The eleventh of twelve

On the eleventh day of Christmas
Love came yesterday
in the form of a cheerful card from my son and his wife.

with two gifts which made me feel humble and tearful, knowing that despite all the difficulties we do love each other.  There have been too many years of hurt and pain ... Life isn't easy and the mouth soon opens when it is better to keep quiet!  I am hoping we can move to the future!
One gift is a jar of 100 capsules of "green lipped mussels" recommended by my son's wife for arthritis (they knew of my recent temporary lumbar paralysis).

One gift is delicious Chinese teaballs that open into a flower in the teapot ... just as in Wagamama's... mmmmm...
The best gift though was his simple touching sentence about hoping to catch up in 2016.
Ah... yes please.
However, I did phone just before New Years Eve. The post took 12 days to arrive!   Still, I would like us all to meet.  B has never been to France in 12 years to see where I live.  S has been but on each occasion was treated inappropriately and hurt by anger, thoughts of betrayal and my inability to be a go between.
I live in HOPE that we can be Family again!!!   That would be the best gift ever!

Yesterday and Today

Yesterday was full of rain and cold and drear! I lacked confidence, was full of doubt,  felt responsible for the weather, found myself apologising,  hearing myself say, 'but it's not my fault'.  I was embarrassed by the number of overwhelming tasks / jobs I need help with.  Down, down, down.
(I don't think I was nearly as mature and understanding of the elderly as they are at their age!!!!!!!!)

M. was fine as we settled to sort photos ... and negatives .. remember those? !  A jolt down memory lane to my former English home, which my last partner helped me to renovate, and..., oh my..., look at what we created, and look at what we took apart... and left... I was and am so saddened.

However, if I was still there I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have met the wonderful people I have met nor would I have had, and am having, the amazingly challenging tear-jerking or laughter-making experiences.
What has LIFE been all about when so much of MY LIFE has gone and so little is left? 
Make the most of it while I can and if I am down, down, down,  I have the choice and opportunity to change it for up, up, up.

So,  she and I sorted the photos into a set for HER and a set for HIM, because when I left HIS house, four to five years ago, to come to HER house,  I took the photos of MT house in UK, intending to divide them up!  ... and now, after ten years, I have!!!  What HE does with HIS set is not my business but he will be given them!  More importantly, quite a few of those hard-copy photos reached the rubbish bin!  My set is now in two albums. M. did an excellent job of sorting muddled photos and negatives of that 2/3rds of a Tudor former inn.

After much weeping and wailing which didn't actually last too long, she and I seemed to bond as women, and we managed to laugh through the task.  One fun thing to do was to complete an album from about 1995 (??) when my son and I went to Spain. That was after my father died!   We had backpacks but hired a car to drive from Barcelona to Orihuela and return. It was a great DRIVE... I could have gone allthe way around the edge!  Lovely again to to see my son so young in photos and to remember Elche and Rioja!

I think my down mood on such a grim wet dark day was SAVED by the greeting cards I found welcoming my daughter into the world.  Funny that her 'birth' day was the day before I re-discovered them!!!!!  Such a pleasure to see 1978 style 'BABY GIRL" cards and messages inside from some people I am not in touch with anymore!

I think F. felt frustrated by yesterday's weather, as did we all!  It was so bleak.  First of all he took my new Ikea trolley out of its box and put it together.  He called it the  'vegetable shelves'.  I liked that!   Then he was impressed by the new indoor or exterior lights I bought ages ago which needed to be connected, but I couldn't work out how to make them light up... I am impractical!  Negative destructive thoughts of  'how could I be so dumb' is what I thought!!!!  Evidently, I can buy more and make a longer string!  Ooh... I may just do that. Sod the cost!

