Does LIFE have to be so complicated?

Post published 22 May but EDITED with clearer thinking 24 May 

Four relationships / friendships

1. I was recently described as a heart breaker because I will not, cannot, don't want to meet that person's desires, though clearly there was an attraction on both sides almost a year ago and yet we have only written to each other.  He asked whether my life has to be currently so complicated. The answer to that, is, that my life is what it is now, for whatever reason. Anyway, I definitely think that living in a camper van is not a simple life having experienced it elsewhere for ten days, and although it was fun and enjoyable I need space to move around, to be able to share and do, and to be free!
I know I could travel nomadically because I have circus ancestry and indeed I used  to travel between Ireland and England with my young children and for weekends to the local fairs, where we slept in tents. It was the hippie thing to do and a precursor to Music festivals.
Simplicity has always seemed to elude me!
Ah.. there are times when everything slots into place!
What I would like is to share my life with a person or people who like moving on, but who also like stopping to be still.   I have friends in the village who are like that!  My cousin is like that!

2. I was recently told that I am provocative and yes, I am.  I like that!  I wish to talk, write, enquire, seek, research, explore, identify, learn and enjoy his company and that of others ... OK, so I know I have difficulty letting go!  He did too!  He was a valuable friend and I although I wanted that friendship to continue, it couldn't be! It had altered.
People are not a commodity to be wasted but it is true that we should seek those who feed our souls and who do not drain us! He never drained me but most certainly there was excitement, exhilarating moments and bliss. I am saddened.

ALL THAT BRINGS ME TO THE THOUGHTS:
When does the 'moving on' from one friendship / relationship happen ... should it? Moving on can surely mean different things rather than absolute closure.
Each person we meet can teach us many things and hopefully we can show them new learning.  I suppose that when someone does not meet our needs of what WE want to do, then that is when we or they, move on!
That's then when heartbreak may happen, especially if there hasn't been communication as witnessed in the last four to ten years of my life with number 4... who won't talk about the PAST in order to be in the NOW and in the FUTURE, even if that means we have to be apart.  I just think it would help to form a closure... but closure wouldn't have to mean we don't see each other anymore!
It would just mean that that Scene in the Act of the Drama would be ended and another Scene would be enacted.
Maybe there has been sufficient communication of explanation but I just haven't remembered and going back over the past with whys, wherefores and facts seen from a new perspective of the now isn't what he wants to do. I have to let go of the story... and find new energies to challenge the mind!
I am willing to address the pain to heal the wound .. but when the significant other from the past who keeps returning into my life won't do that, it's like hitting one's head on a brick wall.  The wall doesn't move, one's head gets sore, the pain doesn't budge! There isn't a lot of laughter to lighten the load!

3. I was recently told that I am refreshing and the distant friendship appears to be without judgement.
That's simple! The fact that we were flat mates with my husband in three different places over between 40 and 44 years ago is strange...so we see the faces we were and and the faces we are now... we are different yet nothing much has changed!  He is supportive. I love the artistic thinking... we got on well without expectation, drama, story, histrionics... it was normality..no highs and lows... we created a potato growing patch out of a huge mountain of soil!

4. I was recently told by the person who thought he knew me inside out,  that I have developed a habit of making a choice / decision then changing it almost immediately.  I think that it is my prerogative! I am woman!  However, it's not a new phenomenon... I take my time to alter the choice because it is who I am and if I make a wrong choice I can make another choice and when I have made the right choice I can make other choices!

There we are...
I have thought about all this and recently tried to shun all four!

LIFE is what it is... currently hectic... not boring... but when Friend of 18 years and actually known for 40 years.. goes travelling on his real life journey, even now I have to remind myself constantly that it will not be the end... that this part of the movie may have ended but another part will have begun.

The years available are reducing and I am TRULY determined to make the most of them...  but fitting in with people who one likes and wishes to spend time with is tricky because they all have their own movies to live within.
And so it is best if I do what I want to do and if they don't like my NO, then hey ho!

I can only go with the flow, go with my own journey, keep moving or stand still occasionally and marvel at the roses and the butterflies.
Know that the butterfly exists because it existed as a caterpillar... changing, metamorphosing, moving all life until the colours fade.

I'm trying to keep the colours!

One door will close and another will open.

Although FRIENDSHIP itself is multi-faceted the former partner and continuing Friend will at some point in the future return for his stuff or send for it or I will move it to another place but I certainly won't be carrying it with me!
Even psychological stuff has to be let go!
Anyway,  I may or may not be here, and if I am, I may not be here in the same way as today!

And as for all and the new, if they want me in their life at any level they will have to let me know.

I open the window and look outside.
I close the window and look inside!

Now, the target is to simplify complications!  Eric Clapton helps! Music helps!