Those Boots

had to be cleaned... I know they could do with more wax on a weekly basis, so will try to do that!
I need to be at a boot camp as cleaning shoes is not a favourite occupation. I think though that shiny or unshiny shoes tell one a lot about the wearer! 
Unfortunately, the right boot had the leather partially cut through by wire on a walk!  They are quite old.. about 18 years...and were broken in on a route march through a Sri Lankan forest, after we had crossed a replica of the Bridge on the River Kwai used in the film of said name. 
NOTE: the real bridge is in Burma http://www.bridgeriverkwai.com/
These boots had to keep marching because if they stopped, the leeches jumped onto the skin.  Mine was fully covered.  My feet wore double lined socks. Those who did not heed instructions, who still wore shorts, screamed as leeches were lanced from their skin with a swift swipe of a knife. Boots with memories of fear and laughter, success and achievement.
Isn't the www interesting because I didn't know this was happening at Kitulgala. Also the river below that bridge was where the group did white water raft riding... just the once.  I didn't wear my boots, but did wet my knickers. We also had to cross the river in a canoe of a tree... balancing whilst we stood in the dug out part!
Would I do that again?  White water riding?
Yes, I think I would, even though in our raft, the leader fell out and it was down to the front two of the six to fish him out of the water whilst I bounced in the bottom of the raft, sobbing in fear, then laughing as I realised it didn't matter what I had done...and when I heard that the leader had fallen out on that particular bounce, I scrambled myself together enough to get back on the edge to balance the raft, and had a whale of a time... even to the end where we floated down the river in our life jackets. Everyone hugged me as I couldn't stop crying and laughing at the same time! For me, it was personal success, achievement and happiness. I had conquered that fear for that moment....ah, nice memories! 
The moral of the tale is that I got back onto the edge of that raft.... and I endured fear and conquered... I should remember that !!!! 

Partytime!

Life is strange and full of coincidences.
It was a spookydooky occasion when disguise was appropriate.
This last week I delved into unopened boxes packed extremely efficiently ten years ago and other boxes packed four years ago, some not quite so well. In fact some stuff just packed into the box muddled! Within the last four years some boxes have been opened and strewn in a muddle in my attic when I had searched for something but lazily or in a hurry didn't re-pack the boxes correctly. Likewise the books boxes... I keep discovering more books which need to be assigned to their place!
The coincidence is that I found silver jewelry that could be worn to the party which hadn't been seen for aeons. I found masks used at Hallowe'en events once in France with the kiddies group I used to volunteer with and previous to that at fantastic Hallowe'en parties in England at my neighbour's house! Out came the red scarves, masks, feathers but no hula-hula skirt.  I could have worn that red sequined Monsoon top that I re-discovered exclaiming "WOW"! It had been forgotten, only ever worn the once when I discovered a thread of sequins required replacement. I think I wore it to a Hallowe'en masked ball some 17 years ago, or maybe I bought it because it was fabulous at the time and still is!... ...  ... and another wow, I found art prints from that evening, needing as ever, to be framed! So many memories have been opened in the last week that have made me laugh and tell a story to my Workawayers from California who commented that if only they have such memories and identity when they are my age then they will have known that they have lived!
Sex Pistols played 'Anarchy in The UK' and The Clash played 'London Calling' whilst almost 40 yr olds and some over 50s and moi 65 danced in smoke machine mist...whilst kids galore laughed and danced in the cloud.  It was wonderfully warm for an al fresco bonfire party and fireworks. Evidently Surrey was the warmest place on record in England for October 31st - 22.5 Celsius at about 4pm time!

Cinderella disguised as The Red Witch made it home before the pumpkin arrived and she didn't lose a slipper, malheureusement! English jacket potatoes finished in the bonfire embers plus grated cheddar and baked beans was soooooo good! There were English sausages plus mulled wine... called vin chaud en France! Toffee apples, ghostly cakes, skeletons, bats, cats, and ugly, scary faces made it all fantastic. Great Party. Great friends!

