Owning property is never labour free

MAY 1st... Labour Day!
Muguet has not flouished in the last year of dormancy; it has mostly died when it had been good for several years. There is just a little of the Lily of the Valley surviving and one flower stem.

A few days ago we went to the LOFT cinema in Chatellerault to see the Australian film of the memoirs "TRACKS"... after the novel of the memoirs of the Camel Lady who crossed the desert in 1975.

I really enjoyed it.. One needs the BIG screen.  However, i thought the actress never looked sufficiently dishevelled!   Brave woman in reality!   Inspiring and motivating . No, I could not do that!

I had been bored with blogging but feel an urge to write and publish once again!
I also feel a need to get 'out and about in real life', on real adventures, however small, like that of yesterday, but it helps to have company some of the time!

Sixth Anniversary

I have owned this house for six years today.

Then, it was a warm day when I sat in La Roche Posay with four brothers, whose parents' house I bought.

Today, whilst the sun peeps through from time to time, it is extremely cold.

My friend / former partner, whom I have anguished much over in the last six years, despite his absolute kindness and generosity, borne of guilt and obligation in helping me renovate this house,  but also suiting his own needs, wished to walk today.   I did too, as work on the kitchen has stopped for a while.  He is resting before his next assignment... (not here).  I am resting before all the next things that I have to do.

More about the walk today in the bitter wind and rain... and the many things that have happened in the last month or two,  once I get time alone to write and organise the photos, the technology of which is beyond me on how to store them so I can access easily!  Also, for me writing has to be a slo time, a time when I can indulge my own thinking. I do it for me and nto for anyone else.  A sort of diary I suppose.

Computers are a painful but useful tool!

Later!

Five year anniversary

I have owned my first French property five years today... and WHAT IS MORE... I have mostly stopped crying!!! YAY... Maybe, there will be another five years as I have promised myself 'no escaping yet'!!! ... and even though, at times I yearn to return to 'a homeland', this is now my home.  I wish to make it more so.
I have regained independence and some of my old strengths.  I am not ashamed of dependence on others for their support, love and care, however distant they are around the world...friends, cousins, kith and kin. I welcome those who can renovate and repair for I am unskilled in such matters. I make a good skivvy. However... Just a few days ago, I found the correct allen key and managed to get the toilet lid and seat correctly aligned so that it was not falling apart, which it dd, in the course of trying to get the whole-damn-thing back to being self-closure. About half way through the task, when I started to sob a teary eye,  I felt as if I could stick my head down the loo, flush the system and drown!!! "Would that solve the issue?"  I asked myself.   NOPE!  Then I managed its intricate ways!  I DO delight in the way a toilet seat slowly descends. Gently I say to those who bang the lid!!!! 

 Five years ago one part looked like this:
My house was purchased after the death of other dear human souls. I was destined to be the owner occupier.  Now the roof has been replaced with new windows in it and the lucarne. The guttering is different. I love my new roof. The roofers were so kind, patient and tolerant.  In the near future I am hoping that the brown kitchen window and door will be improved!

Almost at the beginning of this blog is a posting about the signing day on 30 April 2010 with a pic of me looking happier than I had for several years.  I was in disbelief when 'a little bird' told me 'bon courage'...  I certainly needed that! Then within a few weeks it was all change! 

Now, 2015...the transformed front courtyard garden will be lower maintenance and more joyful!
Today I am ecstatically happy to hear the nightingale and cuckoo. I love April and May!

almost done, more done since the photo date, and more to do!!!!

Currently, house and garden maintenance, administrative tasks, CLEARANCE of clutter and possessions in the ATTIC, kitchen replacement and other things on the TO DO list are somewhat overwhelming!
I am mostly happy to live here. It is my success story against adversity and struggle and am in good health.
The Future: Living is Hard Work but hopefully there will be more opportunities for playtime! I am lucky in many ways.




 

Lily of the Valley

May 1st ... Labour Day.... to celebrate workers...
MUGUET.... Lily of the Valley is the symbol and this year it was neither early or late but in bloom on the day in my courtyard pots.

