Change is ongoing to the very end when it changes yet again

Lifted from The Guardian:
David Bowie:

“My entire career, I’ve only really worked with the same subject matter. The trousers may change, but the actual words and subjects I’ve always chosen to write with are things to do with isolation, abandonment, fear and anxiety, all of the high points of one’s life.”

  “I am not a natural performer,” Bowie said in a rare interview in 2002. “I don’t enjoy performing terribly much. Never have. I can do it and, if my mind’s on the situation, do it quite well. But, five or six shows in, I’m dying to get off the road and go back to the studio.”

It is a kind of comfort to me to realise that even the GREATEST have troubles with isolation, abandonment, fear and anxiety,
So........ i'st not only me, then ?  !!!!!!!!!   aaaaaaaarrrgh!
One must remember to focus on the higher points of one's life.
Even a star turns to dust and dances high in the skies.
God bless!

Yesterday and Today

Yesterday was full of rain and cold and drear! I lacked confidence, was full of doubt,  felt responsible for the weather, found myself apologising,  hearing myself say, 'but it's not my fault'.  I was embarrassed by the number of overwhelming tasks / jobs I need help with.  Down, down, down.
(I don't think I was nearly as mature and understanding of the elderly as they are at their age!!!!!!!!)

M. was fine as we settled to sort photos ... and negatives .. remember those? !  A jolt down memory lane to my former English home, which my last partner helped me to renovate, and..., oh my..., look at what we created, and look at what we took apart... and left... I was and am so saddened.

However, if I was still there I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have met the wonderful people I have met nor would I have had, and am having, the amazingly challenging tear-jerking or laughter-making experiences.
What has LIFE been all about when so much of MY LIFE has gone and so little is left? 
Make the most of it while I can and if I am down, down, down,  I have the choice and opportunity to change it for up, up, up.

So,  she and I sorted the photos into a set for HER and a set for HIM, because when I left HIS house, four to five years ago, to come to HER house,  I took the photos of MT house in UK, intending to divide them up!  ... and now, after ten years, I have!!!  What HE does with HIS set is not my business but he will be given them!  More importantly, quite a few of those hard-copy photos reached the rubbish bin!  My set is now in two albums. M. did an excellent job of sorting muddled photos and negatives of that 2/3rds of a Tudor former inn.

After much weeping and wailing which didn't actually last too long, she and I seemed to bond as women, and we managed to laugh through the task.  One fun thing to do was to complete an album from about 1995 (??) when my son and I went to Spain. That was after my father died!   We had backpacks but hired a car to drive from Barcelona to Orihuela and return. It was a great DRIVE... I could have gone allthe way around the edge!  Lovely again to to see my son so young in photos and to remember Elche and Rioja!

I think my down mood on such a grim wet dark day was SAVED by the greeting cards I found welcoming my daughter into the world.  Funny that her 'birth' day was the day before I re-discovered them!!!!!  Such a pleasure to see 1978 style 'BABY GIRL" cards and messages inside from some people I am not in touch with anymore!

I think F. felt frustrated by yesterday's weather, as did we all!  It was so bleak.  First of all he took my new Ikea trolley out of its box and put it together.  He called it the  'vegetable shelves'.  I liked that!   Then he was impressed by the new indoor or exterior lights I bought ages ago which needed to be connected, but I couldn't work out how to make them light up... I am impractical!  Negative destructive thoughts of  'how could I be so dumb' is what I thought!!!!  Evidently, I can buy more and make a longer string!  Ooh... I may just do that. Sod the cost!

Then he volunteered to work outdoors in the rain, to investigate what needs to be done to repair wooden gates at the barn down the lane, and to establish for himself what tools and resources I own and what are owned by my former partner.  All left in my possession.  I have full permission to use what I will!  Eventually, he repaired one screw in the main garden gate... such a little task, but it secures the keep on the latch and is extremely important.  I was so grateful.  He was so wet!!!!! Then, bless him, he wanted to de-nail the timbers in the newly re-roofed attic and was gone for a couple of hours. I must go up and see what he has done!

Throughout the day I battled with being in a gloop of depression, which was really a kind of sadness and eventually an Ibuprofen sorted it as well as some lively music.  It is lovely to have people to feed but takes my time! It is inspirational to have people stay who appreciate food.  The evening meal was delicious - two slices of lambs liver cut into small pieces in a creamy tarragon sauce with cauliflower leaves and florets, julienne carrots and Ciabbata rolls that M. made!  OK, it was a prepared flour mix but she has always let her sister do the cooking.  I made a Pear Meringue Tart and a Hazelnut Torte because egg whites needed to be used.  We were stuffed!  I am eating more than I normally would!

They wished me to play the piano so had to endure two Chopin Nocturnes plus two pieces from the film 'The Piano' composed by Michael Nyman.  The deal was that they would sing and play Friday evening but then we had a musical soirée.  She has a beautiful voice and he plays guitar well... a couple of 'The Doors' pieces. This was followed by a discussion about something I did not understand, so I showed him a video of the Stroh instruments played by a French theatrical, musical group who I know... then he showed me videos of guitar playing by Bob Brozman.

Today I got up at nine but they didn't get up until ten and started work at 10h30!!!!!! But by then the sun was shining and although they looked reluctant without adequate clothing, for the wind was keen and bitter,  they were bossed about by me.  I laughed heartily, yet severely when I told them I was bossy when necessary!!! They had to wear a hat!! "Choose one of these"... and a gilet and a coat or jacket... "Choose from these" is what I said!!!   "You can shed them as you get warmer."   They did not understand this use of the verb 'to shed'.  So they worked for an hour and I took them coffee and Epiphany cake.   Then they worked another hour and a half and I made them Red kidney bean and Red pepper soup, lemony with sage, served with ciabatta. Pear tart was to follow!

I explained to these two that in January, despite my own rules which I break,  the weather is inclement for starting much before 9 or 10 in the morning. One awaits the sun rising above the village roofs to shine on my garden!
BUT WOW... today they forked over and weeded three sections of my potager AND made the fourth quarter ...  all this in addition to work on Tuesday and Wednesday where they have finished widening the rose and lavender bed! How I love them! In addition, they moved weeds to the trailer (dechetterie trip next week) and moved logs exposed to rain when wind whipped off the bache to the space in the sheltered area where logs have disappeared since October!