Then he volunteered to work outdoors in the rain, to investigate what needs to be done to repair wooden gates at the barn down the lane, and to establish for himself what tools and resources I own and what are owned by my former partner.  All left in my possession.  I have full permission to use what I will!  Eventually, he repaired one screw in the main garden gate... such a little task, but it secures the keep on the latch and is extremely important.  I was so grateful.  He was so wet!!!!! Then, bless him, he wanted to de-nail the timbers in the newly re-roofed attic and was gone for a couple of hours. I must go up and see what he has done!

Throughout the day I battled with being in a gloop of depression, which was really a kind of sadness and eventually an Ibuprofen sorted it as well as some lively music.  It is lovely to have people to feed but takes my time! It is inspirational to have people stay who appreciate food.  The evening meal was delicious - two slices of lambs liver cut into small pieces in a creamy tarragon sauce with cauliflower leaves and florets, julienne carrots and Ciabbata rolls that M. made!  OK, it was a prepared flour mix but she has always let her sister do the cooking.  I made a Pear Meringue Tart and a Hazelnut Torte because egg whites needed to be used.  We were stuffed!  I am eating more than I normally would!

They wished me to play the piano so had to endure two Chopin Nocturnes plus two pieces from the film 'The Piano' composed by Michael Nyman.  The deal was that they would sing and play Friday evening but then we had a musical soirée.  She has a beautiful voice and he plays guitar well... a couple of 'The Doors' pieces. This was followed by a discussion about something I did not understand, so I showed him a video of the Stroh instruments played by a French theatrical, musical group who I know... then he showed me videos of guitar playing by Bob Brozman.

Today I got up at nine but they didn't get up until ten and started work at 10h30!!!!!! But by then the sun was shining and although they looked reluctant without adequate clothing, for the wind was keen and bitter,  they were bossed about by me.  I laughed heartily, yet severely when I told them I was bossy when necessary!!! They had to wear a hat!! "Choose one of these"... and a gilet and a coat or jacket... "Choose from these" is what I said!!!   "You can shed them as you get warmer."   They did not understand this use of the verb 'to shed'.  So they worked for an hour and I took them coffee and Epiphany cake.   Then they worked another hour and a half and I made them Red kidney bean and Red pepper soup, lemony with sage, served with ciabatta. Pear tart was to follow!

I explained to these two that in January, despite my own rules which I break,  the weather is inclement for starting much before 9 or 10 in the morning. One awaits the sun rising above the village roofs to shine on my garden!
BUT WOW... today they forked over and weeded three sections of my potager AND made the fourth quarter ...  all this in addition to work on Tuesday and Wednesday where they have finished widening the rose and lavender bed! How I love them! In addition, they moved weeds to the trailer (dechetterie trip next week) and moved logs exposed to rain when wind whipped off the bache to the space in the sheltered area where logs have disappeared since October!

POSTSCRIPT TO SUSAN's comment below:
The soil appears to be remarkably friable this year ... most of it only needed a light fork even though it was of course wet with the amount of RAIN we have endured!  Hey ho! My back has been saved and what would have taken four weeks 'potager' digging has been achieved in a few days. I did a few rows of forking over to demonstrate technique!  Last year or the year before I added a lot of 5 year old chicken manure... I also added wood ash from the woodburner, wood shavings and oak bark dust once I have sieved the oak bark.  Waste veg matter is just dug in randomly!  I don't bother to compost!

Meanwhile, whilst monitoring progress in the garden, I discovered my son's school reports plus his photographic accomplishments...so am sorting those into a chronological order and boxing up!!!!!!!!

My Italian helpers went to sleep. I took a fast walk, whereupon at apx six pm, for it is still daylight 'twixt twilight, I became aware of bird song which I have not heard for so long. Then, Blackbird trilled. When I reached ' The American Way' I returned along the road from whence I had travelled. A tawny owl hooted hhhhhhhhhooooooo.  I felt full of the joys of Spring. So happy!!!!!!

Today, the artisan came to instal a shower screen... the para-douche!  I only waited three days.   It was bought at the end of October.  Previously, I never found one that I liked. Now I've completed the action but the glass tiles I think do not have the correct grouting. Hey ho!  BUT ...How glad I am!!!!!!!!  It's another hymn I am remembering!!

