He blows, she blows, running like the wind!

It's a form of expression....
it's about how my criticism of others is really about me... about blowing hot and cold, running like the wind in fear, for fear of insecurity, self doubt;  also in fear of showing loving kindness, for fear of getting hurt!; STRUGGLE!
Well.... I quote my daughter, to say "that the past is not the future", even though I am 'trying to let go' of many things and many people. I haven't wanted to let go! Trust in myself has broken down, yet again. I discover it must be re-constructed, just when I thought I was doing OK! Too much time to think.  It becomes a vicious circle... unwanted negative thinking blocks out positive thinking and then good connections with others.  I have laughed with certain people but in the last week I have vented anger at my two offspring. I am ashamed of that. I appear to be making a porridge of problems for my inner soul and others who are nearest and dearest to me. 'Get a grip'.
I am not running. I tried being still, secluded, solitary, tried my hardest to be 'face to face' looking in the mirror, acknowledging who I am, trying to prevent childhood pouring forth, trying to prevent past mistakes looming like spectral phantoms, trying to stop criticism and blame that I taught others and that others gave me when all those words work at self sabotage.
Staying still in this French space with peace and silence surrounding me may not be the correct thing to be doing as once I thought.  I walk out of the house and see that mighty, magnificent towering chateau against the colour of the sky and then the world is wonderful.
My life doesn't have to be darkness. How did it get like this?
It is said that if something isn't working it has to be thrown away, repaired and fixed.  I don't wish to discard my life.  It does have to be repaired.
However, if my adult children don't, can't, won't acknowledge the fact that I HAVE been trying for many years to solve problems and that it is a process that they must also help with, then I am not solely responsible, if, eventually, inadvertently distance grows deeper with grievances about past and current behaviour.   I can understand why we blame our parents but we are not to blame as parents or as children for having tried to do the best that we could with the resources and circumstances that were available at the time.  Mea culpa. The point is that as a family we are rarely together so friendship takes a toll. One can't know and identify with others unless we meet, moreover, unless we communicate!  There is the internet and social media to connect us and of course, I can't make offspring use it!
I do have to change MY STORY. They have to change theirs! There has to be change in life for learning to be achieved. My wish is to fulfil my dream of having a happy family.

Events and Emotions since the beauty of the Ile de Ré seem to have plummeted into an abyss.
How to stop wallowing in self pity? ... it is true that I remind myself of good fortune, but the mind ensures that dark clouds are somewhat stormy.
I ask me to 'be gentle with myself'... and others... to be less judgmental.
I must work harder at achieving a balance; accept highs and lows, accommodate time with people and time without, enjoy the pleasure of daily hard work and the terror of clearing years of stuff, enjoy life when distracted from that chore, appreciate letting go,  stop worrying about the past and the future! Enjoy the beauty of the NOW!

Unexpected encounters

PART ONE:
Herein lies a strange tale...where at this town square, a story evolved, where someone met another one, and a third one met the two ... oh no! oh ho! Funnily enough it wasn't that funny at the time, although I didn't know how to stop laughing.  I had to control myself for fear of ridiculing the situation. A flare-up would have been totally unnecessary.  However, I didn't know what to think, feel or do!  If I did this then that .... If I did that then this ... to retreat and leave the restaurant entirely? to sit down as invited? or to sit elsewhere? A few days later we laughed at the odds against such a rendezvous in France! An extreme experience!  
I am obliged to conduct discretion!  There was a sense of the ridiculousness in the distance that some people might go in order to meet others and / or feed from clandestine liaison; a ridiculousness in being furtive, in being not open! What does secrecy and deception achieve?  Lies, hidden truths, in its many forms, including being economical with the truth will result in being discovered.  I am not being high-minded! What goes around comes around!
The event happened because there were coincidences, circumstantial changes, changes of venue, changes of days, times, changes, changes, changes. Factors conspired to converge into making a story worthy as part of a novel:

1. Travel on Monday was altered to travel on Sunday.
2. Monday postal delivery arrived on Saturday.
3. Saturday energy levels were low. Sunday surged with energy, anticipation, excitement.  No reason to delay!
4. Admin and household tasks were completed on Saturday.
5. On Saturday lawns were mowed and a good weather forecast meant they wouldn't need a cut for ten days. A rarity this year!
6. A week earlier, there was a desperation for sights, sounds and smells of the sea but I couldn't find a cat sitter or else I would have been on that isle earlier than the invitation.  Alone, is perfect but company always welcomed.  Then, Saturday late afternoon, a window of opportunity emerged as a cat sitter WAS available.
7. Monday lunch was altered to Sunday supper but not to include me!
8. La Rochelle was altered to Île de Ré but not to include me!
9. I arrived. I wasn't going to 'eat out' but changed my mind.  I'd eaten my dessert on the beach and a can of mackerel and oat biscuits was to be my evening meal!  BUT, AS I was on holiday and could please my very own Self, unafraid of dining alone, an impulsive choice was made!
10. 'Dress up' was in mind, but I 'dressed down' because I only dress to please myself.  When I dine out I always, always 'dress up' and sometimes am 'over-dressed',  so I wondered what it was that made me change into faded blue, not such clean shorts and a favourite pretty top wearing THE summer hat?  I'd taken off the pretty blue double spotted summer dress that I had travelled in that afternoon.  In the suitcase were two other black dresses and a black classy jacket but nope I did not wear them!  I splashed on perfume which I always do every day!  IN FACT, I had no intention of meeting anyone!   I think that is why I dressed down! 
11. A favourite restaurant exists in the town of that particular campsite where three converged.
12.  One cannot rely upon seemingly instant internet communication being received and read!

