My Cat

 

is such a naughty one!  This morning from a high vantage point on logs, she nonchalantly watches a wood-pigeon pecking crumbs in my courtyard, possibly from yesterday's last Workawayer alfresco luncheon which was mighty fine using the last of the never-ending cous-cous!

Me thinks ah.... pigeon pie! ***

A week ago, as reported earlier, she caught and killed a swallow!
Now, every creature has its place but ...

I'm training the cat to live outside at night in the atelier where she has cat-flap entrance! His Lordship has left and Madame insists!  I love our cat/his cat/my cat but she can be a nuisance and if I don't put cushions around the end of my settee where she and her sister used to scratch,  AND I catch her in the act, then I have to create a loud shouty 'NO' and I don't like doing that for mine own ears to hear!  It's the one place they scratched... and Big Feet has remembered all this time!

*** When I was nineteen I lived in board and lodgings in Winchester ... a rented room, with meals shared in the owner's kitchen.  She was French, bereaved, with a ten year old son. There were two other French student girls paying rent. One day, a pigeon appeared in the courtyard.  It was fed with grain ... this continued for several days! One day, the broom swathed through the air and French Madame waved her trophy in the air. I was horrified at the slaughter. Even more horrified that night or next day when Pigeon Pie was presented for the evening meal!  Being of a squeamish disposition in those delicate days, knowing nothing about people or life other than my narrow towny-eyed vision, I was keen to return to London at the end of the academic year!

Grey gives a breath of fresh air

My Workawayers were the most loveliest of people...I have been so lucky!
I had already met A in my daughter's home town when I visited UK in March/April. Such a small world! We had already agreed an exchange of labour for accommodation and food, so to meet beforehand was re-assuring.  I planned various smaller tasks but in actual fact PRIORITY A absorbed the week, however, when wet, cold weather on Wednesday prevented painting, PRIORITY B was achieved sufficiently to secure broken posts and holes in a wired fence on PLOT 13!  Bravo S and A for removing the dead tree and sawing it for logs! PRIORITY C was to move the piano and filing cabinets, to sand and paint the skirting board behind.  GREAT! Three jobs done!
It is absolutely amazing to have beautiful grey linen-fold shutters (see comments) rather than nasty brown, badly varnished, ingrained with dirt, blotting the view on my lovely house shutters.  The cream on the cake was to see grey from the inside when looking out.   So uplifting!
I had no idea it would take so long.  I worked too at sanding and using the special expensive undercoat that seals and prevents resin and varnish permeating through the paint!  I knew how difficult it was!
When I was at work in my career I would often join the persons working according to 'my instructions' to see if it should take that long! ... or to see if there was a better way of doing things.  I love it when people have initiative, as S & A did ... I love being open to being wrong (hard as that is) and that someone else has a better or quicker approach because of their own experience or knowledge.
S & A were unimaginably energetic and proactive. I can see how being younger makes a difference! They started work at eight and continued for five hours each day.  A was so lovely that she painted the third top coat on the outer leaves of the shutters on the Saturday morning which was more than she was required to do.  I need to paint one or two more coats on the inside!  They have pride in their work. They were fantastic company and yet we did our best to respect personal space. We shared the love of good food, music, wine and quiet moments to rest. They used the bikes and explored the village.  We went to La Place but after 5 hours work each day, with inclement weather as the week progressed, it was not conducive to sit and watch the world go by.
They were very motivating and encouraging and so I have promised to take certain action!
Thank you to Susan for telling me about WORKAWAYERS.

Spring 2010 - old single glazed windows with brown shutters folded back

Summer 2013 - change tp double glazed windows without battens

Summer 2014 - grey shutters closed

Summer 2014 - double glazed windows with battens and grey shutters

Summer 2014 inside to outside

I have another young lady coming from Ohio who will arrive in several weeks time and the PRIORITY will be sorting STUFF!

POSTNOTE:
Maybe the correct terminology is 'folding wooden shutters' ... or maybe they are bi-fold...

