Ré-turn

When I ré-turned to this fabulous, luminous Île I was immediately in Heaven, in Paradise, with all the angels singing without a cloud in the sky, without anxiety, without a care in the world!  I know because I wore that 'certain smile' all day and each day whilst on and off my bike, irregardless of whom I met or what I did! Age did not matter! Nothing mattered!  It stayed until I moved to Île d'Oléron, which was equally, if not more luminous.  However, it is absolutely truthful that the continuous blissfulness witnessed for four full days on each of those three visits, faded as I left that isle.  Maybe, ancestral roots of Saint-Onge call me to that region.  Although sitting on beaches for long is difficult, here the sand is soft, the water warm, with space to move to or away from people, to walk, cycle, read, paint, or water sport if one fancies but that latter is not for me. Like the Cancerian Crab that I am, a shoreline needs to be available to scuttle hear and there! September sunrise and sunset make this the most marvelous of beaches. I kid myself to believe that I could stay for ever... but when the tempests come, ... , I like everyone will find a different haven for safety and security.
After pitching tent before five pm, the beach beckoned me insistently, to paddle and to picnic on peaches and a mirabelle tart. A bottle of water to quench the thirst.

To the south

To the east

To the west

To the north

To my taste buds

No More Brown

The view  of the brown courtyard portal is No More Brown. The garden gates of my home, (affectionately known as Fort Knox) are now a beautiful silver grey - comme moi! heeheehee!
With HUGE and GRATEFUL thanks to Amanda without whom (as one says) I would be looking at Dark and Gloomy.  Her motto is HAPPINESS and she certainly has brought that to me via WORKAWAYERS.  So too has Steve her partner when they sanded and painted the vast French shutters a few weeks ago!

Transition stage

However, I removed the green plastic coated wire mesh at the base of the metal gates and have discovered that Big Feet slips through, so I must purchase posh silver netting as a deterrent for little dogs and cats to squeeze in and out of my courtyard from the roadway!

A battle between beauty, aesthetics, practicality and fortress protection! 

Now what do I do about those walls? 

ADDENDUM:  

 http://restlessinfrance.blogspot.fr/2012/07/vous-avez-une-barricade.html

This gives a good picture and explanation of how the gates used to be!!!!!!!! 

PROGRESS!

Le brioche

I laughed.
My log delivery man was cycling home at 21h30 in his dungarees, arms revealed, sweat exuding and puffing a little... so I made comment about how wonderful to be on the velo!  He wheeled around remembering his French manners to stop and shake hands.   I repeated as he listened carefully for he is deaf:  "J'ai dit que c'est tres bien que vous faisez le velo!" Probably incorrect but he understood... patted his belly and spoke about removing le brioche!
Ah.. I thought.....
I must get on my bike after all the winter eating and recent social eating with guests has left a deposit I am not pleased with! I never have been one to exercise!

That evening I'd had an hour and a half walk toute seule out into the countryside and back into town, taking pics on the way.
Under the mustard seed plants by the wayside I heard grunting sounds as if from piglets and a mother nesting.  At first thought,  it was the same sound as I hear in my attic on occasions... were they loirets?   But as I stood, camera at the ready, I considered that they might be baby pigs of wild boar, so I thought not to loiter looking at nature any longer and increased the speed of step... then thought further about whether it would be better to run or to turn and face them and charge if they should threaten me!  Either way it was scary and there were no dead tree branches at hand to wave in my defence!

Oh my... the joys of the French landscape.

I came across a solitary wild cherry tree at the margin of the same field, branches hanging heavily with fruit that no one had harvested... some needed a few more days to ripen.  Nevertheless, after squeezing the red jewels in my mouth for an evening dessert, I broke off one branch to enjoy fresh cherries in abundance as I walked, for it was approaching 'le crépuscule', spitting out stones along the way, imagining a line of cherry trees in future years! Green walnuts are forming on the trees. Honeysuckle fragrance hung heavily in the air tempting large bottomed bumble bees.

The next day I wrote a poem!

But this is a different impromptu one!