POSTSCRIPT TO SUSAN's comment below:
The soil appears to be remarkably friable this year ... most of it only needed a light fork even though it was of course wet with the amount of RAIN we have endured!  Hey ho! My back has been saved and what would have taken four weeks 'potager' digging has been achieved in a few days. I did a few rows of forking over to demonstrate technique!  Last year or the year before I added a lot of 5 year old chicken manure... I also added wood ash from the woodburner, wood shavings and oak bark dust once I have sieved the oak bark.  Waste veg matter is just dug in randomly!  I don't bother to compost!

Meanwhile, whilst monitoring progress in the garden, I discovered my son's school reports plus his photographic accomplishments...so am sorting those into a chronological order and boxing up!!!!!!!!

My Italian helpers went to sleep. I took a fast walk, whereupon at apx six pm, for it is still daylight 'twixt twilight, I became aware of bird song which I have not heard for so long. Then, Blackbird trilled. When I reached ' The American Way' I returned along the road from whence I had travelled. A tawny owl hooted hhhhhhhhhooooooo.  I felt full of the joys of Spring. So happy!!!!!!

Today, the artisan came to instal a shower screen... the para-douche!  I only waited three days.   It was bought at the end of October.  Previously, I never found one that I liked. Now I've completed the action but the glass tiles I think do not have the correct grouting. Hey ho!  BUT ...How glad I am!!!!!!!!  It's another hymn I am remembering!!

Glad that I live am I;
That the sky is blue;
Glad for the country lanes,
And the fall of dew.

After the sun, the rain,
After the rain the sun;
This is the way of life,
Till the work be done.

All that we need to do,
Be we low or high,
Is to see that we grow,
Nearer to God on high.

Solidarity

Although I was unable to go to Paris, London or elsewhere, nevertheless, I have not been without sentiment or thoughts for those who suffered, died and who live.  I hold no weapons but shall promote and support the written word for expression and imagery.  Everyone should be able to express opinion even though this may sit uncomfortably with others.  It is the nature of human beings.  The news has made me more aware of different viewpoints.  I don't always understand cartoons or jokes but realize they are powerful tools to deliver a message without many words.
The dream is that all peoples should be kind to each other, respect opinion, belief, faith, diversity, difference and sameness. We are all from the same mould, sharing fundamental basic instincts. Deep, deep within, we need to give and receive love, to be cherished and cared for, to return the same.  It is why people seek others with whom to live. Those who hurt, maim, or kill, I do not understand them.  Perhaps emotional experiences have been very poor. I know not! I cannot judge.
My dream is that people may live alongside each other as well as live PEACEFULLY together in whichever country they visit or live, whatever their nationality or faith.
I really believe that whenever anyone has wronged us,  hurt us, damaged us, even in our own perception, then we need to learn to forgive others before fighting escalates. It takes patience, tolerance, energy and time to understand ourselves and others.
I believe that JUSTICE will PREVAIL!  What goes around will come around!
The press today, Monday 12 January 2015, made additional comment on the history of a country in which I have chosen to live. They have also provided further information about the tragedy. Some have also highlighted how other tragedies in the world have been unreported or little reported in the media. 

Up, down and rescued

I hate feeling 'down' but I had slept an extra three hours, after being 'up' and out at a beautiful concert the night before.  Today, I lay lazily in bed because it was so cold!  I'd lit the fire at 8h30 when CAT decided she wished to go out. Invitingly, warm bedlinen cossetted me, tea and toast!  After coffee, email and news updates, the mind was overwhelmed with thoughts trudging in the mire of my mind. I was needing to communicate, yet be alone.  Tasks and stuff seem to crave my mind for attention.  The stuff needs to be sorted, and sorted it is being, but it does seem to be a slow process at this stage.  Then I wonder is it all worth it! When maybe I wish to be out and about elsewhere but these responsibilities keep me tied to the security, saftey and haven of my poperty. Then, when I think that other stuff left here isn't mine, and that the person to whom it belongs has almost total freedom within that person's limited financial capacity then my mind becomes scrambled.

I am wondering what is next and how to achieve it! Planning is tricky!  I suppose I have been somewhat spoilt by having had somewhere here very part time in the last four years to help me.  Now gone!

A few days ago, all seemed positive whilst happiness and achievement surged whilst I amended and printed hard copies of writings stored on the laptop...
My story had started... but of course more paper only adds to that which is higgledy piggledy in boxes.  A jumbled mind creates a jumbled life or vice versa... yet, I am determined to get it done and also realise that perhaps I have a slight obsession with trying to keep rooms clear and as organised as I can be!  This is after years of muddle!

Ola! Knocking on my door was my dear friend. She is wonderful. I had just started to get a grip, having put on my jacket to go out (garden or road?) when I told myself to clear the washing / wiping up, so that the clean and tidy kitchen would be motivating on my return.  She came to invite me to accompany friends to a much-loved restaurant as she had to go to London.  How kind!  Then seeing me 'down' she invited me for 'moules and beer' for lunch! How very kind! How I hugged her!  Spirits were raised immediately. She said I had to get out! But getting out means I don't do the things I need to do and piles of stuff mount up and so it all becomes a vicious circle (in my head!)
As HER friend says " Don't worry about stuff, life is short, be with friends, have fun!"
I walked home before 4pm.
Apart from the small glass of red at the Theatre yesterday and the beer today I have managed one whole week without drinking alcohol at home!  I think I can have some with my meal at the restaurant!  But then when I met my friend's friend she had done alcohol free for 31 days of October.... 

More than Wonderful days

Out of an abyss of darkness, comes light.
It is an expression for how the MIND gets it wrong...
for how negative thoughts, self-talk are not necessarily the truth, and how they work against positive thinking and create depression, resentment, anger even.
Chattering of the mind can be destructive to positive interaction.

"Think happy thoughts" is another expression.
I believe it is true that we are what we think and I know how negative thinking can take an enormous grip on the mind and affect behaviour.

I believe THE CURE is to be with others: it is essential to mental well-being. Also to have interests that absorb the mind, few problems to resolve, and a degree of purpose as well as creativity.

I am very lucky.
I MUST hold onto that notion for when self doubt takes hold.
No more outpourings MUST be my target.

To be mindful of moving a 'now' to 'a future', however challenging that may be on a daily basis,  means to dwell not in a past of 'yesterdays', unless it's to remember the GOOD TIMES. Not to wallow but to cherish. I don't know how to do it!
BUT THE GOOD NEWS is that:
there have been many more than wonderful moments, experiences, gifts of the soul received and given, and days, days, days when the man in the white coat is not needed. ***

I MUST  'turn around' with a little help from my friends.

THANK YOU to each and every friend who has suffered my darkness and yet who has realised my goodness enough to wish to be with me. THANK YOU! 