PART TWO:
The following day a different encounter ensued. Last September a charming, attractive English speaking French man chatted to me on the beach whilst I ate my peach. We wrote. In Springtime I ended correspondence because  despite his romantic compliments and invitations it wasn't going anywhere.  
This September: with a backdrop of yachts in the harbour and stripey coloured awnings, oh my goodness, he came into view, but 2 metres from me!!!! We greeted, we chatted about his health, his travels to Spain and France in his camper-van, and how he had downsized his van from last year. We didn't discuss me.  As I indicated that it was time to get on my bike, he inched a step toward me, I stepped a step away, repeatedly, eventually stepping over the boardwalk chain.  It happened in the way that some people step into personal space.  It happened in that way that says, "I like you".  Time to travel!  I felt compassion and rather sad, a little guilty, but not responsible for being a heart-breaker!  It was how he described me in the Spring when I said I didn't wish to have a relationship! 
Later, I sat with companion one.  We agreed it was 'Touché' and laughed, but in my case this wasn't an intended or wished for rendezvous!
Strange and not so funny when so many people of my age live solo.  One rarely is aware of single people out and about. In France I rarely see them. Should we singles all wear a badge?
Not so funny when all of us have basic needs for a companion, mutual support, appreciation and respect from others and to care for others who are able to share emotional competency and well-being.

It may sound bizaare, but it is a true experience.  I have never crashed on someone's date before! 

Needle & Thread

A few days ago, I enjoyed attempting to stitch the long, loose thread into its pattern on the duvet cover which had been used for 20 sleeps. It was after 7 sleeps that the thread came loose.  Very annoying! Guests complimented the John Lewis product! On a whim, as I couldn't wait for A.N.Other for sewing repairs, I did it!  

It's hard to tell

... if energies and synergies are being sapped by others OR if I am sapping their positive energy levels.
It's hard to tell...
I am waiting for a recently pulled, central-back muscle to repair, in addition to muscular and nerve tissue problems that have existed for over a year.  Perhaps incapacity has affected this week's lack of energy and is the result of being sapped and sapping energies!
Shattered, drained, confronting cleaning, clearing of chaos that I and others created.
Shattered, drained, unable to consider all that needs to be done. But slowly, do the dishes... Do one thing at a time. I again am aware that I abandoned Self.
Shattered, drained, trying to do less, but one has to keep working for the next event and excitement that is waiting on the forest path!
Fatigue is gradually being repaired.
Exhaustion has a cyclical pattern in Fibromyalgia where people overdo things, become exhausted, rest, feel less tired, again overdo things.  It's a pattern which requires control.
It's a form of behaviour which has boundless energies with certain people, and none with others,  or none when an unpleasant episode happens in a chapter of my life. Then I am forced to retreat and therefore to collapse!
When physical, mental and emotional energies abound, I think I can do everything in my dreams, yet without being like a child, shouting, screaming "I WANT IT NOW!"
LIVING isn't like that. The Reality is that my DREAMS will probably never be achieved. Even so, balance must be regained! I need to rest before energies can resurface.

It's inevitable for 'burn out' when too many tasks, too many interpersonal relationships are being dealt with all at once, when too many dreams for perfection become negated.  One has to pick oneself up, start again, look to see how 'it' could be improved  by being mindful of small things.
Maybe these thoughts are because I live alone or are the result of past trauma. It is true that losing 'purpose in my career' as a result of many issues gained me early retirement and a different kind of work.  I have never looked back on that crisis that caused success!

Where is the Eagle that soars?
For several days I haven't been able to gather energy in my small, frail wings to rise into the sky to look down on Reality.
Where is my Little Bird, my Free Bird?

In the last few days there have been various suggestions but...
I don't wish to pick up a broom and sweep dust under the carpet! That's not my style!
I don't wish to tread on eggshells anymore.  I shall say it like it is or not say it at all!
I do think when I really didn't think before ten years ago...I was always reacting! - and this thinking thinks about what is right and wrong.
"Does it really matter?" I ask myself before or after asking "What is the point?"
WAIT.  Keep still.
Waiting... that is what we do.... wait for the next thing in life, whatever our age.
My dearest grand daughter waited for the first wobbly tooth to come out and when it did....oh my, the blood and the need to find something to staunch the gap, the excitement and angst for all of us!  
Then she shall wait for faeries... and monetary reward and the next and the next until one day she will realise that she does not wish to wait for any teeth to fall out!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank goodness she kept her first teeth for most of her first six and half years!  It bodes well if she looks after the adult teeth when she has waited for them to appear!
Waiting... 
Today the sun is shining.  It beckons.
I walked a short distance into the heart of the village but my friend was not there.
I don't feel 'Lost in France' but do feel positive that all is meant to be!

Early August accomplishments for Workawayers and their host!

Last Thursday was a push as was This Thursday!
I started to find it difficult to wake before eight so 'twas eight thirty after breakfast, before work commenced. Then they started yawning...  but "onwards... keep up"... the hard-task-mistress said!
Wii painted back of staircase risers a choice of colours and eventually 'first thoughts' won - to use F&B 'Elephant's Breath'... which turned out to be more mushroom than grey!  BUT done it is!
Wiii and I made a start on sorting music and books that were mine and not mine.
The piano music was easy to do.. I shed a tear hear and there! But boxes of recorder music etc remain unopened with a label of what I must do with them.
We started on the books that were mainly fiction. I'm tempted to count how many but that would be OCD!  I sorted information books last September but a few more were discovered.  Some books were assigned to the pile to be read or read again as supplies have run out! ... and some are being kept because they hold sentiment and define who I am...  Some were designated to 'charity shop' boxes for anyone with a vehicle to take to uk! Others were 'bundled' by author or style and are ready for Day One of the 'Book Festival'. Others are designated for ebay sales, but initially will try to be sold at 'book festival'. Others are worthy of ebay sales!  That is PLAN A.
We continued on Monday and Tuesday as more books were found in the car boot sale STUFF spewing over the attic floor, all of which was sorted item by item, designating some for Emmaus, some for 'the hole in the ground'.  The surplus was organised not by price as I had done before but labelled as DIY/Renovation or HOUSEHOLD or CHILDREN's or CRAFTS or CLOTHES...It was one way to do it and made sense to me!