However, despite advice from builders, painters and decorators that the correct method would be to remove and paint flat, as in 'horizontal' ... we ignored advice on account of the peculiar flexibility and size of the doors.  In our opinion it was easier to open, close, fold in different arrangements to paint on both sides.  Initially, I was going to leave hinges unpainted but I did local research by wandering through the village on an bservational walk!  Hinges were left un-painted with nasty brown varnish but painted when les volets / the shutters were painted!

For those who are interested: we sanded the doors by hand as machines just jumped about...( maybe being on a flat surface would have helped but we didn't want the problem of not being able to get the doors back in situ!).  That took us 15 hours!  We removed all the shiny varnish and lumpy blackened dribbles. We did NOT sand to bare wood. Then we painted the doors and hinges with a product called Zinnsters B.I.N. which keeps the resin and varnish where it is!  It was recommended by Farrow & Ball for brand new pine skirting board.  After that S & A used modern vinyl brushes especially for water-based products and rollers but the brushes worked best.
The paint I used was being sold at a 40% on the last promotional day at LeRoyMerlin:
RIPOLIN EXPRO 3 for exterior wood and extreme weather.  I have enough for the gates but wish I'd bought more for the other type of shutters. The OUCH factor on my bank account nearly caused a heart attack!   THANK HEAVEN for WORKAWAYERS! I am now in Paradise when I look out of my bedroom and living room!

Silly old bag!

Who me?
This is 32 or 42 years old...resurfaced when relinquished...OMG.. memory lane!
I wanted to release it again, as it is worse for wear and not been used in over four years...
then history seemed to require a photo...

It was bought in 1982 or maybe even in 1972 or between those ten years for carrying teaching resources and lesson plans for in those far off heady days, when I travelled to work on the bus and later in the car.
It was before the days of sporting a heavy computer bag with a heavier Sony laptop... and before the days when any class computer was allowed to travel between home and school! Data Protection wasn't an issue on any of the binary formats as far as I recall!
What  a laugh LIFE is when one reflects ... and how so very glad I am not to be a teacher anymore despite the totally committed one that I was !

Onwards!

The ACT and Scenes of THAT PARTICULAR movie has ended ... just for a while, so onwards to Workawayers, who arrive today!

Chastisement:
I returned home yesterday to the cat who greeted me (she speaks cat language) but the bird was definitely not by the door when I unlocked it and in the space of seconds, there it was! When younger she was a great hunter of moles and rabbits and would negotiate busy roads to get to the common and return with her booty. Then aged about 4 or 5 she used to leap two metres or so into the air and catch bats!  Is this how the warm, limp swallow was captured? A funeral was necessary of a bird that symbolises spiritual freedom!  Was it her way of knowing that the other owner had departed?

Times they are a changing

just like the weather...
after the shorts the rain,
after the rain the sun,
this is the way of life
where we had begun
with joy in our hearts
when a baby was born.
As we approach the latter years we strive to reject grey clouds of past errors and judgements,
sadnesses and sorrows, to let in sunshine with memories of good times, hoping that we can grow on whichever path we go.

Glad that I live am I; That the sky is blue;
Glad for the country lanes, And the fall of dew.

After the sun, the rain, After the rain the sun;
This is the way of life, Till the work be done.

All that we need to do, Be we low or high,
Is to see that we grow, Nearer to God on high.

A door closes, a window opens, a scene ends, a scene begins ... Let the sun shine in!   

Let us breathe in the goodness and light that exists in each one of us!   Amen

Beginnings, Middles, and Ends

I quote from Gilda Radner who died of Ovarian Cancer.

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.”

and 
I quote from Robert Frost from 'In the home stretch' who died as a result of prostate surgery.

“I don’t want to find out what can’t be known. But who first said the word to come?”
“My dear, It’s who first thought the thought. You’re searching, Joe, For things that don’t exist; I mean beginnings. Ends and beginnings––there are no such things. There are only middles.
"What is this?" “This life? Our sitting here by lantern-light together Amid the wreckage of a former home? You won’t deny the lantern isn’t new. The stove is not, and you are not to me, Nor I to you.”
“Perhaps you never were?”   “It would take me forever to recite All that’s not new in where we find ourselves.
New is a word for fools in towns who think
Style upon style in dress and thought at last
Must get somewhere. I’ve heard you say as much.
No, this is no beginning.”
“Then an end?”
“End is a gloomy word.”