I continue my work ... into the 5th year of owning a French house... Believe me, it is NOT the same as owning ENGLISH property...
Many people in UK know that one should not spend more on a property than the value of the property... and some people / properties do get into negative equity.... yet, in France... unless one can do all the work to a quality standard oneself and not necessarily have UK ideals...one loses an arm and a leg for idealism........and one can quickly become in negative equity or not depending also on currency exchange.

I love the fact that my house requires WORK but it's a slog and much better when I share motivation from someone who can help me!
You see, I chose to stay because I love the space and sense of freedom as well as a reasonable sense of privacy from neighbours that this house gives me ... as well as those circular walks or cycle rides when I see no one for one or two or more hours!!!
I love my house for the space I exist in, though recognize there is more space to accumulate ... and THAT has to be resolved.

Imagine the freedom of being able to play piano at any o'clock!
Imagine the freedom of being able to play rock music / classical music LOUD full volume!!!
Imagine the peace and stillness with hardly any intrusive noise from BIG WIDE WORLD traffic or otherwise.  Nothing awakes me... not even the alarm clock at the moment because I am so shattered!
When the shutters are open I see the light! Haha!
AND SO... those are some of the reasons why I have remained in France despite adversity of a loss of a loving companionship as well as living in isolation!!!
BUT. there is Hope for Clarity and increasing happiness on the horizon. I have friends, young and old, and I have fun! I have started to take responsibility for myself and do not feel abandoned by even me and I don't accept any one blaming me and rejecting me ... for they need to look at their inner self.
I can laugh again! I am grown up! If I need to play and enjoy life then I can! If I need to WORK in my house and garden I can!

Have got to play a new record in 2014... create new stories...let go of the past...creating something from it!  Work towards wherever I might be in 5 years time!

French Home Ownership

Fourth Anniversary of the Signing of the Acte de Vente 
If you scroll down on the above link you can read the story.
Four years later...
I can't quite believe I shed so many tears...
I can't quite believe I had such a lot to learn...
I can't quite believe the journey that I've made...
I can't quite believe that I am still here...
I can't quite believe how strong I am...

The friend,
the one who says he has stood by me despite the traumas of his own making
and those that I made,
and those that we made together,
and whom I too have stood by despite knowing the price I pay...
he, who was the supportive little bird saying 'Bravo" is about to start on his own adventure.

When he signs his Acte de Vente, as a seller, and not as a buyer,
the little bird, the free bird, the one inside me
will say "Bravo" to him for very different reasons.
I shall hope and pray that his wings stay strong on his journey
and that he learns all that he has to learn,
as I have had to learn my lessons then so will he have to learn his
for what goes around, comes around!
I am grateful to him for his contribution to my story in my home.
I couldn't have done it without him!
But...
I would have found a different way!
I shall not be manipulated and controlled by an adult parent of an adult child any longer ... it will not work!
How ironic is life.
I must laugh in order to keep sane with what is happening at the moment!
Who would have thought life would be like this!
I am my own fool, yet, there is room for wisdom to emerge!

Twelve years ago

... today, I became the owner of half a former English inn ... it was 400 years old, behind which, were old Tannery buildings, some had been demolished but others were renovated as storage, garage or workshop. I employed my best friend to renovate which he did exquisitely!  That house was my pride and joy apart from the fact traffic vibrated the living accommodation on the second floor in the loft space!  The pavement in front of the house was not really wide enough for a wheelchair or pushchair. One could almost reach out and touch the buses! I have some regret leaving that beautiful home which was haunted and I only discovered that in the last week.  The stained glass window on the front door was my design, representing the town and common, painted beautifully by my friend's daughter. One of our cats, Little Feat, used to greet Neal Powell, an author, almost every time he walked through the back yard. He adored her when she rolled over his brown polished leather shoes.

I must find photos of interior and exterior. It is one of my jobs to trawl through a lifetime of photos, paper, framed and unframed, and those on CD and on iphoto........ help!