New start - thoughts stream

Yet again, old ends, new starts, various thoughts stream into the mind .... old ends, new starts imposed on me, or that I have been trying to impose;  all on the move again.
I am not gripping on the edge of the precipice as my son interprets. As I said, THAT, is a perception based on his past truthful experiences of me.  Indeed, even though a range of emotions are flowing inside me, they emerge transiently.  I observe them. I know what they are about.  I am not as low as the bottom of the ocean nor as high as the satellites in the sky.  I feel fairly level for me, a Cancerian! It is a surprise given the losses currently experienced ... contrary to the negative perhaps hopefully there will be positive gains! Letting go and being let go are not concepts I approve of!
And so, if it is a new kind of freedom that I am taking, or that is being given to me, when people might be letting me go, or I am letting them go, then I am in wonderment of what is next in this life which is being conducted in France. I don't think I have ever been on this level of awareness.
I know that on the one hand I don't like change and yet on the other I strive for it.
I reckon I deserve even better experiences and certainly better than the worst.

When I was 5, I danced on my daddy's shoes and laughed whilst snow was on the ground outside!
When I was a child I never thought... except that things were mysterious and mysteries! I bought the magazine "Look and Learn" when my sister had "Bunty".  Nothing much was ever explained by my parents except doggy knowledge! I played the piano for hours when I was a child, a teenager, a young adult to express emotion into the music and as an escape from a world that mattered not!
I can visualise bedrooms and houses I lived in.
When I was 15 I would gaze out of the open window onto a main road in a London suburb for long hours watching traffic and people and wondering when I could be free to be out in the big, wide world! I vowed to work hard at my qualifications. I did!
When I was 25 I had been content with my only husband, until I became a mother.  I felt continually subjugated by him, my confidence weakened, my vocabulary often 'corrected'.  I listened to his views on philosophy, psychology and life which he knew not a lot about, whilst being unable to express my thoughts!  Scrambled in my head, I was almost mute. When he didn't want to dance and have fun, I did! It ended when the younger one was not yet two. I was sad for them.
When I was 35 and still vulnerable I became hooked into someone's addiction...besotted and needy. I was hounded.  It lasted twelve years.  It restricted personal progress, opportunity and damaged me and my family.  I allowed it to continue!  It was partly my fault!  It takes two to tango!  My own insecurity and desire to further myself were in an irrational and 'not-able-to-think' conflict, but I now see that it was a waste of myself.  I abandoned elements of my own life and family life for my career!
When I was 48 I thought 'the one' was the love of my life... he rescued me. I allowed it!  Unknowingly to even him perhaps, he needed me to be dependent so he could applaud what he has done for me, right up until even yesterday... look, he says, how much he has helped me in the last 4 years... He hasn't mentioned how much he hurt me and my family in the last ten! His comment is that I've forgotten how he supported me,  but in fact I have never forgotten and indeed do praise him but also I am grateful for knowing now who I am.  He gave me my freedom. By telling me to leave the man I loved and love, despite the dark side of his moon,  he rescued me / freed me from the prison in which I had become interred in. Very complicated!
Now that I am 65 he, who was my best friend is throwing a few wobblers from Asia...
I am sure I have not invited his criticism/blame with the exact vocabulary being quoted at me!
I'm wondering what I have done or said to have invited accusatory comments.
I don't need that.
I could ignore it.
I could wash it away like the huge cloudburst we have experienced as I write on a Sunday afternoon. All his wanted and unwanted stuff is in my property! He is the type of man who might never come back for it!
When I was 60 jettisoned into the air, thrown into the largest responsibility of my life, I'd become a property owner again, this time in France, and, more importantly there was mainly me looking after me!!! Looking after 120 kids and 14 or so staff for 23 years and looking after my own two children for 18 years single-handedly was nothing in comparison to the last four years.

YES, I AM writing it down, not to shame anyone!
BUT
to make it clear that I did also support and give much of my life to him and therefore it was a balance of give and take! We were both needy in very different ways.
My blog.
I can write what I like!

