May 2010 to August 2010
After sand blasting.....there was a kaleidoscope of activities. These were certainly colourful but not always pretty!
It was impossible to relax when decisions had to be considered and made, shopping for materials and tools was necessary and living was all go, go, go with increasing tensions. I had help but hindrance seemed to be by the side as I attempted to face the consequences of purchasing this particular house.
Life seemed to throw me several lessons all at once. I've known myself to be a slow learner and have often had to experience several lessons. Repetition though is part of the learning process as I used to tell those I taught. Awareness, observation, courage, confidence as well as time to reflect help! I certainly was having all this thrown in my direction.
ADMINISTRATION
May is the time for tax return forms - not as simple as it sounds! Several visits to the tax office and then they were happy! Every year is not easy!
Accounts of expenditure had to be kept. I quickly began to lose the plot when I had so much else to do and think about.
CLEARING OUT
Two large attics were cleared of debris that had been left from the previous owner ...
masses of old cardboard, duvets and blankets used as insulation to protect the water against the frost,
empty wine bottles, rubber pipes, old books,
polystyrene sheets,
clothes in wardrobes,
useful knitting wool and fabric,
wood, nails, hooks, metal, blue farming twine (all affectionately renamed as Augés, after the previous resident, he solved all conundrums with bits of wood, metal, string)
tiles, old kitchen crockery,
kitsch items such as a sequined santa!
old mirrors (these are to go in the garden)
old furniture some of which served useful as building site seats and tables but then disintegrated,
garden rubbish - oyster shells, chicken and beef bones and metal littered the garden,
... to name but just some of the stuff that made mountains in the courtyard until it was taken to the dechetterie in cars and remorques.
REMOVAL and REPAIR
Radiators were removed from the walls,
external shutters were sanded and painted and sanded and painted...
and to add to difficulties the car started to have a repeat of electrical problems, all to do with the remorque lights blowing the fuse!
The ceiling between the beams was plasterboarded, plastered and painted.
The walls lost their wallpaper with tears and laughter whilst music helped to keep the rhythm going. As I worked my way around the room, the concave walls were filled as best as we could not having the correct tools (months later I bought the correct trowel!) Plaster filling resulted in dust, dust and more dust and needed the patience and determination of Job. My gratitude is vast!
In the midst of chaos artisans came to give estimates for roof repair and electricity repair.
TOIL, TROUBLE and inevitable TOLL
The backs of the two men took a
toll from digging ditches, distributing rubble in country lanes, cutting a door hole in a French breezeblock wall and reaching high to the ceilings. To work hard as a skivvy was my way of demonstrating my gratitude as well as the fact that it brings me enjoyment to provide breakfast, coffee, tea, lunch, cakes, ice-creams, beer and wine, as well as to sweep the site clean, several times a day. Sanding woodwork was not so pleasant for me but I was ready to lift buckets of rubble, problem-solve and add ideas for project management.
FAILINGS
I was being pressured to design, choose and buy bathroom furniture when clearly I had no idea. I wasn't confident with what I wanted nor what to buy. I was also lacking confidence in considering where electrics should go, calculating tiling and paint, even though over the last 12 years I have become well-used to house renovation and the inside of DIY stores. The difference this time was the scale of this project. It was not just redecoration. I respect interior designers and builders but the client also needs to be respected. It was my own fault in many ways to bring in the workers before I had had a chance to decide what the house required. Retrospectively, I have no qualms now in a) bringing men to work as it made things happen... and b) being indecisive etc because out of those inadequacies I may have caused the builders a lot of frustrations but I am achieving the style of house that I like.
SUCCESS
In the midst of chaos we ate brilliantly... and somehow I, him and him, made cherry clafoutis, paschka, bread, prawn lakhsa, enjoyed barbecues, casseroles, roasts and swam in the river, went to music concerts and brocantes, sat in the garden and talked and talked. It was a lovely experience and fun.