Restless in France is sure she doesn't like endings, nor does she like ONLY beginnings. Middles are vitally important!
Chinese philosophy foretells that when we close an opportunity, we open another... just like opening and closing doors and windows. THUS THERE IS the heading of my blog created three years ago, whilst grappling with trauma I felt was sprinkled upon me!

Lets' get Fruity!

... was the theme for the second Clandestine Cake Club event where a colourful spread enticed cooks and guests to eat! There were, I think, 12 cakes, 16 adults plus two children.
My contribution was based on a recipe from a calendar for a Jewelled Box cake but I did not have a square cake tin.  Round it was! I soaked the biscuity cake sponge with creme de framboise overnight. Then the white chocolate ribbon making was a disaster! Abandoning that idea I melted the last of the white chocolate bar and spread it on the top, then a layer of raspberry jam and placed raspberries pointed end up in circles starting on the outer edge!  Eventually, I put a wide band of silver wired ribbon around the edge!  The raspberries were 10 euros a kilo and I used 750g plus the four eggs, flour, sugar, butter, vanilla essence and white chocolate. One pays a price for quality and beauty!
It's lovely to make a cake as well as if it is a gift for a birthday!
There was a beautifully presented Strawberry swiss roll, which was gluten free and made with fresh eggs so the sponge was very yellow.
There was a green poppy seed cake with citrus icing.
There was a Dorset apple cake, a shrunken drunken dried fruits cake, and a banana, date and walnut cake which was an excellent brown, moist and crumbly.
All the cakes were excellent and those that could be transported home tasted even better the following day... but I have been caked out!

Less than a month to Midsummer

and I wore shorts to mow the lawn with two lawnmowers... one electric and the other petrol... each have different wear and tear upon my arms! BUT hey ho it was done before a clear and Starry Van Gogh night!

In the middle of the night - a poem!

I think
that living a life alone
makes the chattering mind think too much and groan.
I  think
that after one walks and works all day
another day is done. Gone.  And muscles moan.

Deep sleep is welcomed, but it feels such a waste
of the precious jewel of time; then haste
to fill all non-sleepy-time moments
that are part of living life
for all that one really wants, is to never have strife
'tween friends,
especially those who one thought one knew...
Hearts and minds have folly too!

Everyone needs to be touched or hugged,
love is a gift and a gift is loved.
Blissfulness from a power above
in the guise of carnal or spiritual love.
Hugs are lifestyle gifts divine.
But it doesn't mean to say they can be his or mine!

Hoping good health keep us on the treadmill
of moving,
of ageing,
of completing
days,
until they are no longer.
PLEASE don't let my mind and muscles moan and groan!

Purpose

A Sense of Meaningful Purpose, however temporary, is important because it helps us to feel that whatever we are doing is of value. It helps us to to not feel self-abandoned or abandoned by others. It prevents a feeling of loss and being lost.  It helps us to feel in control of destiny!
Does 'not settling down' with someone mean we don't have purpose?
I can find Purpose without living with A.N. OTHER. 
Keeping busy is a strategy for maintaining PURPOSE.
Helping others is a strategy too. We are social creatures who need other human beings.
We might look after our health, or work productively... but being a workaholic might mean we are avoiding Purpose!
Projects and Passions with intended actions and decision making supports Purpose.

I've read that retreating into a fantasy world or a dream-like state means that Purpose is not being met!  I've read that underlying issues, such as feeling inadequate or feeling low self-esteem may prevent a sense of Purpose so that one looks in others for what one cannot find and support in Self.

Does LIFE have to be so complicated?

