Film Review: I used to be darker

I chose this film at the new FANTASTIC LOFT cinema because it was at a convenient time. There was 'Yves St Laurent' but Version Originale Sous-Titres (VOST) won!  I was the only one in Screen 6!  The title of the film is from the lyrics of one of the songs.  Matthew Porterfield: Director.  Released: September 2013.
A young Irish teenager has fled from her job in Wales. In fear, not knowing how to solve her problem, she has gone to seek refuge and shelter with her cousin, without realising that her aunt and uncle are experiencing a marital separation (love and loss). She's pregnant but takes a while to tell everyone (love and loss). Her friend has come home from college because of family crisis (love and loss).  She gets angry but is letting off steam for her own frustrations, inner hurt and quandary of how does one help anyone in crisis, let alone one's parents! There was anger from the father as he broke his guitar (love and loss).  There is release of love, everyone tried to be kind in their loss. There is obvious depression and frustration. There is redemption when lives are built up, then broken down. Life changes.  It brings the unexpected.  Nothing stands still.  It can be cruel and unkind.  The stories of the characters unfold.  There is an end to every beginning.  There is a beginning to every end. There was a sense of profundity to this film-story without an end as in everyday Life!
At first I wondered what I was doing watching such a movie about youngsters, but I sat through the glaringly, appallingly not-my-style-music.  At the end I discovered myself tapping a foot to a beautiful melody.  I wondered why the cinema lights had gone on!  It was the final song.
It was a film about letting go...but to go where?  As in real life, people wondered about their  experiences and were uncertain of how to solve emotional and pragmatic difficulties!  As in real life we go to the next experiences either of our own making or that have been circumstantially imposed upon us
It was a good film, one that I would recommend, for being gentle, even with the drama of anger and pain.  One could reflect. Occasionally the pace was a little slow, bringing a minor point of boredom when I fidgeted in my seat!

The Life of Rif

A busy week, highlighting a need to tackle personal issues / tasks, think of Future AND let go of Past.
Monday:
I drove to hospital - about 50 minutes drive.  I receive results of neck and shoulder x-rays immediately afterwards.  Isn't that efficient? I have to return to the GP to see what further treatment he will recommend for the upper arm difficulties which keep me awake at night! The non-steroid anti-inflammatory kicked in after 4 days but then the 7 day treatment ended and yes there was a marginal improvement which has faded!
I did a little food shopping. Unfortunately, despite best intentions, I couldn't resist a long grey linen tablecloth reduced by 50% and bags of compost (terreau) at 50% discount too!
Tuesday:
Arrived at the garage early. Waited whilst they checked the vehicle. Then they told me what work the car needs before the contrôle technique in the afternoon.  In France this MOT is every two years. They suggested I had a new windscreen, evidently covered by my insurance!!!!!!  It had been severely scratched by the metal part of windscreen wipers when last winter, or was it the winter before, rubber froze to the glass and parted from the wiper blades!
The mechanic was very helpful, in his own interests for business of course. Once I'd understood his suggestion, I agreed!  He phoned the insurance company to change the windscreen. I write a cheque for the repair,  the garage gives me an invoice and does not cash the cheque for two weeks.  Meanwhile I send the invoice to the insurance company who re-imburse my bank.  As soon as I receive the funds the garage cashes the cheque.  Isn't that marvellous?  Some cleaning of the brakes and a piece of rubber for the exhaust support- it's an absolute miracle for little Clio and me!!!!!! 
Whilst they did the work I walked into town - quite a distance. I kept to the opposite side of the road of the site of the May 2013 velo accident!  I am still rather nervous and almost ultra vigilant on the road as a driver, cyclist or pedestrian. I concentrated, walking carefully, as the pavement is pockmarked.  At times one had to walk onto the cycle track because vehicles were parked on the pavement. I must have pre-empted the trip I had on the return journey when I didn't quite negotiate the steps of a house that poked out onto the pavement ... another horror for the blind pedestrian!  I went flying forwards with the weight of a backpack behind me!  Squeezed between parked vehicles with not much space to land, two gloved hands broke my fall causing a jolt to my right shoulder. An inner scream, an expletive, as the biceps tendonitis / rotator cuff tendon (whatever!) went through an excruciating wave of pain and agony!  Aware of a bruise on my chin, thankfully not bleeding and the same to my left knee, which I knew had bled, I was grateful to be in tact and so were my better jeans!   Never mind!  Fortunately, I was wearing my new strong but heavy walking shoes.
Before that, unexpectedly I'd met a French friend so we shared news over a coffee.