In twenty four hours there have been
seen from the west approaching,
three huge thunderous storms rolling,
sheet lightning, mumbling, rumbling,
disturbing my day tasks and sleep.
I closed grey shutters to keep the light show smashing
through the window into my darkness
as I lay with a friend on the telephone speaking!
My grey shutters protect me and help me feel less scared
as the CRASH was immediately overhead!
Big Feet and I - we were comforted!

Ten Years

It is ten years since losing my career path, the resulting depression on depression of fibromyalgia, a major debilitating op with the loss and recovery of a working bladder,  selling my beautiful 400 year old inn which was the accolade of my life,  moving lock, stock and barrel to France to not my own house, then suffering what I was told was abuse, becoming single again four years ago and buying my very own French maison which had no bathroom. Now it has, with much gratitude to a friend. I am learning to stop the tears, start LIVING and in fact I think I could say that the tears have stopped and laughter has returned!

The story became stuck in a rut on occasions whilst all the while there has been progress.
LIVING never stands still but mountains have to be moved to make it enjoyable and fun.
When I have fun, my younger, inner child laughs and skips with joy.

I recently wrote in my JOURNAL that:-

I feel alive and who I am... comfortable in my skin.
It has taken me longer than ten years to achieve a self- reliant happiness...
and oh how happy I mostly am.

Thank you to everyone who has crossed my path and travelled alongside me on my journey...
Thank you to HIM who made me go from his house , and put me in the position I am in today.. .
maybe it was all meant to be!  I
The door closed and others opened!
Thank you to everyone for their patience, tolerance and understanding, their love and empathy and willingness to see the good in me.  I am in awe and in appreciation of how you have all stood by me!

I love you all.

Freedom out and about

A haircut whilst speaking French and English with my friend was excellent therapy.  Seeing the rising rushing river against the bridge towers made me feel alive.  I was in wonderment at how quickly the new development of a new car park, cinema and tourist office in Chatellerault has been achieved.

I always try to go to Chez Fred in the market place to have a hot chocolate drink or lunch.  Yesterday was a surprise. I entered to find the floor covered with straw.  On walls and surfaces were veggie crates filled with straw and cut out paintings of rabbits and chickens.  From the ceiling and light fittings there were branches of wisteria, cutout paintings of bunches of grapes and maroon balloons to represent the grape. Some people sat on straw bales. No I hadn't made a reservation.  Never mind I said as I was about to leave without being served a coffee as there was nowhere to sit.  Meanwhile, Fred is waving an empty glass in front of me and indicating the barrel and bottles of Beaujolais Nouvelle, asking if I wanted lunch and finding a place for me to squeeze into. Despite my good intention to save money and to eat frugally my sandwich, "Pourquoi pas" sprang into my mouth, an opportunity to participate unexpectedly. For 10 euros I was stuffed with the buffet volonté, which Fred brought on huge serving dishes. There was no space to wander about.  Apple bread rolls were on plates.  The terrine was so delicious and I did not dare ask which meat!  I declined the black and white pudding and rillette or is it rillande, but accepted the most tasty of cold chicken, carpaccio, cheeses and green salad with tomatoes.  It was cheaper to buy a bottle but I couldn't drink that and when the French people on my table chinked glasses they were reluctant to do so with me because I had water after two small glasses of wine but when Fred brought a third glass they cheered appreciatively for it was that day in the year when Beaujolais is officially released and why they were there for the ambiance and atmosphere of Chez Fred. It was really a paid party!!  With a dessert of pears, cherries and Beaujolais wine confiture and an espresso coffee, my bill was just under 20e without the tip. BRILLIANT. What did it matter ?   I was stuffed.   With colour to my cheeks, sober and within driving limits. I felt alive again. 

I should never leave home without the camera. I considered it but thought it unnecessary,

I'm putting the date in my diary for next year and must get a small group of friends together to make a reservation. 

Flowers give hope

 

Whoopee... Look at that!!! Have managed to suss how to post photo using miniipad. 

A lovely lady to many people, gifted me yellow roses and gerbera. Cheerful colour to bring to the patient who has been more or less confined to the house.