I feel a turnaround. Darkness is just a few steps mis-trodden; a few steps back.
So I need to step forward again and "Think happy thoughts".
I love being happy! Stay, happiness stay!

Days by  Philip Larkin ***

What are days for? 

Days are where we live. 
They come, they wake us 
Time and time over. 
They are to be happy in: 
Where can we live but days? 
Ah, solving that question 
Brings the priest and the doctor 
In their long coats 
Running over the fields.

It is true.

He blows, she blows, running like the wind!

It's a form of expression....
it's about how my criticism of others is really about me... about blowing hot and cold, running like the wind in fear, for fear of insecurity, self doubt;  also in fear of showing loving kindness, for fear of getting hurt!; STRUGGLE!
Well.... I quote my daughter, to say "that the past is not the future", even though I am 'trying to let go' of many things and many people. I haven't wanted to let go! Trust in myself has broken down, yet again. I discover it must be re-constructed, just when I thought I was doing OK! Too much time to think.  It becomes a vicious circle... unwanted negative thinking blocks out positive thinking and then good connections with others.  I have laughed with certain people but in the last week I have vented anger at my two offspring. I am ashamed of that. I appear to be making a porridge of problems for my inner soul and others who are nearest and dearest to me. 'Get a grip'.
I am not running. I tried being still, secluded, solitary, tried my hardest to be 'face to face' looking in the mirror, acknowledging who I am, trying to prevent childhood pouring forth, trying to prevent past mistakes looming like spectral phantoms, trying to stop criticism and blame that I taught others and that others gave me when all those words work at self sabotage.
Staying still in this French space with peace and silence surrounding me may not be the correct thing to be doing as once I thought.  I walk out of the house and see that mighty, magnificent towering chateau against the colour of the sky and then the world is wonderful.
My life doesn't have to be darkness. How did it get like this?
It is said that if something isn't working it has to be thrown away, repaired and fixed.  I don't wish to discard my life.  It does have to be repaired.
However, if my adult children don't, can't, won't acknowledge the fact that I HAVE been trying for many years to solve problems and that it is a process that they must also help with, then I am not solely responsible, if, eventually, inadvertently distance grows deeper with grievances about past and current behaviour.   I can understand why we blame our parents but we are not to blame as parents or as children for having tried to do the best that we could with the resources and circumstances that were available at the time.  Mea culpa. The point is that as a family we are rarely together so friendship takes a toll. One can't know and identify with others unless we meet, moreover, unless we communicate!  There is the internet and social media to connect us and of course, I can't make offspring use it!
I do have to change MY STORY. They have to change theirs! There has to be change in life for learning to be achieved. My wish is to fulfil my dream of having a happy family.

Events and Emotions since the beauty of the Ile de Ré seem to have plummeted into an abyss.
How to stop wallowing in self pity? ... it is true that I remind myself of good fortune, but the mind ensures that dark clouds are somewhat stormy.
I ask me to 'be gentle with myself'... and others... to be less judgmental.
I must work harder at achieving a balance; accept highs and lows, accommodate time with people and time without, enjoy the pleasure of daily hard work and the terror of clearing years of stuff, enjoy life when distracted from that chore, appreciate letting go,  stop worrying about the past and the future! Enjoy the beauty of the NOW!

End of an Era

Today, he sold his house, where once I resided.
I accompanied him to the Notaire as the chief traducteur ....and this time, I was the little bird that said  'bravo'.....
Eleven years ago he asked  me to accompany him to be French resident and give courage! I did that and more and in so doing it drained me of my own courage!!!!!!!!
Now, with self-confidence but considerable emotional pain of which I am not ashamed for it is the essence of who I am, I am able to foster and help further his courage yet again, so that he can master fears of flying and travelling alone to Asia, despite having travelled to Israel and afar when he was in his late teens / early twenties!
Although I have a strong urge to travel, I appreciate that we cannot re-kindle what once we would have liked to do, when we said we would explore the fields of France and Europe.
SO ... I am filled with a deep sadness.

BUT WHEN I ASK MYSELF WHETHER I WANT IT RE-KINDLED I AM AMBIVALENT because of the very lovely generous, warm, caring and once-upon-a-time-fun side of him and then the absence of things I know I need now, which is more humour, laughter, fun whilst doing the hard work as well as assistance on the house and in the garden and in my life ...  I need to be flexible, sometimes planned but sometimes spontaneous and flexible on changing minds.  I need someone to share interests and although we have shared a love of food, walking, cycling, places and people and even music, art and architecture, something has been missing and I know not what. Once upon a time I trusted him implicitly with everything and poured my heart and soul into him... maybe that was the mistake... he could then have a lever on all my failings!  I thought he was my soul mate and yes he was... but .... there we go!

I know that I need security.  Therefore, I could never travel without a base to return to. 
Perhaps now that he has booked his tickets he will start to generate positive thoughts and plans.   We have discussed his opportunities ... he must profit from the opportunity before him .... such a luxury!  And rather than wait in the house going nowhere, now he can go somewhere, wherever his little bird takes him!
I already weep and know not why!!!!!!!!!! LOSS!
I read that SADNESS is a signal that one should be open and begin to trust...
But one should look forward. 
I am trying...
I almost envy him what he has created ... the freedom to go.... not to be shackled by property and French stone property.
I admire what he is about to do and admire the fact that he may get to pick mangoes!
I hope he sends a postcard!

Self Exploration

The following thoughts whilst not original have been evolving for some time in my head.   

I help my Self when I help others.  Conversely, I hurt my Self when I hurt someone else. When we care for others we care for our Inner Self.  Some people have a greater propensity for helping others. Others appear self-absorbed, selfish, self-centred.  

 As I explore "Who I am", in what I perceive to be a small niche in a complicated world, I realise that I don't want to be involved in friendships or relationships that feel as if a game or part of a game is being played. At the same time, I have been trying NOT to play games with my inner Self; trying not to play with words, sentiments or emotions.  More frequently I am of the opinion that it's hard to rely upon myself as well as that some people cannot always be relied upon as everyone appears to be in a state of flux - a state of busy-ness. I hadn't really appreciated the fluidity of change in the Human Condition.     It annoys me if people blow hot and cold, play with emotions, yet, I believe that genuine friendship will stand the test of time and the most difficult of times.

I wish for honest, open, sincere, genuine, non-manipulative, non-controlling relationships and friendships, where there is mutual respect, trust, understanding of the individual, intrinsic kindness, care, tolerance, patience.  I seek people who do not have fantastical expectations, who work within REALITY/NORMALITY and who accept imperfections and limitations. MaintainingTRUE friendships despite distance or close proximity is difficult even if people are true to their word, thought or deed. 