I also viewed a small but interesting art exhibition and a film at the new cinema as well as visited the very exciting new Tourist Office at Chatellerault, behind which is the new Elementary and Maternelle school and pedestrian access to the river.
Wednesday: trying to get shipshape at home, chasing my tail with domestics, admin and naughtily writing blog posts!
Been trying to convert photos from ipad to laptop but it wants to use Google Drive, other apps and not iphoto! VERY ANNOYING IS MODERN TECHNOLOGY and I don't live in the ARK.

Tartiflette

Last week I was sustained by this wonderful heaven.
The poor person's version is to buy a round of Tartiflette rather than the more expensive pukka Reblochon from Haute-Savoie, which I have to divulge is infinitely superior especially with a local white wine.
Anyway, not being on the ski slopes........
In a pan sautée onions and just before they are ready add lots of crushed fresh garlic to golden up.
In a pan cook until just soft some sliced Cherie or other variety of waxy potatoes with skins on.
Now in my version for the very first time I sautéed aubergine finely chopped.  Trés originale je pense!
Layer all the vegetables in a pan that you have oiled. I added dried sage and seasoning between the layers. Press down. Pour in a dash of white wine.  Cut the round of cheese horizontally through the centre and position the gooey side down onto the potatoes. Now, if you have another round of cheese you could quarter one, to position it onto any potatoes that won't get a slurp of cheese!  Bake in a reasonably hot oven but if cooking too quickly turn the heat down and wait a little longer!
N.B. Basically, it is a cheese and potato pie so you could try any melting cheese but nothing replaces the smell and taste of Alpine comfort dairy food!

Date and Pineapple Oatcake Slice

  

I put about 200g stoned dates with a little water in a pan and then used the potato masher to bash into a puree. After that I added about a quarter of a large finely sliced fresh pineapple which I'd bought just before Christmas for 1.50 euros and kept it in my cold pantry to ripen.

In a bowl weigh 350g s.r. flour and 350g oats with 250g brown sugar and 250g butter, a large pinch salt and a large pinch vanilla powder. Crumble together with the fingers.

In a greased tin... sprinkle and pat down just under 1cm thick crumble...then spoon the date and pineapple mixture over the crumble pressing smooth, followed by a final layer of crumble. Press with your fingers or a spoon.
Bake in an oven about 190 / 200C for about 20 to 30 minutes...when the oaty mixture is golden and not white looking.   Slice whilst still warm and serve with crême fraîche.

 

There was more pineapple and more crumble. So I made a further dessert with only pineapple in the centre which I shall eat for breakfast as well as dessert... and a smaller sized pineapple-upside-down with a crumble instead of a sponge!!!! Deeeeeeeeelish!

My friend doesn't often make desserts so it seemed a fair exchange for table talk with 5 adults, 3 kiddies, champagne with salmon canapés, Chinon rouge and roast chicken with vegetables, goats cheese with a red Bordeaux, a sweet 2005 Bergerac with my dessert, black coffee and then I watched the 2013 movie "Frozen" with the little ones until the sun had almost set!  Ah....... I am alive!

A Song for my Soul

Tracy Chapman singing in my head:

I want to wake up 
I want to know where I'm going
I want to go where the rivers are over-flowing 
and I'll be ready.
I'm ready to let the rivers wash over me
If it's love flowing freely
If the waters can redeem me
I'm ready.
Save a place for me
Save a space for me  
in your heart
'Cause if you wait 
I will come for you.

