Here it comes... lalalalah!

.. . flames from the sun in June..
WE have had three days of high temperatures and a BLUE SKY! 
Out with winter - in with summer! 
Out with wet - in with dry.
Out with woodburners and in with alfresco eating!
Out with indoor tasks and in with gardening..
Sunday was a weather transition day and a rest from work day.
What is the meaning of the word "rest"?
A new route was discovered on an old railway track. Take the car across the departement border, park up, walk the lanes to arrive at a straightish track.   It can be walked or cycled ... involves some roads. More later!
After a two and a half hour walk I mowed one lawn for two hours... The next day the other lawn but the mower forced me to stop after an hour and a half.  The next day another hour and it was mostly finished but the wall and fence wildness needs taking control!  Grass cuttings were left as it was quicker.   The grass was getting too long!  I prefer to collect the mowings!  Then my legs became wobbly with that old known feeling that hasn't happened for a long while, so I stopped knowing a town drive and shop had to be achieved because the stock cupboard is low.  
I like to ensure that I have replacements for food and household stuffs. Hate running out of stock cupboard items. No one to borrow  cup of sugar from here, although the village shop is a blessing. When one goes to the town which is a 40 minute drive one has to do other tasks to also justify the journey! It can take hours.

Yesterday, eventually was KIND. It was so nice to be treated, to sit al fresco with a glass of red St Nicholas.  But the centre of that tow is so busy and noisy!
I never managed to get to the shop for  induction ironware   nor to the DIY store for electrical hanging lamp necessities!
Home and crash into bed at 8h30... having lost four hours sleep that morning.

The kitchen is being a pain for the man installing it.
One gets monkeys for peanuts and whilst design is a forte of IKEA,  especially packaging.. (they are BIG on cardboard, paper, plastic.  I intend to weigh it all, including the metal and plastic parts included in the packaging that we do not need)  they are hopeless in quality on other criteria!
Designed not to last!!!!!
Capitalism! Global waste!

The doors have fine hair line gaps so have to have 'the attention to detail' that my friend can give and the 'not yet in use tap' has a drip!  PLUS to my annoyance,  the sink hole is in the wrong position so when the tap movable spout pours water on the sink, water splashes and lies on the sink bed!!!!!!! GGGRRRR!!!!!!!

Ah... but it is beginning to look clean and tidy...
How it will work for someone who likes cooking will be  the test of time...

I have no time for reporting photos or other stories on the progress of this almost final stage of the six year french house renovation  on a budget.

When I can STOP working then maybe I shall get back to posting!

What really matters though is that to have had company here since early March has been good for my brain and emotions.  Again I have missed the cake club and other things ... because my friend here cannot stay and will not stay and maybe that is sad but reality!  I have also missed things because I have to get the kitchen installed. Even if I do not do the bulk of manual labour, I am on hand with the second pair of hands, to do as bid with holding this and that and to be consulted on this and that as well as making refreshments.

I could not have achieved the renovation work in this house without him and when he goes on his travels  I wonder if he will ever return..,for he will have done the last downstairs room and saved me thousands of l'argent!

I THANK HIM even though it has been six plus years of being separated.
The tears and heartache diminish over time as stress decreases!

Poetry: The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

'I love driving in open country... was making my way back onto the route from which I had accidentally deviated...which reminds me of the story of my life!'

... and THAT deviation reminds me of a favourite poem:
The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, 

And sorry I could not travel both 

And be one traveler, long I stood 

And looked down one as far as I could 

To where it bent in the undergrowth; 

Then took the other, as just as fair, 

And having perhaps the better claim, 

Because it was grassy and wanted wear; 

Though as for that the passing there 

 Had worn them really about the same, 

And both that morning equally lay 

In leaves no step had trodden black. 

Oh, I kept the first for another day! 

Yet knowing how way leads on to way, 

 I doubted if I should ever come back. 

I shall be telling this with a sigh 

Somewhere ages and ages hence: 

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -

I took the one less traveled by, 

And that has made all the difference.

Ah, I sigh...wondering at my age, about roads that I chose not, for reasons I know not, or, because I didn't know they were camouflaged under brambles! I often took the easier route, yet have thought: "Why does life have to be so complicated?"

