This year, I did not wish to spend yet another birthday in
this house alone. Until 2010, my adult birthday day had always been
extra special, spent with others, enjoying gifts and cards. It is my
gift to my Self, as in Reality, I am not one to like to be spoiled in
that way on other days.
A year ago I wondered where to travel nearby, for MY BIRTHDAY ALONE, without breaking the bank and body. Last year with a physical walking problem, I hauled myself out of the house too late in the day to drive for almost two hours in my ageing vehicle to Chenonceaux Chateau, where I mainly sat to eat a beautiful 'late in France' lunch. I wandered in the chateau as I have seen it many times. This time in awe that I could cross the gallery over the bridge to the island. It was too much for me to walk in the gardens where I sat frequently until closing time.
The physical problems have continued unresolved for a year and more.
So... a TEST was necessary, that would exercise the groin pain. This year I WOULD go to Paris to do city walks. Last year, I was too late in becoming brave enough to book the adventure, by which time prices had soared. After repeated research I booked 4 nights Airbnb in Paris.
In ways unknown I have been energised even though my body feels weary!
My mantra became: "I am a river flowing...." or "I am a leaf floating on a river - drifting at different speeds, hoping not to get stuck or destroyed before I reach my destination". Of course, like me, the leaf is already in a state of decomposition. I am tempted to publish my poem about that concept from 11/2011, but dare not deviate.
I LEARNED & RE-LEARNED to:
1. Gain confidence with each step of achievement.
2. Control rising panic.
3. Ask friends for advice on what to do and how to do it.
4. Find accommodation. Cancel accommodation. Book better accommodation. My friend says I deserve it. Yes I do! It was a really good Airbnb for bed, location and privacy.
5a. Book train ticket - I'd already checked out how to do it and which TGV to catch.
5b. Check station and what to do.
5c. Check what to do for car parking for five days and cost. I didnt wish to poark for free several streets away.
6. Research what to do in Paris. Last year I'd bought a smaller than A3 sized book which unfolds for each arrondissement describing monuments, restaurants, markets, shops etc. At Montparnasse my first step was to the newsagents in the station. I found a good book map for walking - pages split into arrondissements with GRID numbered squares. It took three days to understood how the logic of how the pages inter related! Eureka! The large plastified map was not so useful as it did not easily fold; it was referenced a few times. Good for planning the next trip!
7. Start a TRAVEL journal... glue / write all details of where to stay and other information. Use it to write in.... (I hardly had any time to write!) The TRAVEL Journal can contain the next trip info.
8. Packing nightmare. What is the least I can travel with being not a minimalist when I go anywhere|! What to wear? Weather? Feet issues mean shoes need to be changed during the day. The sandals, not feet, need deodorant in this heat. Talcum powder decanted into a small plastic supplement container was used every day to refresh the feet.
9. Start to gather what I need... REJECT more than half over the next few days. Rejected more the night before. In the morning, screamed at the packing that I hate my clothes and lectured myself for behaving like a child. Told myself this will not do as I have packed at least 5 times and decided I don't like my bags. Told myself I can do it and will do it.
10. A few days before I travelled I ordered a new crossbody handbag, a BAGGALINI, which arrived in two days! It was an excellent travel bag and I even began to like the many pockets - GOOD for memory! Money here .. passport there... I know I should split valuables but it was better to have one place and have my hand tight on it at all times.
11. In a panic not to be late but already later than my intention, I drove anxiously to the train station, where, despite knowing what to do I tried to enter two bank cards in the machine to obtain a ticket to open the barrier, pressed button for HELP. A French voice told me all I had to do was press the green button. I pay on exit! I knew that... Silly me! Fortunately, I was 20 minutes in time to sit and study people travelling. What bags did they carry? What shoes and clothing did they wear? Where were they going? Some of course were working! People very clean and tidy, chic and sophisticated, even with huge travel bags!
12. Discover train seat numbering - sit - relax - I can do it - Here we go!!!!!!!!!!
Two hours to Paris.
BREATHER: Thank goodness the school contingent were well behaved, because on the homeward journey they were loud and naughty, smashing empty plastic bottles in the folding hinged tables.