I'm not waiting for anyone but my inner self to listen to my heart, to be more grown up, to have a kind of re-invention, to start a new journey now that the last 4 years have passed, and all those before that.   I'm open to receive further wisdom from whatever higher power or energy there is to guide me on my journey. 'This is This' a friend once said. It is true that I am more ready to live in the now rather than the past, but occasionally the past overflows into my mind!!!!!!!

The market and the library

The mediathèque above Les Halles indoor food market is open on market days I believe!  I had a browse and it is very sumptuous and spacious with a reasonably good selection of English novels to borrow. I didn't gather sufficient courage to do so! Will try to get to my village library which is open on Monday and Saturday mornings to see what selection they have. I might even try to donate books to them!

Busy Village Activity

It's a glorious day and it feels wonderful to be alive and walk up La Cueille without a pause or even to gather breath!!!! Yipppeeeee!
There was a fire-engine, an ambulance and a police car at La rue d'Église.
I worried that the incident might be for an elderly infirm couple who live in the most photographed house in my village.
I was not UP and ABOUT early enough to see the full mist above the river.  There has been pollarding of poplars ? , near the chateau and at least two "elms / poplars"?  are being felled at the water's edge. 
Last night I did a dusky evening walk and vowed to go this morning.
Up my lane, in my courtyard, one would never know what goes on in the gardens of the high and low towns. There is always something...and the railings on the bridge have still not been repaired!

Biscuits for Amelie with Recipe

Grannyme had to think what to do for several hours with poorly child, aged not quite three, whilst the family went swimming... "Let's make biscuits" is what she said!
Ah... but there is no ginger powder... substitute 1845 chocolate drink powder, chocolate essence and cinnamon!  Yum!
Ah... but where are the people cutters? ... not accessible in my kitchen paraphernalia but resident in a box in the attic... substitute cardboard templates and cut with a knife!
Ah... but there is no runny honey ... use Golden Syrup!
Papaya pieces acted as buttons and eyes!
Now it is many years since I made these with anyone and the recipe was jolly good!
Children don't go to school on Wednesdays or Wednesday afternoons!

La recette pour les biscuits d'Amelie:
In a saucepan melt 90g butter / margarine with 275g honey or golden syrup with 115g sugar (I used less) and apx 2 teaspoons spices (all or one of cinnamon, allspice, ginger) and 10g chocolate powder.
However, I added more hot chocolate powder as well as one tsp of chocolate essence ... I guess one could add 70% chocolate bar... in place of the ginger powder.  I didn't use allspice.
In a bowl sieve 675g plain flour (I used less) and 1 teaspoon bicarbonate of soda but it could be baking powder or skip and use s.r. flour plus a pinch of salt. Add two beaten eggs plus the sticky liquid, beat together, then knead with fingers to a uniformly coloured dough.  It says to wrap and leave overnight.  I left it in the fridge for 30 minutes. 
Roll out to about half a centimetre thickness ... maybe mine was a little thicker :) then shape with cutters.  You could stud dried fruits for eyes and buttons or add decorative icing for features when cool... (beyond my talent and patience!)
Bake in hot oven for 12 to 15 minutes. Mine were beginning to burn after 10 ... be on guard!
Transfer to a cooling rack, then bake the next batch!
As it makes a lot of biscuits you could try halving the recipe or maybe freezing half the batch of dough. I have no idea what that will do to the dough!!!!!!!! 

TASTE FACTOR:
Some were nice and spongy, others too crunchy for my liking. The crucial factor seems to be, not to roll the dough too thinly nor to bake even for a few seconds too long or maybe not to have as hot an oven. There is no thermostat on my ancient insert oven! The recipe from a magazine from the past says 200C but all ovens are different! 

History of the Battle of Tours / Poitiers 732 AD plus Nature Reserves

The BBC recently aired a programme "In Our Time" presented by Melvyn Bragg.
I quote from the programme blurb: 

In 732 a large Arab army invaded Gaul from northern Spain, and travelled as far north as Poitiers. There they were defeated by Charles Martel, whose Frankish and Burgundian forces repelled the invaders. The result confirmed the regional supremacy of Charles, who went on to establish a strong Frankish dynasty.  The Battle of Tours was the last major incursion of Muslim armies into northern Europe; some historians, including Edward Gibbon, have seen it as the decisive moment that determined that the continent would remain Christian.