I have a college friend from 46 years ago!  Despite years between meet-ups it always feels natural, normal, honest and committed.  She's a hoot, yet terribly sensible whereas I am reckless at times.  She's been through a different Hell, yet we both have survived our ordeals.

Ah... The Parable of the Sower.  I like the analogy that being part of a relationship / friendship is like being one of the plants in the soil.  In poor soil we become stunted. If the soil is good we mature. Therefore good relationships communicate honestly without fear.  Bad relationships aren'tt good for anyone. People seek positive friendships rather than negative ones which are not for our growth. I'm trying to weed out unhelpful undergrowth!!!

I can't help but be naive and vulnerable. It is who I am or have been.  The world has so much for me to learn about.  However, I DO try hard not to expect from anyone, to live in REALITY even though I am RESTLESS IN FRANCE.

Four years have passed and I realise that this is where my dearest friend and I went wrong;  a form of enmity arrived. We differed on basics, yet were close to each other, co-dependent, hanging on from abject fears, perhaps.   How very strange!  We expected too much from each other which led to disappointment, rejection, abandonment and becoming stuck in a rut. We were drowning and couldn't survive.  Life became stagnant, unfruitful, frightening as we began to age in another country without the natural intervention of family and friends.  It wasn't encouraging growth and it was heading for destruction.  Four years ago, I bought a house and there was hope for a new plan but the damage had been done. Now I value my freedom and the peace I find within me.  I thank him for releasing me from what became a prison for my soul and maybe his!   I know now I was in a different prison before I met him! At last, recently, he confessed that he finds it impossible to control his anger.  WOW, a turning point.  So, is he saying it wasn't only me!!!!!!! I tried to say anger is a waste of energy.

I understand anger because I know anger and also I find it hard to control emotional outpourings, words and tears. That is also a waste of energy! Although, I've known this for almost ten years, I accept it because it is my way of understanding and learning about me and people who didn't understand my capacity to just well up with tears. There have been times when I never knew why I cried but most of that is sorted.  The crying hasn't competely stopped because I also cry in joy and acute happiness BUT generally I am lighter of spirit, more fun to be with, relinquishing the story and gaining other tales.  "More natural and positive and it suits me", says my cousin. 

Open-ness, facing Truth about "Who I am", my strengths and weaknesses will help me to better communicate with others and to better communicate with my inner SELF.

Honesty has to exist with all the people I meet. I'm not afraid to tell what I perceive to be my truth. If another person doesn't like it and wants to be jealous, angry or whatever, then it isn't my problem.  I'm not intimidated by the angry moment.  I faced my angry father after he died and lived alongside anger from the person who I thought was the love-of-my-life. The pain of unrequited love is often too much to bear but I am dealing with it!  I've had to come to terms with my own passive, interior anger which would eventually erupt like Volcanic Etna  in frustration.  To my utter shame.  The ending of my career was when the management team  who should have been caring, taking responsibility to guide me, not to denigrate me, did not help me to see that I was ill when I became angry!

A person is not an island. We need friends indeed and in deed; people to support and help us understand worldly issues, the living and the dead from a different perspective.  

It broke my heart that I couldn't live in HIS house without HIS friendship.  The man I liked disappeared.  I was lost. We had to part, because we had to give each other the freedom to grow in a better soil, somewhere that would suit our needs, give us nourishment to suit our differing personalities, interests, beliefs. It annoys me that he won't talk to show that he acknowledges the facts...It can't be cured. there is no going back!  Maybe the 'books' are right and one just has to 'move on'. Recently,  I see a glimpse of the person I loved and who he once was ( and probably is), yet I know it will not die, even though I hope in the future I will truly love others.  True friendship never dies.

This last week as I respond to helping him sell his house, I become more aware of the deep non-romantic LOVE that I had and maybe have for my former partner.  For many years when people asked me HOW do I love that man who has hurt me so deeply inside, I always described it as a form of Compassion. I've witnessed his suffering and never knew what to do about it or how to help him.  At the same time, I struggled with my own suffering. He couldn't support me any more than I him!  It wasn't easy to live with that person for the rest of my life...nor him with me. 

'Wheels are moving' is an expression I have acquired to describe changes. I FEEL CONFIDENT that despite the past, it does not prevent me from LOVING HIM.... even though he and I have changed.... I struggled with this concept for a long time.  It seemed wrong but now I see that it isn't!  Our deeper friendship has stood the test of Time. I know that I can let him go on his adventures and be happy for him.  I may be very naive but I feel it is the TRUTH.  There is honesty from me to him, who has supported me in a weird way these last ten years!

I've written this because my blog has oftentime veered from house renovation to a story of struggle, a story of how I came to be here in France, of what I do, how I think/feel, attempting to make sense of what surrounds us.  It is about THE NOW as well as THE PAST and I know that THIS IS THIS and the future is beyond my complete control. All that withstanding, I learn about society and aspects which affect emotional and psychological states about which I have panicked and wept copiously. 

I've been travelling whilst I consider the words of this posting.

The sun rises on the horizon and until it sets I will attempt to be more compassionate for my friends and family.  In the last few weeks I've received positive comments.  I don't write all this to receive that... 
I write to bare my soul.... to show I am weak, frail, insignificant in this vast world but yet I am strong, a survivor with the gift of LIFE and LIVING.
I don't yet want it to stop... let me be on that carousel and make the world go round in JOY!

Book Review: Charlotte Gray

The novel Charlotte Gray was written in 1999 by Sebastian Faulks with a film directed by Gillian Armstrong starring Cate Blanchet released in 2001.

I loved this book.   It was profound and emotionally educational unravelling some of the tangled thoughts about my own parental relationship.

page 474:
I was upset when she commented about how her father was emotionally and mentally damaged by his experiences in WWI.
I began to realise that my own parents may have been proud of me but they never ever praised me in all of my life. My mother once did say I was clever so maybe that counts!