Tuesday 16 July 2019
Monday 15 July 2019
Mess to clear and clean
On my return, I had three hours to clear a mad packing frenzy mess, created by me and only me, where I did a big reject at the last minute packing moment. As well as that mess,, I had to prep the courtyard for dining, as well as clean my house. It was clean when I left it! Oh, where did all those weeds come from in one week?
I was ready by some miracle having secreted some things waiting to be tidied.
Three were bringing lunch. I was to provide cheeses and dessert. Then I had an idea for a surprise afternoon extra, but did not have time to get to the village shop.
I had to move the car, then agreed to look at a vide-grenier about 20 metres from my house. The centenarian, now in a home with his wife as a couple, had a vast barn full of 100 year old and more planks of old wood, and many interesting items gathering dust from another life.
Lunch was spinach and salmon quiche, couscous and salade. Morbier was the cheese course and cafe gourmand the dessert.
We started with Cremant de Loire bubbly and moved to Pinot Grigio sparkling.
We set off for the village fete. I lost the girls several times, then her husband didn't seem to be with them, but at the Chevrolets, they all disappeared.
I kept meeting people I knew.....long story for another time maybe.....
Eventually, waylaid at the deceased artist's house, I realised they might have gone home, me not knowing the time. Ah, there they are. Just arrived.
Fortunately, whilst in the process of searching for them, I sourced ingredients from the village shop (a tub of icecream 6e +) and from the bakery, meringues ( not their own 2e+) . On reflection maybe it was a reasonable price. I am really out of touch with prices which seem to be soaring.
The packet of supermarket frozen berries were thawing.
The surprise for me guests was Mint tea from my garden with ETON MESS, which went down a dream. I used my beautiful HABITAT glass bowls.
Too soon after long fun tales of their GR70 trail they were on their way home for the evening.
We talked a little about my city walk but there isn't much for me to tell seasoned Parisian visitors, although I am sure there are sufficient enough tales in history for a century of conversation. It was my learning experience of wandering and meeting whatever occurred before me.
Joy in giving and receiving.
It is so lovely to have vibrant friends.
It was a really happy day for me.
And now a lot of MESS for the dishwasher!
I was ready by some miracle having secreted some things waiting to be tidied.
Three were bringing lunch. I was to provide cheeses and dessert. Then I had an idea for a surprise afternoon extra, but did not have time to get to the village shop.
I had to move the car, then agreed to look at a vide-grenier about 20 metres from my house. The centenarian, now in a home with his wife as a couple, had a vast barn full of 100 year old and more planks of old wood, and many interesting items gathering dust from another life.
Lunch was spinach and salmon quiche, couscous and salade. Morbier was the cheese course and cafe gourmand the dessert.
We set off for the village fete. I lost the girls several times, then her husband didn't seem to be with them, but at the Chevrolets, they all disappeared.
I kept meeting people I knew.....long story for another time maybe.....
Eventually, waylaid at the deceased artist's house, I realised they might have gone home, me not knowing the time. Ah, there they are. Just arrived.
Fortunately, whilst in the process of searching for them, I sourced ingredients from the village shop (a tub of icecream 6e +) and from the bakery, meringues ( not their own 2e+) . On reflection maybe it was a reasonable price. I am really out of touch with prices which seem to be soaring.
The packet of supermarket frozen berries were thawing.
The surprise for me guests was Mint tea from my garden with ETON MESS, which went down a dream. I used my beautiful HABITAT glass bowls.
We talked a little about my city walk but there isn't much for me to tell seasoned Parisian visitors, although I am sure there are sufficient enough tales in history for a century of conversation. It was my learning experience of wandering and meeting whatever occurred before me.
Joy in giving and receiving.
It is so lovely to have vibrant friends.
It was a really happy day for me.
And now a lot of MESS for the dishwasher!
Sunday 7 July 2019
only in France...unexpectedly something delightful happens
Intense heat of the canicule continues.
The doorbell ... bell at the gate ... tinkles at 5pm.