The highlight of Thursday was the hot, hot weather and a four hour canoe event with me sitting as the Queen guarding the picnic and valuables whilst my dutiful servants rowed up stream and down! They wanted to! We all loved it!
Friday
It took Wii five hours to paint all of back staircase two coats of top coat whilst we were in the attic ...and then an hour to clear the site! I had to 'be behind' so to speak, to clean to my satisfaction as there were drips of paint on woodwork and tiling... done it is.
Wiii negotiated cancellation of extra hours to cover travel costs. I accepted a small financial payment.
I discussed the same subject with Wii who was unwilling to pay for that service in any kind!!  To Wii I gave four hours travel and two distances of petrol costs without an exchange!
Friday evening, I reluctantly drove to a music gig for 'Les Heures Vagabonds'... and once I got there, I enjoyed wandering around town, feeling the ambiance, listening to not good singing but ok piano, observing those who watched the performers without a beer in their hands and Brits around the bar!!!!!! and felt that I was being a good host.
Saturday
We were invited for morning coffee but declined to accompany them to a chateau... we had planned to cycle a circular route which took us two hours. This was our second spree on wheels. I'd doubled the distance because it suited me!  It has been wonderful to see my village and surrounding area as if I was a guest!  It was also a baking day, teaching them how to make savoury bread, pear tarte tatin, make jam and cook Lasagne! Whirling dervishes in the kitchen!
Sunday 
After a sort of lie-in and Lasagne leftovers for lunch, we cycled to the premiere of a medieval fete outside of my village.   However, we arrived in the French lunch hour when nothing was happening!  It seems silly to me that punters cannot purchase at unmanned stalls!  Still, harmonious and tranquil besides! We rested with aperos before wandering and cycling home where we all had an afternoon nap! We were invited to an evening meal for six pm start... then proceeded to another friend's garden down by the river for the spectacular fireworks event... (must learn how to take photos instead of clicking happily!)  I was disinclined to go to the fairground with little kiddies and those who were taller than me, but rallied enthusiasm... THEN, quel horreur,  they were invited back to the friends' for drinks and although I didn't wish to, I decided it would be better if I went so I could get them home not too late! (HELP!!! I don't need to be acting like a parent or someone in authority but this developed following the similar experience two weeks ago!) "TIME", I called several times. I left at three in the morning... arrived home less than ten minutes later and started wringing my hands...and phoned twice to see if they had left. At 3h20 I was cross! Understatement! I couldn't turn off lights nor secure gates to potential intruders which would be a most unlikely event... but anxiety won and I was certainly displeased when I noted the winding action as they arrived at my gates. Unusually, street lights were left on past 23h!  I need my sleep at my age, knowing that I had to travel at 8 am to get Wii to his train! A bear with a sore head springs to mind!  Maybe I over-grumbled that morning! Eventually, there were apologies all round and from myself too!
I must learn to let go!
Monday and Tuesday
Displaced hours and energy levels collided but Wiii achieved conquering my belongings into an order that I know now I can continue with.  Looking at it won't strangulate me!  Of course, it will take time over time but I feel that I will be able to chip at the mountain of boxes! It has to be my business to get it done! I am grounded with the cat and my stuff!  Wiii demonstrated how to cook an excellent goat curry and the host demonstrated how to cook duck breast in the French manner...the latter was supposed to be for three, but hey ho two ate it all! On the last day of shared Workawaying Three ladies, C, L, E, newly formed friends, indulged in an English cream tea at The English Tea Shop in the shade of parasols sheltered from hot sunshine.  Thereafter followed wistful farewells.
Wednesday
After another journey to Poitiers train station I did domestics and dishes to make the house look presentable for visitors who wished to admire progress. Then I slept like a baby ... and the next day too! and so did Baby Big Feet!
I know when I am tired because I begin to binge eat, drink copious quantities of tea, my legs ache, the body aches.  I know fibromyalgia, old age and physical tiredness have won!  I have been 'going at it' for what seems to be since February,  helping others and helping myself.  It has been a fantastic, progressive, productive year so far!
Never underestimate WORK! It has to be the Way of Life and what on earth would anyone do if there was none?  I have no intention of being lazy or bored but sleep I must have!

Heading into the depths of August, whilst still feeling the heat of Summer, one is confronted with cold mornings and evenings with moisture on the grass. It feels Autumnal but sunflowers are still aglow in the fields. Yesterday and today rain prevented bedlinen reaching the great outdoors!

Onwards indeed, I have so much to do after sleeping, before the next WORK and the next GUESTS and the next HOLIDAY!   Change is as good as a rest! Meanwhile, that lawn is growing greener!