I was in tears towards the end of the book: 

"She strained at the memory of her childhood, at the sense of some rapture lost. Yet it all remained like some frozen sea: great blocks of ice, submerged but static, and beyond the melting capacity of her conscious will."......... "her mother would turn form intimacy"

page 479 and after:
the author writes about a man's need and fears of being a father, a person, a man as a boy and how men can be a prisoner of sensual desire.... so I started to wonder about how people set themselves free from the chains that they have self-imposed.  When I was in my 30s or 40s I doodled many chains and wrote about myself being a prisoner but then I did not know what of!  I still have that INNER CHILD THERAPY JOURNAL.
page 482:
I had a kind of revelation.  I began to sob suddenly and uncontrollably as I realized that possibly I had never ever really thought about MY LIFE from my parents' viewpoint ...  It is what I have been expecting my grown up children to do! I want them to appreciate and understand that I think about their lives from my viewpoint and I think that perhaps one of them hasn't yet understood that and won't until he becomes a parent. 
page 483:
I interpret the author's writings:
The noise of shouting and violence... the sight and sound of torment, grief and horror cause the destruction of the softness of love.

``````````````````

In this novel, Charlotte Gray, a young Scot,  became involved with the French resistance at Vichy, in 1942, during the Second World War.  She'd traveled to London to work as a medical receptionist for a Harley Street doctor but on the train she shared a compartment with two men, one who works for the secret service and he invites her to contact him when the job gets boring. Despite the war, social life was in full swing and she soon meets an accomplished airman, Peter Gregory. The temporary nature of life at wartime brings romance where she loses her virginity and her heart. Peter is sent on a mission over France and becomes missing in action.  She joins a Special Operations Executive (SOE) training course where about one third of the women sent to France never returned. The secret service exploit her talent to speak French fluently and she is happy to return to France where she spent much of her childhood.  She passes interrogation to be a spy,  has her hair and dentistry adapted to look more like a French woman and is parachuted into France to complete a specified mission.  She goes AWOL and sets out to find Gregory.
Wikipedia says:
"The character of Charlotte Gray was based on a New Zealand woman called Nancy Wake who worked with the French Resistance near a village called Verneix in the Auvergne region. Instead of escaping she became a courier for the resistance but had to eventually flee to Spain and then England where she was trained by the SOE. She was parachuted back into France on 29 April 1944 and went on to lead a 7,000 strong resistance group in the Auvergne region. Her husband, Henri Fioca, was tortured and killed by the Gestapo for failing to reveal her whereabouts."

Facing the onset of Spring

Days become lighter mornings and evenings and with that a frosty morning snap has arrived.
My arms have been working, stretching, lifting, carrying, which seems to suit the pain.  It's very odd, because at night, the pain keeps me awake or wakes me so that I lose sleep.  I have a sneaking suspicion that the inflammation has reduced but am reluctant to say that there is improvement, or that the pain is getting better.  Ginger tea is the order of each day as it is a natural anti-inflammatory! And so it is and so.

The media reports about the elderly. Am I becoming thus :)? It is scary!  I loved to hear about Nell on Woman's Hour this week. She is 100 Years old and a true inspiration. She cleans every day and says it's much easier for her  once the lady has giving it 'a do' ... what a marvellous expression!  Keep on moving that's what we've all got to do.  Use it or lose it.  I do my best to keep moving but it has to further improve! When I sit still and cannot peel myself away from technology, I know that if I can dance or 'faire le repassage' / iron the bedlinen whilst David Bowie sings then I will feel better!  But I like to sit and write / type, read the news, research this and that which the internet provides.  It has transformed my life.

Whilst Facing the onset of Spring:
There is a 2 stere stack of logs from 2013, yet I daren't touch them as they are stacked so well.  Therefore,  using the machine, I have started splitting logs from the January 2014 delivery. Really that wood needs to dry out a little more as some will not give to the 400 kilo pressure.  Smaller/thinner oak logs give greater immediate heat.  Although the sun has been shining,  some days or parts of days are still pretty cold, but there are times when one can have morning coffee or afternoon tea in the courtyard or rear garden.  There has been what I call a RAW East Anglian spike to the crisp, cold-blue sky and an edge to the wind. Tonight, 5th March, one can see Orion The Hunter lit by the myriads of stars and single crescent moon.

Whilst Facing the early Spring, pages of Life turn...
I've been walking around my house climbing ladders, sorting and spring cleaning.  I like DIY when part of a team, even though I am mainly the support skivvy. Friendship should have been more than working at home improvement.  It's been a fact that I can't do this work alone. Eventually, with not great effort, I succumbed to accepting an offer of help and I, in turn try to help him.  I've said it before that 'It's not yet finished until it's finished'.  Friendship doesn't just cease. Whilst there is laughter and fun which makes us happy, there is another day to celebrate, another day to live, another day to gather happiness around us!  What is happiness? What is friendship? What is a relationship?

I know that if I truly love someone then that love will go wherever she/he stays and wherever she/he goes. In the case if my friend, I hope that my love will give him courage to find whatever he thinks he is looking for, whatever he thinks he didn't have when he lived with me! I give him my blessings.
I / he / we haven't always been kind to each other and that fact hurts me beyond belief in my darkest moments... and...then I wake up!!!!!
I / he/we have been quite frustrated with each other for all sorts of reasons.  
It's a shame and a waste of friendship! 
I don't understand how people have successful friendships let alone relationships or marriage!

He jokingly but seriously says I must take advantage. The Wheels of Life are moving and we face further future LOSS.  On my return from a long drive to buy a matching curtain pole to the first, I sobbed most of the 50 minute journey home!!!!!!!  Why do I cry? I know why!!!!!!!  But as I cry, I think, and thinking whilst I drive helps to unravel emotion, though it's not quite safe to do all this at the same time!  I absolutely know how I feel and it won't go away and by Jove I have tried, even not connecting with him for 5 months!  Its feels like a form of madness, illogical, worse when he have made contact and then are apart.  Unrequited Love, I suppose that is what it is.... 
How are people able to care so much for each other after 15, 30, 50 or more years of marriage? 
What made us so co-dependently close and then what made us fail to keep tolerant and patient with our foibles?  I/he/we made so many mistakes!

Why is it that the smallest of jobs and most final of tasks when titivating interior decoration seem to take for ever?  However,  those 6 French doors of the barn part of the house are at last painted internally.  Now wooden battens fixed to polystyrene backed plaster-boarded walls take curtain poles to receive beautiful Laura Ashley cream damask curtains from a house I left in 2002. They have emerged from the suitcase, visited the dry-cleaners at huge expense, but the lovely lady halved the price as there were 4 curtains, and at last they now provide ambience.  However, I must sit and lower the hem which means using needle, thread and patience.