Fortunately, I was dressed in better clothes. Unusually in white - feeling cool and relaxed after an anxious day. Never liking the clothes I have and uncertain of image, I had been trying on summer clothes not worn even last summer.
"Les choses pour les valises". How little could I take?
My usual style is to throw all options into the bag and vehicle.
But this time I must choose only what I can carry.
It has been a long while since I experienced BIG CITY life in a Summer.
I intend to walk to test the GROIN PAIN.
To stem the still small voice of quiet I've been playing music .... started with George, Neil and now more blues. I need a better sound system! I transgress.
Wow... it is the tall elegant man who with his beautiful tall lady started my venture into hospitality. He is alone today with his lovely dog.
They've bought a French dream of a 'pas habitable property' not far from here.
One of his first questions was 'how was business?' He perceived a demise in the village - He spoke of fools who close a village shop for two weeks in June - such fools to close restaurants.
I feel hugely lifted in my spirits at the kindness of beautiful people.
They had sometimes passed, but often, too late in the evening!
So now it happened. I am grateful that people remember me.
This couple were my first accidental bnb couple.
( I remember being in a Spanish village with my son and we arrived at about 9 in the evening to a heaving village. No room at the inn. The kindness of the hotelier who disappeared for some while and found us accommodation! We followed to an upper level. the noise was horrendous. I had to sleeo with my sons' stinky feet. He was oblivious to the partying in the village. I was grateful for a bed!)
I was so nervous at bringing people into my house. Since then I have met wonderful genuine, kind people, great friends in passing, as well as a few who do not get me and it, about my style of serving hospitality to people.
I would never have had this opportunity in UK.
Times have changed . I always said I would have got lodgers if I hadnt come to France... Then Airbnb was almost about to hit the SCENE but I never knew that!
Now I am more relaxed but ever cautious.
His dog was a bouncy hairy Schnauzer, who actually obeyed my voice.
A playful puppy, regal and elegant, like his owners.
I can understand my mother liking them... (as long as they don't get thick set in the haunches! )
Maybe I should get that Saluki or Borzoi if it could be such a good friend and company BUT dogs are smelly!
I would love another cat but no not yet.
Adventures must be available for me to go to travelling a little!
The doorbell ... bell at the gate ... tinkles at 5pm.
Fortunately, I was dressed in better clothes. Unusually in white - feeling cool and relaxed after an anxious day. Never liking the clothes I have and uncertain of image, I had been trying on summer clothes not worn even last summer.
"Les choses pour les valises". How little could I take?
My usual style is to throw all options into the bag and vehicle.
But this time I must choose only what I can carry.
It has been a long while since I experienced BIG CITY life in a Summer.
I intend to walk to test the GROIN PAIN.
To stem the still small voice of quiet I've been playing music .... started with George, Neil and now more blues. I need a better sound system! I transgress.
Wow... it is the tall elegant man who with his beautiful tall lady started my venture into hospitality. He is alone today with his lovely dog.
They've bought a French dream of a 'pas habitable property' not far from here.
One of his first questions was 'how was business?' He perceived a demise in the village - He spoke of fools who close a village shop for two weeks in June - such fools to close restaurants.
I feel hugely lifted in my spirits at the kindness of beautiful people.
They had sometimes passed, but often, too late in the evening!
So now it happened. I am grateful that people remember me.
This couple were my first accidental bnb couple.
( I remember being in a Spanish village with my son and we arrived at about 9 in the evening to a heaving village. No room at the inn. The kindness of the hotelier who disappeared for some while and found us accommodation! We followed to an upper level. the noise was horrendous. I had to sleeo with my sons' stinky feet. He was oblivious to the partying in the village. I was grateful for a bed!)
I was so nervous at bringing people into my house. Since then I have met wonderful genuine, kind people, great friends in passing, as well as a few who do not get me and it, about my style of serving hospitality to people.
I would never have had this opportunity in UK.
Times have changed . I always said I would have got lodgers if I hadnt come to France... Then Airbnb was almost about to hit the SCENE but I never knew that!
Now I am more relaxed but ever cautious.