My house was by the river, not far from Elizabeth Jane Howard's island. I always thought she was a most beautiful woman but when I lived near her I was too busy to read her novels. I enjoyed the recent BBC radio 4 serialisation of The Cazalets, always thinking that I could hear “her” speaking, then to my surprise I discovered that much was based on her own experiences.  I could sympathise and empathise with her somewhat Bohemian lifestyle, failed marriages, affairs of the heart, passion, mooning over men, mistreatment yet she'd had a good life …such ambivalence is there in love and passion. I know bohemian but not all her traumas, thank goodness!

I had the enormous privilege of meeting her in her kitchen. I remember being served tea and cake,  being in awe of her very simple lifestyle which reminded me of my grandmother, being allowed to wander onto her very own island. What joy to be on that piece of land that I had coveted and marveled at just a few years before, when, not knowing the future, I had stood on The Common and decided that I wished to live "over there". Unwittingly, unknowingly, I completed my dream in 2002.  It was several years later that the memory of the incident returned. 

What a wonderful thing for her to have lived where she lived and to have written from her heart.

What a wonderful thing for me that I met her... just the once and I can write from my heart.  She was a great authoress.  In Memoriam.

A new beginning, an old end and continuation

THREE YEARS: On 30th April 2010 I signed lots of papers to become a French property owner, losing a lottadosh on the sterling to euro exchange which was heartbreaking but it was done. Did it really matter? It was the start of exciting times, dashed a little later! It was the end of acute anxiety and the beginning of more, but worse, much worse! It was my body telling me that something was not well! At times I thought I was about to have a heart attack! Much has happened. I'm not sure what level of progress I wished to make but there was a theory it would take a summer!!! HOHOHO! What a romantic thought that was wearing rose-tinted spectacles! I've grown emotionally, learned a few lessons, yet still have much to grow fruitfully, before it is my solitary end. Not always sufficiently mindful, I lose my way, needing to stop and start again. Roses and Fire. There have been some wonderfully warm and rosy moments; stunning food, experiences, finding solutions to diy problems, achieving projects. Also many a flame destroyed as well as cleansed.  BUT all shall be well. HOPE is what may lead to bliss, when struggles have been an endurance.  I have been lucky and I am lucky to have two small to moderate pensions, a roof over my head, a very good friend and basic needs with no absolute natural or otherwise disasters, thanks be to God. I am surviving. Onwards to continue what has been started but with French stone house renovation there is never an end!  

Yesterday's poem is linked with how I feel. My son had to study Little Gidding for GCSE or A level!! I know I'm more mature because I can begin to understand some of it now, but as a parent nurturing one's offspring to study, it was beyond me without computer advice!

I'm trying to find photos of how the house was at the beginning. Soon!

A year ago today

It was a year ago today I moved house completely and after all was done and I was ensconced in my very own French property I sat on the kitchen sill in the sunshine with a cup of tea in my hand, thinking that I would like to knit!!!!!! Actually, I prefer crochet.
Postscript: Miss Monkey was finished in July 2012 after 4 years in the making! She only needed stuffing and her features added! I think Grace liked her!

A second anniversary

From tears and demolition

From hard graft and sweat

From vinyl, glue and rubble 

From a house and garden burdened with wood, nails, metal, and other stuff

To two rooms clutter free.

To laughter, leisure, relaxation, pleasure

To furnished and finished floors

To sleep and reflection 

For work is not yet finished.

Tears continue from time to time

Without skills for the next round of home improvement

Energy levels and motivation need to be grasped

So much has been achieved but I have wasted time

and now I try and get a different grip on the future 

and not on the floor!

These photographs show how The Small Room  has developed.
Two years ago I signed the Acte De Vente and I became an owner of French property.

Recently, cousins made encouraging comments about how beautiful the finished rooms are with the observation that the property IS A LARGE PROJECT, of which I do not need a reminder.  An English couple a few weeks ago suggested that I / we had achieved a lot in two years.  It's true if I could re-run the video...but on the other hand I am capable of complete and utter laziness coupled with exhaustion and fatigue, of which I am not proud.

House ownership requires responsibility. Now I felt THAT in UK, with the three properties I had part-owned or owned entirely, but nothing prepared me for the vision, courage and responsibility required for not only this property, but also for myself.