I'm trying to learn to be less harsh to me and less harsh on others. 

One could say I have suffered from the "Poor me" syndrome. 

The last 4 weeks have been a bit of a roller-coaster ride with excitement and depression taking me up and down. Exhausted and not just physically, whilst recuperating from the operation and post op drugs, I have felt overwhelmed by the assault on my body.  Somehow the spiritual me has been under surveillance as I have had too much time to contemplate. The chaos of having my house and home attacked whilst roof timbers are nearly all replaced, worse than was estimated, has been an ordeal especially when there is no one here to share thoughts with. 

Optimism has to be the key. And Hell can become Paradise....

Feeling the pain and rising above it........

I felt the breeze change last night. Autumn cometh.
The weather has changed: temperatures  in / out  for day / night have been similar for some time BUT NOW a 10C degree difference between outdoors / indoors accompanies the rain, scuppering an idea to clear the wood pile! Sabotage!

I feel Life's tempest brewing ......

I haven't posted because living alone allows too much opportunity for introspective thinking on making sense of this world and I am fast coming to the conclusion there is NO SENSE:  it is all NON SENSE!
LIFE is short.  Perhaps it has to be enjoyed no matter how hedonistic.  I've invested too much time and energy in the man that I thought I loved. I know I did love him even back in 1998 when first we became unstable.  Why has it lasted so long? Why does it take so long to heal? 

MY STRUGGLE IS THAT I HAVE deeply rooted PRINCIPLES of prudishness, pride, honesty, loyalty, integrity, decency and dignity and feel that I should be honoured and cherished for my womanhood and that THAT is also what I should offer for any man who wants to be with me!
BUT IT AINT ALWAYS LIKE THAT!!!!!!
I've made errors of judgement with my principles / behaviour but I don't have to punish who I am. 
One tries to go with the flow of life... tries to keep busy... tries to keep calm and reflect, consider motives for what I WANT TO DO IN MY LIFE, now that someone says I am a liberated woman with a thousand voices and says I rock his boat !
How nice! How flattering but it can't last!
BUT then the dream and reality of unreality crashes on the rocks! The rock is on a stormy sea. I clearly contributed to The Previous One's behaviour.  it wasn't all my fault even though he blamed and criticised me for my imperfections, failings, weaknesses. THAT is exactly what he worked upon to keep me down whenever I got strong.

Why is it that my rebellious teenager or my playtime seeking child won't listen to my adult? 
 
How much can anyone ever believe anyone?
How much can anyone trust others ... or is it all to be interpreted as a pack of lies as each one of us in the world seeks to meet our own individual needs in a selfish world?
Have I become too cynical?
Have I too much time to think?
Is it because I've been down on the floor so many times, picked myself up, dusted myself down and started all over again that I will keep doing that until I learn what it is I need to learn?
Someone please shout at me the blindingly obvious!
How can anyone ever protect themselves from the pain that is bound to come when one has had pleasure or feels bliss when it all disintegrates?
I get blissful whilst on my bike, whilst looking out with wonder across stubbled fields, clover, fields where millet ripens, huge leaved crops that must be the Nicotiana family ... tobacco,  yellow and green sunflowers in serried ranks, praising the SUN, which I do too ...... I bow my head as I eat my apple and praise God for the fact that I am alive and mobile and my happiness pours forth into the world.
I need to be emotionally inert.  That's a laugh a minute ... it'll happen when I am dead!
One tries to see good in everyone ... and know that as human beings we all feel the same ...
One tries to be compassionate and caring. I do try to love who I am and what I am so that I can share that love with others. It all sounds so trite.
One tries to know purpose in life and to what degree of fulfilment one could achieve for Self and to give to others.
I wish to meet new people, go to new places, hear new stories, do new things, see culture, so that I can learn more about REALITY.
I want to go travelling, be a hobo, but the time is not yet here.
There is a roof to be re-roofed, a kitchen to be gutted,  a bunion to be lanced, logs to be collected / delivered / stacked and how to do this with a hobbly foot will be interesting and then the rest....
This the former professional, a sometimes feisty woman who used to juggle two kids as a single parent with a full-time teaching commitment working all hours that God sent in order to prove my worth (the failing school grew from a roll of 30 ish children to 120 on roll when I was Acting Head [for my sins]). I studied for my degree status  at the same time. Before that the three of us lived in a house with subsidence where inside temperatures were below zero! Was I too busy with my job to take care of me and my kids. On reflection it did not seem to be enough but it has to be because it cannot be redone!