I have provided these links for anyone who enjoys history:

 http://www.thelatinlibrary.com/imperialism/notes/tours.html

http://www.histoire-pour-tous.fr/forum/moussais-86-la-bataille-de-poitiers-en-732-t9979.html 

I can't find my own photos of Moussais... possibly pre this computer's photo system.  It is quite an interesting outdoor museum / exhibition but last time I was there it looked as if it needed TLC.   It is sited near the lake of St Cyr which is heaving with waterside visitors in Summer but in Winter there are more avian visitors and it's good to walk around the lake... nearby a golf club! Also it is not far from the Reserve Naturelle de Pinail...where  now that mining for millstones has ceased there is heathland and small ponds, a haven for wildlife.  A group visit might be a good idea???????

Happy Birthday Daughter

 

It's my daughter's birthday.  She will be pleased that I am not making marmalade this year!
As an Aquarian she is supposed to be inventive. That is so but could she do more in that direction?
I found this description, which should make her laugh given recent life events!!!

they'd like to make the world work better, which is why they focus much of their energy on our social institutions and how they work (or don't work). Aquarians are visionaries, progressive souls who love to spend time thinking about how things can be better. They are also quick to engage others in this process, which is why they have so many friends and acquaintances. Making the world a better place is a collaborative effort for Aquarians.

Wishing her a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY and hoping that she continues to try and make the world a better place!!! 

Aldo Ciccolini - the pianist

On Friday night I was privileged to hear and watch the former teacher of Laurie Clement, my piano teacher.  In Paris, she was taught by Aldo Ciccolini.  At the age of 88 he plays impeccably. You may read his history here.

Here is a video of Ciccolini two years ago, performing the first piece from Friday night's concert which was as perfect!

There were pieces by Chopin, Schumann and Castelnuovo-Tedesco (new to my ear!).  For an encore he played a piece that my best friend at college used to play.  How I envied her ability!  It was "Minstrels" by Debussy,  here played by Claudio Arrau.
At the end of the concert I waited whilst the audience departed very slowly.  I would like to bet that the man in front of me who told the woman next to him that the pianist did not play with sensibilité (with emotion/sensitivity) was an insensitive soul himself and probably not even a pianist.  I almost said something but words in French failed me! Did he not appreciate an accomplishment of age and experience?
This, the week the Italian Conductor Claudio Abbado aged 80 died.
There can be no excuse now to think that my fingers are less agile!!!!! Perseverance, endurance! Music is a language which keeps the brain and body young!!!!!!!
(photographs above are mine)

Moved by a Movie

Whilst watching again the movie I realised that I'd moved from reading the Beat,  Kerouac and his travels across Amereeeeeeeecar... to watching hippie travels across Southern USA! The music tracks were great for the era! Memories...  BUT...
I had forgotten the tragic ending so it was not such a good thing for mild depression that had developed yesterday despite trying to sleep it off.  I made myself work in garden sunshine for I couldn't face a walk.  I LOVE to get my hands earthy!  It's rewarding to weed and rake out spent growth from last year.. make way for new.
There hasn't been a "down"day like that since November.  I think it came about from an accumulation of knowing that there is a roofing mystery,  going out the night before but being unable to communicate to anyone about the brilliant pianist, difficulties over two days getting the woodburner to FIRE UP, then "THINGS including medical matters" that had been built in my mind over the last week ... and the approach of February.

I have a large poster of Fonda on his famous chopper! It's waiting to be mounted (on hardboard).