It's a double whammy day!
With huge regret and sadness, yet willing to let him go,  I have been encouraging a dear friend to do what is best which doesn't include me. A few days ago, I inadvertently filtered and deleted all our correspondence in an attempt to filter unwanted emails from companies selling unmentionable aids!  Pretty devastating, but I am surprisingly not in tears... now, I can't look back to read wise, sensible words, our shared emotional and intelligent needs, amorous and hedonistic expressions and pleasures, his and my mad moments.  Up to a few days ago he was hoping to visit me in France.  Every time I say No he finds it a challenge.  Every time I say Yes, he backs off from Reality.  Up to a few days ago he was interested, even whilst on holiday with a.n.other and now like a yo-yo he has changed his mind yet again, and it has been like that for a long while now, with and without his friends. A long distance relationship who has been a great friend.. and it comes to nought!
I haven't been able to and can't do long distance anymore.  Same with Asia... I can be supportive but unless someone wants to live and share my life and will allow me to live and share their life or show some interest then why should I bother!
Am I being too harsh? 
Hence, if all those windows on the past can ever finally close and the doors not be ajar, which new doors or windows will open to let in new light and fresh air?
If I had been asked ten years ago where would I be in 2014 I would never have believed that I would be living in this beautiful village,  with all that has happened to me in the last four years. A rollercoaster of the unimaginable. I have loved it and loathed it.  Who would have ever believed that I would feel as strong as I do, and know that I am a WOMAN who deserves so much more in life. I am me. I am.
Now, Hello Big Feet! She is here to keep me grounded and make me attend to responsibilities. "What next?" she miaous!
I am happy! It is a revelation! I am not going to allow anything else to drag me down ever again.. maybe momentarily perhaps... but I am trying to plan, and stuff has to go!  I will stay for at least five years if I can and I believe I can find all the resources I need to develop my house... (the land is a seasonal physical problem). I will not give in!  I believe I will find the person who wants and needs me, who will respect and love me! 

Silly old bag!

Who me?
This is 32 or 42 years old...resurfaced when relinquished...OMG.. memory lane!
I wanted to release it again, as it is worse for wear and not been used in over four years...
then history seemed to require a photo...

It was bought in 1982 or maybe even in 1972 or between those ten years for carrying teaching resources and lesson plans for in those far off heady days, when I travelled to work on the bus and later in the car.
It was before the days of sporting a heavy computer bag with a heavier Sony laptop... and before the days when any class computer was allowed to travel between home and school! Data Protection wasn't an issue on any of the binary formats as far as I recall!
What  a laugh LIFE is when one reflects ... and how so very glad I am not to be a teacher anymore despite the totally committed one that I was !

Times they are a changing

just like the weather...
after the shorts the rain,
after the rain the sun,
this is the way of life
where we had begun
with joy in our hearts
when a baby was born.
As we approach the latter years we strive to reject grey clouds of past errors and judgements,
sadnesses and sorrows, to let in sunshine with memories of good times, hoping that we can grow on whichever path we go.

Glad that I live am I; That the sky is blue;
Glad for the country lanes, And the fall of dew.

After the sun, the rain, After the rain the sun;
This is the way of life, Till the work be done.

All that we need to do, Be we low or high,
Is to see that we grow, Nearer to God on high.

A door closes, a window opens, a scene ends, a scene begins ... Let the sun shine in!   

Let us breathe in the goodness and light that exists in each one of us!   Amen

End of an Era

Today, he sold his house, where once I resided.
I accompanied him to the Notaire as the chief traducteur ....and this time, I was the little bird that said  'bravo'.....
Eleven years ago he asked  me to accompany him to be French resident and give courage! I did that and more and in so doing it drained me of my own courage!!!!!!!!
Now, with self-confidence but considerable emotional pain of which I am not ashamed for it is the essence of who I am, I am able to foster and help further his courage yet again, so that he can master fears of flying and travelling alone to Asia, despite having travelled to Israel and afar when he was in his late teens / early twenties!
Although I have a strong urge to travel, I appreciate that we cannot re-kindle what once we would have liked to do, when we said we would explore the fields of France and Europe.
SO ... I am filled with a deep sadness.

BUT WHEN I ASK MYSELF WHETHER I WANT IT RE-KINDLED I AM AMBIVALENT because of the very lovely generous, warm, caring and once-upon-a-time-fun side of him and then the absence of things I know I need now, which is more humour, laughter, fun whilst doing the hard work as well as assistance on the house and in the garden and in my life ...  I need to be flexible, sometimes planned but sometimes spontaneous and flexible on changing minds.  I need someone to share interests and although we have shared a love of food, walking, cycling, places and people and even music, art and architecture, something has been missing and I know not what. Once upon a time I trusted him implicitly with everything and poured my heart and soul into him... maybe that was the mistake... he could then have a lever on all my failings!  I thought he was my soul mate and yes he was... but .... there we go!