His dog was a bouncy hairy Schnauzer, who actually obeyed my voice.
A playful puppy, regal and elegant, like his owners.
I can understand my mother liking them... (as long as they don't get thick set in the haunches! )
Maybe I should get that Saluki or Borzoi if it could be such a good friend and company BUT dogs are smelly!
I would love another cat but no not yet.
Adventures must be available for me to go to travelling a little!
An affront
I'd had only one beer and 7 hours earlier a glass of wine with food.
I witnessed a man grabbing at the blouse of a woman and causing a reveal.
My pride and much more for humanity and women was hurt.
It was a small thing in the grand scheme of LIFE.
My prudishness sat and considered, whilst an alcoholic fuelled drama occurred around me.
"Me TOO"
I wanted to call out.
Call out disrespectful behaviour.
What did I feel?
Uncomfortable.
Is this adult behaviour?
Yes and No.
Tame in the real world?
Yes.
Are these people you wish to acquaint with?
No.
Saddened that the culture of the day has waned away to bawdy, tawdry, loud, raucous, peasantry stuff.
How do you feel?
Don't wish to stay in the social scene.
Do you wish to leave?
Yes... is it silly to leave?
No.
You have a choice. You wanted to leave some time ago, were persuaded by others to stay, so now the truth about the first inclination is revealed. Always follow your gut!
Yes.
I shall say something confrontational if I do not leave.
Yes.
(stand ... sit down ... wait seconds... stand.. sidle towards the exit)
Excuse me .. I am going home now.
(everyone stops and turns to say "don't leave")
Someone asks am I afraid?
No. No. There is nothing to be afraid of.
(takes steps to leave... turns...returns)
I have a right to leave.
They agreed.
I do.
They were subdued.
I suppose my soul was shocked.
I felt inwardly personally betrayed.
When one plays frivolous games that some men and women can play, then there is an awareness,
but when one sees it happening to someone else and sees it is unwanted... it is not fun.
My boundaries for social conduct had been violated.
No one has the right to ask women personal questions in public about their attire.
He was told that earlier on.
He was told that there are certain questions you do not ask women in public.
He agreed.
No mature adult would surely make suggestive sexual vocalisations in public.
He does very often ..
It isn't funny any more.
People should be ashamed of being lured into the game.
I am
The game is ended.
I have never in my life seen this sort of thing happen, when it was not welcomed.
I wish to be with adults not children in adult bodies.
DISTURBED.
Yes it has disturbed my soul.
Troubled the soul.
I witnessed a man grabbing at the blouse of a woman and causing a reveal.
My pride and much more for humanity and women was hurt.
It was a small thing in the grand scheme of LIFE.
My prudishness sat and considered, whilst an alcoholic fuelled drama occurred around me.
"Me TOO"
I wanted to call out.
Call out disrespectful behaviour.
What did I feel?
Uncomfortable.
Is this adult behaviour?
Yes and No.
Tame in the real world?
Yes.
Are these people you wish to acquaint with?
No.
Saddened that the culture of the day has waned away to bawdy, tawdry, loud, raucous, peasantry stuff.
How do you feel?
Don't wish to stay in the social scene.
Do you wish to leave?
Yes... is it silly to leave?
No.
You have a choice. You wanted to leave some time ago, were persuaded by others to stay, so now the truth about the first inclination is revealed. Always follow your gut!
Yes.
I shall say something confrontational if I do not leave.
Yes.
(stand ... sit down ... wait seconds... stand.. sidle towards the exit)
Excuse me .. I am going home now.
(everyone stops and turns to say "don't leave")
Someone asks am I afraid?
No. No. There is nothing to be afraid of.
(takes steps to leave... turns...returns)
I have a right to leave.
They agreed.
I do.
They were subdued.
I suppose my soul was shocked.
I felt inwardly personally betrayed.
When one plays frivolous games that some men and women can play, then there is an awareness,
but when one sees it happening to someone else and sees it is unwanted... it is not fun.
My boundaries for social conduct had been violated.
No one has the right to ask women personal questions in public about their attire.
He was told that earlier on.