Mindful in solitude, I try to do the following but make little headway because of self-sabotage. 
1. Wake up ... go to sleep.
2. Eat and drink a balanced diet to lose weight before the foot incapacitates me for 3 to 6 months.
3. Exercise - I spent too long on my bottom last winter.  This Summer into Autumn I am proud of activity. I can easily walk fast for an hour in the morning and cycle for an hour or two each afternoon / evening.  It is not enough. BUT is enough for someone who had M.E., who could not walk between two groynes on a beach without a helping hand, who had to crawl up the stairs and shuffle down on her bottom, who fell asleep whilst the kettle boiled!
4. TRY to tick off jobs and tasks...e.g. currently having to make a decision on MUTUELLE payments as this is a task that has been shelved for 7 years and the recent enquiry with quotes is one year old... I have to pay out for my health costs because I have chosen to live in France. Only a percentage is picked up by the NHS... (what is that these days?)  Other goals must be to decide how to purchase a new vehicle so I pray that my little Clio keeps on moving....
5. TRY to Sort & Clear out STUFF I have not used, do not use, will never use again... Whew that is such a challenge!!!!!!  There in my attic are family photos ... newspaper cuttings, memorabilia, treasured items of monetary and emotional value...  There on my computer are photographic memories and a muddled collection of writings....and the whole story needs strategic thinking and a million ways of threshing to dump or keep in an honoured way. It's pretty scary to open sealed boxes from the past, when memories good and bad arrive to hit one in the head and heart. Currently the floor is littered with books not sold at the Books Festival ... not the same as a UK Literary Festival! but that is what this village needs to do.  It is stuck in old ways and is not keeping up with modernity... One can't keep presenting the same format... We did that at school for sports day and barbecue nights and then someone came and shook it all up!!!!! It needed a revamp and so did we, the staff!
6. TRY to think clearly, proactively. logically. No thinking would be good too.
7. TRY to formulate ideas for a plan for the future!
8. Laugh A Minute!    It keeps a level of sanity in the why of why this has happened in my life.

It's my blog... I can write about what I choose.

Wild Country requires Wild Life

                             

This is the tent I bought last year and used recently on the Ile de Ré.  It's an amazing tent, really quick to establish a snugasabug home on sandy soil.  It has an inner and outer tent. You stake out the floor plan then insert the hooped rods, stake the cords and that's it. Of course it needs a little adjustment as the sand shifts. It's lightweight and great for me!  Little old me reckoned there could be space for some Wildlife in a Wild Country tent!! Wishful thinking! My only criticism was that after a few days it seemed to develop a lot of moisture on the inside of the outer tent, even though one was in the shade of the fir trees. However, humidity levels on the island had gone from WET to steamy hot (woops ... ) even though the westerly WIND was strong.  I managed to get a wind tan whilst cycling when the sun shone HOT.  Before that a rain mac and sunglassses were necessary! The light was bright. I long to go back as I felt at home walking on the beach, tide out, tide in. Of course with family roots from Saintonge maybe that is why! Take a wallet as the eating experience is not inexpensive but amazing! Look at the paella!

