A second anniversary

From tears and demolition

From hard graft and sweat

From vinyl, glue and rubble 

From a house and garden burdened with wood, nails, metal, and other stuff

To two rooms clutter free.

To laughter, leisure, relaxation, pleasure

To furnished and finished floors

To sleep and reflection 

For work is not yet finished.

Tears continue from time to time

Without skills for the next round of home improvement

Energy levels and motivation need to be grasped

So much has been achieved but I have wasted time

and now I try and get a different grip on the future 

and not on the floor!

These photographs show how The Small Room  has developed.
Two years ago I signed the Acte De Vente and I became an owner of French property.

Recently, cousins made encouraging comments about how beautiful the finished rooms are with the observation that the property IS A LARGE PROJECT, of which I do not need a reminder.  An English couple a few weeks ago suggested that I / we had achieved a lot in two years.  It's true if I could re-run the video...but on the other hand I am capable of complete and utter laziness coupled with exhaustion and fatigue, of which I am not proud.

House ownership requires responsibility. Now I felt THAT in UK, with the three properties I had part-owned or owned entirely, but nothing prepared me for the vision, courage and responsibility required for not only this property, but also for myself.

My learning is not yet over for Life continues. I've had to grow up, stop being parented, stop being needy. These behaviour patterns developed in life but especially after M.E. and then after a total collapse just under a decade ago .......... there are no excuses. I've had to learn to make decisions and choices and budget large sums of money that scare me.  I have failed at times.  I'm scared of having savings and scared of having none.  I need to develop bravery and courage.
The trauma in the last few years has been quite damaging.  I've hurt people and been hurt myself.  I haven't always been very nice and have shamed and been ashamed. I fully understand why events turned the way they have,  and although I know why it did not need to have been like that. I am in remorse and this holds me back.

I have had to learn to live alone without the support of my adult children and without acquaintances nearby.  I am grateful that my son helped me.  I am grateful that my daughter nags me from a distance.  I am also grateful that a friend returned to help me, to give support, to give technical and practical assistance.  Despite all the waters that have flowed under the bridge and all the emotions that have accompanied the tidal waves, and despite the viewpoints of others who were hurt in the flak, the friend has been without question the only one who could have helped me in such extended support, given the circumstances that I chose and given the circumstances that I have not addressed.

I can't say that I'm happy on this second anniversary, but I am happier than in June 2010.  I can't say that I am sad.  I can say that from time to time I suffer from acute anxiety with fear that appears to paralyze my body and brain and I feel as if I have lost the plot of sanity. I think it comes of living alone.  I can say that I am beginning to look more clearly at possibilities for the future.  I can say that I try to be more positive and optimistic and go with the flow.  I try to make boundaries.

So during all this  learning of self-awareness, I want to live and not always be renovating.  There are so many other things in life.  I know that I am on avoidance of some things and have been for many years.  Time to address issues.  It will be wonderful when rooms don't look like a workshop and when I have some proper storage facilities.

And so on this day,  I celebrate survival and will try to address the goals which need to be achieved within the next year.  I will try to be a better parent and better homeowner, a better friend to everyone including my inner me.

Lovely walk

Sun shimmering on noisy waters of a rushing river,
light blitzing pupils in the eyes as sun shafts beam fragmented in the liquid,
purple toothwort, not spotted yesterday, parasitic on roots of trees,
step down steps that could easily be slipped upon,
climb up slopes of rocky terrain where rain made mud,
Limbering, liberating limbs.

Aperos

Yesterday, I invited some French friends, who I had not met for a while, for evening aperos.  I served a Baron de Pierre Bordeaux 2008 and I could tell by the way that F swirled the glass and looked at it that it was to his satisfaction.   I've become out of the habit of purchasing cheaper wine in favour of upping the expense. It seems that better wine gets savoured, not quaffed and these days my consumption of wine has reduced.  Maybe I am not drowning my sorrows??!!
I created my strangely folded pastry bites made with sun-dried tomatoes and smoked salmon, or in this case, anchovy hors d'oeuvres...with a platter of dried fruits, nuts and olives. It was a French compliment that E liked the fact that I had not kept the cheese in the refrigerator.  I rarely keep cheese in the fridge as my cold larder room is sufficiently cold to prevent real cheese from running away with itself!
When they arrived, I heard a sentence about "en beauté" ... I asked for this to be repeated. I need to slow down their rapid speech and to comprehend what on earth they were talking about.  F explained that each time they saw me, then my hair, my clothes, ..... not completely understanding 'les nuances d'expression' and being modest to begin with, eventually I had to express an "ooh la la" and laugh, when I realised that they were being charming, as only ever the French are,  courteous, kind and complimentary.   I am not a person of beauty but sometimes I believe I can exude a kind of radiance and delight to be with company.  When not alone in my head, I feel as if I am a different person. I'm writing this information to myself so that I can learn to keep my morale on the up!!!!!!!