Post published 22 May but EDITED with clearer thinking 24 May 

Four relationships / friendships

1. I was recently described as a heart breaker because I will not, cannot, don't want to meet that person's desires, though clearly there was an attraction on both sides almost a year ago and yet we have only written to each other.  He asked whether my life has to be currently so complicated. The answer to that, is, that my life is what it is now, for whatever reason. Anyway, I definitely think that living in a camper van is not a simple life having experienced it elsewhere for ten days, and although it was fun and enjoyable I need space to move around, to be able to share and do, and to be free!
I know I could travel nomadically because I have circus ancestry and indeed I used  to travel between Ireland and England with my young children and for weekends to the local fairs, where we slept in tents. It was the hippie thing to do and a precursor to Music festivals.
Simplicity has always seemed to elude me!
Ah.. there are times when everything slots into place!
What I would like is to share my life with a person or people who like moving on, but who also like stopping to be still.   I have friends in the village who are like that!  My cousin is like that!

2. I was recently told that I am provocative and yes, I am.  I like that!  I wish to talk, write, enquire, seek, research, explore, identify, learn and enjoy his company and that of others ... OK, so I know I have difficulty letting go!  He did too!  He was a valuable friend and I although I wanted that friendship to continue, it couldn't be! It had altered.
People are not a commodity to be wasted but it is true that we should seek those who feed our souls and who do not drain us! He never drained me but most certainly there was excitement, exhilarating moments and bliss. I am saddened.

ALL THAT BRINGS ME TO THE THOUGHTS:
When does the 'moving on' from one friendship / relationship happen ... should it? Moving on can surely mean different things rather than absolute closure.
Each person we meet can teach us many things and hopefully we can show them new learning.  I suppose that when someone does not meet our needs of what WE want to do, then that is when we or they, move on!
That's then when heartbreak may happen, especially if there hasn't been communication as witnessed in the last four to ten years of my life with number 4... who won't talk about the PAST in order to be in the NOW and in the FUTURE, even if that means we have to be apart.  I just think it would help to form a closure... but closure wouldn't have to mean we don't see each other anymore!
It would just mean that that Scene in the Act of the Drama would be ended and another Scene would be enacted.
Maybe there has been sufficient communication of explanation but I just haven't remembered and going back over the past with whys, wherefores and facts seen from a new perspective of the now isn't what he wants to do. I have to let go of the story... and find new energies to challenge the mind!
I am willing to address the pain to heal the wound .. but when the significant other from the past who keeps returning into my life won't do that, it's like hitting one's head on a brick wall.  The wall doesn't move, one's head gets sore, the pain doesn't budge! There isn't a lot of laughter to lighten the load!

3. I was recently told that I am refreshing and the distant friendship appears to be without judgement.
That's simple! The fact that we were flat mates with my husband in three different places over between 40 and 44 years ago is strange...so we see the faces we were and and the faces we are now... we are different yet nothing much has changed!  He is supportive. I love the artistic thinking... we got on well without expectation, drama, story, histrionics... it was normality..no highs and lows... we created a potato growing patch out of a huge mountain of soil!

4. I was recently told by the person who thought he knew me inside out,  that I have developed a habit of making a choice / decision then changing it almost immediately.  I think that it is my prerogative! I am woman!  However, it's not a new phenomenon... I take my time to alter the choice because it is who I am and if I make a wrong choice I can make another choice and when I have made the right choice I can make other choices!

There we are...
I have thought about all this and recently tried to shun all four!

LIFE is what it is... currently hectic... not boring... but when Friend of 18 years and actually known for 40 years.. goes travelling on his real life journey, even now I have to remind myself constantly that it will not be the end... that this part of the movie may have ended but another part will have begun.

The years available are reducing and I am TRULY determined to make the most of them...  but fitting in with people who one likes and wishes to spend time with is tricky because they all have their own movies to live within.
And so it is best if I do what I want to do and if they don't like my NO, then hey ho!

I can only go with the flow, go with my own journey, keep moving or stand still occasionally and marvel at the roses and the butterflies.
Know that the butterfly exists because it existed as a caterpillar... changing, metamorphosing, moving all life until the colours fade.

I'm trying to keep the colours!

One door will close and another will open.

Although FRIENDSHIP itself is multi-faceted the former partner and continuing Friend will at some point in the future return for his stuff or send for it or I will move it to another place but I certainly won't be carrying it with me!
Even psychological stuff has to be let go!
Anyway,  I may or may not be here, and if I am, I may not be here in the same way as today!