Wednesday progress

Woke up, got out of bed, had a shower to cure an aching head!
Workawayer ii stripped more ivy off stone wall - it isn't a priority but somehow it became a task to make my other land neat and tidy!  Two feminine creatures assisted W ii by pruning shrubs so that the wall could be accessed. We hauled debris to trailer, car and bonfire pile... and had to concede that   the dechetterie visit involving at least an hour of time was necessary!  More clearance, coffee, chat and then W ii started priming underneath of rough wooden treads and risers of staircase,  whilst we sorted 'someone's books' that I foolishly offered to sort into boxes for English charity shop. Authors will be bundled and I hope to try and sell at book fair on 15th August and if not, the.  goodness where! Some might sell on ebay. Some I keep to read, then dispose of or will display on a book case when I get one!   It has been suggested that i dig a hole in the ground and bury the lot!  I suppose that fate will come to us all!
I have 'a business area' developing in the attic... oh my, it is going to take hours until I change Plan A to Plan B etcetera!  I made progress and could make use of more Workawayers but also it is an i position on daily life and my own expectations.
A friend came to visit briefly. I couldn't stop for long! Lunch was pasta, ratatouille and emmenthal cheese.., then we shopped altogether between time for ourselves.  Evening meal was mackerel fillets, three time sautéed chippies and a green salad, my bread, crottin de chevre and raspberry jam. An American invention! followed by leftovers of Apricot cheesecake! I was too full to eat the last!   A walk was necessary before Scrabble, out of the town, down lanes and into la Place!
Work was a bit lax for us ladies but we need to step up Thursday and Friday! I need to achieve ICT knowledge ... and mow those lawns! Weeds are growing too fast!

Tuesday almost midnight

I absolutely love the smell and action of ironing tea towels which was my first task before the two emerged!
We moved very long, nailed and twisted roof rafters to the newly created shed space. They seriously remarked that I require a Workawayer with a chainsaw, laughingily commenting that best not to advertise for such!  They offered to finish painting the bed which was cluttering the room since Friday when rain ruined paintwork. A little sanding was required and after it was dry, wrapped it in a blue plastic bache and returned it to the attic with stuff left whilst the former partner resides in Asia!
Number ii removed more 'grimpant' ivy from the stone wall. It is surprising how thick the stems are and how they have wriggled through the 60 cm wall.
Number iii helped to sort sheet piano, recorder, accordion and school music and music text books! OMG!!! I reduced the KEEP pile to less than half. Ten years of tears ago I could NOT do that, so it is an achievement. Now there are boxes of music designated to sell, to dispose of and a flow plan telling me the stages and choices of what to do!  The boxes to keep MUST reach a book case...(have got to buy one) to fulfil my self promise to re-learn sounds I love in dark winter months.  There were two boxes unopened since ten years of those tears ago; recorder part music and school music archives. I was proud of my achievements then! Have got to seek advice from English Colleges of Music as to who may be interested in the former... maybe the Society of Recorder Players.  Looking at it all, not hidden under blue baches caused an anxiety and panic attack... It's a process! A friend tells me she has many friends of our age all doing the same. Karma! It's about Memories of our former lives!
Feeling overwhelmed by work... feeling tired after excitement, joy and shared fun company. Thank goodness I shall have just a few days before family arrive.
Famished today! Lunch was three omelettes filled with Emmenthal cheese. We ate it with beetroot, lettuce, walnuts, followed by apricot shortcake and tea. The quality not the quantity was praised!  Evidently, one workawayer HOST served ONE omelette the same size as mine to three people! Workawayer ii was hungry that week!
We each slept for two hours. I knew I was on the edge ...yet, somehow a shower/bath is so, so, so good for my psycheeeeeee!  Then  a bike ride on a favourite circuit... we walked into a field of sunflowers though not as tall as Workawayer number ii...

The breeze was fresh.  Clouds were moody. I remembered how I love cycling in such weather!
It had to be an alcohol free day... Elderflower cordial in wine glasses tricks my mind!  Dug potatoes created a Tartiflette without lardons but with true Reblochon cheese served with Tim's strangely shaped zucchini with cubed lamb sautéed in honey and cream! Second  helpings finished the dishes.
I can't sleep - worried about 'how to do' the attic,. Maybe I shall just help in the garden to begin with.
There are lawns to mow and weeds to dismiss! Work is the key to living!

The Fibonacci spiral

Monday afternoon

A little space to myself as Workawayer ii, who it seemed did not like walking, has suddenly come alive, and he and the pretty Girl from Ohio have gone for a walk together. I am not sure if she planned to go alone! However, they are both extremely pleasant and hard working!  There are quite a few jocular statements about me being a hard taskmaster, about the teacher in me and how I don't like to waste anything but find a use for it if I can! I used to take the first two statements as criticisms from people but now I laugh it off and this morning I have joked back! ... I am who I am and isn't that wonderful? ... for the first and longest period in my life (about a year) I have really been loving myself!
The dynamics have changed and we are having such fun. I couldn't get to sleep last night because of Workawayer ii keeping lights on until after midnight but I had to get up especially when I discovered the bright light was the fridge door open and Workawayer ii making a comment about a fly in the fridge! I expect he was getting iced water.  He doesn't raid the larder! They are such trustworthy people!
Saturday I was really wound up, nervous and well behind in prepping living areas. It was a two hour return journey so I decided to enter the centre of Poitiers because it was SO HOT and I was too ratched up! I needed to eat a sandwich and instead ate a strange cheap meal.  Later, Wii and I had a terrible shopping experience in a new VAST Leclerc superhypermarche which had the smallest of fruit and veg sections I have ever seen! I was so glad to be home to a cup of Earl Grey tea!