I am with you always

I love this card by Elizabeth Wang.  I received it from my lovely daughter.  I placed a lemon in front of the postcard because it arrived on my wonky, lemony day and because the citric colour from the citrus fruits energised my own thoughts.  The religious interpretation of the card causes me to reflect upon the person who chose it for me! I wished to share it with others.

Good News

The woodburner was re-installed a few weeks ago.  Again, the room looks very beautiful. 

I had to gather courage to light it. Fortunately the days became colder. It has performed well on several lightings and doesn't roar as once it did.  I've noticed that the bottom hinge pin on the door is rusty...it's such a little thing that I don't want to be a nuisance to the company but feel I do need to tell as it grates, (excuse the pun), as I open and close the door.

I can't thank my helper enough in getting it sorted. 

I shall call those two rooms "The Annexe" as they are a haven of peace amidst chaos and dust.

When Life gives Lemons

When Life gives Lemons.........

No, I'm not going to make lemonade although several weeks ago when Spring brought promise of Summer only to jet us into Winter, I did think real lemonade would be rather nice.
Today, any lemony thought makes me suck in the cheeks to give that expression that I was often accused of when I hadn't approved of something, and which also someone else I knew demonstrated on a daily basis.
I'm sure the Lemons will turn into something sweeter as Time progresses.
I need to identify goals with zest, which are achievable but not put them all into one basket, like eggs!
Lemons and Goals in Life are sometimes overwhelmingly bitter unless taken with a drop of Gin.
Not only Lemons, but setbacks can be annoyingly, depressingly frustrating, causing a need to throw the Lemons through the air!
But I do like a slice of lemon in my Earl Grey tea, home-made Lemon Meringue Pie, Pickled lemons with Moroccan lamb, Marmalade and many other lemony-flavoured foods ... so maybe gather the lemons that arrive on my doorstep and get cracking... oh..that's eggs... and I definitely must not put them all into one basket!

The Bathroom

Q: How am I getting along with bathroom renovations? 
A:  Yes, it's two months since I blogged about a bath and having a laugh.
Yes, since then work stopped for 2 weeks whilst I went to UK.
Yes, since then, wall tiles have been grouted.
The walls have been painted but may need further coats as I did not get quite the colours I envisaged.
Plumbing of waste water is more or less done.
Other plumbing is all installed but has to be tested after the connection is made with the pipes that come from the chauffeau thermodynamique (posh water heater that absorbs heat from the room!)
The sink shelf had a set back in that my choice of sink was wrong.... although it was the correct size for the table top.  Somehow, it always did have a question mark about it and yet I didn't want to give up on it. However, the deciding factor WAS that the through route was thought to be too narrow between the corners of the sink and the bath.   A corner sink was suggested but a more dramatic look was required by me.  I have little energy but after a mad 4 hour round trip, I found a sink, not of the correct dimensions, but something I thought would work and it cost too much!  Hey ho!!!!! I'm looking forward to cleaning my teeth as I look into it and it is made of glass!!!!!
The bath is in situ, insulated with sheets of fibre-glass wadding with the bath panel being built.  Tricky to get measurements exact so that the tiling fits neatly on. But my friend is doing well despite whatever he thinks.
So far, so good.
I hope to report a more finished room ... SOON!!!!!!!
We are very tired.
Four short days is all we can do. If I ache, then so must he.
I think mine must be the fibromyalgia again!!!! 

Brocante

The rain held off, the sun shone and still we needed warm jumpers for May is not yet out.
For my twelve hour stint on site I was rewarded a reasonable sum to compensate for the waste of funds I'd made in previous times.........it was good to see my surplus to requirements items,  and my inherited waste junk, and nice things that I don't need anymore, being re-distributed around the globe with all the other plethora.

