It's a form of expression....
it's about how my criticism of others is really about me... about blowing hot and cold, running like the wind in fear, for fear of insecurity, self doubt; also in fear of showing loving kindness, for fear of getting hurt!; STRUGGLE!
Well.... I quote my daughter, to say "that the past is not the future", even though I am 'trying to let go' of many things and many people. I haven't wanted to let go! Trust in myself has broken down, yet again. I discover it must be re-constructed, just when I thought I was doing OK! Too much time to think. It becomes a vicious circle... unwanted negative thinking blocks out positive thinking and then good connections with others. I have laughed with certain people but in the last week I have vented anger at my two offspring. I am ashamed of that. I appear to be making a porridge of problems for my inner soul and others who are nearest and dearest to me. 'Get a grip'.
I am not running. I tried being still, secluded, solitary, tried my hardest to be 'face to face' looking in the mirror, acknowledging who I am, trying to prevent childhood pouring forth, trying to prevent past mistakes looming like spectral phantoms, trying to stop criticism and blame that I taught others and that others gave me when all those words work at self sabotage.
Staying still in this French space with peace and silence surrounding me may not be the correct thing to be doing as once I thought. I walk out of the house and see that mighty, magnificent towering chateau against the colour of the sky and then the world is wonderful.
My life doesn't have to be darkness. How did it get like this?
It is said that if something isn't working it has to be thrown away, repaired and fixed. I don't wish to discard my life. It does have to be repaired.
However, if my adult children don't, can't, won't acknowledge the fact that I HAVE been trying for many years to solve problems and that it is a process that they must also help with, then I am not solely responsible, if, eventually, inadvertently distance grows deeper with grievances about past and current behaviour. I can understand why we blame our parents but we are not to blame as parents or as children for having tried to do the best that we could with the resources and circumstances that were available at the time. Mea culpa. The point is that as a family we are rarely together so friendship takes a toll. One can't know and identify with others unless we meet, moreover, unless we communicate! There is the internet and social media to connect us and of course, I can't make offspring use it!
I do have to change MY STORY. They have to change theirs! There has to be change in life for learning to be achieved. My wish is to fulfil my dream of having a happy family.
Events and Emotions since the beauty of the Ile de Ré seem to have plummeted into an abyss.
How to stop wallowing in self pity? ... it is true that I remind myself of good fortune, but the mind ensures that dark clouds are somewhat stormy.
I ask me to 'be gentle with myself'... and others... to be less judgmental.
I must work harder at achieving a balance; accept highs and lows, accommodate time with people and time without, enjoy the pleasure of daily hard work and the terror of clearing years of stuff, enjoy life when distracted from that chore, appreciate letting go, stop worrying about the past and the future! Enjoy the beauty of the NOW!
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