Today, we were supposed to head off into my attic (!!!!!) to sort sheet music.... but I needed to get started things finished... both Workawayers cleaned windows whilst I cleaned the Oval Room and Kitchen.  Wii sawed wood into two correct lengths to replace missing mattress supports, then painted undercoat.  After that he was sent to find woodworm killer and apply, as I discovered some under the staircase treads and in the cupboard beneath that, which the previous occupant used as cold store for wine! My very own 'cave'! Workawyer iii unexpectedly weeded my courtyard, deheaded pot plants and transplanted the almost spent 'pinks'.  It all looks so neat and respectable in my courtyard! I like initiative!
We had a lunch of quiche, sprouted mung beans (neither had tasted those before and one did not like them), lentils, olives, homemade bread and goats cheese, apples, water and tea... oh yes...and bread and raspberry jam.

Tomorrow the attic and remove the ivy from a stone wall!
This pm I poached the rest of the apricots and made an apricot shortcake and bread!
Now there is the top coat for the bed to paint, clear my living room and move paint on a temporary basis so that we can get on with more sorting. I only have four or five days of 10 hours work to make the best of!
It was initially a shock to me. I have worked alongside all my Workawayers and number ii was surprised!  It has been motivating, energising, demanding of my energy, reminded me of proactive planning and reactive planning, been great to have company and someone to share meals with, and occasionally to have someone to cook for me! I have not lived with anyone other than my children, a husband/partner, or when guests arrive for a few days, since 40 years ago when I lived with my husband and his business partner in three different houses (Surbiton and two villages in Suffolk) ...and no, before you think wild things, we were husband, wife and just a very best platonic friend! It was kind of student style but AJH paid us rent!
I have been on an enormous learning curve, having to emerge like a butterfly from a hermit crab lifestyle.
After my fears and trepidations which were immense, I am absolutely loving it!  I love nice people, young people who are willing to learn.  I hope that this week we can learn from each other.  I hope we can share cooking, get some activity, and learn about each other a little more... as well as achieve and finish tasks!
We enjoyed the brocante yesterday but it was too hot to be wandering. I bought a wooden heart shaped box as a future gift for someone!  They made very complimentary remarks about the party that we were invited to that afternoon / evening.  It was an excellent 'do' where food didn't stop arriving and the music was excellent. The international company was interesting and intriguing and celebrated the notional idea that a Granary was 800 years old!  It was good to be amongst acquaintances and new people with my Workawayers.  Thank you to S&S.

Accomplished on Friday

The shutters are painted...
plus one of my children's old pine bunk beds, which separated and made two single beds... out with the old and in with the new! Now they are Skimming Stone white to match the skirting boards.  I've had them for about 35 years!
One may still continue to belong to my former partner who is out in Asia doing Workawayer and having it seems some unpleasant experiences as well as good ones!   I left him some of my furniture but now he has sold his house and it has all been returned to me for storage If he ever returns to collect or dispose!
Ivy from the stone wall and other rubbish was taken to the dechetterie!
Workawayer ii cooked Tortilla.
The rain came again!
Photos are to come!
Must dash as Workawayer iii arrives today, Saturday!
Private space will be non-existent for ten days!

Accomplished on Thursday

Finished primer/undercoat.
All bar one set of shutters have one coat of topcoat so haven't quite achieved target as 'le chaleur' stopped painting!
Scraped, filled, sanded, primed and repainted bubbled paint on interior of small room.
Cleaned windows therein and damp-wiped floor and all paintwork!
It is the cleanest room in the house! Ready for Workawayer ii to return!
Prepped lunch.
Baked bread; the dough was started day before and kept in cool room to halt rising!
Wrote emails.
Looked at blogs.
Rested in afternoon shade waiting to do a other few hours work!
Whilst the grass was cut by my assistant, I cleared ivy from some of stone wall and the side of my stable/garage but there is more to do!
Took aperos and prepared evening meal!

Accomplished on Tuesday

1. Clearing up house and admin. Prepping for day out.
2. Checking mower...doesn't yet need expensive service as previously thought when blue smoke was seen belching out of motor...patch of oil on garage floor.  I am aware there has been a slight leak for some time... checked oil at correct level, checked petrol, did two strips, all ok! Saved 100 euros.
3. Maire's signature obtained to verify 'je suis vivant' pour le pension!!!!!!!!
4. Workawayer ii chopped and sawed last of designated pile so I can walk through to stored kindling. In the next few days, might try to move larger wet beams to 'under shelter', to dry out for hopefully other volunteer Workawayers, rather than me, to saw into sections for my woodburner.
5. Workawayer ii collected broken bottle where lawnmower had evidently hit it when I had mown neighbours ground, which I have a right of access over.  It would be one metre high otherwise! Incredibly elderly neighbours pay for the land to be strimmed but never use it.  It can only be used as a potager! It has just been strimmed!
6. Took Workawayer ii to town for haircut and to buy basic phone. One hour journey.
Wii is very interested in computer technology which causes life to drift but he creates music and is very likeable... a young man, self-centric. 
7. Whilst in town, I had a dental appointment (main reason for journey). When I realised that the trainee assistant was left to detartrage / descale my teeth...I thought eeeekkk.... even though she took longer, it was much more calm, gentle and efficient, apart from the shower over my face and the fact that I was left to hold the water extractor and tissues to sop up water running down my neck!  BUT, despite the negative, "Yes please" to her!!!!!!!!!! and only 28 euros!
8. Before all that, a kine session, this time concentrating on the underside of my big toe which after the bunion op has been sore since January...
9. Later, did shopping at Auchan, (not Ocean, which a child in my class used to say) ... bought petrol, a quiche, an almond croissant, and withdrew cash from the bank which I thought I would never get when their printer went wrong... but ohlay and oohla... I have my money!
10. Picked up workawayer ii to speed up autoroute for workawayer's first ever IKEA experience and he loved it!  After I stopped for tea at 5pm, I bought more plastic boxes because the stuff in my attic will be reorganized...
11. and then HOME Jeeves, via cross-country route to a Moroccan lamb tagine, couscous and a fine Gaillac red wine, fine enough for my limited budget.
What a lucky Workawayer he is!
I am a lucky Host too!