For now I am past the stage of visiting car boot sales and antique shops, although fun to look at,  I'm at the selling stage. I am not however adverse to seeing a bargain and selling it at a profit!  This unto now unknown trait must come from my parents who were not only shop keepers but also market traders, doggy breeders and trainers (my mother was a judge and has been in the doggy world for over 60 years) and a long way before that my family travelled in the Royal Scotts Family Circus.  Fascinating, that as people we develop from one generation to another.  Just because our ancestors were something should not tar us.  Many are those who fall as well as those who rise above. 

In memoriam

In memory of dearest

  Avril   

a  sincere, trustworthy friend

who took her own life.

 No one knew her disguised mental anguish.

Now she lies where she arrived

on an island 

off the coast of Germany.

Unknown to her,
her disappearance caused long lasting bereavement to those who loved her.
She is greatly missed.

Normality resumes

The walls, floor and hearth, rigid chimney pipes, and woodburner have all been cleaned of nasty streaks of goudrons. The woodburner has been re-installed but cannot be tested until we have colder weather and here we are in a March heatwave!  I took advantage and re-oiled the oak flooring.  It is recommended to be done once the floor is laid (unknown before now!) and then every year, depending on traffic. It looks beautiful as well as being 'un oeuvre d'art' and so my friend is happy.  I will be happier when I know there are no more problems!!!!!!
As the content of the rooms was emptied into the courtyard filled with sunshine, I decided to polish furniture and freshen upholstery using a cleaning product called 2001!  It's magically gentle on the fabric. Everything is back in place and ready for visitors again!  I am shattered.

LANGUAGE:

goudrons = creosote/wood tar/bituminous liquid

une oeuvre d'art = work a piece of art

main d'oeuvre = manpower /labour
hors d'oeuvre = a starter
être à l'œuvre = to be at work
se mettre à l'œuvre = to do some work
mettre en œuvre = to implement a plan or a project
la mise en œuvre de quelquechose = the implementation of something
les œuvres complètes = the complete works of a writer, etc
des bonnes œuvres = good deeds

JS Bach

Until now I had never heard an uninterrupted performance of 24 Preludes and Fugues Book 2 by JS Bach.  I listened to the performer whilst following my Urtext keyboard score.  Again this was something I had never done before.   It was a good exercise and prevented me from falling asleep as it kept my mind alert. Music can be soporific.
For 20 euros, including a bowl of soup and a glass of wine served during the 30 minute interval, it was stunningly good value.  The level of pianistic concentration required was enormous and it was evident that the pianist/harpsichordist was tired when he made a few mistakes towards the end.  Yet, he managed an encore.  He had played for 3 hours!  However, I forgave him because I know how fiendishly difficult these pieces are, even though they sound so simple, delicate and beautiful.   The pianist had been to this venue two years ago and although he performed a lot last year he said that this year would be easier.  He also taught at a Conservatoire.  Oh, how I need to practise!

Mathematics

Vocabulary for Volume
One stère is equal to one cubic metre.
The derivation is from  Greek στερεός stereos which means 'solid'.
Evidently, in 1793 France began to use this terminology as a metric equivalent to the cord which is used in Canada and USA.  A cord is equivalent to 3.62 m³. I can't understand that,  so ... we'll keep with the stère (pronounced stair) which is used for measuring large quantities of firewood or other cut wood, whilst the cubic metre is used for uncut wood.


Although my woodburner is still in use, mainly for mornings and evenings, or if the weather becomes more humid, I thought I would record the quantity of logs that I have burned since the Autumn when I began with 10 stères.  Now I have about 2½ stères in store so I have burned 7½ stères.
One stère cost me about 43 euros.  
43 x 7 = 301 + 22. 
Therefore, winter fuel has cost me about 323 euros. But wait!
Divide by 6 months = 53.8 euros per month, which is about 13.50 euros per week or 1.80 euros per day.
For budgetary purposes, it makes an average for the year of 26.90 euros per month or 6.72 per week or about 1 euro per day!
Add the cost of woodburner glass cleaner products, firelighters, matches, as well as the log splitter (a 200 euros investment that does a job I would not be able to do otherwise!)  Kindling wood has been free.  I inherited a lot of old wood but most of it needs to be sawn so I will have to pay someone to do that.  I also add the cost of a monthly newspaper I subscribe to as it is used for the fire once read!
Of course, it was a relatively mild winter apart from the 3 weeks of THEBIGFREEZE so the calculations cannot be applied to any other year.  As reported earlier it was not warm outside and not warm in my house!  I do NOT have central heating!  Me THINKS...I need to budget in the cost of the electricity bill  as there were many occasions especially in THEBIGFREEZE when I just had to get some extra warmth from a free-standing radiator,  even though I was wearing a coat, hat and scarves for most of the day and night!!!!!!