    The Road Taken: At times, remorse. At times, joy. I have arrived at this place in my life, in my time, and have much to be grateful for. I am thankful to so many others who have influenced my arrival, even when I thought I had experienced poor choices and interludes. Occasionally, it is true, I have unwittingly waved the "woe is me" flag for attention, knowing it was wrong to blame or criticise anyone for bringing me to this point.  Indeed, I praise them.  I had to learn to take responsibility. Oh the path is winding!

    The poet doesn't necessarily say that the choice of path one takes in LIFE is more full, or less full, of crises, decisions, choices, chance... it's just that, we do not know before we make the choice that eventually we might look back at our lives to think differently, or at the very least, wonder what would have happened if x or y or z.   The poet predicts that in the future we might re-arrange the story of our lives to suit our purpose but, in truth, cannot get away onto any other path, for honesty must prevail!
    I remember a friend telling me, when I was dithering about whether to buy a property or not and where...,  "it doesn't matter what the choice/decision is, it matters that you DO make a choice/decision and after that, if you think it was wrong, you can change it, you can make another choice of decision!" Wise words indeed! Who wants to be lost in the woods all day, like Little Red Riding Hood?  There are so many different paths in the yellow woods! The poet is telling us that there is no right path and that it is wasteful of precious life-time making a decision... Hey, I am just appreciating this viewpoint.  I wonder if the poet ever had a kitchen conundrum to solve!?

A Missed Opportunity

Some 10 days later, I am still kicking myself that I did not follow the beautiful silver Peugeot coupé cabriolet (I know nothing about cars except this one exuded style!) with its stunning dark-haired, dark-tanned man, who, when he had overtaken me, turned his head many times whilst looking in his mirror, waving almost continuously, in that enthusiastic "hello" manner as opposed to a 'there is something wrong' mannerism.  I happily waved back several times ... 'cos oh... he was sooooooo.... nice!  I was amused that at my age, whilst driving along happily minding my own business,  that a man could be so definitely attracted to me and attractive! ... but then we came to a roundabout junction!  He was in the left lane and I was in the right (French roundabout!) as we slowed. Then he indicated left and I indicated right, braking a little so as not to be alongside him. I considered following him but had not the courage!  We were now waving Adieu ... oh foolish woman ... I am sure he was a little younger than me but we saw enough to realise 'a chemistry and connection'.  I am sure he clocked my age and my 13 year old Clio!
I was disappointed for a long time on my journey across rural France to Bretagne.  I think we were at Chateau-Gontier. I was heading for Laval! The fantasy of what could have happened if he had followed me or if I had followed him still lingers on!  It wasn't a hoax.  One could tell!  It is another example of when I should trust my intuition but when driving, an instant decision has to be made! The path was taken - the opportunity missed! Hey ho!

A Camping Conundrum

I deliberately drove to the farthest point of the Île de Noirmoutier following my research that there was a campsite at La Pointe.  It was at a later time than I intended because I got lost at Vannes. Others were also mystified, poring over maps because there were no French signposts on roads developed in the last few years for going south-east!  Lost again at St Nazaire, which was my fault when I followed 'port' instead of 'pont'!!!   My excuse was that my glasses were smeared with sweat from thirty degree plus heat without air con in my little Clio!

I enjoyed pitching my tent... it only takes a few minutes... then I walked across to the headland and beach with sea in three directions!  A shower before a walk to find an evening meal but as the prices seemed heady, I decided to have a beach-picnic of cheeses, cherries and a bottle of screwtop wine, which because of the heat was not imbibed!  I read my book, feeling uneasy!  For when I got the food and picnic-blanket out of my car boot I sensed something be being watched by the man who sat at a table!  I'd said Bonsoir and he did too. I am 'Polite in France'. Rods were propped by the tree! Realising vulnerability I tried to set the mind-thoughts aside, letting go the idea to move pitch!  When I noted that he had disappeared I went to bed early to read inside my tent.  Maybe he had gone fishing!
I am sometimes extremely paranoid but these days do listen to intuition and I try hard not to get afraid! I had already spoken to a lovely French couple so am not adverse to speaking to strangers!
Well... the funny part of this story is that I didn't get much sleep.  I had to keep rational by saying a mantra of "I am OK...I am safe...I will be safe!" as fully clothed under my silk duvet, I clutched the wooden mallet in one hand and the car key in the other,  having already secured the outer tent zip from the inside with a tent peg!  Halfway through the night I decided to wear my sandals for a quick escape!  PARANOIA. ACUTE ANXIETY. EXTREME IMAGINATION. FEAR. Call it what you will!   The truth is that I believed untrue thinking and scared myself in doing so. When I managed to break those thoughts I definitely slept a little1 One has to feel the fear but get rid of it or it just eats away!