Workawayer II

Unexpectedly, he arrived one day early. Fortunately I was at home so he didn't have to wait too long for me to drive an hour to collect him.  Then it was Sunday, with a Festival in the village for two days. It rained 32mm! On Monday, the sun remembered it was July. After a morning and afternoon stroll along streets, a climb up and down stone steps to browse 'Les Artisanales', we were ready to view 'le chateau' whilst sitting on the lower terrace of 'La Bellevue' with a cold drink in our hands!

Savoury bread for lunch but my own tastes better...so an inspirational purchase

Afternoon birthday cake enjoyed on 13th July rather than 11th. Malheureusement, I had to share, but it still lasted two days!

Evening meal - A Mighty Fine Fish pie

Akin to the Feu de St Jean .. but this one for Bastille day

Rockets propelled skywards to commemorate the Storming of La Bastille.

For Bastille Day we watched superbly loud fireworks across the river from St Savin Abbaye.
Day 2 of work broke into the chore of chopping and sawing kindling wood.  I helped to re-organise the wood store.  I worked from 8 to 8 which is the longest physical workday I have done since helping my friend move house!  I like physical work better when there is another person with me so that I can feel motivated and energised.
There is no more brown skirting board in Le Grand Salon!... and  there is a re-arrangement of furniture.  The staircase will be sanded!  We shared a french lesson on ce, cet, cette, ces as well as celui-ci etc... We are going to try and speak French every day and explore expressions, vocabulary  and of course le grammaire!
The workawayer. com suggestion is to do 5 hours max each of five days. However, they are expected to help with domestic duties, to share cooking and clearing up! There is always a never-ending list of jobs for the host or the guest. It is hard work for me as a host. I have high standards even with my own mess so work never seems to stop unless I flop!
The mower cable had to be rewired. As he didn't know how to do that... the modern person only ever sees sealed plugs, I did it!  The other mower possibly has to have the carburetor cleaned as it is churning out blue smoke!  I am unhappy because moles are making mountains under the cherry tree on my other land! I am also unhappy because someone has borrowed or stolen a plant trough...value 10 euros including plants and soil. There were eleven plus two concrete ones on the roadside so they decided to take a central one with red and white geraniums!  Why take that one in the middle of the row!! Ggggrrrr!  I am also unhappy that no one seems to have skills to repair bicycles so I am going to have to take the third one I have in my possession for a service... rusty brakes it seems!  I am beginning to feel rusty!

Seeing the beauty

in each day and in each moment is a challenge for the restless mind and Restless in France!

PART ONE
A friend recently reminded me of MINDTRAIN by Yoko Ono,  so I listened again with the instantly accessible internet, the intelligent, electronic encyclopaediac tool most of us have at our fingertips...
I have always liked Yoko's weird avant-garde music!  I don't need to be on drugs or alcohol to understand it! It is artistic and creative whatever one's likes or dislikes might be!

Mindtrain is a series of rhythmic, vocal, melodic ostinati, which are simply described as 'repetitive phrases'!  I love the driving rhythm ... one feels as if one is sitting on the train... just listen to the percussive elements and trumpet vocals that create a mind meditation beneath and behind Yoko's screeches and wailings, which, in my opinion, are exactly like a steam train (onomatopoeia) or how the old electric trains would have sounded as they creaked and groaned on the rails! Such talent and madness are essential!

I have thought the following for a long time: that chatterbox thoughts come into the station of the mind and we let the thoughts get off the train at the station or we don't want to acknowledge the thoughts so we put them back on again and tell them to leave us alone and send them packing!! Often when I have suffered from acute anxiety or depression that is how it has been! I don't have it so much anymore. Got loads sorted!

Looking at dates in history, hearing her few lyrics, those words seem to have a premonition of her possible feelings after Lennon's death!  Mind Train was released in 1972 and John Lennon died 08-12-1980
Not everyone's cup of tea!  I found myself feeling happy as I listened.

Pachelbel's Canon and Gigue for 3 violins and basso continuo also makes me feel content and at peace!  Pachelbel's Canon combines techniques of canon and groundbass.  Canon is where several voices (polyphony) play the same music, entering in sequence.  Three voices are in canon, whilst the fourth voice, basso continuo, plays an independent part.

Violins play a three-voice canon over the ground bass to provide harmonic structure.

The bass voice keeps repeating the same two-bar line throughout the piece. This is called ostinato, or ground bass.

PART TWO
Yesterday, though not for the first time, I had a realisation that being in my own peace and quietness is very healing.
That I really need to accept the days like that when I can and indeed do need to regenerate energies.
I know I need to be mindful of the pleasure I gain when I am lazy and stop to wander in my garden and house and see the fruits of my life and the fruits of four years living at this house!

• look at the radish seeds that have appeared in less than a week!
• look at the rows where the old haricot seeds have had a chance to germinate or not - maybe they are too old and dead or just slow to appear... I shall give them a little more time!
• look at the shallots soon to keel over and be ready to eat
• look at the different heights of the three potato varieties
• look at the empty vole hole from where CAT hunted her food.  Naughty cat!
• look at my floral courtyard and grey shutters
• look out... look in....be at peace... know i shall soon be on the move again!!!

And so the music and the thoughts were linked and I am still playing her music today, when I should be concentrating on more pressing matters!
I am just going with the flow ... enjoying life, though those spells of rolling thunder in the early hours of this morning and lunchtime today with heavy rain and sheet lightning approaching from the west were very challenging to the MIND!