My learning is not yet over for Life continues. I've had to grow up, stop being parented, stop being needy. These behaviour patterns developed in life but especially after M.E. and then after a total collapse just under a decade ago .......... there are no excuses. I've had to learn to make decisions and choices and budget large sums of money that scare me.  I have failed at times.  I'm scared of having savings and scared of having none.  I need to develop bravery and courage.
The trauma in the last few years has been quite damaging.  I've hurt people and been hurt myself.  I haven't always been very nice and have shamed and been ashamed. I fully understand why events turned the way they have,  and although I know why it did not need to have been like that. I am in remorse and this holds me back.

I have had to learn to live alone without the support of my adult children and without acquaintances nearby.  I am grateful that my son helped me.  I am grateful that my daughter nags me from a distance.  I am also grateful that a friend returned to help me, to give support, to give technical and practical assistance.  Despite all the waters that have flowed under the bridge and all the emotions that have accompanied the tidal waves, and despite the viewpoints of others who were hurt in the flak, the friend has been without question the only one who could have helped me in such extended support, given the circumstances that I chose and given the circumstances that I have not addressed.

I can't say that I'm happy on this second anniversary, but I am happier than in June 2010.  I can't say that I am sad.  I can say that from time to time I suffer from acute anxiety with fear that appears to paralyze my body and brain and I feel as if I have lost the plot of sanity. I think it comes of living alone.  I can say that I am beginning to look more clearly at possibilities for the future.  I can say that I try to be more positive and optimistic and go with the flow.  I try to make boundaries.

So during all this  learning of self-awareness, I want to live and not always be renovating.  There are so many other things in life.  I know that I am on avoidance of some things and have been for many years.  Time to address issues.  It will be wonderful when rooms don't look like a workshop and when I have some proper storage facilities.

And so on this day,  I celebrate survival and will try to address the goals which need to be achieved within the next year.  I will try to be a better parent and better homeowner, a better friend to everyone including my inner me.

Backtrack - July to September 2010

JULY  AUGUST SEPT 2010

My new house came to a standstill as I took stock of my life and reviewed the goal to get the ground floor of the house ship-shape with running water, a bathroom, a better kitchen and all rooms painted and decorated and NORMAL. How on earth did I think it would happen in just a few weeks? Someone once said of me in my career "Ever the optimist".when things were going awry and I’d made some naïve comment akin to 'it will be alright on the night'.

So .it seems  it will take a little longer than I thought and the plan on how to do it may change but that's OK ... and if I have to struggle a little more in life then "c'est la vie". It's my life and I'll have to do it my way even if I create a muddle as I go. I'll get there wherever that may be. I won't be beaten. That's another lesson that I learnt recently. Pick myself up... get on with it ... keep moving ... keep doing things ... don't brood ... think happy thoughts ... put the music on and dance, dance, dance to the Rolling Stones or reflect quietly with Chopin or Bach.

I am still energised and when I get back to 'work' I will enjoy it because life must be about working. I don't have time to be lazy anymore! I don't have time to waste! I don't have time to spend on negative energies. I want to be positive and happy. I don't want to experience any more horrid moments. I have things to improve and things to sort and dispose of or keep. I have places to go and things to do and people to meet as once my dearest friend once said. That said and one year later I’m aware of how much of my time has been wasted in depression and thinking about others and how my life seems to have taken an unexpected turn. What went wrong and why. Grappling with certain feelings despite all the contradictions.

What lesson am I supposed to learn from owning a stone house with its once 18th/ 19th century beautiful 'to the modern eye' stone walls which suck up the damp from the soil, but which have been covered in plastered insulation board since 25 years ago, and today, we struggle to covert a 21st century look?  

I like the look of French stone walls on the interior of a house so why do I have this house where not a stone can be seen as it is fully plasterboarded and hence potentially very warm inside? 