I LOVE to go to the cinema but have never been often enough, where I am absorbed into drama, screen and sound.  I find it hard to concentrate on small screens; have never been a fan of television. Yesterday, was a time to escape into a different world.  Easy Rider.  Every ten or fifteen minutes I would press PAUSE to play the piano - Chopin Nocturnes ... with Passion ... for Romance that existed in Chopin's mind for love and unrequited love... One can hear and feel such beauty in the small trills, melodies, counter melodies, changes of rhythm and pattern, nuances of emotion... Then I return to the fireside and watch a little more... and backtrack if I want to!

At the end of the evening, the house felt kind, calm, peaceful, content... 'IT' had passed and I knew that tomorrow would be a better day for the soul! 

Hooting owl and crafty cat

Little people cannot sit still and they wriggled and jiggled with their paper mask puppets symbolising The Owl and the Pussycat... I'd sang the song and let them draw their own versions on the last surrogate granny sit, but this time, following mum's idea whilst re-engaging with what it is to work with little ones not yet three, I managed to devise and prep the parts...  Then the little ones mostly did the making of marks with coloured pens and crayons and glueing, including indeed licking their fingers, which I did try to discourage!   The positioning of the parts was a bit anarchic but eventually they were in agreement and could see the masks transforming from paper shapes to craftwork... it was a good opportunity to learn colours and shapes... Fortunately I had coloured paper but an old rose catalogue provided the darker colours!
Later, they made a boat with my blankets on the oak floor and we rocked and sang on the deep blue ocean. Then one little one started to sing Row, row, row the boat and so we found that on the internet and watched and sang, watched and sang, so all was calm by the time that mummy arrived!
Who's next for granny sitting?

ADDENDUM:
The class of two are so funny.  They are rather fascinated with my bathroom because they are allowed to have face cream!!!!! My towel rail has a shiny, silver metal, mirror-like base...one twin asked if they could fall in?!!!!  Eventually, one looked in and took his face closer and closer until it touched the metal whilst his sister who'd asked the question watched afraid!  Then he turned around and wriggled into the small space to sit on the "pond" and we all laughed!  It reminded me of being a Brownie and having to walk three times around the mirror on the ground and then peer into it... At the age of 6 or 7 it was a world beyond my experience and I was so spooked to look in! I'm sure you know what I saw!!!!!!

Book Review - On the Road

The reader is on an epic journey alongside Jack Kerouac.  However at the end, one can say "wow" and "phwew" and be relieved that it is ended. Also be somewhat saddened that such a brilliant, descriptive, experiential writer died at the age of 47, because of alcohol abuse.  In this novel there are many accounts of drugs, alcohol and jazz, for then it was not rock'n'roll!  Hi (high) ... man! The literary journey, eloquently and elegantly describes 'beat' people in all its contextual meanings, landscapes, people, men and women and all that went on between!  He was part of The Beat Generation.  It changed attitudes and history!  Interesting!

Evidently, the first draft of this novel was written in three weeks in 1951 whilst the author was living with his second wife in Manhattan, New York.  It was typed on a one hundred and twenty foot continuous scroll of sheets of tracing paper cut to size and taped together.  It was without margins or paragraph breaks.   Later, Kerouac revised the text, deleting sections which in the 1950s were considered pornographic. He added other storyline tales.

The particular book I read was found in a stored box of books. I had unwittingly acquired it, but as it really belongs to my friend, it can now be returned!  It's one of those books that I am  often reluctant to read... browned pages... however, I thought I ought to read this classic! Glad that I did!

I haven't ever been to America.  Sometimes I think I might like to go. I have a friend as well as a second cousin and his family who live in the north.   I would love to see certain places like New York, the Grand Canyons and places where rock culture began and maybe any French speaking towns.

A View of My Wonderful Village

and this at closing of the shortest day 21st December 2013 towards the south and west!

Isn't she lovely? Isn't she wonderful?

I absolutely love this painting and would love a copy!
My first thoughts are that she is seductive, beautiful,  elegant, sensuous, amorous, glamorous, evocative, erotic, fashionable, wealthy, intellectual, educated.  Someone who mixes in the circles of the elite and the bourgeoisie, with artists, musicians, composers, poets, writers. Someone who appreciates music, dance, or cabaret.
Perhaps this pretty-in-pink-woman has been sipping expensive pink champagne as she poses for the artist. (I would like that!)  She the muse, turns her head  haughtily or naughtily to one side, so that he can replicate her exquisite features with a Grecian or Roman nose.  Tricky to define! She drops the dress from her shoulder! It says what it does!