Times they are a changing

just like the weather...
after the shorts the rain,
after the rain the sun,
this is the way of life
where we had begun
with joy in our hearts
when a baby was born.
As we approach the latter years we strive to reject grey clouds of past errors and judgements,
sadnesses and sorrows, to let in sunshine with memories of good times, hoping that we can grow on whichever path we go.

Glad that I live am I; That the sky is blue;
Glad for the country lanes, And the fall of dew.

After the sun, the rain, After the rain the sun;
This is the way of life, Till the work be done.

All that we need to do, Be we low or high,
Is to see that we grow, Nearer to God on high.

A door closes, a window opens, a scene ends, a scene begins ... Let the sun shine in!   

Let us breathe in the goodness and light that exists in each one of us!   Amen

The Life of Rif

A busy week, highlighting a need to tackle personal issues / tasks, think of Future AND let go of Past.
Monday:
I drove to hospital - about 50 minutes drive.  I receive results of neck and shoulder x-rays immediately afterwards.  Isn't that efficient? I have to return to the GP to see what further treatment he will recommend for the upper arm difficulties which keep me awake at night! The non-steroid anti-inflammatory kicked in after 4 days but then the 7 day treatment ended and yes there was a marginal improvement which has faded!
I did a little food shopping. Unfortunately, despite best intentions, I couldn't resist a long grey linen tablecloth reduced by 50% and bags of compost (terreau) at 50% discount too!
Tuesday:
Arrived at the garage early. Waited whilst they checked the vehicle. Then they told me what work the car needs before the contrôle technique in the afternoon.  In France this MOT is every two years. They suggested I had a new windscreen, evidently covered by my insurance!!!!!!  It had been severely scratched by the metal part of windscreen wipers when last winter, or was it the winter before, rubber froze to the glass and parted from the wiper blades!
The mechanic was very helpful, in his own interests for business of course. Once I'd understood his suggestion, I agreed!  He phoned the insurance company to change the windscreen. I write a cheque for the repair,  the garage gives me an invoice and does not cash the cheque for two weeks.  Meanwhile I send the invoice to the insurance company who re-imburse my bank.  As soon as I receive the funds the garage cashes the cheque.  Isn't that marvellous?  Some cleaning of the brakes and a piece of rubber for the exhaust support- it's an absolute miracle for little Clio and me!!!!!! 
Whilst they did the work I walked into town - quite a distance. I kept to the opposite side of the road of the site of the May 2013 velo accident!  I am still rather nervous and almost ultra vigilant on the road as a driver, cyclist or pedestrian. I concentrated, walking carefully, as the pavement is pockmarked.  At times one had to walk onto the cycle track because vehicles were parked on the pavement. I must have pre-empted the trip I had on the return journey when I didn't quite negotiate the steps of a house that poked out onto the pavement ... another horror for the blind pedestrian!  I went flying forwards with the weight of a backpack behind me!  Squeezed between parked vehicles with not much space to land, two gloved hands broke my fall causing a jolt to my right shoulder. An inner scream, an expletive, as the biceps tendonitis / rotator cuff tendon (whatever!) went through an excruciating wave of pain and agony!  Aware of a bruise on my chin, thankfully not bleeding and the same to my left knee, which I knew had bled, I was grateful to be in tact and so were my better jeans!   Never mind!  Fortunately, I was wearing my new strong but heavy walking shoes.
Before that, unexpectedly I'd met a French friend so we shared news over a coffee.

I also viewed a small but interesting art exhibition and a film at the new cinema as well as visited the very exciting new Tourist Office at Chatellerault, behind which is the new Elementary and Maternelle school and pedestrian access to the river.
Wednesday: trying to get shipshape at home, chasing my tail with domestics, admin and naughtily writing blog posts!
Been trying to convert photos from ipad to laptop but it wants to use Google Drive, other apps and not iphoto! VERY ANNOYING IS MODERN TECHNOLOGY and I don't live in the ARK.

Busy Village Activity

It's a glorious day and it feels wonderful to be alive and walk up La Cueille without a pause or even to gather breath!!!! Yipppeeeee!
There was a fire-engine, an ambulance and a police car at La rue d'Église.
I worried that the incident might be for an elderly infirm couple who live in the most photographed house in my village.
I was not UP and ABOUT early enough to see the full mist above the river.  There has been pollarding of poplars ? , near the chateau and at least two "elms / poplars"?  are being felled at the water's edge. 
Last night I did a dusky evening walk and vowed to go this morning.
Up my lane, in my courtyard, one would never know what goes on in the gardens of the high and low towns. There is always something...and the railings on the bridge have still not been repaired!

Moved by a Movie

Whilst watching again the movie I realised that I'd moved from reading the Beat,  Kerouac and his travels across Amereeeeeeeecar... to watching hippie travels across Southern USA! The music tracks were great for the era! Memories...  BUT...
I had forgotten the tragic ending so it was not such a good thing for mild depression that had developed yesterday despite trying to sleep it off.  I made myself work in garden sunshine for I couldn't face a walk.  I LOVE to get my hands earthy!  It's rewarding to weed and rake out spent growth from last year.. make way for new.
There hasn't been a "down"day like that since November.  I think it came about from an accumulation of knowing that there is a roofing mystery,  going out the night before but being unable to communicate to anyone about the brilliant pianist, difficulties over two days getting the woodburner to FIRE UP, then "THINGS including medical matters" that had been built in my mind over the last week ... and the approach of February.

I have a large poster of Fonda on his famous chopper! It's waiting to be mounted (on hardboard).