A message cries out to me to build or buy a modern home, a simple, unashamedly faceless practical residence of a Fairfax-type home where I once lived with its joy of an almost 'maintenance free' lifestyle that it was!   But even that dream has its challenges.  Modern sings to me... as does l'ancienne.    Pick me or Pick me.... the houses say!   Life is just not easy!  My friend wanted me to do build a new house... but I wasn't ready. I felt I did not have sufficient knowledge, expertise or confidence. It is strange because now I know what I would do and how I would do it.  The difference also is that we have some French friends who can help us and if I'd had the courage to approach them a year ago I am sure they would have helped us unravel the building regs for such a project!
For me, the wrinkles become more evident as the brain and wisdom grows.  However, it is my perception that we keep more fit in mind, body and soul by undertaking this project, now that the horrors of what I have undertaken appear to be a little more manageable and under control!
It has been a scary experience.... and I am not out of the woods yet....
MESSAGE:   
KNOW what thy doeth when a French renovation project calleth,  and even when one thinketh one knoweth all, be humbleth when knoweth nought!!!!!!!!!
As my French friends tell me ... when one buys an old house it can be aesthetically beautiful but one does not know the surprises that one purchases.   When one has a new build there are no surprises! I now believe!

Cleaning up

September  2011

It might not seem much to anyone else, but the exterior workshop attached to the house in a most bizarre manner, received a spring clean on the inside! It was not the best of jobs but now it's ready for the next bout of chaos-producing renovation, making space for the tools to return.

My very, very, very fine house

May 2010

My very, very, very fine house

It consists of two buildings joined to make an L-shaped property:

1. the original long farm house with a centrally placed chimney / fireplace

2. a barn conversion

A neighbour, who used to live in this house, remembers the farmhouse section being one room,   The position of the entrance doors and chimney confirm this.  She used to wash in a lead bath in the room behind what is now the kitchen.  That room now contains the oil fired central heating system which I'm not using.  It was a very grubby, damp and unpleasant cellar type room.  I now call it the buanderie (laundry room).  It's interesting because this particular part of the property is on the Napoleon cadastral plan.  The neighbour also remembers the house being divided into three small rooms. What is now my ‘small room’ was once the kitchen and what is now the kitchen was once a bedroom. And what is now the oval room was once the living/dining room and still is.

The barn conversion has a bedroom and bathroom and a large living room with a staircase to the attic plus access to a workshop and the rear garden.  The house decoration and barn conversion were made in 1985; the date under the removed wallpaper confirms this!  The large French-brown gates can be closed on the outer world for privacy in the courtyard or be opened wide!

This photo was taken in April just before I bought the property.

The neighbour's garden is behind my barn. The workshop has been constructed of old doors and windows but the footplan is concrete so it will be easy to gain permission to convert it into a pretty verandah. I have a huge water cistern in the ground which collects rain water from the gutters. Looking at the photo the building on the right is not mine.  Out of view is a scruffy shed area and a hen house. No I don't have any inclination to keep chickens.  The garden is L-shaped. It's a wonderful garden because it is very private!

A heritage song comes to mind:  

Crosby Stills Nash & Young - Our House (Live 1974) with thanks to YouTube

What happened to sensibility?

May 2010

To begin with, disbelief set in. I remember feeling disconnected with reality, attempting to pretend that the property was not mine! For a week or I was on avoidance by acting as a tourist at the local medieval event and then circumstances were such that I had no transport to travel the 30 minute drive to 'my house'.   Then my adult son, invited by both my partner and myself, arrived with strong arms, energy and expertise.....wake up RestlessinFrance and get your teeth into WORK! 

Within a few days I knew that I needed extra TIME to consider what I wanted to do with the house  but there was no TIME other than time to labour.   I adhered to the recommendations that one should not plan too much before becoming the owner of a property and also that one should inhabit a house for a while before making changes.  However, I could not have lived in the house in the state it was in.  It had a lovely ambiance but the wallpaper itself and the French brown woodwork would have driven me nuts!  I plunged in!

Indecisiveness had been an ever increasing problem for about 6 years, as a result of losing my career, bereavements and a major operation.  It's weird how the mind can be affected!  The  trauma resulted in mental and emotional dysfunction causing low self-esteem and it was difficult to manage in a mature way.  Now, on a steep learning curve, the men-in-charge needed me to make decisions and direct them as to what to do!  This pressure caused further anxiety when I had become used to deferring to others, and in doing so denying self-responsibility.  I always seemed to need multiple choices to see which one to choose!   It only caused disorganisation!