I'm trying to consider having a chambre d'hôte in the high season.  This week and last we've been working through small jobs where broken door-knobs have been repaired, plumbing to the exterior toilet and sink has been repaired, and there has been much drilling, sawing, sanding, painting.
It has been a pleasure!

L'Ancien Theatre in Chatellerault: 6

The Peristyle is used as a foyer.

1967 the theatre was deemed to be outside of the cultural life of Chatellerault and any project to renew it was too onerous. 
1973 there was an order for it to be closed because of the danger of fire.
1977 The Maire confirmed it was going to be destroyed. An association to save it was led by Michel Bidron. it has been a long process but I am so very glad the theatre has been conserved and is classed as a Historic Monument de France. Thank you to all those who had faith!
And now....please go to the theatre as part of the audience or have a guided tour.  Treat yourself!
There is a depth to this theatre that I have not been able to relate or reproduce in these postings nor yet uncovered. Over to you!

PS If I am able to read / translate / discover more important facts I will update my blog with new postings! 

L'Ancien Theatre in Chatellerault: 5

These photos are of a maquette on display.

And some other lovely decorative features:

L'Ancien Theatre in Chatellerault: 4

The sets, curtain and allegorical ceiling paintings are the artistry of Emile Vernon, from the École des Beaux-Arts, Tours, France. This is a reproduction of the main curtain which has two oculi to espy if the audience are ready for the show!  It depicts the Henri IV bridge over La Vienne river between Chatellerault and Chateauneuf.  I wonder if all the original has been kept and if so, where? I hope examples of the other artefacts are in storage somewhere.

 This blog shows his paintings in their original state - untouched! Thank you to the blogger!

SPRINGTIME COMETH
Evidently the cranes went over yesterday but I didn't see them! 

L'Ancien Theatre in Chatellerault: 3

I am very fond of this theatre and have been a member of "Les Amis" for several years, offering my humble support for the rescue of this unique building.  It was dilapidated and at its worst when a friend and I had a guided tour. Earlier this week I was rapturous and so happy to see it looking exquisitely beautiful when I attended the AGM.

I don't think my level of French would withstand a performance but maybe if I can find an event that hasn't yet sold out I would love to dress in my finery and be chaperoned as part of the audience, as part of the theatre that the actors may or may not see when all the lights are shining upon THEM.  I would be in the dark in more ways than one!   I would be with the Godesses of Thalia and Mesopmene in Paradise!

You could read: 
http://www.ville-chatellerault.fr/grands-projets/ancien-theatre

L'Ancien Theatre in Chatellerault: 2

 These are images from the electronic presentation available to view in the 'peristyle' / foyer.

1495 Les Minimes positioned outside of the walled moated town of Chatellerault.

The Moat has long since been filled, but how or why or when I do not know!  In this 1495 engraving one can see the churches of St Jacques, the 10th century Roman church and St Jean the Evangelist. I find it Fascinating, the more I look. And when was the wall taken down?

The cheapest seats in the Gods are called Paradise.

The chapel window still exists but is bricked up.

Des baies géminées  can be seen here.

By now those who buy the cheapest seats go to the chicken run! 

Le gril is machinery which controls the raising and lowering of the sets 'de scene'.  I think it is fantastic that these were preserved and now restored.

2014

If you wish to hear in French then go to here

L'Ancien Theatre in Chatellerault: 1

  In future it will be called Theatre Blossac.
L'Ancien refers to the 'former' not 'ancient' theatre.
Now, re-instated it is situated on the Boulevard Blossac.

HOWEVER, it has been restored exquisitely, ambitiously and impeccably. 

It is a working theatre in the Italianate Style.
I recommend everyone to have a guided tour. 

HISTORY:
1495: A theatre was built in the chapel of the Convent of Minimes.
1791: It was purchased by the town council.
1804:  A wooden tower was destroyed.  I don't know which tower is referred to. The wood was recycled to build a simple amphitheatre with apx 400 seats to host meetings and Republican ceremonies.  It was organised by a charitable company whose aims were to "bring relief to poverty, promote the arts and provide residents with pleasant relaxation which would improve their morals." 
(Maybe the translation means morale!) 
1814: It was decided that a new theatre was required for the town.
1839 to 1844: A small neo-classical Italian theatre was built by Michel Delage, who was a mason in Châtellerault, according to designs by Louis Renaudet.
1860: It became a Municipal Theatre. I think it was called La Redoute because until recently that was the name of the hall in front of the concealed theatre and the hall upstairs.  "The cultural space now includes a theatre (in the nave of the old church), a peristyle attached to the front of the church and, upstairs, a fireplace and the room dedicated to La Redoute meetings concerts and balls." 
1899: The theatre was extended to seat apx 600 in the audience. The simple brown, blue and yellow decor was transformed with rich paintings, sculptures and embellishments of red and gold.  The sets, the curtain and the allegorical ceiling paintings and murals are the work of Emile Vernon, of the Ecole des Beaux-Arts de Tours.  
Émile Vernon, was born in 1872 and died in 1919. He was a student at the School of Fine Arts in Tours, France and received the premier prize for drawing in 1888.  He was taught and influenced by William Bouguereau and Auguste Truphème at the Ecole des Beaux-Arts in Paris.   In 1898, he participated in the Exhibition of Fine Arts and Decorative Arts in Tours.  He exhibited regularly until 1913, with portraits, landscapes and floral paintings.  He excelled in watercolour paintings of women and children in bright colours and bucolic scenery, and was well known for the portrait of Mrs.Vernon, Under the Lamp.
1945 to 1958:  although there were performances the building began to degrade becoming dangerous.
2012: Restoration began to replicate the Italianate theatre of 1899.  The foundations, roof, walls, stairway, plumbing, electricity, et cetera have all been updated according to current building regulations. Paintings and decorations have been restored: curtains, dressing rooms, benches, seats and theatre boxes, chairs in the balconies, the proscenium, cornices, friezes and IN FACT everything has all been replaced and or restored.  The machinery which operates the theatrical screens and sets has also been upgraded.In addition, a lift has been installed.  
Two stone muses, Thalia and Melopmene were returned to the facade of the theatre.
In Grecian Mythology the Muses were the inspirational goddesses of knowledge, of the arts, of music, song and dance and all were the source of inspiration to poets in the court of Zeus.  In very ancient times there were three Muses, but later there were nine.  
Each inspirational Muse received a name and spheres of responsibility or attributes:-

Calliope (epic poetry) 
Clio (history)
Erato (love and erotic poetry)
Euterpe (lyric poetry)
Melopmene (tragedy)
Thalia (comedy)
Polyhymnia (religious hymns)
Terpsichore (choral song and dance)
Urania (astronomy)

2013: The theatre was re-opened.  It has cost 5.85 million euros to restore.  The Heritage Foundation supported the restoration of the theatre. The work was overseen by Millet Key, an International firm associated with Arnaud de Saint-Jouan, Chief Architect of Historic Monuments. 25 companies were involved.

