I help my Self when I help others. Conversely, I hurt my Self when I hurt someone else. When we care for others we care for our Inner Self. Some people have a greater propensity for helping others. Others appear self-absorbed, selfish, self-centred.
As I explore "Who I am", in what I perceive to be a small niche in a complicated world, I realise that I don't want to be involved in friendships or relationships that feel as if a game or part of a game is being played. At the same time, I have been trying NOT to play games with my inner Self; trying not to play with words, sentiments or emotions. More frequently I am of the opinion that it's hard to rely upon myself as well as that some people cannot always be relied upon as everyone appears to be in a state of flux - a state of busy-ness. I hadn't really appreciated the fluidity of change in the Human Condition. It annoys me if people blow hot and cold, play with emotions, yet, I believe that genuine friendship will stand the test of time and the most difficult of times.
I wish for honest, open, sincere, genuine, non-manipulative, non-controlling relationships and friendships, where there is mutual respect, trust, understanding of the individual, intrinsic kindness, care, tolerance, patience. I seek people who do not have fantastical expectations, who work within REALITY/NORMALITY and who accept imperfections and limitations. MaintainingTRUE friendships despite distance or close proximity is difficult even if people are true to their word, thought or deed.
I have a college friend from 46 years ago! Despite years between meet-ups it always feels natural, normal, honest and committed. She's a hoot, yet terribly sensible whereas I am reckless at times. She's been through a different Hell, yet we both have survived our ordeals.
Ah... The Parable of the Sower. I like the analogy that being part of a relationship / friendship is like being one of the plants in the soil. In poor soil we become stunted. If the soil is good we mature. Therefore good relationships communicate honestly without fear. Bad relationships aren'tt good for anyone. People seek positive friendships rather than negative ones which are not for our growth. I'm trying to weed out unhelpful undergrowth!!!
I can't help but be naive and vulnerable. It is who I am or have been. The world has so much for me to learn about. However, I DO try hard not to expect from anyone, to live in REALITY even though I am RESTLESS IN FRANCE.
Four years have passed and I realise that this is where my dearest friend and I went wrong; a form of enmity arrived. We differed on basics, yet were close to each other, co-dependent, hanging on from abject fears, perhaps. How very strange! We expected too much from each other which led to disappointment, rejection, abandonment and becoming stuck in a rut. We were drowning and couldn't survive. Life became stagnant, unfruitful, frightening as we began to age in another country without the natural intervention of family and friends. It wasn't encouraging growth and it was heading for destruction. Four years ago, I bought a house and there was hope for a new plan but the damage had been done. Now I value my freedom and the peace I find within me. I thank him for releasing me from what became a prison for my soul and maybe his! I know now I was in a different prison before I met him! At last, recently, he confessed that he finds it impossible to control his anger. WOW, a turning point. So, is he saying it wasn't only me!!!!!!! I tried to say anger is a waste of energy.
I understand anger because I know anger and also I find it hard to control emotional outpourings, words and tears. That is also a waste of energy! Although, I've known this for almost ten years, I accept it because it is my way of understanding and learning about me and people who didn't understand my capacity to just well up with tears. There have been times when I never knew why I cried but most of that is sorted. The crying hasn't competely stopped because I also cry in joy and acute happiness BUT generally I am lighter of spirit, more fun to be with, relinquishing the story and gaining other tales. "More natural and positive and it suits me", says my cousin.
Open-ness, facing Truth about "Who I am", my strengths and weaknesses will help me to better communicate with others and to better communicate with my inner SELF.
Honesty has to exist with all the people I meet. I'm not afraid to tell what I perceive to be my truth. If another person doesn't like it and wants to be jealous, angry or whatever, then it isn't my problem. I'm not intimidated by the angry moment. I faced my angry father after he died and lived alongside anger from the person who I thought was the love-of-my-life. The pain of unrequited love is often too much to bear but I am dealing with it! I've had to come to terms with my own passive, interior anger which would eventually erupt like Volcanic Etna in frustration. To my utter shame. The ending of my career was when the management team who should have been caring, taking responsibility to guide me, not to denigrate me, did not help me to see that I was ill when I became angry!
A person is not an island. We need friends indeed and in deed; people to support and help us understand worldly issues, the living and the dead from a different perspective.
It broke my heart that I couldn't live in HIS house without HIS friendship. The man I liked disappeared. I was lost. We had to part, because we had to give each other the freedom to grow in a better soil, somewhere that would suit our needs, give us nourishment to suit our differing personalities, interests, beliefs. It annoys me that he won't talk to show that he acknowledges the facts...It can't be cured. there is no going back! Maybe the 'books' are right and one just has to 'move on'. Recently, I see a glimpse of the person I loved and who he once was ( and probably is), yet I know it will not die, even though I hope in the future I will truly love others. True friendship never dies.
This last week as I respond to helping him sell his house, I become more aware of the deep non-romantic LOVE that I had and maybe have for my former partner. For many years when people asked me HOW do I love that man who has hurt me so deeply inside, I always described it as a form of Compassion. I've witnessed his suffering and never knew what to do about it or how to help him. At the same time, I struggled with my own suffering. He couldn't support me any more than I him! It wasn't easy to live with that person for the rest of my life...nor him with me.
'Wheels are moving' is an expression I have acquired to describe changes. I FEEL CONFIDENT that despite the past, it does not prevent me from LOVING HIM.... even though he and I have changed.... I struggled with this concept for a long time. It seemed wrong but now I see that it isn't! Our deeper friendship has stood the test of Time. I know that I can let him go on his adventures and be happy for him. I may be very naive but I feel it is the TRUTH. There is honesty from me to him, who has supported me in a weird way these last ten years!
I've written this because my blog has oftentime veered from house renovation to a story of struggle, a story of how I came to be here in France, of what I do, how I think/feel, attempting to make sense of what surrounds us. It is about THE NOW as well as THE PAST and I know that THIS IS THIS and the future is beyond my complete control. All that withstanding, I learn about society and aspects which affect emotional and psychological states about which I have panicked and wept copiously.
I've been travelling whilst I consider the words of this posting.
The sun rises on the horizon and until it sets I will attempt to be more compassionate for my friends and family. In the last few weeks I've received positive comments. I don't write all this to receive that...
I write to bare my soul.... to show I am weak, frail, insignificant in this vast world but yet I am strong, a survivor with the gift of LIFE and LIVING.
I don't yet want it to stop... let me be on that carousel and make the world go round in JOY!
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