He was told that there are certain questions you do not ask women in public.
He agreed.
No mature adult would surely make suggestive sexual vocalisations in public.
He does very often ..
It isn't funny any more.
People should be ashamed of being lured into the game.
I am
The game is ended.
I have never in my life seen this sort of thing happen, when it was not welcomed.
I wish to be with adults not children in adult bodies.
DISTURBED.
Yes it has disturbed my soul.
Troubled the soul.
A troubled soul - she and I
If this blog were completely anonymous she would be able to write all that is in her head,
about certain persons who have been in her life, who seem to hang on a hanger in her wardrobe.
A troubled soul.. this description for myself arrived today.
There are:
Those who will never understand this lifestyle in not her own country.
Those who have never lived alone for any structured period of time.
Those who have never lived alone in France for any structured period of time.
Those who have lived alone but NOT in France and NOT in a different country or indeed in this particular touristic village of France.
Those who are not her.
There are those who do not understand her, but, there is no need.
Some tell her what to do and others do not.
Some influence, others do not.
Some have given up advising from the perimeter.
The following has haunted me all my life and affects how I think people understand me:
There are those who never heard her father yelling at her mother ...
who never felt her trauma fear that made her hide until a storm had passed.
who never saw her mother physically violated causing scars on her back which I never saw but heard about, whilst attempting to protect her firstborn with cerebral palsy, her two normal birthed girls and her business livelihood to keep us all afloat. Sometimes we were shut out of the house until debris had to be cleared. Her poor dear deranged father, mother, and family. It's really hard without a mother who was always there but never one to be talked to or who would talk about mother daughter things.
She feels she is a troubled soul today. BUT IT IS NOT ALWAYS THIS WAY.
Good things DO HAPPEN.
She has tried to integrate...thinks it isn't working because communication in French must go beyond words. Maybe it is just a slow process, like the man in Suffolk once said,
"You have to live here for 25 years before you are accepted", just as did a temporary neighbour, quite recently say,
"You have to live here for 20 years before your language is fluent".
When one feels one does not belong anywhere ,then one is adrift and needs an anchor.
A home and family was my vision but it's just little old me. The children have their own lives.
Troubled by childhood trauma that won't seem to let go though she has tried kicking it down the lane.
Troubled by that man she loved or thought she loved who caused deep wound PAIN.
A lovely man.
A troubled soul too.
She perceives his most recent typed rant, justified or not as a response to her written word, as there was and is no other form of communication over 19 months and more has been misjudged.
She is not always careful with typed word. Mild dyslexia of setting down thoughts needs to be worked at. She onfuses grammar and content. She knows she can be misinterpreted. She knows thoughts should not be set down in print and if they are, should be severely edited at a later date when MIND has had time to settle the anxious brain. Sometimes, she needs to express: be heard whist trying hard not to judge her neighbour but to judge herself. She knows she should not reveal herself but she does!
Today she thinks again in disbelief how close they were when they were fulfilled in love.
Looking back, she feels used and abused.
Victim mentality. That is the hardest pain.
The pain of something beautiful destroyed has taken away opportunity.
However the opposite is it has given rise to other opportunities.
Turn it around.
She is not abused. She is noit a victim.
She has been given a gift of Life to open the door and windows mentioned in the Header of this Blog. Stop letting negativity win.
She poured out her soul. The troubled soul that his yelling at her made her freeze on alert for the monthly storm of her father. A wound does not heal if it is constantly opened.
When she once told him that it made her afraid of him ... that it was like her father yelling ... he just stared and blinked his wide-open blue-grey eyes, mouth agape almost. Surprising for him, as usually a very tight lipped person until the YELL or SHOUT came OUT without warning to last maybe a second or minute, hour, week and sometimes month or months, harboured, without reference, without remorse, without apology, without reason, without excuse and sometimes combined with silence for as long!
The victim of the SHOUT is a startled rabbit ready to run, to hide, to escape, to get away from pain to come. No wonder adrenal glands feel shot! They control fear, flight and freeze: she never knew the last until recently. Freeze is what has been a disability all her life when intimidated. It interrupts the breathing pattern. Messes up the body support system.