Glad that I live am I;
That the sky is blue;
Glad for the country lanes,
And the fall of dew.

After the sun, the rain,
After the rain the sun;
This is the way of life,
Till the work be done.

All that we need to do,
Be we low or high,
Is to see that we grow,
Nearer to God on high.

Santa One, Santa Two

 I smiled when I reached my village at six thirty of an evening. A good omen! The second joy was that Big Feet the Cat came running along from the rear garden entrance to the roadside when she heard my car! Now she is nestled on the settee in front of a roaring woodburner. Arriving home after a week’s absence, the temperature in bedroom and kitchen was 10C, the grand salon 12C rising to 17C, the courtyard 6C, Chauvigny street 4C.  There was evidence of rain, whereas before the flight descended to Poitiers, there was beautiful sunshine. Left that in England! Five hot water bottles are in bed as I haven’t bought that electric blanket! My family always called them hotties!

It was a fairly good week unfortunately marred by daughter being under par when I arrived and then she and grand-daughter suffered a tummy bug for three days, luckily without vomiting. Many children were absent from school and some hospital wards were closed.  I never managed to see my mother, as the day I could have hired a vehicle, I didn’t.  Although disappointed not to have seen her I can’t feel guilty that I too was feeling low and tired. Certainly didn’t wish to take her any illness. Fortunately, I haven’t succumbed. I saw some friends and not others. I didn’t buy clothes or shoes as there was no time, yet, I did collect more weight than I took, having to remove 2kg from checked in baggage to cabin baggage! 

HOWEVER, the best gift of all was that I was allowed to take Francesca out without parental chaperones for the FIRST time in SIX YEARS!  Mother can begin to let go! Gran'mama can be!  Not-so-little-one-anymore was ill on Monday but the school didn’t send her home! She missed the school carol concert and so did I!  I never managed to treat her after school as planned but maybe this was better.  It was agreed that after three days indoors we would go to see Santa on a Saturday afternoon. Gran’mama and little one, growing ever taller, walked hand in hand into the city trying to avoid the crowds. ‘Quel horreur’, when she said she needed to go to the toilet. I explained that I didn’t know where they were, then suspected a ruse when she said that there were reindeer in the Mall, the old Mall that I avoid at all possible costs. One couldn’t take a risk, so we nipped into John Oliver restaurant, which I dislike, but I knew where the loos were!  Trying to avoid going to the department store first, I asked which Santa she would prefer to go to but then I had a wheeze of an idea! It would be unlikely for her to believe in HIM, after the age of seven. "I tell you what Francesca, would you like to see TWO Santas?”  We laughed conspiratorially together when I suggested we could make a comparison, explaining the meaning of the word!  I felt like a naughty girl, freed from parental control and about to have some fun!  Ooohhh, Santa One and Santa Two. Gran'mama hadn’t seen Santa for a very long time! Whhhooopppeee!  Francesca chose to go to The Stranger Hall Museum first. We paid £5 but had to wait for the next slot in half an hour.  Therefore, I paid £3.50 to visit the house, which I had never been into in all the time I had lived near that city!  This is fun… there is a sixpence finding trail… each has a letter, unravel the letters to find which day in the year is special for mixing Christmas Puddings. Knowing the answer made this easy, as I wasn’t sure what size sixpences we were looking for! Eventually after four rooms I found a paper one about 20cm diameter! We backtracked and found one more … eventually we found 4 out of 6 letters, filled in the last two, showed the Victorian lady in the kitchen whom we had already spoken to about Christmas puds and Victorian money in her table display.  (I had to correct her when she spoke about holly as a pudding decoration when she was holding a sprig of bay leaves!!!!!  Hm??? What kind of English education is this!!!!!????)  Francesca won her reward of a size of a sixpence Christmas pudding – a foil wrapped chocolate ball!