I know that I need security.  Therefore, I could never travel without a base to return to. 
Perhaps now that he has booked his tickets he will start to generate positive thoughts and plans.   We have discussed his opportunities ... he must profit from the opportunity before him .... such a luxury!  And rather than wait in the house going nowhere, now he can go somewhere, wherever his little bird takes him!
I already weep and know not why!!!!!!!!!! LOSS!
I read that SADNESS is a signal that one should be open and begin to trust...
But one should look forward. 
I am trying...
I almost envy him what he has created ... the freedom to go.... not to be shackled by property and French stone property.
I admire what he is about to do and admire the fact that he may get to pick mangoes!
I hope he sends a postcard!

Book Review: Charlotte Gray

The novel Charlotte Gray was written in 1999 by Sebastian Faulks with a film directed by Gillian Armstrong starring Cate Blanchet released in 2001.

I loved this book.   It was profound and emotionally educational unravelling some of the tangled thoughts about my own parental relationship.

page 474:
I was upset when she commented about how her father was emotionally and mentally damaged by his experiences in WWI.
I began to realise that my own parents may have been proud of me but they never ever praised me in all of my life. My mother once did say I was clever so maybe that counts!

I was in tears towards the end of the book: 

"She strained at the memory of her childhood, at the sense of some rapture lost. Yet it all remained like some frozen sea: great blocks of ice, submerged but static, and beyond the melting capacity of her conscious will."......... "her mother would turn form intimacy"