Sing, dance, play music, be practically creative and the Frozen state melts.
One should not brush a SHOUT under the carpet for it to gather dust and lie dormant for it will sneak out when least expected.
It needs to be swept up and challenged as to WHY it is happening from that person.
I know.
I was a SHOUT when a condition / illness and my own non understanding of what was happening inside me, could not keep pretending she was OK.
Today ~ I don't wish to go out on my own or be with others, but to be in Nature under a tree would be a nice thing to do. There are trees at the other land. I should try with a rug and a book, a pillow and a picnic. Today, and for some time, I am lazy with procrastination in the Summer wall of heat.
Today I am chastised for being me.
Am I but my own obligation?
I called to talk, not to unload, but to have a sense of normality, increasingly difficult when conversational interchange does not flow.
The heat of days could be an excuse... it is probably cooler to be out in a breeze.
I didn't want to go to a car boot sale, a restaurant or bar or drive an ailing vehicle without climatisation and windows that open to escape from me.
Despite two hours mid afternoon sleep I am really tired. I think the reason is it can arise from insufficient exercise, stimulation. One could say I am bored but I have enough to do.
Things can change in a moment without notice to change a troubled soul.
I am about to have an adventure and a little nervous.
This thought brings a smile to counter tears today.
We don't cry every minute of every day like we did when completely abandoned in France with a house around my neck, to renovate and live alone.
There is always a lesson why Life is as it is or isn't.
A troubled soul....signifies to listen to the lesson and turn it around.
I mostly understand myself.
Sometimes she is overwhelming to others and herself...
all that she needs to do is overwhelming,..
she doesn't have stamina, energy or motivation to do all of it
but she keeps the rooms as tidy as she can,
clears up untidiness that she alone can make quite easily.
Tries to keep ORDER.
Something seems to have died...
Something will grow again.
Something will live.
The troubled soul will allow itself to be healed.
Recognition is always the first step in a process.
The troubled soul would like to write a letter to her mother at least but she is not here to read it.
She thinks she has words enough for a boring book, but doesnt know how to do it.
People would not wish to listen, let alone hear or read.
Probably a load of personal trivia as in this blog.
I CARE to have my DREAMS, my reveries.
This next adventure must be a spring board for the settling of the soul....
about certain persons who have been in her life, who seem to hang on a hanger in her wardrobe.
A troubled soul.. this description for myself arrived today.
There are:
Those who will never understand this lifestyle in not her own country.
Those who have never lived alone for any structured period of time.
Those who have never lived alone in France for any structured period of time.
Those who have lived alone but NOT in France and NOT in a different country or indeed in this particular touristic village of France.
Those who are not her.
There are those who do not understand her, but, there is no need.
Some tell her what to do and others do not.
Some influence, others do not.
Some have given up advising from the perimeter.
The following has haunted me all my life and affects how I think people understand me:
There are those who never heard her father yelling at her mother ...
who never felt her trauma fear that made her hide until a storm had passed.
who never saw her mother physically violated causing scars on her back which I never saw but heard about, whilst attempting to protect her firstborn with cerebral palsy, her two normal birthed girls and her business livelihood to keep us all afloat. Sometimes we were shut out of the house until debris had to be cleared. Her poor dear deranged father, mother, and family. It's really hard without a mother who was always there but never one to be talked to or who would talk about mother daughter things.
She feels she is a troubled soul today. BUT IT IS NOT ALWAYS THIS WAY.
Good things DO HAPPEN.
She has tried to integrate...thinks it isn't working because communication in French must go beyond words. Maybe it is just a slow process, like the man in Suffolk once said,
"You have to live here for 25 years before you are accepted", just as did a temporary neighbour, quite recently say,
"You have to live here for 20 years before your language is fluent".
When one feels one does not belong anywhere ,then one is adrift and needs an anchor.
A home and family was my vision but it's just little old me. The children have their own lives.
Troubled by childhood trauma that won't seem to let go though she has tried kicking it down the lane.
Troubled by that man she loved or thought she loved who caused deep wound PAIN.