These figures indicate that I could order 10 stères for next winter but it would be better if I were to order 15 stères,  as I hope to run two woodburners in my L-shaped house next winter, and IF I am brave enough to give WinterinFrance another go I could burn more and be warmer at not much greater a cost. I was cautious and careful this year.  However, it may well be the case that my new source of oak logs will be more expensive and oh if the pensionable income goes down  a re-think may have to be made.  The beauty is that logs not burnt in any winter can be stored until the following winter.
At least, for me it has has been an interesting mathematical exercise!  

20 degrees

It's midnight in France the first day of "The Spring forward clock trick" when we lost an hour. Sunshine and blue blue skies all day with a small breeze but chilly for me by 6pm ish so I lit the fire about 8pm and now it is 20 degrees celsius in my 40m salle de sejour WITH the kitchen door open. This seems like luxury compared to the winter temperatures when 14 degrees celsius was the max!

Water of Life - drought and death - In Memoriam

My water pump was returned so that I could extract rainwater from my cistern to flood the young hedging plants that have died or almost died as a result of frost/ice/snow burning the leaves.  There has been a drought after the snow melt.  My mimosa is a sorry sight to behold, now that I have removed the plant frost protection wrapping  Most of the leaves have fallen and near the base are just a few showing signs of green.  It was expensive and should have been in flower (it later died completely).

The lawns have been mowed with the ailing mower.... and I have had to push it all the way as the traction has gone and when it was collected this morning I was told that it cannot be repaired!!!!! OUCH, it is as I feared.   So now I have to purchase a new one. I definitely cannot push it for the large amount of grass that needs to be cut.  Last year it required cutting every 3 weeks.

It's been a  beautiful warm and sunny day - a joy to feel alive.  Sweaty and dirty having not had a shower / bath for 8 days I risked an outdoor shower using the hosepipe.  Last year, it was a wonderful outdoor experience... and really no one can see!!!!!!   Last summer the water was warm/hot for about 3 minutes. Today it was hardly warm but not yet cold. The jet, fierce and invigorating, made me laugh to get the shower finished, knowing that a friend was painting a wall and would not espy me!  My brain feels so much better now!

Yesterday brought very sad news. 

I learned that Lesley had died on March 6th from terminal lung cancer.   She had battled valiantly and so too had her courageous adult children for about a year.   I cried and cried.
I also learned that another friend from my village had a heart bypass on the same day and that her former husband died the day after.  It was a tearful yesterday.

A chance encounter

I was on my way to town when I noticed a vehicle not well parked on the country lane.  Soon afterwards, I drove past a couple walking towards the town on the wrong side of the road. I tutted and tutted again when in my mirror I saw they were carrying a baby.  Putting two and two together I reversed my car to see if they required a lift. Their car had oil problems. They said we could speak English but eventually we reverted to French. I dropped them in the centre of the town as requested and proceeded to my medical appointment.  Parking the car I noticed two bags the same colour on the back seat: oh dear! I returned but could not find the family so hoped that they would come to where they knew I had an appointment. And they did! There they were when I'd finished my appointment. Such relief! I would have hated to look in the bag for evidence of who they were and where they lived.  Their house keys were in the bag! Charmingly, they invited me to eat "pie".  I accepted graciously and interpreted this as "tea and cake" which it was!  They took me to their home; well, I drove them home, for it was quite a walk uphill, but not far. They served Romanian pumpkin pie and herbal tea.  He, a medical practitioner and she with a 7 month baby boy told me how in last year's move and pregnancy she could not take her final exam which she hopes to take this year.  Such a wonderfully happy family, attractive in appearance and manner.  The bubbly, young lady was amused by her explanation of the circumstances that had brought about this chance encounter. We shared laughter when the child heard the name of a cat and looked for it and liked to have his feet tickled! We shared stories about lost items and the honesty of people in this region. They've lived in a variety of places in France and like me they are immigrants to France.  I learned that "cité" has not always the same definition as "city", a large town, but that it really DOES also mean an agglomeration or housing estate.  Up until now I'd always thought it was a disparaging, descriptive joke about suburban social housing estates popping up around the edges of towns and villages.  After an hour it was time to leave and I decided to throw caution to the wind and share my address.