During the night I heard two things falling from the tree onto my car.  Branches? The wind was another reason for my alert wakeful state, as it flutttered the not-so-taut-tent-textile!  Restless in France most certainly!  Imagine my horror when I returned from the shower at 7h30 the next morning! Some bird or birds had dropped two huge dollops on my bonnet and the mess was wriggling with maggots!  That did it!  Decision as to what to do that day was made! Up came the tent! I moved the car to the sanitary block and with a bucket, hot water and an old sock found behind the washing machine, cleaned up and moved on out!  Whilst I waited patiently reading ready to pay at the 'Acceuil' office which opened at 8h30, THAT wretched fisherman drove past, scrutinising me.  It felt uncomfortable as if maggots were writhing under MY skin!  ugh!
No, this was not funny, as I'd paid 15 euros for an unpleasant experience when it was supposed to be idyllic!  I am never returning there!

Times they are a changing

just like the weather...
after the shorts the rain,
after the rain the sun,
this is the way of life
where we had begun
with joy in our hearts
when a baby was born.
As we approach the latter years we strive to reject grey clouds of past errors and judgements,
sadnesses and sorrows, to let in sunshine with memories of good times, hoping that we can grow on whichever path we go.

Glad that I live am I; That the sky is blue;
Glad for the country lanes, And the fall of dew.

After the sun, the rain, After the rain the sun;
This is the way of life, Till the work be done.

All that we need to do, Be we low or high,
Is to see that we grow, Nearer to God on high.

A door closes, a window opens, a scene ends, a scene begins ... Let the sun shine in!   

Let us breathe in the goodness and light that exists in each one of us!   Amen

Where am I? Part Two

Safely in France, having escaped to England for three weeks!

I walked today and appreciated the quiet landscape.
The patron of "Les Belles Toitures" arrived unexpectedly and not knowing I had returned was showing off my roof to his supplier. He has now been fully paid!  
I highly recommend this company.
I love my roof.  Although I have empty pockets, the pleasure my new roof gives is enormous when I look up to the little bird and when the little bird looks down on me!

My visit to England was eventful in very many ways which I can and cannot report here in public.
Fortunately, the computer issues were corrected after at least 8 hours in the Apple Store over 5 appointments with no charge. Now it seems to run differently. Gmail and everything seems altered!

Flights and National Express were challenging with 10kg of techy baggage!  At the airport, I didn't realise the differences between parking charges of French airports in this region as I had not fully done research, but luckily managed to get the fee halved by initiative!  Hiring a car in England was difficult as one arrives and the questions and costs mount. Nothing is transparent in the world of commerce.  I passed the tests and was given the responsibility to drive about 400 miles in the car... a Fiat, but it wasn't small!

I met a very dear friend from over 30 years ago!  Sadly, I couldn't see several people that I planned to see and wanted / needed to see. I did see others unexpectedly and that was great fun. Though when my cousin's daughter arrived at my cousin's house as she had been evacuated with the FLOOD ALERT, that was not amusing.  It seems her little abode was safe. The sea was a hungry brown dog between tidal surges and has torn savagely at the east coast.

I did see my son but his timetable spun mine topsy-turvy so that I saw more of my daughter and grand daughter which pleased me.  Daughter and her friends who are parents of the school are having incomprehensible problems at my grand-daughters primary school, but no, I can't mention the name of the school, YET.... but dearly would like to!!! I yearn to report how they treat parents !!!!