And as for all and the new, if they want me in their life at any level they will have to let me know.

I open the window and look outside.
I close the window and look inside!

Now, the target is to simplify complications!  Eric Clapton helps! Music helps!

Cleaning, clearing spaces, packing, unpacking, backpacking!

The external toilet cistern had rusted enough to expel water from the clean water closet and so the promo for 90 euros at LRM seemed ok, until we couldn't open the push button and outer ring on top of the chasse d'eau.  Eventually after reading unhelpful internet sites, I made three calls to LRM, then a man told us what to do. This was the initial idea that we tried but for some reason the bague, the ring, would not budge at all to the left when pushed hard with fingers pressing!
Until, I, the woman on the scene, made it happen!!!! Laugh!
Now the intake of water could be reversed, BUT not by me as I don't have the wherewithal, and still old plumbing would not reach ... and so to the brico shop for parts ... another 10 euros and after several hours labour because old plastic plumbings cemented into floor and wall had to be removed, old doors removed to make it more spacious, the lock of the door adapted so that no child or adult could lock themselves in, walls and floors were scrubbed down, the light bulb replaced, the light shade cleaned, and apart from travel and purchasing time, the job was done!  Hey Presto? Not likely!
A paid plumber would have had kittens and so would my pocket!
So, indeed a huge thank you my friend, with whom...
Now, the external block can be used as a toilet and wash area (cold water only).
Meanwhile, I have cleaned all my saucepans and lids, and some of his in caustic soda ... lots of soaking and scrubbing with wire wool! More tomorrow...between us there are too may saucepans. Some were assigned to camping but were re-assigned to my kitchen when we separated... now they have all re-united... like peas in a pod!
All clutter from another home has gone from my living room up to the attic or out to the atelier for a sort out of those rooms!   Eventually, I will have a wonderful pile of boxes of stuff for a Yard Sale or Vide-Grenier, a pile for Emmaus and a pile for ebay sales! OMG I DO HOPE SO SOON!
Stuff in my attic is of great concern and the sooner I move it on the better.
Despite the feeling of inheriting stuff and having my stuff that I left there returned, it has generated a mixture of feelings. However, having a man to help with JOBS has been most useful to say the least, and indeed I have enjoyed the company, meal times, shared cooking, shared gardening, working together and above all company, chat and friendship.
Of course, it creates more work but it is a small price!
Just one major thing missing between friends!  THAT! plus shared interests as well as TRUST!
Having a helper is motivating and energising. I like it!
Now, mid afternoon we have to try and print boarding passes, letters and start to lay out his minimalistic packing.
I am observing that I was like him... now I am calm.
I am really learning from the experience of observing someone else research and experience angst about long term budget backpacking! I can see what I would take and not take! I think keeping it to 10k or even 15k might be tricky! BUT rhe maxim that you can buy it there can't be appropriate if the backpack weighs the maximum one can carry on one's back!  You'd have to ditch something to carry the next weight!
I am looking at positivity rather than negativity and I promise you I shall cry heaps when he gets on that train for the plane!!!!!!!!!!!!

Harmony

The Louisa Hay 'positive statement' card says:

I cannot change another person.  
I let others be who they are, and simply love who I am.

and on the reverse side:

I get the help I need, when I need it, from various sources. 
My support system is strong and loving.

End of an Era

Today, he sold his house, where once I resided.
I accompanied him to the Notaire as the chief traducteur ....and this time, I was the little bird that said  'bravo'.....
Eleven years ago he asked  me to accompany him to be French resident and give courage! I did that and more and in so doing it drained me of my own courage!!!!!!!!
Now, with self-confidence but considerable emotional pain of which I am not ashamed for it is the essence of who I am, I am able to foster and help further his courage yet again, so that he can master fears of flying and travelling alone to Asia, despite having travelled to Israel and afar when he was in his late teens / early twenties!
Although I have a strong urge to travel, I appreciate that we cannot re-kindle what once we would have liked to do, when we said we would explore the fields of France and Europe.
SO ... I am filled with a deep sadness.