Happiness is The Arrival of Spring

The wind went oomph

whilst I cycled mainly downhill to La Creuse at Lurais, then to Fontgombault,  uphill out of the ravine to return to my village. It was a route, I told myself, I could attempt in perhaps 3 hours. And so the day had arrived!  I could have a Christmas day picnic of smoked salmon in fig bread accompanied by Cheverny white wine, with a clementine followed by strawberry tea! 
Several cars passed me on the bicycle.  I saw one human, fishing, opposite my impromptu chosen spot by the river, where I'd found a proper stone seat under weeping willow trees, with sunshine glittering on water.
On the return journey, three English setters bounded towards me. Fortunately, a fence was between us. A human called, whilst in the woods, to a dog called Tempête.
On the return journey I sang a number of carols badly. Surprisingly this helped the difficult breathing whilst pedalling slowly up slopes which were hills.  I'm out of practice with gears... and unfit! There was no other human creature even in the heart of the village. Back through my gates and the black cloud burst itself and what a downpour there was. Lucky me!
20km or 12½ miles with probably a 20 minute or so picnic break.
Apx 8km per hour!  I was not in a hurry!
I think I might like to walk it one day!

Through the end of the rainbow

My dream cometh true... whilst cycling this evening, up ahead,  the huge watering monsters were showering maize only in one place as they do!!!!! The wind was blowing most of the water across my route so there was no opportunity to avoid the welcoming shower in a heatwave.  However, the end of the rainbow, which had been created in the rays of the sun, fell upon me as I cycled through, holding tight to my front panier lid so that the map did not get wet.  How I laughed but forgot to stop to dig for a pot of gold!

It does annoy me when many of these monster water piping systems are leaking water out of the feeding pipes directly into ditches.

Wish I had a photo!

Wrapped up well - a sort of poem

Wrapped up well

Walking down the lane

Freezing air shock to respiratory system

Struggling to keep an even pattern

Breathing natural replacement of oxygen

Striving to breath correctly in through nose, out through mouth.

Steaming spectacles

Worn to prevent wind whipping into eyes

Doesn’t stop streaming tear glands

Like an old biddy.

Move arms as well as legs to keep warm.

Take hand out of glove to press a button for a photo.

Immediately fingers and thumbs are nipped.

Quickly enter glove again.

Move legs in a specific stride.

Regain a rhythm, an unconscious achievement.

After a while breathing becomes natural.
Doesn’t require concentration.
 

The body feels no cold

even though wind cuts like a knife on ice on the forehead,

the only skin exposed under a hat

scarves wrapped around neck, nose and mouth.

 

Study the tractor in the field

Using to advantage the frozen ground

Dig the bucket under the mighty rock

To and fro he works at it from all sides

slowly exposing it from the earth into the trailer.

Farmers see advantage in all weathers.

It makes me happy.

Wend my way into wind with lengthening shadows before me.

Turn at the junction.  
Head back

with sun before me now shining warmly on my face 

as robin flutters overhead in the branches of a tree.

Jewelled beads of ice shimmer in hedgerow skeletons.

Look at a little old lady in a purple coat and white hat.

Oh, am I like that
in my black snowman’s outfit?

Wrapped up warm, 
many layers,

breathing in the freshness from Siberia,

Happy to not be there.

Happy to be here.

Winter Parts - a prosepoem

Winter Parts

PART ONE

Wrap up well my mother said

as I ventured into sub-zero temperature

for a walk.

There's no work on my house.

PART TWO

Last year the diary said

there was ice on the roads

after skidding up the hill.

There was no work on my house.

Sat in the cold and the sunshine warm
of the lightest room of the darkest house

hey a bit like today
did the finance in a room with light daylight
and electric light

whilst the woodburner glows bright.

Last year we were glad to return

because next day news

reported

hospitals

patiently healing traffic accident patients.

PART THREE

Keep the log fires burning said my friend

churning out heat

requires careful observation
listen to the moment to add a next log

before embers crash

into ash

and flames die.

PART FOUR

Last year today

I finished a book entitled

The Suckers Kiss

then got depressed.

This year today

I finished a book entitled

Notes from Walnut Tree Farm
Roger Deakin

Printed posthumously.
I didn't get depressed. 

Sobbed

is not the word

as I once stood dumbstruck

in a Southwold bookshop

as Wildwood told me news
that he had died quite sadly
before his time.
I never knew.
A wonderful kind and gentle man
funny and serious
interested in the natural existence
of worldly things.

PART FIVE

Today I am happy

Delighted to know the snow

Is helping trees plants and humans

Shed germs and diseases.

Pleased to see jewelled ice beads

Clinging to twigs

Sparkling magically in sunlight.