Santa was BRILL! Very Victorian - red not green! He spoke very eloquently. Francesca had a charming conversation with him and Alf the Elf, who disappointingly was in his normal clothes wearing an elfin headdress. She received a wrapped present, delighted to open a history book including pictures and the story of Guido Fawkes and the Great Fire of London, which she has been studying at school. 

Next was the large department store where she was confident to purchase her ticket at the cash desk and work out how much change from a £10 note… easy peasy for her - £6.  On both occasions she was asked t spell her name ( it doesn't have a 'h')  and was complemented on an Italian name!  This Santa did have a real beard but when the reindeer feeding timetable was updated by a man in mufti instead of looking as if he was a Santa’s little helper, I was aghast when my dear granddaughter announced, having watched Santa arrive from his lunch break, that he was not real!!!!!!!!! Younger ears were present as we were third in the queue!  Full marks to the assistant who managed to allay reality and told Santa through the window that she doubted his reality!  Santa being well trained, understood what to say.  She could choose from the piles of toys in the grotto providing she left him some food for his reindeer!  She chose a soft turtle with goo goo green eyes. All kiddies could have a red balloon!  Actually it was Gran'mama who could reach the string to pull it from the ceiling. These days the parents pile in to the grotto and one can ask to take a photo of child with Santa. I thought it was all good value and great fun for me!!!!!!!

Afterwards it was pizza and ice cream as promised but not to the dreaded Pizza hut and express requested. We compromised with “Giraffe!” The main purpose of the visit was to see family and rid myself of French cabin fever. The weather was kind and so were my friends and family! It was mostly joyful! 

In memory of a father

Nineteen years ago my father died as a result of a traffic accident in Spain where he lived:
This poem and the following hymn came to me on the day of his funeral. I read and sang impromptu at his funeral where there was no other family member apart from myself and daughter:

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

1932 by Mary Elizabeth Frye

HYMN
Peace is flowing like a river,
Flowing out through you and me;
Flowing out into the desert,
Setting all the captives free.

with extra verses beginning with: 
Joy is flowing like a river, ...
Faith is flowing like a river, ...
Hope is flowing like a river, ...
Love is flowing like a river, ...

It was a significant moment in my life.
My sister chose not to come to Spain as planned, did not share the inheritance and terminated all contact with me.  So my niece and nephew were deprived of growing up with their cousins. Shame!
I often wonder if I will ever see her again and much more.

En Angleterre

It was rather hectic but I absolutely loved it.

I stayed a few days with my cousin's daughter and family and tried to support them in their latest angst. Then onto Sussex and the most delightful of cottages. I was lucky. It was a beautiful thatched cottage which I highly recommend to rent.  The owners were lovely and apart from a few mosquitoes I had a lovely time.....but then my own home is pestered with mosquitoes! Difference is I have a mosquito net!   I loved Arundel and Chichester.  So pretty, calm and assuringly steeped in history. I also visited Rye on my journey from Ashford to Littlehampton.  What an exquisite village.
Maybe I will tell you more about these villages in a later posting.

Apart from the prep for and clearing up of my son's wedding at which I did not help as much as I would have liked to .... (everyone did their bit)...  and apart of course from attending the lovely ceremony, I walked on a lovely SSI beach in Sussex. Then in Suffolk another SSI beach and how wonderful to be free from litter.

The next two weeks disappeared as quickly as the first two! Suffice it to say there was Englishness :

A day's journey to visit mother and brother
Barbecues and bunting 
Crabbing buckets with bacon
Dunwich 10 miles there and back
English scones and raspberry jam
Fish and chips, flying kites, flag on the sandcastles
Gigs in pubs
Hula hoops
Ice creams
James and Katie
Laughter as we climbed the lighthouse up and down the spiral staircase
Meals in pubs with Ad
Nams

Olympic torch flame carried past the cottage
Picnics in the dunes, paddling in the sea, promenade on the pier,
Questions from little ones and those who are so tall

Running along with wind in our hair
Shared meals
Tired people
Union Jack flags wherever we go
Umbrellas abandoned when rain stopped
Vicky and co aboard a river boat
Walks along beach to harbour, across common and marshes,

X,Y, Zee and Camarderie,

Thank you England and despite the weather I had a whale of a time and laughed for 4 weeks!

