Backtrack - July to September 2010

JULY  AUGUST SEPT 2010

My new house came to a standstill as I took stock of my life and reviewed the goal to get the ground floor of the house ship-shape with running water, a bathroom, a better kitchen and all rooms painted and decorated and NORMAL. How on earth did I think it would happen in just a few weeks? Someone once said of me in my career "Ever the optimist".when things were going awry and I’d made some naïve comment akin to 'it will be alright on the night'.

So .it seems  it will take a little longer than I thought and the plan on how to do it may change but that's OK ... and if I have to struggle a little more in life then "c'est la vie". It's my life and I'll have to do it my way even if I create a muddle as I go. I'll get there wherever that may be. I won't be beaten. That's another lesson that I learnt recently. Pick myself up... get on with it ... keep moving ... keep doing things ... don't brood ... think happy thoughts ... put the music on and dance, dance, dance to the Rolling Stones or reflect quietly with Chopin or Bach.

I am still energised and when I get back to 'work' I will enjoy it because life must be about working. I don't have time to be lazy anymore! I don't have time to waste! I don't have time to spend on negative energies. I want to be positive and happy. I don't want to experience any more horrid moments. I have things to improve and things to sort and dispose of or keep. I have places to go and things to do and people to meet as once my dearest friend once said. That said and one year later I’m aware of how much of my time has been wasted in depression and thinking about others and how my life seems to have taken an unexpected turn. What went wrong and why. Grappling with certain feelings despite all the contradictions.

What lesson am I supposed to learn from owning a stone house with its once 18th/ 19th century beautiful 'to the modern eye' stone walls which suck up the damp from the soil, but which have been covered in plastered insulation board since 25 years ago, and today, we struggle to covert a 21st century look?  

I like the look of French stone walls on the interior of a house so why do I have this house where not a stone can be seen as it is fully plasterboarded and hence potentially very warm inside? 

A message cries out to me to build or buy a modern home, a simple, unashamedly faceless practical residence of a Fairfax-type home where I once lived with its joy of an almost 'maintenance free' lifestyle that it was!   But even that dream has its challenges.  Modern sings to me... as does l'ancienne.    Pick me or Pick me.... the houses say!   Life is just not easy!  My friend wanted me to do build a new house... but I wasn't ready. I felt I did not have sufficient knowledge, expertise or confidence. It is strange because now I know what I would do and how I would do it.  The difference also is that we have some French friends who can help us and if I'd had the courage to approach them a year ago I am sure they would have helped us unravel the building regs for such a project!
For me, the wrinkles become more evident as the brain and wisdom grows.  However, it is my perception that we keep more fit in mind, body and soul by undertaking this project, now that the horrors of what I have undertaken appear to be a little more manageable and under control!
It has been a scary experience.... and I am not out of the woods yet....
MESSAGE:   
KNOW what thy doeth when a French renovation project calleth,  and even when one thinketh one knoweth all, be humbleth when knoweth nought!!!!!!!!!
As my French friends tell me ... when one buys an old house it can be aesthetically beautiful but one does not know the surprises that one purchases.   When one has a new build there are no surprises! I now believe!

Winter Blues

is what I'm a sufferin' from, I reckon, so I've found me some music to cheer up my soul.  I accept the need to curl up like a hedgehog and sleep a thousand leagues under my duvet ... for the winter darkened days... trouble is ....I need to get on and my body and mind just don't seem to let me!  I just love the music and imagery with the second video.  An accomplished guitarist too and the stones and woodland remind me of where I live.  Winter Bones and Stones. I miss my Summer Spirit.

I am a leaf

A leaf tells of an adventure downstream

I am a leaf floating on the current.

Other leaves float alongside me.

We float separately but some are nearer than others.

Some move faster and overtake me.

I take my time.

I move faster than others,

making quicker progress to reach those who have passed me by.

We’re heading towards the sea, a very long journey.

However, I know not where I am destined

as many of us will reach a different end.

From time to time another leaf falls from a tree and joins us.

Trees were our birthplace

where last Spring we leafed into bright green clothing,

vivid, vibrant, rustling, fluttering in the breezes.

But as Autumn arrived we changed our apparel,

yellow, orange, red, brown, as trees discarded us.

Very few of us will meet the mighty ocean.

Most will be pummelled into the river bank mud

to disintegrate and be transformed into river sediment.

The rain, snow and ice could batter us to death before we’ve achieved our ageing process.

Some of us are in better shape than others.

Some of us look quite elegant and beautiful floating in style.

Others seem to be clutching at the surface of the water with leafy tenacity. 

Others have already drowned and lie at the bottom of the river in swathes.

It does not matter how we present ourselves in life.

We all have the same fate.

We all look the same once we have perished.

We journey on to enjoy the view and as we gently drift,

look down into depths of unknown territory, darkness and murky blackness,

to study the reflections of the trees who still cling onto fellow friends.

Some trees never let our cousins fall from their symbiosis remaining evergreen.

We though are free, abandoned, rejected, call it what you will.

We are made to endure a journey – an adventure downstream.

We may be lucky, we may suffer.

We accept our fate, for now we are gladly carried to what we will become.

Peace and Understanding

Peace is essential for living. Not only do we try to remember those who without dignity died fighting in the most dire conditions that you would not even expect an animal to endure but also we try to remember that they died struggling for peace, understanding and acceptance of the differences between different lands, cultures and peoples.  Sometimes perhaps we should try and forget past aggressions and wars so that inner peace within us has an opportunity to develop and bring harmony to the world as well as to our inner soul, our family and friends. 
For many years I upheld the Catholic faith to the best of my ability which was never good enough and I knew that.  But what is perfect? Before that I had my own beliefs which I continued to believe with modification and despite loving much of the Catholic faith especially the songs and hymns which I used to play every day on the piano, I never became a Catholic in the 23 years that I worked within the Catholic environment.  Two more years and I would have been eligible for a Papal medal if the secretary was awarded one after 25 years service to the establishment!   I made mistakes but I did my best not to be hypocritical (yet I think I probably was) and I did my best to keep the peace and to teach children that respect between people is a gift and is something to be valued in our attempt to acknowledge that people are very much the same despite differences in appearance, faiths, beliefs and much more.
When my father died this is the song that came spontaneously and which I sang all alone in a Church in Spain where there was no other family member except my daughter.  He saw terrible atrocities in the war and told me about some on the very last day I ever met him. It was as if a burden had been lifted for him because he said he had never ever told anyone this part of his story.  His only sibling sister was dying and he knew he would never see her again.  Tragically, he died soon after from a traffic accident and lost the power of speech.  He made his own decision not to burden anyone. 
This is the song I sang spontaneously today just after 11am on 11th day of the 11th month of the year 2011 as I sat in my garden listening to the clock strike the hour, as I sat and with my own reflections with hands covered in dirt and imagined those who fought in trenches, those who fought for the Fair Winds of France and England to bring freedom from fighting, to give those who came after Peace.  Each verse is repeated but Peace is replaced with Love, Joy, Hope.

Peace is flowing like a river,
Flowing out through you and me,
Spreading out into the desert,
Setting all the captives free.

On another note:
Today I was speaking to a friend about the larger pansies which compared to the diminutive ones seem to have a disappointed attitude as they bow their heads. 

Zaidi Zaidi - a Macedonian Song

Exquisite Sevdah sung by Amira Medunjanin from Bosnia and music from Sidonia, Romania, Estonia.
Listen to the delayed acoustics and the beautiful duduk, a variety of shawm.