My son tried to teach me to have courage in the face of adversity.  He'd experienced a nightmare from hell renovation project when he and his girlfriend bought WendyAnn2 to convert to a house-boat.   If you read the start of his blog, dip into the postings and see today’s results you will marvel at their grit and determination to succeed where others would have given up.  It was character building.  I took heart from him.  There he was parenting me and encouraging me to think positively.   Mantras were necessary:

“I must tell myself I CAN make decisions.

I must NOT be worried about this and that.
I CAN do it.

I WILL do it.

 It will be OK!
     Don't give up!”  

I could see the enormity of work having removed the rose-tinted spectacles.  Depression on the Road to Hell was setting in!  Already it was clear that ambitions exceeded available funding and care would be necessary even just to update the ground floor.  

Initially the project was thought to be a make-over, however “maquillage” is camouflage.  My son was amazed at how I could think that the project could be achieved in a summer.  I didn’t want ‘to paper over cracks’  and gradually I realised what style and standard I wanted to achieve.  Oh dear, My mother always said I had ideas above my station.  A whole new spin was unknowingly developing inside my head whilst I stripped wallpaper from every room whilst I cried and fought internal as well as external battles!  My memory of this is etched on my brain!The top layer of stringy brown wallpaper revealed the paper firmly stuck to the plasterboard below.  It looked to be a long and painful endurance test to expose the bare walls but after several soakings with water and washing up liquid then applying the steamer kettle with one hand and scraping with the other the task became easier.  Little by little, it will be achieved!

My project carved itself into life. Physical exercise woke up the unused muscles which in turn began to creak at the end of a long disciplined working day.  It was essential to keep up the daily grind.  Social activities became fraught.  Life became ...'fall out of bed, rush to work, be active all day, rush home, have bath, cook meal, beaver away at domestic duties and fall into bed....late!'  Bizarrely, I loved the energy it gave me!  I had really slowed down and now I had the rekindled the kind of energy I had in my career days,  even if it did appear manic to those around me! I was also getting a good night's sleep free of anxiety! That was oh so GOOD!

Shopping for building materials re-entered our lives.  This became frustrating in its apparent consumption of time.  Travelling, purchasing and transporting goods in central France is not a quick fix!  N.B. When buying a house in Central France, ensure you have a DIY store nearby! I forgot about that on my list of criteria for buying a house!

Restless at the start

April 30th 2010

 

Once the four brothers and I had signed our names on every page of the Acte de Vente my anxieties were replaced by others but a supportive little bird, held my hand and said "Bravo".  I was so happy,  realizing the importance of this momentous occasion of buying a house in France!  I was not to be restless!  There was to be no more house searching, no more worries about whether a choice or decision is correct, no more money sitting in the bank,  here I was with responsibility creating a whole new stress curve,  just so I could have the security of owning "bricks and mortar" to make a home of my very own. 

My purchase included: 

1. one house with a courtyard and a garden on one plot of land 

2. one garage / stable building with planning permission to convert and extend into a dwelling. 

September 2011
During the last 15 months I've been through a gamut of emotions which are far too difficult to express or even explain.  Colourful it has been!  I'm not sure that I want to delve deeply when it has all been set down and the past is now the past!  
But set down I have been, set down to be in my very own "home" in the present!
 Perhaps it's just not worth the time and energy to try and answer why things are as they are!

This is this and I am lucky to have this as it is.
I am fortunate.

My house and home

On 30th April 2010, I signed for the purchase of my very own property situated in "un plus beaux village de France".  It had been my dream for 7 years since first setting sight on this delightful village and although I had looked at many houses they were always rejected because they were not pretty enough or were without a garden or were without exterior or side windows!
I'd been RestlessinFrance for many years having sold my beautifully renovated 400 year old former English inn, and being Cancerian, needed to have property of my very own.  This is part of my "empire"and I still don't understand why I have it!  I repainted the shutters which were previously brown.