I did some research:
Her name is Marthe de Florian, an actress. She appears to be wearing a wedding ring.
The artist is Giovanni Bondini - the date1898 - It was at the time of La Belle Époque in Paris.
In Society the artist and she would have appreciated Debussy or Ravel, Toulouse-Lautrec, Rousseau, Matisse, Rimbaud or Verlaine.
A shadow falls upon the opulence depicted in the frame.
A shadow falls upon the history of this story.

Evidently, it has been reported that the owner of the Parisian apartment  fled to the South of France in 1940 to avoid the German invasion of Paris. She abandoned all her possessions which she had inherited from her grandmother and never returned but did continue to pay the rental! When she died at the age of 91 in 2010 the heirs of her estate ordered an inventory to be made of the items in the apartment which were covered on dust and cobwebs and had not seen the light of day for 70 years!

The person who discovered this painting said "his heart skipped a beat" when he saw it.
My heart skipped a beat when I found it on the internet.
I loved it so much I sent it to a friend and oh my! 

I discovered the story of the house frozen in time because I wanted to find new internet reading so had googled BLOGS IN FRANCE and the choices  revealed the following blog:
http://www.theparisblog.com/     Scroll down to the date January 2nd 2014

You can read more at:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/france/8042281/Parisian-flat-containing-2.1-million-painting-lay-untouched-for-70-years.html

and also at: http://www.house-crazy.com/a-parisian-apartment-frozen-in-time-for-70-years/
and at:   http://www.anothermag.com/current/view/32/Madame_de_Florians_Abandoned_Apartment

Yesterday

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A Full Moon - A Rosie Moon

02.30 ish
I awoke disturbed  ...  I snuggled down beneath the duvets, but unusually these days, I wished for a cup of tea.  Then memory set in!  I told myself that as there was no 'servant for the princess', I COULD get up, get cold, get a cup of tea, get a hot water bottle ... and then I saw the moon ... my Cancerian sign... A full moon with a star / planet nearby. Was it Jupiter planet or star Regulus?   It was quite warm in my courtyard ... about 9C ...
I wanted to sit outside with someone and chat, hold hands!
"Come outside ... it's a lovely moon out 'ere"...
so I took my camera and tried to shoot the moon!
It had a whole circle of light around it, but distant from it.  I've not seen the circle that far away before. Although I have seen full moons with smaller nearer circles. I think the circles are to do with refracted light and ice crystals.  By 5h30am the circle around the moon had decreased to a small halo.

I have a grand niece born a few weeks or months ago... she has been called Rosie Moon.
I don't know whether I will ever see her because her grandmother, who is my sister, stopped seeing me 20 years ago!!!!!!! This may be a celebration of having a grand-niece that I will never know.  I was deprived of being an aunt, likewise my niece and nephew were deprived of knowing me!    Nevertheless, I bought this little French Esprit number, 100% cotton, to send to the new person!  It's aged 9 months so it will fit eventually! When I visited Sri Lanka the moon rabbit was mentioned: it's Asian folklore. 

I was interrupted from my sleep by various thoughts and dreams about love and lovers and my children and grandchild!  Then the need for tea prompted:  the futile words "I miss him". These entered my head. I sobbed for only a few seconds before laughing out aloud!  A speedy recovery! It was an acknowledgement to accept that I DO miss all the lovely things we had together...but not the anger. Maybe Anger was part of the Passion and I didn't know! but no one should have had to listen to what I did.  I chose to stay despite desperation many times to escape from it, knowing not where I could go whilst all my possessions were in his house!  Maybe, being the difficult woman that I am, (isn't everyone difficult?), I pressed some triggers / buttons ... but I know I was not the cause, for I never asked for it and I was not to blame!
My father's anger towards my mother was more than enough in my life and I never expected to see that level of uncontrollable rage again! It was outright mental, emotional, physical abuse to my mother and indirectly very damaging to us kids. At least my dear friend didn't throw all and sundry through the air as did my father. As children, when saucepans came flying through the kitchen, we would scamper up to our rooms.  I would read. We would wait a long time or to the next day before it was time to venture downstairs to see the damage or to know if the storm was over.  One day I had to help collect cacti spines that had been embedded in the carpet...whhooosssh swiped from the window-sill with his wild moon madness!