page 479 and after:
the author writes about a man's need and fears of being a father, a person, a man as a boy and how men can be a prisoner of sensual desire.... so I started to wonder about how people set themselves free from the chains that they have self-imposed.  When I was in my 30s or 40s I doodled many chains and wrote about myself being a prisoner but then I did not know what of!  I still have that INNER CHILD THERAPY JOURNAL.
page 482:
I had a kind of revelation.  I began to sob suddenly and uncontrollably as I realized that possibly I had never ever really thought about MY LIFE from my parents' viewpoint ...  It is what I have been expecting my grown up children to do! I want them to appreciate and understand that I think about their lives from my viewpoint and I think that perhaps one of them hasn't yet understood that and won't until he becomes a parent. 
page 483:
I interpret the author's writings:
The noise of shouting and violence... the sight and sound of torment, grief and horror cause the destruction of the softness of love.

``````````````````

In this novel, Charlotte Gray, a young Scot,  became involved with the French resistance at Vichy, in 1942, during the Second World War.  She'd traveled to London to work as a medical receptionist for a Harley Street doctor but on the train she shared a compartment with two men, one who works for the secret service and he invites her to contact him when the job gets boring. Despite the war, social life was in full swing and she soon meets an accomplished airman, Peter Gregory. The temporary nature of life at wartime brings romance where she loses her virginity and her heart. Peter is sent on a mission over France and becomes missing in action.  She joins a Special Operations Executive (SOE) training course where about one third of the women sent to France never returned. The secret service exploit her talent to speak French fluently and she is happy to return to France where she spent much of her childhood.  She passes interrogation to be a spy,  has her hair and dentistry adapted to look more like a French woman and is parachuted into France to complete a specified mission.  She goes AWOL and sets out to find Gregory.
Wikipedia says:
"The character of Charlotte Gray was based on a New Zealand woman called Nancy Wake who worked with the French Resistance near a village called Verneix in the Auvergne region. Instead of escaping she became a courier for the resistance but had to eventually flee to Spain and then England where she was trained by the SOE. She was parachuted back into France on 29 April 1944 and went on to lead a 7,000 strong resistance group in the Auvergne region. Her husband, Henri Fioca, was tortured and killed by the Gestapo for failing to reveal her whereabouts."

Groovy Music

"Wild Thing" is what I wished to be as an adolescent in 1965 when I viewed the world from a window, restricted by The Parents from going anywhere that I dreamed of.....

I could see the world looked so exciting!

A few years later I was a "Free Bird" and off to the world of Study!

Twelve years ago

... today, I became the owner of half a former English inn ... it was 400 years old, behind which, were old Tannery buildings, some had been demolished but others were renovated as storage, garage or workshop. I employed my best friend to renovate which he did exquisitely!  That house was my pride and joy apart from the fact traffic vibrated the living accommodation on the second floor in the loft space!  The pavement in front of the house was not really wide enough for a wheelchair or pushchair. One could almost reach out and touch the buses! I have some regret leaving that beautiful home which was haunted and I only discovered that in the last week.  The stained glass window on the front door was my design, representing the town and common, painted beautifully by my friend's daughter. One of our cats, Little Feat, used to greet Neal Powell, an author, almost every time he walked through the back yard. He adored her when she rolled over his brown polished leather shoes.

I must find photos of interior and exterior. It is one of my jobs to trawl through a lifetime of photos, paper, framed and unframed, and those on CD and on iphoto........ help!

My house was by the river, not far from Elizabeth Jane Howard's island. I always thought she was a most beautiful woman but when I lived near her I was too busy to read her novels. I enjoyed the recent BBC radio 4 serialisation of The Cazalets, always thinking that I could hear “her” speaking, then to my surprise I discovered that much was based on her own experiences.  I could sympathise and empathise with her somewhat Bohemian lifestyle, failed marriages, affairs of the heart, passion, mooning over men, mistreatment yet she'd had a good life …such ambivalence is there in love and passion. I know bohemian but not all her traumas, thank goodness!

I had the enormous privilege of meeting her in her kitchen. I remember being served tea and cake,  being in awe of her very simple lifestyle which reminded me of my grandmother, being allowed to wander onto her very own island. What joy to be on that piece of land that I had coveted and marveled at just a few years before, when, not knowing the future, I had stood on The Common and decided that I wished to live "over there". Unwittingly, unknowingly, I completed my dream in 2002.  It was several years later that the memory of the incident returned. 

What a wonderful thing for her to have lived where she lived and to have written from her heart.

What a wonderful thing for me that I met her... just the once and I can write from my heart.  She was a great authoress.  In Memoriam.

Removal day two years ago today

My house did not have a bath, shower or indoor toilet but it did have some heating.  I could go it alone to start a new phase of my life.  I remember sitting on the window sill after the removal chaps had left with the thought "I must do some knitting!"  I still haven't yet made those needles work although on a few occasions I started crochet only to not continue!

Two weeks after moving two years ago,  he, whom I'd considered my best and eternal friend, gave me a digital copy of a photo he took with my camera when we were courting in the Auvergne mountains.  I must find the original in my collection somewhere.