They showed me a minute, amber bracelet for the baby to wear to help protect against teething troubles! I showed off my amber ear-rings and said that my teeth were good!  I'm not sure that I believe stones can heal but a long time ago a friend of mind really believed this and had many huge valuable crystals and stones about the house!  Sadly, her obsessions brought her tragedy. Every April 1st and sometimes in between she is remembered.

More musical nostalgia + a sign of Spring!

Disregard the intro:

 1978 - The year my beautiful daughter was born!

The wonderful COWSLIP was seen at a crossroads.  Such excitement!!!!!!!!

Feelings of Contentment

as I listen to cello music

 

Oh how I would have loved my son to have continued to play the cello beyond Grade 5 and myself to have even started.  The violincello is such an exquisite instrument when played sensitively. I fell in love with this instrument as did I fall in love with Jacqueline du Pré playing Elgar's Cello Concerto.

 It makes me cry, and laugh, at the same time with such yearning for I know not what.

Diversionary Thinking

I struggled to move. Thinking was all I could do!

Where is inspiration?

Where is energy?

Where is diversion but not avoidance? 

Where is action but not reaction?

Where is forwards and onwards?

Where is creativity?

Where is motivation?

When the mind whispers insistently, subtly, softly stay in bed and not move

When the back screams sharp acute pain to keep still

When mental argument ensues because

the body has to be warm

the body has to put logs on a fire

the body has to put hot water in a rubber bottle

the body has automatic functions relating to food and drink

It cannot just lie prone when it is tired or lazy or in pain.

The mind and the body have a hidden agenda; they meet.

The mind and body argue but my ear cannot hear their silent dispute
The mind takes control and makes the body pause to rest

The mind takes control and makes the body move to act
The body takes the mind into control and keeps it working

For life never stops, until it stops, and does not breathe.

The mind and the body are the inspiration for the automatic next step 

of whatever it is that needs to be done for as long as life survives

They do what needs to be done.

They take hold and control decisions if one waits sufficiently long.

They move limbs forwards and onward.s

They are energy making energy.

They create order out of chaos.

They motivate and react to make action.

They address what is avoided

The diversions arrive.

There has to be mobility of mind and body.

All this happens if one lies still, quietly alone for sufficiently long without interruption.

The mind decides when it is time to sleep or to wake, to read or to ponder, to drink or to eat, to listen to music, to create, to shower or to bathe, to go out, stay indoors, to contact another or keep alone, to laugh or to cry, to sing or  reflect, to pull up the weeds, to plant a bulb, to dig the earth, to contact the soil for which we owe a life.

The mind controls the body in everything we do, think or say.

It is automatic.

It is such beauty.

It happens without any effort on our part.
See. 
Wait.

Down to the floor again and again,
whether I am in the shower or wherever I am
with unwanted thoughts, sometimes no thought at all.

Then without anyone's help I notice I pick myself up, bounce back, get moving.

The screaming back and the screaming mind quieten and eventually remain silent for a while.

They have not won.

The thoughtful negative mind eventually finds strength to become positive.
A smile creeps in.
Always it is so.
HOPE on the horizon begins to shine like the sun.
The mind allows contentment to return

The mind allows body movement to lift up from the horizontal

to stand vertical to face the world
to win against adversity
until winning cannot lose and loss succumbs to another world.

How fascinating to see and to wait.

How wonderful to know that pain is inconstant and moves away.
How grateful to know that NOW is not the time to not move and NOW is not the time to not think.
Life thankfully continues. 

Cranes - a sound of springtime to behold

I had just returned to VdV with my friend's washing ... he still has no water in the kitchen on account of the freeze and has to do some plumbing... and honk honk, honk honk, ... 20 cranes in the sky... some stragglers and then one all alone neck outstretched "Wait for me " he calls.  The flock returned for him and then veered sharply to collect others and then there were 27........... WOW and WOW and WOW. Spring has arrived!!!!!!!!! Oh JOY!