We did our best to rise above the challenges which seemed to hit us anew each day, designed to destroy a dream enveloped amidst the kaleidoscope of emotions.
REGRET
It makes me sorrowful, regretful and I thought I was the catalyst for what has happened but I know that it was not all my fault and that deeper psychological traumas are responsible for feelings that have been mismanaged by myself and others.
ENJOYMENT
Midsummer came and Eve was fun!
( I'm looking for the PHOTOS.......)
My son and I decided to burn one pair of the several pairs of clogs that had been taken off the walls..... this pair were doomed as the rites were read. We had a marvellous meal I seem to remember and sat reflectively under the stars when my son told me he'd much prefer to see his mother dancing and laughing
JULY 2010
After 7 weeks my world was rather topsy-turvy. My son went home and I went to England where I stayed for the first two weeks of July 2010 and wished I'd stayed there for longer as my birthday in France was the most depressingly, miserable birthday I had ever, ever, ever experienced. No one to share it with. No special meal. No cake. No presents until after the day. My son sent me LOVE because that was all I said I ever wanted and what a surprise to open 4 sculpted letters and my daughter sent me a beautiful glass necklace. I cried.
 |
| Love on a mantelpiece which has been replaced by a woodburner. |
 |
| Pretty glass tear drop to accompany the love I yearned for. |
AUGUST 2010
July disappeared. I rallied. August seemed so cold. When the weather improved two of us spent about 20 hours clearing two gardens where the grasses were over 2 feet tall. Another 10 hours cleared the debris from my stable garage building.
BAD DREAMS
I was sleeping between two houses and on the morning of 7th August 2010 I had a dream with a hugely sized number '7/2/24'. It was telling me where to go on this date. It was rather like the NEON sign 'LOSE' in my dream that I had in March 2010. It was a warning. I camped in my house.
FRUSTRATIONS and SETBACKS
I tried to sand and paint a small room but the finish of the walls and woodwork was poor to start with so how could I make silk out of a sow's ear! It was not what I wanted to achieve. I became angry and frustrated with everything and everyone, recounting in my head past actions, words, emotions and how it could have been made better. I despaired at the whole idea of having bought my house because it seemed that by and large it had brought me hell, unhappiness and thrown my life up into the air in shards of glass, fragments of dust, meaningless matter and all at my age and his!
My daughter sent me a text message to say that there are reasons why I have come to this house and I have to learn what the lessons are. She gave me strength to carry on when all I wanted to do was to crawl into a pit somewhere. On reflection as I write this 17 months after my purchase I consider she was correct.
Then a friend was hospitalised and weirdly this resulted in further worries, deceits, confessions and miseries! When would it ever get better? Because it can't get any worse.... or can it????????
There is a Law of Attraction and a Law of Thought and I have been guilty of the two with my anxiety and paranoia. I also believe that paranoia from elsewhere was also responsible.
A SUMMING UP
In the months from May to August 2010 I was aware of being: active or still, hardworking or lazy, reflective or unable to think, animated or tired, happy or sad, positive or negative, enthusiastic or struggling, proud or ashamed, confident or embarassed, overjoyed or depressed, competent or overwhelmed..... and so many other conditions of JUST BEING that appeared to fluctuate seemingly incessantly, as I waited for each moment to tell me what to do next. Increasingly I heard of people who were unwell and I worried about my own health and that of the people I love and knew that life should be celebrated and not reduced to the negativity, inner injury and tears that seemed to be knocking on my door and that of the people I love.
With regard to my very own house, by August, it felt as if a kind of secret was being revealed to me, demonstrating a range of unexpected feelings; trepidation, fear, anxiety, excitement, energy, enthusiasm, shame, embarassment ( the amount of rubbish destined for the décheterrie), then stillness and calm as I tried to understand how the house wanted to be looked after. I began at some point to feel quite content as I listened to the silence and sounds within and without the stone walls and imagined times gone before and times to come.