Laughing at absurdities

Which are necessary learning tools.

Smiling at realisation

Feeling the key of why I can love so many people and so many things,
even those who do me wrong.

I love the snow: it does not love me but it matters not.

I love my hot water bottle: it does not love me but it matters not.

I love my cat and she loves me but it matters not.

I love my friends and family in ways they do not know

It is not for them.
They love me but

They do not have to love me for I love myself,

better than I did before.

My love is my love:

It is not for others. Need not be reciprocated.

This is what is making me feel so happy!
Now I understand. 
There's no work on my house but there's work in my head.

 

A thankyou tribute to my lovely daughter

It was thirty four years ago today

I was struggling to make my way,

With sliced oranges in a preserving pan

Making marmalade for me and my man

So may I introduce to you

My daughter naturally true

Miss Happiness was her name

And for that I'm glad I am to blame

For calling her Felicity

'cos with speed and velocity

She arrived into this wonderful world

A beautiful pink baby pearl.
ohhhhhh
Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band
It's wonderful to be here
It gives me such a thrill
She's such a lovely audience
and makes me feel so good
I don't really want to stop the show

but I thought you might like to know

I am happy just today to say

a very very Happy birthday.

And so it was that I started at about 5h in the morning, stage 2 of my special motherly recipe for making marmalade which involved cutting finely by hand the seville oranges, sweet oranges and lemons on that second day of making the best marmalade in the world!  At about 7h or later in the evening it was jarred.  And so, I was free to give birth for I was elephantine and if I sat down could not get up again.  I too was jarred with stirring and jangled because I was having this baby.  I refused to go to the hospital earlier because of frightful experiences with what happened when I gave birth the first time with my dearest son,  and so I waited until I was sure that those waves of pain were the real thing.  When I arrived at the hospital at about 20h30 I told the nurses “I am having a baby”.  I remember the look on Matron’s face as she smilingly and kindly spoke “Of course you are”.   Why else would I be arriving at a maternity hospital like a beached whale?   However, I insisted urgently that I WAS HAVING the baby!  It was a small cottage hospital. Nonchalantly, they allowed me to go to the toilet unaided, whereupon the waters broke, I collapsed on the floor yet had the good sense to pull the alarm cord and so they came running in their uniforms. Within a few minutes at 8h53pm the darling Felicity was born!  Miss Happiness.  I felt that I was lucky to now have one son and one daughter. It was my wish come true.

She hasn’t always caused happiness to either herself or others, being a very challenging person, but the worry was well worth it because I now feel a great affinity with her, and the more we see each other, as we get older, the more we seem to get on well together.  But of course I cannot speak for her.  I praise her for her ability as a mother in coping with a parenting situation that is very different to my experience as a mother, as was my own experience different to the trials of my own mother.  I respect daughters.  I respect  mothers.  I respect what supportive father's do too.  Being a conscientious parent is not the easiest of jobs and it IS a job,  it is a career and as mothers we work hard for the heartache of pain AND joy that sons and daughters bring to us.
My daughter has a wealth of ideas and self confidence. She has many creative talents and abilities.   We come from a family where the women appear to be late developers.  I am hoping that in 2012, or whenever, she will find a way to use her skills, interests and talents in a way that brings more confidence, success and happiness.  May doors open for her.    Happy Birthday, my lovely one.

28 January 1978 Top of the Pops chart
Number 1 was "Stayin Alive" by the BeeGees
Number 20  was "What's your Name?" by Lynrd Skynrd

Today's Choice

Reasons to be Cheerful Part 3 buy Ian Dury and the Blockheads 1980

WARNING for sensitive souls: There are expletives in the lyrics.

It's becoming a delight to find the songs and music of words that come into my head when I talk/ write to myself or others.  This one, for me, is about being happy with who we are and not striving for perfection. It's very appropriate for me and maybe many people.  Ian had an untimely death from cancer of the colon.  A loss.  Read more here.  I'm doing my best to find happiness in music so that I don't get dragged down. GOT TO MUCH TO DO!  I like the ending of this video - makes me laugh!