I stayed on my son's boat but strong winds turned the turbine almost non stop in order to generate electricity for the boat. Sound magnified down the funnel shouting at my ears and mind perhaps like the tramontaine.  The steel tug acted as a sound box.  Now, I really don't need to be driven more crazy!  It didn't stop raining on the south coast for several days whilst I was there whereas when I was in East Anglia there was no rain at all! Cooped up and living without side windows is not for me!!!! and I don't really understand why it is for him, except that madness clearly runs in the family blood!

I went dressed for winter but it was mild in the home country!
N.B. 10 mm of rain fell in my absence then 18mm on my second night back at home.

Where am I? Part One

Exploring a different kind of rest and restoration.
I'm feeling stress free at last!!! Most probably there will be a run of new posts soon.
My computer has been repaired. It was a Multiple Volumes issue therefore not needing a new internal hard drive. PHEW!!!  The lovely Apple Store were excellent service and after many many hours corrected the iPhoto libraries issues so now all my photos (60,000 +) are in one place, ready for the mammoth cull and reorganisation.....because and I don't know how it has happened but there are often several copies of one photo!!! Now I can find photos going back to 2008 and before!
As if I haven't enough to do!!!! Serves me right for being so clicky happy!!!
I will return to posting soon.
PS. Now that I have started using the laptop again as opposed to the mini ipad the machine seems very slow and that rainbow wheel keeps spinning.
Must delete delete but when!!!???

Chapter Two of A Cornish Adventure

We took a train to Penzance and warmed ourselves with an amazing hot chocolate. I do wish I'd chosen a Danish pastry!

Onwards!   Our cycles skirted the Pz fishing depots as we headed towards Mousehole.  (The only family holiday I ever remember brought us here and it doesn't appear to have changed!)  A three-roomed shop with apartment for sale was 550k.  I asked the price!  A little shop like that would do me to a tee!

We stopped at Newlyn Art Gallery with colourful, contemporary art that made us talk about what we saw!  I loved that!  Overjoyed, I delighted in "fuschias flowering in the hedges, falling to the floor", as worthy as any art.

Driving east, we stopped at Dartington but it was raining. I didn't have my camera under the umbrella. We came to Totnes, Devon whereupon a bus and a river ferry transported us to Dartmouth. 
Here we debarked, only to hear my name being called!  Who?!! Someone from the commune I used to live in!! I used to work with her as a volunteer with children's activities and adult TEFL!  Four years ago I nearly bought part of her property! Small world! She was so friendly, absolutely charming as French Parisians are, and as surprised as I was! Spooked! I needed a strong coffee and glass of wine or brandy but not hot the chocolate substitute which was pathetic!

I loved the colours and styles of houses, the interesting boutique/antique shops, the defence constructions and the chateau at the mouth of the River Dart, the working boats, the general ambiance including tropical plants, the stately demeanour of the buildings steeped in a richly important heritage of nautical history, sailing, warfare, where 'The Mayflower' once moored when The Pilgrim Fathers sailed from Southampton to America.  There was never enough time to explore further as our bus for the return journey was waiting.  Steam train and return river ferry timetables did not coincide with our needs.  Fish and chips were delicious, eaten whilst seagulls glared at us !

Totnes was quirky! Now we travelled north-east to Burnham-on-Sea, Somerset, to settle in the sunshine and walk along the sands before the overnight stopover for a very early flight to France.

Three counties in ten days.
It was an invitation, an opportunity, an educational experience for inspiration.
It was fun and an adventure.
It was enjoyment and laughter.
It was for that moment in time with a valued friend.
It strengthened the knowledge that I can't yet afford to live near the coast unless someone lets me have a small artist's studio and then I think I would! But then I really would have to learn to paint!
Au revoir Cornwall!

Chapter One of A Cornish Adventure

Cornwall beckoned and it was surprisingly warm. I LOVED IT!!!
Once the canopy of cloud was higher than the plane I was amazed to see how emerald green were verdant fields of The West Country and in a different geographical formation than The Fair Fields of France. Travelling to Taunton took no time where we met my cousin. Like me she has the zany gene. We laughed hysterically as she drove to three watering holes determined to have a coffee treat away from home but no pubs were open before noon.  Success at midday! Didn't they know people were queuing to get in! Back to base for a ginger, lemon and echinacea concoction for an invalid before having lunch and an evening meal at a pub quiz night. Sadly, we didn't have quiz knowledge!

