light, when one is too depressed or too high that one worries for sanity!

So, I can see that despite decisions made ... or trying to be made about loved ones who are in my family and not in my family, for the sake of my self-preservation, perhaps I can actually say that I AM OK. Another Gosh! Another Revelation! Maybe when one is truly free then one can love and be loved without debt, obligation, expectation, emotion, using anyone and being used .... I am flapping my wings!!!!

One could ask, and I do ask myself, why don't I write this personal kind of stuff in a journal?  Well, sometimes I do... and there are some heavy tomes... but here, I can edit as I write without too many crossings out or wildly, elaborately long sentences. However, typing and handwriting cause the brain to process expression differently.  The brush for the painter, the clay for the potter do the same...  I must... I must... I hear myself think!

[The dog is howling in my back garden. It can be heard through a 60cm stone wall without any windows which abuts my neighbour's garden where the soil is one metre above the floor of my room. It's before 9am! Does that mean loud music that occasionally is played to boost my mood can be heard in their back garden?  Oh dear!  I  must be more respectful! The neighbours used to live abroad!]

Now I must attempt to get control back of and for my life...  which I recently abandoned for helping someone clear, clean and move house when I never knew the extent that my assistance and expertise as a cleaner and de-clutterer * would be required!  Whilst DOING.... as my aunt used to speak of housework... old wounds within have surfaced but new perspectives and vocabulary have entered my brain to be mostly unaffected by them!

Recent research on 'the psychology of self-abandonment' has been on-going for several weeks. I recognise a pattern developed in childhood and which now I am beginning to be conscious of! Wow, progress for THAT is without having a counsellor.  I am deeply saddened that she has leukemia.
 
Mortality and the need to keep a zest for life increases as we get older.   It gets scarier as I hear and see suffering.  I am deeply sensitive though know that it is not always evident in my behaviour.   Get active, girl! There is no time to waste! Look at the balance every moment of every day!

[The dog must have gone in as the howling has stopped! Oh Good!]
[*   I am a poor de-clutterer so it is a learning experience on HOW TO DO IT!!!]