See next posting for more photographs.

Film Review: I used to be darker

I chose this film at the new FANTASTIC LOFT cinema because it was at a convenient time. There was 'Yves St Laurent' but Version Originale Sous-Titres (VOST) won!  I was the only one in Screen 6!  The title of the film is from the lyrics of one of the songs.  Matthew Porterfield: Director.  Released: September 2013.
A young Irish teenager has fled from her job in Wales. In fear, not knowing how to solve her problem, she has gone to seek refuge and shelter with her cousin, without realising that her aunt and uncle are experiencing a marital separation (love and loss). She's pregnant but takes a while to tell everyone (love and loss). Her friend has come home from college because of family crisis (love and loss).  She gets angry but is letting off steam for her own frustrations, inner hurt and quandary of how does one help anyone in crisis, let alone one's parents! There was anger from the father as he broke his guitar (love and loss).  There is release of love, everyone tried to be kind in their loss. There is obvious depression and frustration. There is redemption when lives are built up, then broken down. Life changes.  It brings the unexpected.  Nothing stands still.  It can be cruel and unkind.  The stories of the characters unfold.  There is an end to every beginning.  There is a beginning to every end. There was a sense of profundity to this film-story without an end as in everyday Life!
At first I wondered what I was doing watching such a movie about youngsters, but I sat through the glaringly, appallingly not-my-style-music.  At the end I discovered myself tapping a foot to a beautiful melody.  I wondered why the cinema lights had gone on!  It was the final song.
It was a film about letting go...but to go where?  As in real life, people wondered about their  experiences and were uncertain of how to solve emotional and pragmatic difficulties!  As in real life we go to the next experiences either of our own making or that have been circumstantially imposed upon us
It was a good film, one that I would recommend, for being gentle, even with the drama of anger and pain.  One could reflect. Occasionally the pace was a little slow, bringing a minor point of boredom when I fidgeted in my seat!

A Full Moon - A Rosie Moon

02.30 ish
I awoke disturbed  ...  I snuggled down beneath the duvets, but unusually these days, I wished for a cup of tea.  Then memory set in!  I told myself that as there was no 'servant for the princess', I COULD get up, get cold, get a cup of tea, get a hot water bottle ... and then I saw the moon ... my Cancerian sign... A full moon with a star / planet nearby. Was it Jupiter planet or star Regulus?   It was quite warm in my courtyard ... about 9C ...
I wanted to sit outside with someone and chat, hold hands!
"Come outside ... it's a lovely moon out 'ere"...
so I took my camera and tried to shoot the moon!
It had a whole circle of light around it, but distant from it.  I've not seen the circle that far away before. Although I have seen full moons with smaller nearer circles. I think the circles are to do with refracted light and ice crystals.  By 5h30am the circle around the moon had decreased to a small halo.

I have a grand niece born a few weeks or months ago... she has been called Rosie Moon.
I don't know whether I will ever see her because her grandmother, who is my sister, stopped seeing me 20 years ago!!!!!!! This may be a celebration of having a grand-niece that I will never know.  I was deprived of being an aunt, likewise my niece and nephew were deprived of knowing me!    Nevertheless, I bought this little French Esprit number, 100% cotton, to send to the new person!  It's aged 9 months so it will fit eventually! When I visited Sri Lanka the moon rabbit was mentioned: it's Asian folklore. 

I was interrupted from my sleep by various thoughts and dreams about love and lovers and my children and grandchild!  Then the need for tea prompted:  the futile words "I miss him". These entered my head. I sobbed for only a few seconds before laughing out aloud!  A speedy recovery! It was an acknowledgement to accept that I DO miss all the lovely things we had together...but not the anger. Maybe Anger was part of the Passion and I didn't know! but no one should have had to listen to what I did.  I chose to stay despite desperation many times to escape from it, knowing not where I could go whilst all my possessions were in his house!  Maybe, being the difficult woman that I am, (isn't everyone difficult?), I pressed some triggers / buttons ... but I know I was not the cause, for I never asked for it and I was not to blame!
My father's anger towards my mother was more than enough in my life and I never expected to see that level of uncontrollable rage again! It was outright mental, emotional, physical abuse to my mother and indirectly very damaging to us kids. At least my dear friend didn't throw all and sundry through the air as did my father. As children, when saucepans came flying through the kitchen, we would scamper up to our rooms.  I would read. We would wait a long time or to the next day before it was time to venture downstairs to see the damage or to know if the storm was over.  One day I had to help collect cacti spines that had been embedded in the carpet...whhooosssh swiped from the window-sill with his wild moon madness!

I am thinking positively.  It is OK to miss someone. It is OK to mourn the loss of love. And indeed all that loss of friendship and support IS what I mourn!  He was a bestest friend.  It's OK to feel that!  It's OK to mourn the loss of Passion and Earthly, bodily functions that occur between people.  By feeling it, maybe it, the emotion deep within me, will heal!  BUT I THINK NOT. I accept it. I accept who I am!
I thought in the course of finding new passion and new friends, male and female, platonic and otherwise, going out into society, being busy with my life, it would decrease and so it has ... but here, alone though never lonely, tucked away in a village space that I love, there is a deep-down-hollow-place.
I am not ashamed to express this publicly.  It is not to shame anyone. I have thought hard and long about that. But I do believe in truth and so I have a vow to tell a truth when questioned or when the situation arises.  I'm not going to cause any level of deception. To avoid REALITY is a lie. It is not even attention seeking. I should really be writing the book ... The first words of the first pages always different, have often recently come to me when I am in the bath or lying horizontal. Then I arise and they disappear... so several starts have been finished! In the past many years I have often wondered why I can think whilst horizontal and then when I arise the words disappear.

LOSS ..... there it is..... in NEON lettering in my dream in March 2010 about 4 to 6 weeks before I bought my house, before he, I suspect, fearing that I was going to leave him, pushed me away first, to save his own fears of being rejected and abandoned, because I suppose that is what he had felt... history had bought us there... to that place in time...
I never ever meant to hurt him with my own anger about the world...
and I never wish to receive such anger ever again in my life! 
I remembered times when living together...times when he would regularly wake in the middle of the morning...   For some years it was because I thrashed about...but after he started to sleep by himself and when he lived solo again, I realised that I had been blamed for something that was not my fault despite the grains of truth.  Yes, I might have disturbed his quietude but as he had a pattern of waking early and still has, then it wasn't only me!