Westwards! We walked a 6 and a half mile section of the South West Coastal Way! ... What a zinch is what I thought before we started ... until I had to eat my thoughts! Oh My! I'm sure I've never done that kind of walk before,, and am eager to do so again! In the past I've ascended an Auvergne mountain in summer, and an Arran mountain too, walked in Wales  and Derbyshire. (*Footnote) I didn't know what to expect and YET,  I can understand that planning is essential in case of inclement weather moving in from the West. Fortunately, sea fret was kindly!
Up and down heathery crags, in and out of beautiful bays, through mud, around briar and bramble to clamber rocks and stone steps, cross a wonderful stone bridge, look out to rocky island shelves in bays to hear seals moaning offshore ... THEN, just under 4 hours from Zennor, we arrived at St Ives for a nice cuppa tea!

St Ives is of course an artist's magnet and a magnet for me! I wanted to eat a Cornish Pasty BUT not to eat it on account of progress I'd made with losing weight!  However, I can recommend pub food in THE UNION INN where fresh mackerel fillets were creamy to accompany Cornish ale. We had Ginger beer alfresco in the evening sun, where there was Phil from Essex, who lived in Cornwall.  Two ladies, one American, another from London had much to say too. I always forget that al fresco these days means to sit within the range of smoker's exhalations!!!!!

I bought a painting! Small, but nevertheless it is now mine.  I was bowled over by the exhibition of the artwork from Penny Rumble and Elaine Turnbull and greedily wanted almost every one!!!!! I wish I could paint! ... AND ... for the last three years  have thought that I would love to have an art gallery in my house!!!!!!!!
You may or may not know that one source of my despair /  laughter has been that I chose to buy a house on a road to Hell or Paradise if we believe the French inversion. I laughed when I read that the painting is entitled "Cliff Edge at Hell's Mouth" by Penny Rumble! Now to buy a Marine Blue frame. Through the cellophane which of course does not do it justice, here it is:

Penny and Elaine are passionate about their work and their enthusiasm was dramatic like their art. There were so many exhibitions to taste and see in Arts Festival Week. We were lucky to choose this one! The town heaved with visitors and unfortunately we couldn't get tickets to see "Show of Hands".  I last heard them in Diss Corn Exchange probably 25 years ago! (or was it more?)

TATE and Barbara Hepworth's cottage were on the list of TO DO. I've always liked her work and that of Henry Moore. I used to study their sculptures with my class of 6 to 7 year olds who made wonderful naive representations of Mother and Child and holey forms! My former husband was very much influenced by their ideas and those of Buckminster Fuller (geodesic domes) when he presented his final show at Art College.  I still have one of his bronzes and one of his plaster eggs which need to be given higher status in my house!!!!!!!  For three years I've wanted to make my large Salle de Sejour into an art gallery.

We whiled away sunny moments marveling at fishing boats and sea. We mooched about on sands and pebbles in bays.

Before St Ives we cycled from Padstow along the estuary to Bodmin. It was 27 miles according to Google but I thought the sign said 37 miles. Anyway, I get kilometres and miles muddled! It was such a challenge and great fun to see oozing mud in the estuary.  I love the smell of estuaries. I love how tides in and out, rise and fall, changing landscape. We stopped to have coffee en route from an inventive entrepeneur. Fantastic!

Cyclists discussed the merits of other folding bicycles. I'd been rather cynical because I once rode a Shopper with difficulty and hated such hard work... but this was a DREAM!  I loved the sound of my borrowed one - a Dohan.  Swishly, smoothly, I zinged along the Camel Trail.  I was HAPPY!

At Wadebridge we stopped to see the Betjeman memorabilia exhibition, which in my opinion requires TLC and re-organisation.  It is as if the poet has become unloved within the community centre for the elderly! 
When we arrived at Bodmin we healthily ate apples, dried fruits and 70% chocolate ,but eventually we needed TEA, and so I got the much sought after Cream tea with Cornish creammmmmmmmmmm!  Then delicious ice creams on the return journey. How naughty can one get?  We didn't rate Rick Stein's fish and chips for the price! All packaging and hype! I've had the best fish and chips at Aldeburgh at half the price!       I loved being there!