I was determined to climb that mountain whilst recuperating from Fibromyalgia (CFS). It must be 15 years ago ish!!! The found stick which had broken several times helped get a grip on the steep descent. There were places where I had to crawl down backwards!!!! I'm thinking that those last two sentences are descriptive of the last 2 to 7 years but this last month after the accident I am aware of describing life as if I am hauling myself up the mountain again.  Well, I'm a lot more grey but essentially not much different, in body and in mind!  I still have determination to survive the struggle but it's rare I get such muddy knees!

I remember OUR achievement and wonderment at the carpets of wildflowers in the basin of the volcanic bowl.   That mountain had ski chair lifts abandoned in August!

Very fond, positive memories.

Those boots were the comfiest ever.... and I know that top and those shorts are in my summer DIY clothing box. Very frugal!

Mouse Trap Game

I am reminded that recently I passed on my daughter's treasured game of MOUSETRAP to my granddaughter but she was expecting the modern  battery operated version! So we talked about HISTORY starting with "When mummy was a little girl and when Grand ma was a little girl there weren't many toys with batteries and at that time MOUSETRAP was made like this! ..."
She was unimpressed!  We never played the game as intended... for the game was slow to build if you threw a dice and took a piece each time... we just used to build the construction, then race the mice!
We were only one vital piece missing, the spring, but my daughter found one in a pen!

Martin Lukins Accordionist

Martin Lukins plays The wedding of the Painted Doll.

 For almost 5 years this was my accordion teacher. I knew he was famous but did not know he had produced records.  I had regular lessons and used to try and practise scales  as well as pieces for often up to 4 hours a day if I could.  It was my escape route from the family and television. I sat in the front living room at the age of 10 hardly able to get my nose over the 100 bass instrument that I played today in the French village where I live.
I stopped having lessons when I was 12.  It was a shame because I was working on fast Italian pieces, musette style French tunes, classical arrangements such as William Tell and also playing in accordion band which was fun but I was not that keen. Later I joined a theatrical group and performed on stage. Later still I used to play at the outdoor fairs in a mock French costume with sparkles on my face.
I wish I could play as fast as him but I am content with what I do..it is my own style!!!!

Pomp and Pageantry

I love  P & P & Circumstance. Even though I disapprove of the public cost of Royalty,  I believe that in a modernist world they probably do help charities. However, there are so many people who could have benefited from the cost of those seats on the barge that the Queen would not sit on!
The public fund in UK has been slaughtered and yet who knows how much the 4 days of celebrations for the Queen have truly cost.  This could have helped pensioners, those with disabilities, children and what do we hear??? Oh yes cut the taxes on Granny flats!!!!! It's only those who are more rich who have Granny Annexes!   So the flagrant use of public funding does make me boil!

Since Diana's death magnified an emotional outpouring of the Nation, giving a public outlet for bereavement and loss, I confess, I became fascinated by some members of the Royal Family.  I believe that because we have a Land of Hope and Glory (thank you, Sir Edward Elgar) it is better to keep a Monarchy than to have a Presidency.   Rule Britannia  is what I say!  And all the music that has been generated for Royal events.  We've been lucky with the type of Monarchy that has been created and established over the last 60 years.  In my opinion, England / UK has been fortunate since 1952 and after WWII.  I am grateful that the Monarchy / Government / World  produced freedom and peace in Europe and that I have been lucky to have experienced the kindnesses of humanity.  I love my country. I like the fact that I am British and that the United Kingdom is the home for so many international peoples. Yet I love France and Europe too. I love the diversity of people, culture, places and systems of celebration.
 
However, I wonder as to where all the clothing goes once worn.  I wonder about the cost to the private person like me and what the minor royals do to justify their existence.  Perhaps the Jubilee has given people an opportunity to communicate with each other and be friends and develop community.  However, a previous neighbour who promoted such street parties and bon homie became very bitter, rude and spiteful after breaking through a Georgian stud wall into my property.  Therefore, I am left to wonder about the "street party bash" and the degree that it can help to transform neighbourliness.

Without a television, it was a pleasant surprise and pleasure that I could watch the flotilla live on my Apple Mac whilst living in France. Thank you BBC and those who dreamt up the idea and organised it! But again wouldn't the funding have been better utilised?

I really don't like the coinage of the term "New Elizabethans" and I nearly vomited when I heard CAM oron, woops spelling mistake M. Cameron sycophanting about her Majesty! If perhaps it was Neo-Elizabethans I could cope!!!!!

A cucumber sandwich made with my home-made poppyseed and mint bread was enjoyed with Saumur demi-sec bubbly! Very nice and as equal to a Cremant de Loire or Cremant d'Alsace which I prefer to champagne, unless it's an expensive one, of which I rarely have imbibed!

NOSTALGIA
Tomorrow I might make a "Victoria sandwich" for nostalgia, you understand!!!!!!! I rarely make one preferring to make other types of cake. It was my version and with pineapple!!

I remember being 3 and sitting at long tables at the Coronation party in what was eventually my High School,

I remember the Queen's Silver Jubilee when my son won first prize in the village fancy dress competition. We still have the Jubilee sovereign. A tea-towel, wrapping paper to make a hat, a windmill, a flag, his blue school jumper and trousers! It was one of the only fancy dress events my children have ever participated in!

ADDENDUM June 4th
It's not surprising that Philip is ill... We saw the Queen go downstairs... but he did not, me thinks. Conditions were perishing and even I would have required several toilet breaks, hot tea and a hot water bottle.  They did not wear suitable warm woolly blankets to keep out the rain and chill and at their age more consideration should have been given to that than Pomp and Pageantry. The lady would not sit down and so neither could anyone else.