A lovely man.
A troubled soul too.
She perceives his most recent typed rant, justified or not as a response to her written word, as there was and is no other form of communication over 19 months and more has been misjudged.
She is not always careful with typed word. Mild dyslexia of setting down thoughts needs to be worked at. She onfuses grammar and content. She knows she can be misinterpreted. She knows thoughts should not be set down in print and if they are, should be severely edited at a later date when MIND has had time to settle the anxious brain. Sometimes, she needs to express: be heard whist trying hard not to judge her neighbour but to judge herself. She knows she should not reveal herself but she does!
Today she thinks again in disbelief how close they were when they were fulfilled in love.
Looking back, she feels used and abused.
Victim mentality. That is the hardest pain.
The pain of something beautiful destroyed has taken away opportunity.
However the opposite is it has given rise to other opportunities.
Turn it around.
She is not abused. She is noit a victim.
She has been given a gift of Life to open the door and windows mentioned in the Header of this Blog. Stop letting negativity win.
She poured out her soul. The troubled soul that his yelling at her made her freeze on alert for the monthly storm of her father. A wound does not heal if it is constantly opened.
When she once told him that it made her afraid of him ... that it was like her father yelling ... he just stared and blinked his wide-open blue-grey eyes, mouth agape almost. Surprising for him, as usually a very tight lipped person until the YELL or SHOUT came OUT without warning to last maybe a second or minute, hour, week and sometimes month or months, harboured, without reference, without remorse, without apology, without reason, without excuse and sometimes combined with silence for as long!
The victim of the SHOUT is a startled rabbit ready to run, to hide, to escape, to get away from pain to come. No wonder adrenal glands feel shot! They control fear, flight and freeze: she never knew the last until recently. Freeze is what has been a disability all her life when intimidated. It interrupts the breathing pattern. Messes up the body support system.
Sing, dance, play music, be practically creative and the Frozen state melts.
One should not brush a SHOUT under the carpet for it to gather dust and lie dormant for it will sneak out when least expected.
It needs to be swept up and challenged as to WHY it is happening from that person.
I know.
I was a SHOUT when a condition / illness and my own non understanding of what was happening inside me, could not keep pretending she was OK.
Today ~ I don't wish to go out on my own or be with others, but to be in Nature under a tree would be a nice thing to do. There are trees at the other land. I should try with a rug and a book, a pillow and a picnic. Today, and for some time, I am lazy with procrastination in the Summer wall of heat.
Today I am chastised for being me.
Am I but my own obligation?
I called to talk, not to unload, but to have a sense of normality, increasingly difficult when conversational interchange does not flow.
The heat of days could be an excuse... it is probably cooler to be out in a breeze.
I didn't want to go to a car boot sale, a restaurant or bar or drive an ailing vehicle without climatisation and windows that open to escape from me.
Despite two hours mid afternoon sleep I am really tired. I think the reason is it can arise from insufficient exercise, stimulation. One could say I am bored but I have enough to do.
Things can change in a moment without notice to change a troubled soul.
I am about to have an adventure and a little nervous.
This thought brings a smile to counter tears today.
We don't cry every minute of every day like we did when completely abandoned in France with a house around my neck, to renovate and live alone.
There is always a lesson why Life is as it is or isn't.
A troubled soul....signifies to listen to the lesson and turn it around.
I mostly understand myself.
Sometimes she is overwhelming to others and herself...
all that she needs to do is overwhelming,..
she doesn't have stamina, energy or motivation to do all of it
but she keeps the rooms as tidy as she can,
clears up untidiness that she alone can make quite easily.
Tries to keep ORDER.
Something seems to have died...
Something will grow again.
Something will live.
The troubled soul will allow itself to be healed.
Recognition is always the first step in a process.
The troubled soul would like to write a letter to her mother at least but she is not here to read it.
She thinks she has words enough for a boring book, but doesnt know how to do it.
People would not wish to listen, let alone hear or read.
Probably a load of personal trivia as in this blog.
I CARE to have my DREAMS, my reveries.
This next adventure must be a spring board for the settling of the soul....
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