New start - thoughts stream

Yet again, old ends, new starts, various thoughts stream into the mind .... old ends, new starts imposed on me, or that I have been trying to impose;  all on the move again.
I am not gripping on the edge of the precipice as my son interprets. As I said, THAT, is a perception based on his past truthful experiences of me.  Indeed, even though a range of emotions are flowing inside me, they emerge transiently.  I observe them. I know what they are about.  I am not as low as the bottom of the ocean nor as high as the satellites in the sky.  I feel fairly level for me, a Cancerian! It is a surprise given the losses currently experienced ... contrary to the negative perhaps hopefully there will be positive gains! Letting go and being let go are not concepts I approve of!
And so, if it is a new kind of freedom that I am taking, or that is being given to me, when people might be letting me go, or I am letting them go, then I am in wonderment of what is next in this life which is being conducted in France. I don't think I have ever been on this level of awareness.
I know that on the one hand I don't like change and yet on the other I strive for it.
I reckon I deserve even better experiences and certainly better than the worst.

When I was 5, I danced on my daddy's shoes and laughed whilst snow was on the ground outside!
When I was a child I never thought... except that things were mysterious and mysteries! I bought the magazine "Look and Learn" when my sister had "Bunty".  Nothing much was ever explained by my parents except doggy knowledge! I played the piano for hours when I was a child, a teenager, a young adult to express emotion into the music and as an escape from a world that mattered not!
I can visualise bedrooms and houses I lived in.
When I was 15 I would gaze out of the open window onto a main road in a London suburb for long hours watching traffic and people and wondering when I could be free to be out in the big, wide world! I vowed to work hard at my qualifications. I did!
When I was 25 I had been content with my only husband, until I became a mother.  I felt continually subjugated by him, my confidence weakened, my vocabulary often 'corrected'.  I listened to his views on philosophy, psychology and life which he knew not a lot about, whilst being unable to express my thoughts!  Scrambled in my head, I was almost mute. When he didn't want to dance and have fun, I did! It ended when the younger one was not yet two. I was sad for them.
When I was 35 and still vulnerable I became hooked into someone's addiction...besotted and needy. I was hounded.  It lasted twelve years.  It restricted personal progress, opportunity and damaged me and my family.  I allowed it to continue!  It was partly my fault!  It takes two to tango!  My own insecurity and desire to further myself were in an irrational and 'not-able-to-think' conflict, but I now see that it was a waste of myself.  I abandoned elements of my own life and family life for my career!
When I was 48 I thought 'the one' was the love of my life... he rescued me. I allowed it!  Unknowingly to even him perhaps, he needed me to be dependent so he could applaud what he has done for me, right up until even yesterday... look, he says, how much he has helped me in the last 4 years... He hasn't mentioned how much he hurt me and my family in the last ten! His comment is that I've forgotten how he supported me,  but in fact I have never forgotten and indeed do praise him but also I am grateful for knowing now who I am.  He gave me my freedom. By telling me to leave the man I loved and love, despite the dark side of his moon,  he rescued me / freed me from the prison in which I had become interred in. Very complicated!
Now that I am 65 he, who was my best friend is throwing a few wobblers from Asia...
I am sure I have not invited his criticism/blame with the exact vocabulary being quoted at me!
I'm wondering what I have done or said to have invited accusatory comments.
I don't need that.
I could ignore it.
I could wash it away like the huge cloudburst we have experienced as I write on a Sunday afternoon. All his wanted and unwanted stuff is in my property! He is the type of man who might never come back for it!
When I was 60 jettisoned into the air, thrown into the largest responsibility of my life, I'd become a property owner again, this time in France, and, more importantly there was mainly me looking after me!!! Looking after 120 kids and 14 or so staff for 23 years and looking after my own two children for 18 years single-handedly was nothing in comparison to the last four years.

YES, I AM writing it down, not to shame anyone!
BUT
to make it clear that I did also support and give much of my life to him and therefore it was a balance of give and take! We were both needy in very different ways.
My blog.
I can write what I like!

It's a double whammy day!
With huge regret and sadness, yet willing to let him go,  I have been encouraging a dear friend to do what is best which doesn't include me. A few days ago, I inadvertently filtered and deleted all our correspondence in an attempt to filter unwanted emails from companies selling unmentionable aids!  Pretty devastating, but I am surprisingly not in tears... now, I can't look back to read wise, sensible words, our shared emotional and intelligent needs, amorous and hedonistic expressions and pleasures, his and my mad moments.  Up to a few days ago he was hoping to visit me in France.  Every time I say No he finds it a challenge.  Every time I say Yes, he backs off from Reality.  Up to a few days ago he was interested, even whilst on holiday with a.n.other and now like a yo-yo he has changed his mind yet again, and it has been like that for a long while now, with and without his friends. A long distance relationship who has been a great friend.. and it comes to nought!
I haven't been able to and can't do long distance anymore.  Same with Asia... I can be supportive but unless someone wants to live and share my life and will allow me to live and share their life or show some interest then why should I bother!
Am I being too harsh? 
Hence, if all those windows on the past can ever finally close and the doors not be ajar, which new doors or windows will open to let in new light and fresh air?
If I had been asked ten years ago where would I be in 2014 I would never have believed that I would be living in this beautiful village,  with all that has happened to me in the last four years. A rollercoaster of the unimaginable. I have loved it and loathed it.  Who would have ever believed that I would feel as strong as I do, and know that I am a WOMAN who deserves so much more in life. I am me. I am.
Now, Hello Big Feet! She is here to keep me grounded and make me attend to responsibilities. "What next?" she miaous!
I am happy! It is a revelation! I am not going to allow anything else to drag me down ever again.. maybe momentarily perhaps... but I am trying to plan, and stuff has to go!  I will stay for at least five years if I can and I believe I can find all the resources I need to develop my house... (the land is a seasonal physical problem). I will not give in!  I believe I will find the person who wants and needs me, who will respect and love me!