A Full Moon - A Rosie Moon

02.30 ish
I awoke disturbed  ...  I snuggled down beneath the duvets, but unusually these days, I wished for a cup of tea.  Then memory set in!  I told myself that as there was no 'servant for the princess', I COULD get up, get cold, get a cup of tea, get a hot water bottle ... and then I saw the moon ... my Cancerian sign... A full moon with a star / planet nearby. Was it Jupiter planet or star Regulus?   It was quite warm in my courtyard ... about 9C ...
I wanted to sit outside with someone and chat, hold hands!
"Come outside ... it's a lovely moon out 'ere"...
so I took my camera and tried to shoot the moon!
It had a whole circle of light around it, but distant from it.  I've not seen the circle that far away before. Although I have seen full moons with smaller nearer circles. I think the circles are to do with refracted light and ice crystals.  By 5h30am the circle around the moon had decreased to a small halo.

I have a grand niece born a few weeks or months ago... she has been called Rosie Moon.
I don't know whether I will ever see her because her grandmother, who is my sister, stopped seeing me 20 years ago!!!!!!! This may be a celebration of having a grand-niece that I will never know.  I was deprived of being an aunt, likewise my niece and nephew were deprived of knowing me!    Nevertheless, I bought this little French Esprit number, 100% cotton, to send to the new person!  It's aged 9 months so it will fit eventually! When I visited Sri Lanka the moon rabbit was mentioned: it's Asian folklore. 

I was interrupted from my sleep by various thoughts and dreams about love and lovers and my children and grandchild!  Then the need for tea prompted:  the futile words "I miss him". These entered my head. I sobbed for only a few seconds before laughing out aloud!  A speedy recovery! It was an acknowledgement to accept that I DO miss all the lovely things we had together...but not the anger. Maybe Anger was part of the Passion and I didn't know! but no one should have had to listen to what I did.  I chose to stay despite desperation many times to escape from it, knowing not where I could go whilst all my possessions were in his house!  Maybe, being the difficult woman that I am, (isn't everyone difficult?), I pressed some triggers / buttons ... but I know I was not the cause, for I never asked for it and I was not to blame!
My father's anger towards my mother was more than enough in my life and I never expected to see that level of uncontrollable rage again! It was outright mental, emotional, physical abuse to my mother and indirectly very damaging to us kids. At least my dear friend didn't throw all and sundry through the air as did my father. As children, when saucepans came flying through the kitchen, we would scamper up to our rooms.  I would read. We would wait a long time or to the next day before it was time to venture downstairs to see the damage or to know if the storm was over.  One day I had to help collect cacti spines that had been embedded in the carpet...whhooosssh swiped from the window-sill with his wild moon madness!

I am thinking positively.  It is OK to miss someone. It is OK to mourn the loss of love. And indeed all that loss of friendship and support IS what I mourn!  He was a bestest friend.  It's OK to feel that!  It's OK to mourn the loss of Passion and Earthly, bodily functions that occur between people.  By feeling it, maybe it, the emotion deep within me, will heal!  BUT I THINK NOT. I accept it. I accept who I am!
I thought in the course of finding new passion and new friends, male and female, platonic and otherwise, going out into society, being busy with my life, it would decrease and so it has ... but here, alone though never lonely, tucked away in a village space that I love, there is a deep-down-hollow-place.
I am not ashamed to express this publicly.  It is not to shame anyone. I have thought hard and long about that. But I do believe in truth and so I have a vow to tell a truth when questioned or when the situation arises.  I'm not going to cause any level of deception. To avoid REALITY is a lie. It is not even attention seeking. I should really be writing the book ... The first words of the first pages always different, have often recently come to me when I am in the bath or lying horizontal. Then I arise and they disappear... so several starts have been finished! In the past many years I have often wondered why I can think whilst horizontal and then when I arise the words disappear.

LOSS ..... there it is..... in NEON lettering in my dream in March 2010 about 4 to 6 weeks before I bought my house, before he, I suspect, fearing that I was going to leave him, pushed me away first, to save his own fears of being rejected and abandoned, because I suppose that is what he had felt... history had bought us there... to that place in time...
I never ever meant to hurt him with my own anger about the world...
and I never wish to receive such anger ever again in my life! 
I remembered times when living together...times when he would regularly wake in the middle of the morning...   For some years it was because I thrashed about...but after he started to sleep by himself and when he lived solo again, I realised that I had been blamed for something that was not my fault despite the grains of truth.  Yes, I might have disturbed his quietude but as he had a pattern of waking early and still has, then it wasn't only me!

and so ... I REMEMBERED that on a few occasions when I couldn't sleep or we'd got something to talk about he would bring me tea in bed... and we would sit and hold hands together .. and for the first time in over 4 years I was thinking about the togetherness that tea and passion can bring... it was the last thing that really woke me up.
Before that, were other thoughts ... about being a surrogate grandma (rentagranny), about being a grandma that is not there with my own granddaughter, about the lack of communication she gives towards me when I am there though I have tried,  about how I try to support my own children when they don't seem to do what I need them to do to help themselves especially if I've stepped into help them.      So many thoughts... and many a moon madness... but I know that it is purely my struggle to make sense of my life... the past, present and the future, to make sense of who I am and why I need my friends around me and why I want to keep friends with my former lovers who have been truly worthy mentors and the bestest of friends who know me so well!  And yes, I have done my share of mooning over the men I have loved and still love!!!!!!!!!  It's my journey!