I am thinking positively.  It is OK to miss someone. It is OK to mourn the loss of love. And indeed all that loss of friendship and support IS what I mourn!  He was a bestest friend.  It's OK to feel that!  It's OK to mourn the loss of Passion and Earthly, bodily functions that occur between people.  By feeling it, maybe it, the emotion deep within me, will heal!  BUT I THINK NOT. I accept it. I accept who I am!
I thought in the course of finding new passion and new friends, male and female, platonic and otherwise, going out into society, being busy with my life, it would decrease and so it has ... but here, alone though never lonely, tucked away in a village space that I love, there is a deep-down-hollow-place.
I am not ashamed to express this publicly.  It is not to shame anyone. I have thought hard and long about that. But I do believe in truth and so I have a vow to tell a truth when questioned or when the situation arises.  I'm not going to cause any level of deception. To avoid REALITY is a lie. It is not even attention seeking. I should really be writing the book ... The first words of the first pages always different, have often recently come to me when I am in the bath or lying horizontal. Then I arise and they disappear... so several starts have been finished! In the past many years I have often wondered why I can think whilst horizontal and then when I arise the words disappear.

LOSS ..... there it is..... in NEON lettering in my dream in March 2010 about 4 to 6 weeks before I bought my house, before he, I suspect, fearing that I was going to leave him, pushed me away first, to save his own fears of being rejected and abandoned, because I suppose that is what he had felt... history had bought us there... to that place in time...
I never ever meant to hurt him with my own anger about the world...
and I never wish to receive such anger ever again in my life! 
I remembered times when living together...times when he would regularly wake in the middle of the morning...   For some years it was because I thrashed about...but after he started to sleep by himself and when he lived solo again, I realised that I had been blamed for something that was not my fault despite the grains of truth.  Yes, I might have disturbed his quietude but as he had a pattern of waking early and still has, then it wasn't only me!

and so ... I REMEMBERED that on a few occasions when I couldn't sleep or we'd got something to talk about he would bring me tea in bed... and we would sit and hold hands together .. and for the first time in over 4 years I was thinking about the togetherness that tea and passion can bring... it was the last thing that really woke me up.
Before that, were other thoughts ... about being a surrogate grandma (rentagranny), about being a grandma that is not there with my own granddaughter, about the lack of communication she gives towards me when I am there though I have tried,  about how I try to support my own children when they don't seem to do what I need them to do to help themselves especially if I've stepped into help them.      So many thoughts... and many a moon madness... but I know that it is purely my struggle to make sense of my life... the past, present and the future, to make sense of who I am and why I need my friends around me and why I want to keep friends with my former lovers who have been truly worthy mentors and the bestest of friends who know me so well!  And yes, I have done my share of mooning over the men I have loved and still love!!!!!!!!!  It's my journey!

Book Review - And The Mountains Echoed

 And The Mountains Echoed by Khaled Hosseini

I loved this book because after reading the words,
my mind echoed with thoughts about the rights and wrongs that happen in human life.
How well can any of us do as parents?
How, sometimes unintentionally, we make mistakes
in order to please others
or to force events
or push and pull
in order to survive.

I will read the book again.

Q: Why did I choose this book?