I LOVE to go to the cinema but have never been often enough, where I am absorbed into drama, screen and sound.  I find it hard to concentrate on small screens; have never been a fan of television. Yesterday, was a time to escape into a different world.  Easy Rider.  Every ten or fifteen minutes I would press PAUSE to play the piano - Chopin Nocturnes ... with Passion ... for Romance that existed in Chopin's mind for love and unrequited love... One can hear and feel such beauty in the small trills, melodies, counter melodies, changes of rhythm and pattern, nuances of emotion... Then I return to the fireside and watch a little more... and backtrack if I want to!

At the end of the evening, the house felt kind, calm, peaceful, content... 'IT' had passed and I knew that tomorrow would be a better day for the soul! 

The day after Christmas Day

The 'meanings' of Christmas and the 'meanings' of Pagan winter elements are sometimes lost with the continuing rise of consumerism and capitalism.  I once worked in a Catholic environment when initially, I was an atheist I'm not sure they knew that as they were desperate to have a pianist!
I believed I'd been sent there for a reason.  It lasted for 23 years. I worked hard to maintain the Catholic ethos, in which I almost converted to the Faith!  Work and Life was wonderful to begin with (I was saved )and then life became increasingly full of unsatisfactory experiences.  I was found "wanting" under my own and of the school's enormous stress, needing to learn further lessons in life. I left in ill-health. The school took at least another 5 years to recuperate it's own illness.  For whatever reason, certainly without preaching, I quote the Eight Beatitudes. I simply wish to remind myself of the struggles of humanity.

1. Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
2. Blessed are the meek, for they shall possess the earth.
3. Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
4. Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for justice, for they shall be satisfied.
5. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.
6. Blessed are the clean of heart, for they shall see God.
7. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God
8. Blessed are they who suffer persecution for justice' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

I believe that whatever we sow, so shall we reap...therefore with knowledge, wisdom, insight, and with much more to learn...I am imperfect...May we all be blessed with finding a solution to our struggles...

Diary entry for 18th December

It's now Friday 20th December evening and I am listening to Handel's Messiah.

Thanks to Google I can do a back posting just to confuse any of you who are reading these scripts! 

Wednesday December 18^th 2013 - 12 noon

It’s a new day and am I reeling or not?

Returning from three weeks in English highly centrally-heated internal living environments to an 8 degree room environment yesterday evening, I was grateful for the rising temperatures of 10 degrees and a tatch by the following midday 

Yes, I have enjoyed coming back to my house. 

With silence about me unless I turn on the radio, the thoughts stream in about the last three weeks, the people I have met, the experiences I have had, the opportunities missed, the unexpected and the expected events and emotions.

A walk to the boulangerie ensures that I speak to someone. My housebound neighbour’s daughter exclaims that I have been away a long time.  The high-pitched elderly man who lives in my street further towards the village gathers info that I've been to England to be with family. Villagers love a little gossip and intrigue about a single, elderly, (I'm only 60 something!) English female and what is she doing in this village far from her family and friends…. And well may they speculate for it is the never-ending question that I ask myself again when I climb the slope in my French street, marvelling at what goes on and why on earth I have spent so much on a roof ( hear the expletives!!!) and a house ( it's all mine and house rentals throughout my life would have amounted to the same!!!) when I can’t spend that on a vehicle or grand piano or travelling!

Oh oh oh!!!!

Where am I? Part Two

Safely in France, having escaped to England for three weeks!

I walked today and appreciated the quiet landscape.
The patron of "Les Belles Toitures" arrived unexpectedly and not knowing I had returned was showing off my roof to his supplier. He has now been fully paid!  
I highly recommend this company.
I love my roof.  Although I have empty pockets, the pleasure my new roof gives is enormous when I look up to the little bird and when the little bird looks down on me!

My visit to England was eventful in very many ways which I can and cannot report here in public.
Fortunately, the computer issues were corrected after at least 8 hours in the Apple Store over 5 appointments with no charge. Now it seems to run differently. Gmail and everything seems altered!

Flights and National Express were challenging with 10kg of techy baggage!  At the airport, I didn't realise the differences between parking charges of French airports in this region as I had not fully done research, but luckily managed to get the fee halved by initiative!  Hiring a car in England was difficult as one arrives and the questions and costs mount. Nothing is transparent in the world of commerce.  I passed the tests and was given the responsibility to drive about 400 miles in the car... a Fiat, but it wasn't small!

I met a very dear friend from over 30 years ago!  Sadly, I couldn't see several people that I planned to see and wanted / needed to see. I did see others unexpectedly and that was great fun. Though when my cousin's daughter arrived at my cousin's house as she had been evacuated with the FLOOD ALERT, that was not amusing.  It seems her little abode was safe. The sea was a hungry brown dog between tidal surges and has torn savagely at the east coast.

I did see my son but his timetable spun mine topsy-turvy so that I saw more of my daughter and grand daughter which pleased me.  Daughter and her friends who are parents of the school are having incomprehensible problems at my grand-daughters primary school, but no, I can't mention the name of the school, YET.... but dearly would like to!!! I yearn to report how they treat parents !!!!

I stayed on my son's boat but strong winds turned the turbine almost non stop in order to generate electricity for the boat. Sound magnified down the funnel shouting at my ears and mind perhaps like the tramontaine.  The steel tug acted as a sound box.  Now, I really don't need to be driven more crazy!  It didn't stop raining on the south coast for several days whilst I was there whereas when I was in East Anglia there was no rain at all! Cooped up and living without side windows is not for me!!!! and I don't really understand why it is for him, except that madness clearly runs in the family blood!

I went dressed for winter but it was mild in the home country!
N.B. 10 mm of rain fell in my absence then 18mm on my second night back at home.