Pomp and Pageantry

I love  P & P & Circumstance. Even though I disapprove of the public cost of Royalty,  I believe that in a modernist world they probably do help charities. However, there are so many people who could have benefited from the cost of those seats on the barge that the Queen would not sit on!
The public fund in UK has been slaughtered and yet who knows how much the 4 days of celebrations for the Queen have truly cost.  This could have helped pensioners, those with disabilities, children and what do we hear??? Oh yes cut the taxes on Granny flats!!!!! It's only those who are more rich who have Granny Annexes!   So the flagrant use of public funding does make me boil!

Since Diana's death magnified an emotional outpouring of the Nation, giving a public outlet for bereavement and loss, I confess, I became fascinated by some members of the Royal Family.  I believe that because we have a Land of Hope and Glory (thank you, Sir Edward Elgar) it is better to keep a Monarchy than to have a Presidency.   Rule Britannia  is what I say!  And all the music that has been generated for Royal events.  We've been lucky with the type of Monarchy that has been created and established over the last 60 years.  In my opinion, England / UK has been fortunate since 1952 and after WWII.  I am grateful that the Monarchy / Government / World  produced freedom and peace in Europe and that I have been lucky to have experienced the kindnesses of humanity.  I love my country. I like the fact that I am British and that the United Kingdom is the home for so many international peoples. Yet I love France and Europe too. I love the diversity of people, culture, places and systems of celebration.
 
However, I wonder as to where all the clothing goes once worn.  I wonder about the cost to the private person like me and what the minor royals do to justify their existence.  Perhaps the Jubilee has given people an opportunity to communicate with each other and be friends and develop community.  However, a previous neighbour who promoted such street parties and bon homie became very bitter, rude and spiteful after breaking through a Georgian stud wall into my property.  Therefore, I am left to wonder about the "street party bash" and the degree that it can help to transform neighbourliness.

Without a television, it was a pleasant surprise and pleasure that I could watch the flotilla live on my Apple Mac whilst living in France. Thank you BBC and those who dreamt up the idea and organised it! But again wouldn't the funding have been better utilised?

I really don't like the coinage of the term "New Elizabethans" and I nearly vomited when I heard CAM oron, woops spelling mistake M. Cameron sycophanting about her Majesty! If perhaps it was Neo-Elizabethans I could cope!!!!!

A cucumber sandwich made with my home-made poppyseed and mint bread was enjoyed with Saumur demi-sec bubbly! Very nice and as equal to a Cremant de Loire or Cremant d'Alsace which I prefer to champagne, unless it's an expensive one, of which I rarely have imbibed!

NOSTALGIA
Tomorrow I might make a "Victoria sandwich" for nostalgia, you understand!!!!!!! I rarely make one preferring to make other types of cake. It was my version and with pineapple!!

I remember being 3 and sitting at long tables at the Coronation party in what was eventually my High School,

I remember the Queen's Silver Jubilee when my son won first prize in the village fancy dress competition. We still have the Jubilee sovereign. A tea-towel, wrapping paper to make a hat, a windmill, a flag, his blue school jumper and trousers! It was one of the only fancy dress events my children have ever participated in!

ADDENDUM June 4th
It's not surprising that Philip is ill... We saw the Queen go downstairs... but he did not, me thinks. Conditions were perishing and even I would have required several toilet breaks, hot tea and a hot water bottle.  They did not wear suitable warm woolly blankets to keep out the rain and chill and at their age more consideration should have been given to that than Pomp and Pageantry. The lady would not sit down and so neither could anyone else.