A: Because it was timely. Because I enjoyed "The Kite Runner" but missed his second novel : A Thousand Splendid Suns
Q: How did I choose this book?
A:  At the airport. I liked the blurb on the back cover. I was fascinated by the 13th century Rumi poetry at the front of the book "Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing there is a field. I'll meet you there." 
Q: What did I like about the book?
A: It was about families, loss, love, sacrifice, -  in different situations out of necessity, accident or death, because of courageous or difficult decisions made.  It was about attachment, belonging, 'having roots' and being homeless. It was about poverty and the inverse.  It was about rejection and abandonment.  It was about secrets, deceptions and accepting truths. It was about dishonesty and honesty. It was about perseverance and the quest for knowledge. It showed how ageing can be entrapment for others and by abandoning the one who abandoned, one can cast off a heavy load. It was scary, provocative, sad, joyful.  It contains so many elements about real life that I found it very emotional. It forced me to question the motives of characters in the narrative as well as people in reality.  Out of anguish, angst and torment comes liberty and a freedom to live, and to love anew with family that hadn't been known in life.  When one doesn't know where the tale is going, the echoes and mirrors become suddenly clear.  When the sun goes down in the valley, the moon will rise elsewhere. When the eagle soars in the mountains he can look down and see clearly the smallest mouse. A truly beautiful narrative.
Q: Was there anything I didn't like?
A: I don't always read titles of chapters so was taken aback when the story wasn't chronological...I had to start again and pay more attention to titles which told me the time frame, characters, plot and events.
Q: Anything else?
A: It made me think about regret partuclarly childhood and becoming aged, how children don't always know so how can they appreciate parental sacrifice and suffering. It made me think more about the waste of life that can occur to so many because of poverty or the loss of one's partner, or the loss of a parent or the one who loses a child or a sibling. It made me think about the suffering we have as children or as adults or both!  It made me think more about the frailty and absurdity of life and how one's journey through the mountains is paved for us... it is designated for us by a Power so Great.
Q: What is there to be prepared for?
A: The international twists.  Make sure a handkerchief is at the ready!

Well... the current french amour

discussed in the rags on the internet is producing some very funny (to me) statements

- French people have a sex life / British people have hot water bottles
- French bathrooms have radiators / British ones are  cold (usually the only room where you are required to be naked in order to have a wash!!!!!)
- French people eat green peas with a fork / British put peas on top of the upside down fork
- French chat non-stop especially whilst dining / British only chat when taking dogs for a walk
- On the Continent people have good food / British have good table manners!
Abbreviated slightly! 

ADDENDUM 19 January 2014:
I can't disagree with this BBC journalist:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-25756961

I think that is what I have been trying to equate.  I think FH whilst in office has a duty not only to France but to the world AND to pay respect and deference to his Lady and not go scooting off elsewhere, no matter how strong his hunger, never mind appetite. He is a MAN!  I see that they have been an item for many years before he held office. Now, as far as I know, we don't know about what has been on her plate, but if she has been loyal, then he is offensive by not being honest to her and not honouring her.  It annoys me that two people who have acknowledged each other as if they were husband and wife, despite not being legally wed but whom do live together ... and then have 'painful moments' ... then one would hope people could be sufficiently emotionally intelligent to find a solution to the problem between them in a civilised manner.
Mature, senior couples dating ... I think should be able to talk about what it is that they WANT and discuss the consequences ... if possible before the deed is done but that doesn't always work out in reality!!!!!!!!!!

FURTHER ADDENDUM 26 January 2014 20h
MY THOUGHTS
Now that he has made his intentions clear why couldn't he have done this beforehand and allowed each of the three to have DIGNITY?   OK...all sorts of scenarios were possibly true, that in the last two years VT did not know, or did know, or was asked to leave or refused to leave, or any other unthought scenarios.  I know what it is to not have anywhere to go because one installed all one's eggs into one basket... called LOYALTY... and there is nothing shameful in THAT...
I am sure she will be OK... She has friends in high places... whatever sticks of belongings she has in the Elycee can be re-housed. I am sure her income will be more than the poorest citizen of France or mine and so will surface and may she hold her head up high... for at the very least I believe HE could have given DIGNITY and RESPECT because of the POWER he holds!!!!!!!
... number 3 should watch her back!!!!!!!!!