BUT WHEN I ASK MYSELF WHETHER I WANT IT RE-KINDLED I AM AMBIVALENT because of the very lovely generous, warm, caring and once-upon-a-time-fun side of him and then the absence of things I know I need now, which is more humour, laughter, fun whilst doing the hard work as well as assistance on the house and in the garden and in my life ...  I need to be flexible, sometimes planned but sometimes spontaneous and flexible on changing minds.  I need someone to share interests and although we have shared a love of food, walking, cycling, places and people and even music, art and architecture, something has been missing and I know not what. Once upon a time I trusted him implicitly with everything and poured my heart and soul into him... maybe that was the mistake... he could then have a lever on all my failings!  I thought he was my soul mate and yes he was... but .... there we go!

I know that I need security.  Therefore, I could never travel without a base to return to. 
Perhaps now that he has booked his tickets he will start to generate positive thoughts and plans.   We have discussed his opportunities ... he must profit from the opportunity before him .... such a luxury!  And rather than wait in the house going nowhere, now he can go somewhere, wherever his little bird takes him!
I already weep and know not why!!!!!!!!!! LOSS!
I read that SADNESS is a signal that one should be open and begin to trust...
But one should look forward. 
I am trying...
I almost envy him what he has created ... the freedom to go.... not to be shackled by property and French stone property.
I admire what he is about to do and admire the fact that he may get to pick mangoes!
I hope he sends a postcard!

Letting go ... of Lovers ... and Lives...

There are places I remember all my life
Though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain

All these places have their moments
Of lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I loved them all

And with all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these mem'ries lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new

And I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I loved you more

And I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I loved you more
In my life I loved you more

Songwriters: Paul Mc Cartney; John Lennon

Bye Bye Love when Memories are made of THIS

It was an Everly Brothers Music Night last night! 

 and so I quote for all the loves I ever had..........

I bless the day I found you

I want to stay around you

So sad to watch good love go bad! 

Love hurts, love scars, love wounds and mars
Any heart not tough nor strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain,
Love is like a cloud, holds a lot of rain .....
Love hurts ......Oooh ...... love hurts.

 And so it always will be! . 

it's all over... I just stopped living when you said Goodbye!

Hey ho ...  and on we go!

A Ticket to Ride???

In my dream of two mornings ago ...
I had been trying to book a bus ticket to visit my maternal grandmother.  In my dream I was an adolescent because I was trying to explain at which STOP to which I needed a ticket for the return journey.  In fact, in the dream I had revisited the actual school route that I used 50 years ago as well as the parade of shops before one reached the school entrance.  The return bus had to stop near the cross roads at traffic lights. I would alight, turn left, walk to the next bus stop to take me home.
In the dream I was wishing to go TO my grandmother's house but hadn't yet got the ticket!
In the dream I was outside 'an office' to buy the ticket... my large handbag with two handles was overflowing with dangling jewellery including beaded, faceted glass crystals as those in a chandelier. Whilst I walked along, I was aware of the brilliant sparkles that they produced and aware not to lose them!

I think the dream was to do with being aware of self-abandonment and how in life I have always tried to please people and be "just the ticket" for everyone... I feel as if I can't carry on like that anymore, even though I love helping others!

However, difficult the challenges continue to be I just mustn't coast,  day by day,  DOING and Retreating from A Sense of Purpose. In the last four years I have been WAITING to find energy, time, etcetera to gather courage to cash in savings and now I think I must not wait any longer as I need to get the kitchen, house, small travel vehicle and dreams sorted.  I have to go it alone. I have to face the fears.
I do so admire the perceived foolishness and madness of my previous partner who has sold up, disposed of most stuff, reverted to how he was when I first met him!!!!!!!!!
Have I become like him when we once lived together in the old stone property by inheriting useful stuff?
I have very recently been thinking that if I were to have an almost maintenance free modern house like I used to have when single parenting, and where I became bored when they left home,  it would perhaps be different and I would escape to travel.....I wonder where a ticket would take me!    :)D    HELP!!!