TO FOLLOW  
Chapter Two of a Cornish Adventure
(*Footnote: I do remember how this same cousin, her daughter and I set off from Southwold to Dunwich across marshes in winter, when I was not better from Myalgic Encephamolitis but thought I was...we got to the pub in time for last orders in those days and a fish and chip lunch. Then they made me set off before them and still I struggled as they overtook me and yet waited all the time...it was dangerous to be walking in mist-hanging darkness near dykes.)

The Times they are a changing

I haven't posted for a while as I've been reeling under realisations.  I haven't run out of words, thoughts, feelings, but maybe I have been overwhelmed.  I think I got worn out and a return of M.E. hit me at the weekend!

Although there is the feeling that I've wasted several years, being dragged down (not only by myself but also my previous soulmate friend) .... I AM beginning to look positively at that negativity and understand that it was a period of TIME, when many positive events happened as well.
I AM beginning to look at the patterns of behaviour based on his childhood and my childhood that brought us to love and then dislike each other and yet he still wanted to be my friend and I his. Why was that? Probably to meet own needs.
Maybe I DID have to be carried after I lost my job but I KNOW THAT I acted as a child, NEEDING parental love and support!  So he became my father and mother figure. He was as he said my Physical Fitness Trainer.  Then (I know I am on repeat!) marital problems magnified after the physical repair of a psychologically damaging op which occurred within a few years of JOB CRASH. We moved house and country within a few weeks of that op and then I was told, not in quite these words, but that he didn't want me!!!!  In the last two weeks I've found my writings that establish the truth of that!
It's a pity we could not work through his jealousies about my son, his fears, my fears, our needs. 
BUT it was also a period of time when I carried him. Before we moved to France I employed him full time to work on my house that he also had some investment in by contributing to the mortgage to pay his part for living in my house! When we came to France he became ill ... he said it was because of me but I also believe it was because of the anxiety of renovation work and probably the future without much income as well his physical ageing.
We carried each other.
Now he has found someone else to carry for a while. Maybe she has found someone to carry HER.

HOWEVER, I DEFINITELY KNOW that I don't want anyone to carry me, nor do I need anyone else to carry.  BUT to support and be supported would be a different issue. Of course it will be lovely to have help from a friend in any capacity but NOT TO CONTROL or undermine my dignity, integrity and independence.  I don't want to be in a co-dependent relationship ever again.  I don't ever want to be made to feel afraid of someone's anger ever again.
I wish to keep my independence and that means learning to be grown up which I have been learning in the last three years. I now understand and accept that my friend was kind to make me go, kind to say we are not a couple anymore...even though at the time I was shocked, stunned, numbed, in total disbelief that he could make that choice and not try harder to save our souls!!!!!
I also realise that maybe I never indiated sufficiently how much I appreciated all that he did for me!

Of course I would like to be with a significant someone...but firstly if I can, (now that I am learning more about looking after my own needs),  I would like to meet lots of people, male and female, and begin to appreciate Life and Living.... It is time not for selfishness, nor self-centredness but certainly it is Time for looking after my inner selves... and I do mean plural.  I am more than one part. 

Well... I lasted at least 7 years after it all started to slide downhill with my friend,  having my heart tugged and shunned and nothing will take away the fact that I think I still love him and always will.  So that is that!  I know I can love again and hope that one day someone will be attracted enough to love in return.

I shifted sands this week as Cancerians do... going to see the sea has been very restorative.  I must go more often.  It's a drag, the 3 to 4 hour journey in my little Clio, but never in a hurry, I look about me as I go and learn about landscape and locations.  Of course the warm breeze, soft sweet salty sea, soft sand and golden warm sunshine in a clear blue sky, as I cycle hither and thither slowly, leisurely, or gaining momentum, marvel at little things that I see on my travels has left my skin soft like a baby!