I should not be still awake as it is now morning of the next day!

The woodburner is dismantled

Hohoho... the chimney does not bring Santa nor chaleur (warmth)
In fact, I was not prepared for reparation work today. I understood that the proprietor was coming to view the problem and discuss the proposed "modification" BUT... I had to say "STOP, STOP, STOP" (that is FRENCH for arrête! ) and tell the young man to slow down!!!!! He had already trodden on the hearth into the gunge and was about to spread this on my oak floor!!!!!!! Oh MY!
So I went in haste for sheets of cardboard, and my friend went in haste for sheets of chipboard and I returned to find that they were uninstalling the woodburner. 
First, I rushed to clean the gungy, glass hearth with warm water and a cloth.  We had to tell them repeatedly to slide cardboard under the legs of the woodburner as they edged it forwards off the 8mm thick glass onto a sheet of chipboard.  I emphasised how much it cost, as they later moved it out of position; it is very heavy.  By then they had already removed the rigid steel tubes after I had pointed to the dribbles on the exterior and how this gunge went into the next tube.
So it seems that one of the problems since May has been that:
They have flouted the clear instructions in the woodburner manufacturer's installation instruction manual. I have a copy. The installers had not installed the correct "raccord" which transforms the female into a male which is then inserted into the female part of the next tube.    
All male ends should point down into the female ends.  The sexual comparisons have all been aired and shared!!!!!!
I had to stop them rushing about and explain what I knew about the evaporation and condensation of gases and liquids from burning any fuel carburant and in this case burning 3 yr old seasoned oak logs.  I spoke about the height of the chimney and that the flue liner is not protected against keeping the flue hot as it gets further from the source of the heat and that perhaps it is cooling too quickly because there is no vermiculite surrounding it.  He said it wasn't essential but if it's what I want, it could be arranged.  He said that of course it is my responsibility to pay for that whether he did it in the first place or if I have it done now.  I have always known and accepted that.  He agreed that he was at fault and many times apologised.  I too am sorry .. for him, but more for me and my friend for all the stress that this palava has caused and most importantly for the time and energy that the damage has absorbed and prevented us from getting on with bathroom and other work.  As the young man said they installed many woodburners and told us this was the only problem. Frankly, I do not believe that mine has been the only problem.  That would be too unique!  I've counted 7 incidents / problems of their making, during the course of having employed this company.

It looks as if the water and creosote stain will be removed from the oak relatively easily but it has highlighted the need to oil the wood every year.   None of the installation information discussed after-care. Once the solid oak flooring was laid it should have been further oiled with the correct product and polished!  If you need a solid oak floor speak to me!  You will need more than the engineered oak lengths.  The beauty of the finished oak floor relies on preparation of the surfaces beneath it and the way in which the oak planks are fitted together, be they nailed or screwed.
I am trying to discover which oil was initially used and have discovered a company that sells a maintenance kit of soaps and oils specially for oak flooring.
Eventually, after using Acetone, it was the woodburner glass cleaner which moved the sticky tar from the skirting board which will then need to be sanded in situ and repainted.
It also moved the gunge off the plasterboard wall. The bubbled plasterboard has been scraped off still leaving brown stained plaster.  So we shall seal it with B-I-N, refill, sand, seal with B-I-N, paint and sand and paint and sand and hopefully the colour of the paint in the tin will match that paint on the wall.
I've vacuumed all the ash from the woodburner, cleaned the glass window and tried to remove most of the gunged-on resin from the enamelled edges within the woodburner, cleaned the rigid tubes, and cleaned the glass hearth. Everything is now ready for the extra raccord ... but I am waiting for more advice.

The installers will be allowed back to finish the repairs:
NOTE: all male ends should be pointing downwards and all female parts should be pointing upwards .... the vessels need to receive any discharge that falls!

My friend suggested we asked for further compensation that what was offered but in France this is not done! The fact of the matter is that there has been incompetence or negligence.  Yes, he was not as expensive as some companies I was most interested in the style of woodburners that he was promoting.  He was a brand new 'entreprise' and wanted to establish business. This year 50% of my rooms have not been used because of the damage.

Never mind.. I am sure it will all work out nicely in the end... and life is just for challenges!