A second anniversary

From tears and demolition

From hard graft and sweat

From vinyl, glue and rubble 

From a house and garden burdened with wood, nails, metal, and other stuff

To two rooms clutter free.

To laughter, leisure, relaxation, pleasure

To furnished and finished floors

To sleep and reflection 

For work is not yet finished.

Tears continue from time to time

Without skills for the next round of home improvement

Energy levels and motivation need to be grasped

So much has been achieved but I have wasted time

and now I try and get a different grip on the future 

and not on the floor!

These photographs show how The Small Room  has developed.
Two years ago I signed the Acte De Vente and I became an owner of French property.

Recently, cousins made encouraging comments about how beautiful the finished rooms are with the observation that the property IS A LARGE PROJECT, of which I do not need a reminder.  An English couple a few weeks ago suggested that I / we had achieved a lot in two years.  It's true if I could re-run the video...but on the other hand I am capable of complete and utter laziness coupled with exhaustion and fatigue, of which I am not proud.

House ownership requires responsibility. Now I felt THAT in UK, with the three properties I had part-owned or owned entirely, but nothing prepared me for the vision, courage and responsibility required for not only this property, but also for myself.

My learning is not yet over for Life continues. I've had to grow up, stop being parented, stop being needy. These behaviour patterns developed in life but especially after M.E. and then after a total collapse just under a decade ago .......... there are no excuses. I've had to learn to make decisions and choices and budget large sums of money that scare me.  I have failed at times.  I'm scared of having savings and scared of having none.  I need to develop bravery and courage.
The trauma in the last few years has been quite damaging.  I've hurt people and been hurt myself.  I haven't always been very nice and have shamed and been ashamed. I fully understand why events turned the way they have,  and although I know why it did not need to have been like that. I am in remorse and this holds me back.

I have had to learn to live alone without the support of my adult children and without acquaintances nearby.  I am grateful that my son helped me.  I am grateful that my daughter nags me from a distance.  I am also grateful that a friend returned to help me, to give support, to give technical and practical assistance.  Despite all the waters that have flowed under the bridge and all the emotions that have accompanied the tidal waves, and despite the viewpoints of others who were hurt in the flak, the friend has been without question the only one who could have helped me in such extended support, given the circumstances that I chose and given the circumstances that I have not addressed.

I can't say that I'm happy on this second anniversary, but I am happier than in June 2010.  I can't say that I am sad.  I can say that from time to time I suffer from acute anxiety with fear that appears to paralyze my body and brain and I feel as if I have lost the plot of sanity. I think it comes of living alone.  I can say that I am beginning to look more clearly at possibilities for the future.  I can say that I try to be more positive and optimistic and go with the flow.  I try to make boundaries.

So during all this  learning of self-awareness, I want to live and not always be renovating.  There are so many other things in life.  I know that I am on avoidance of some things and have been for many years.  Time to address issues.  It will be wonderful when rooms don't look like a workshop and when I have some proper storage facilities.

And so on this day,  I celebrate survival and will try to address the goals which need to be achieved within the next year.  I will try to be a better parent and better homeowner, a better friend to everyone including my inner me.