Inside me, I am in love...in love with an island.... the golden isle of  Île de Rhé (with / without the h). It was surprisingly unchallenging camping alone. Tired after the afternoon drive I probably went to bed about 8 ish after erecting my small tent, eating oatcakes and cheese and refamiliarising myself with the beach.  With no plan other than to cycle, I relaxed.  It's fun alone because one doesn't have to keep up with anyone nor have anyone dragging one behind!!!!  I can do what I like, when I like.  Benefits.

I spent three full days revisiting places that I saw in June with a very good friend, taking different routes, visiting markets, talking to people, keeping my silence, laughing and crying as I cycled alone, stopping to eat the not ripe wild grapes and blackberries and a lunchtime treat of moules marinières and on Sunday large prawns at the oyster bar because I'd prefer to share oysters with someone!

Feeling the pain and rising above it........

I felt the breeze change last night. Autumn cometh.
The weather has changed: temperatures  in / out  for day / night have been similar for some time BUT NOW a 10C degree difference between outdoors / indoors accompanies the rain, scuppering an idea to clear the wood pile! Sabotage!

I feel Life's tempest brewing ......

I haven't posted because living alone allows too much opportunity for introspective thinking on making sense of this world and I am fast coming to the conclusion there is NO SENSE:  it is all NON SENSE!
LIFE is short.  Perhaps it has to be enjoyed no matter how hedonistic.  I've invested too much time and energy in the man that I thought I loved. I know I did love him even back in 1998 when first we became unstable.  Why has it lasted so long? Why does it take so long to heal? 

MY STRUGGLE IS THAT I HAVE deeply rooted PRINCIPLES of prudishness, pride, honesty, loyalty, integrity, decency and dignity and feel that I should be honoured and cherished for my womanhood and that THAT is also what I should offer for any man who wants to be with me!
BUT IT AINT ALWAYS LIKE THAT!!!!!!
I've made errors of judgement with my principles / behaviour but I don't have to punish who I am. 
One tries to go with the flow of life... tries to keep busy... tries to keep calm and reflect, consider motives for what I WANT TO DO IN MY LIFE, now that someone says I am a liberated woman with a thousand voices and says I rock his boat !
How nice! How flattering but it can't last!
BUT then the dream and reality of unreality crashes on the rocks! The rock is on a stormy sea. I clearly contributed to The Previous One's behaviour.  it wasn't all my fault even though he blamed and criticised me for my imperfections, failings, weaknesses. THAT is exactly what he worked upon to keep me down whenever I got strong.

Why is it that my rebellious teenager or my playtime seeking child won't listen to my adult? 
 
How much can anyone ever believe anyone?
How much can anyone trust others ... or is it all to be interpreted as a pack of lies as each one of us in the world seeks to meet our own individual needs in a selfish world?
Have I become too cynical?
Have I too much time to think?
Is it because I've been down on the floor so many times, picked myself up, dusted myself down and started all over again that I will keep doing that until I learn what it is I need to learn?
Someone please shout at me the blindingly obvious!
How can anyone ever protect themselves from the pain that is bound to come when one has had pleasure or feels bliss when it all disintegrates?
I get blissful whilst on my bike, whilst looking out with wonder across stubbled fields, clover, fields where millet ripens, huge leaved crops that must be the Nicotiana family ... tobacco,  yellow and green sunflowers in serried ranks, praising the SUN, which I do too ...... I bow my head as I eat my apple and praise God for the fact that I am alive and mobile and my happiness pours forth into the world.
I need to be emotionally inert.  That's a laugh a minute ... it'll happen when I am dead!
One tries to see good in everyone ... and know that as human beings we all feel the same ...
One tries to be compassionate and caring. I do try to love who I am and what I am so that I can share that love with others. It all sounds so trite.
One tries to know purpose in life and to what degree of fulfilment one could achieve for Self and to give to others.
I wish to meet new people, go to new places, hear new stories, do new things, see culture, so that I can learn more about REALITY.
I want to go travelling, be a hobo, but the time is not yet here.
There is a roof to be re-roofed, a kitchen to be gutted,  a bunion to be lanced, logs to be collected / delivered / stacked and how to do this with a hobbly foot will be interesting and then the rest....
This the former professional, a sometimes feisty woman who used to juggle two kids as a single parent with a full-time teaching commitment working all hours that God sent in order to prove my worth (the failing school grew from a roll of 30 ish children to 120 on roll when I was Acting Head [for my sins]). I studied for my degree status  at the same time. Before that the three of us lived in a house with subsidence where inside temperatures were below zero! Was I too busy with my job to take care of me and my kids. On reflection it did not seem to be enough but it has to be because it cannot be redone!