and so ... I REMEMBERED that on a few occasions when I couldn't sleep or we'd got something to talk about he would bring me tea in bed... and we would sit and hold hands together .. and for the first time in over 4 years I was thinking about the togetherness that tea and passion can bring... it was the last thing that really woke me up.
Before that, were other thoughts ... about being a surrogate grandma (rentagranny), about being a grandma that is not there with my own granddaughter, about the lack of communication she gives towards me when I am there though I have tried,  about how I try to support my own children when they don't seem to do what I need them to do to help themselves especially if I've stepped into help them.      So many thoughts... and many a moon madness... but I know that it is purely my struggle to make sense of my life... the past, present and the future, to make sense of who I am and why I need my friends around me and why I want to keep friends with my former lovers who have been truly worthy mentors and the bestest of friends who know me so well!  And yes, I have done my share of mooning over the men I have loved and still love!!!!!!!!!  It's my journey!

Feeling the pain and rising above it........

I felt the breeze change last night. Autumn cometh.
The weather has changed: temperatures  in / out  for day / night have been similar for some time BUT NOW a 10C degree difference between outdoors / indoors accompanies the rain, scuppering an idea to clear the wood pile! Sabotage!

I feel Life's tempest brewing ......

I haven't posted because living alone allows too much opportunity for introspective thinking on making sense of this world and I am fast coming to the conclusion there is NO SENSE:  it is all NON SENSE!
LIFE is short.  Perhaps it has to be enjoyed no matter how hedonistic.  I've invested too much time and energy in the man that I thought I loved. I know I did love him even back in 1998 when first we became unstable.  Why has it lasted so long? Why does it take so long to heal? 

MY STRUGGLE IS THAT I HAVE deeply rooted PRINCIPLES of prudishness, pride, honesty, loyalty, integrity, decency and dignity and feel that I should be honoured and cherished for my womanhood and that THAT is also what I should offer for any man who wants to be with me!
BUT IT AINT ALWAYS LIKE THAT!!!!!!
I've made errors of judgement with my principles / behaviour but I don't have to punish who I am. 
One tries to go with the flow of life... tries to keep busy... tries to keep calm and reflect, consider motives for what I WANT TO DO IN MY LIFE, now that someone says I am a liberated woman with a thousand voices and says I rock his boat !
How nice! How flattering but it can't last!
BUT then the dream and reality of unreality crashes on the rocks! The rock is on a stormy sea. I clearly contributed to The Previous One's behaviour.  it wasn't all my fault even though he blamed and criticised me for my imperfections, failings, weaknesses. THAT is exactly what he worked upon to keep me down whenever I got strong.

Why is it that my rebellious teenager or my playtime seeking child won't listen to my adult? 
 
How much can anyone ever believe anyone?
How much can anyone trust others ... or is it all to be interpreted as a pack of lies as each one of us in the world seeks to meet our own individual needs in a selfish world?
Have I become too cynical?
Have I too much time to think?
Is it because I've been down on the floor so many times, picked myself up, dusted myself down and started all over again that I will keep doing that until I learn what it is I need to learn?
Someone please shout at me the blindingly obvious!
How can anyone ever protect themselves from the pain that is bound to come when one has had pleasure or feels bliss when it all disintegrates?
I get blissful whilst on my bike, whilst looking out with wonder across stubbled fields, clover, fields where millet ripens, huge leaved crops that must be the Nicotiana family ... tobacco,  yellow and green sunflowers in serried ranks, praising the SUN, which I do too ...... I bow my head as I eat my apple and praise God for the fact that I am alive and mobile and my happiness pours forth into the world.
I need to be emotionally inert.  That's a laugh a minute ... it'll happen when I am dead!
One tries to see good in everyone ... and know that as human beings we all feel the same ...
One tries to be compassionate and caring. I do try to love who I am and what I am so that I can share that love with others. It all sounds so trite.
One tries to know purpose in life and to what degree of fulfilment one could achieve for Self and to give to others.
I wish to meet new people, go to new places, hear new stories, do new things, see culture, so that I can learn more about REALITY.
I want to go travelling, be a hobo, but the time is not yet here.
There is a roof to be re-roofed, a kitchen to be gutted,  a bunion to be lanced, logs to be collected / delivered / stacked and how to do this with a hobbly foot will be interesting and then the rest....
This the former professional, a sometimes feisty woman who used to juggle two kids as a single parent with a full-time teaching commitment working all hours that God sent in order to prove my worth (the failing school grew from a roll of 30 ish children to 120 on roll when I was Acting Head [for my sins]). I studied for my degree status  at the same time. Before that the three of us lived in a house with subsidence where inside temperatures were below zero! Was I too busy with my job to take care of me and my kids. On reflection it did not seem to be enough but it has to be because it cannot be redone!

Mindful in solitude, I try to do the following but make little headway because of self-sabotage. 
1. Wake up ... go to sleep.
2. Eat and drink a balanced diet to lose weight before the foot incapacitates me for 3 to 6 months.
3. Exercise - I spent too long on my bottom last winter.  This Summer into Autumn I am proud of activity. I can easily walk fast for an hour in the morning and cycle for an hour or two each afternoon / evening.  It is not enough. BUT is enough for someone who had M.E., who could not walk between two groynes on a beach without a helping hand, who had to crawl up the stairs and shuffle down on her bottom, who fell asleep whilst the kettle boiled!
4. TRY to tick off jobs and tasks...e.g. currently having to make a decision on MUTUELLE payments as this is a task that has been shelved for 7 years and the recent enquiry with quotes is one year old... I have to pay out for my health costs because I have chosen to live in France. Only a percentage is picked up by the NHS... (what is that these days?)  Other goals must be to decide how to purchase a new vehicle so I pray that my little Clio keeps on moving....
5. TRY to Sort & Clear out STUFF I have not used, do not use, will never use again... Whew that is such a challenge!!!!!!  There in my attic are family photos ... newspaper cuttings, memorabilia, treasured items of monetary and emotional value...  There on my computer are photographic memories and a muddled collection of writings....and the whole story needs strategic thinking and a million ways of threshing to dump or keep in an honoured way. It's pretty scary to open sealed boxes from the past, when memories good and bad arrive to hit one in the head and heart. Currently the floor is littered with books not sold at the Books Festival ... not the same as a UK Literary Festival! but that is what this village needs to do.  It is stuck in old ways and is not keeping up with modernity... One can't keep presenting the same format... We did that at school for sports day and barbecue nights and then someone came and shook it all up!!!!! It needed a revamp and so did we, the staff!
6. TRY to think clearly, proactively. logically. No thinking would be good too.
7. TRY to formulate ideas for a plan for the future!
8. Laugh A Minute!    It keeps a level of sanity in the why of why this has happened in my life.

It's my blog... I can write about what I choose.