Mindful in solitude, I try to do the following but make little headway because of self-sabotage. 
1. Wake up ... go to sleep.
2. Eat and drink a balanced diet to lose weight before the foot incapacitates me for 3 to 6 months.
3. Exercise - I spent too long on my bottom last winter.  This Summer into Autumn I am proud of activity. I can easily walk fast for an hour in the morning and cycle for an hour or two each afternoon / evening.  It is not enough. BUT is enough for someone who had M.E., who could not walk between two groynes on a beach without a helping hand, who had to crawl up the stairs and shuffle down on her bottom, who fell asleep whilst the kettle boiled!
4. TRY to tick off jobs and tasks...e.g. currently having to make a decision on MUTUELLE payments as this is a task that has been shelved for 7 years and the recent enquiry with quotes is one year old... I have to pay out for my health costs because I have chosen to live in France. Only a percentage is picked up by the NHS... (what is that these days?)  Other goals must be to decide how to purchase a new vehicle so I pray that my little Clio keeps on moving....
5. TRY to Sort & Clear out STUFF I have not used, do not use, will never use again... Whew that is such a challenge!!!!!!  There in my attic are family photos ... newspaper cuttings, memorabilia, treasured items of monetary and emotional value...  There on my computer are photographic memories and a muddled collection of writings....and the whole story needs strategic thinking and a million ways of threshing to dump or keep in an honoured way. It's pretty scary to open sealed boxes from the past, when memories good and bad arrive to hit one in the head and heart. Currently the floor is littered with books not sold at the Books Festival ... not the same as a UK Literary Festival! but that is what this village needs to do.  It is stuck in old ways and is not keeping up with modernity... One can't keep presenting the same format... We did that at school for sports day and barbecue nights and then someone came and shook it all up!!!!! It needed a revamp and so did we, the staff!
6. TRY to think clearly, proactively. logically. No thinking would be good too.
7. TRY to formulate ideas for a plan for the future!
8. Laugh A Minute!    It keeps a level of sanity in the why of why this has happened in my life.

It's my blog... I can write about what I choose.

The journey home from home

My return journey took 17 hours, the longest ever from door to door.  I'd set off from a Suffolk coastal town at 7h15 and after about 30 minutes I really felt as if I could drive no further, I was that exhilaratingly exhausted after 4 weeks of FULL on FUN!  However, the torrential rain abated away from the coast leading to optimism for good weather, but that dwindled as driving conditions became treacherous with more watery stuff falling from the sky.  Apart from that, it was a good journey and I made sufficient progress to pop in to S's supermarket to get items for my English friend in France. She'd made the most amazing store cupboard cakes for me to take and everyone was hungrily pleased to eat them! This made me late for the ferry but I'd worked out that I would still be OK for time the other side of the channel.  However, I had not bargained for technical problems on the ferry and so everyone had to wait two hours before the next boarding.  I slept on the boat! The sun shone as the cars emerged from the hull of the vessel to drive onto terra franca.  How I love to see that wide open sky at Calais! The weather did not hold.  More rain came. When the sun shone yet again it gave a false promise for me to carry on despite the fact that I was tired.  I'd forgotten that at this time of the year it gets suddenly dark. I'd left it too late to find a hotel and anyway I'd also forgotten that I have to get off the autoroute to find one.  I NEED TO PLAN!  So I ploughed on, driving slower, daring not to stop as it would make me later than late. I was resigned for the 2 a.m. arrival when the autoroute 'bouchon' required us to leave and take the Nationale route!  I lost my way, experienced danger on the road. It was my own making. I dare not tell...except to say it is not always a good idea for the brain to be on automatic and make me think I am driving on an English highway!  Fortunately, I had the wherewithal to take avoidance action and so I live to tell a tale!  Sometimes I stop at Ashford, Kent with family but this time it was not possible.   It's not much fun doing that journey all alone and next time I really must get a hotel for the return journey.