Yesterday

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A Full Moon - A Rosie Moon

02.30 ish
I awoke disturbed  ...  I snuggled down beneath the duvets, but unusually these days, I wished for a cup of tea.  Then memory set in!  I told myself that as there was no 'servant for the princess', I COULD get up, get cold, get a cup of tea, get a hot water bottle ... and then I saw the moon ... my Cancerian sign... A full moon with a star / planet nearby. Was it Jupiter planet or star Regulus?   It was quite warm in my courtyard ... about 9C ...
I wanted to sit outside with someone and chat, hold hands!
"Come outside ... it's a lovely moon out 'ere"...
so I took my camera and tried to shoot the moon!
It had a whole circle of light around it, but distant from it.  I've not seen the circle that far away before. Although I have seen full moons with smaller nearer circles. I think the circles are to do with refracted light and ice crystals.  By 5h30am the circle around the moon had decreased to a small halo.

I have a grand niece born a few weeks or months ago... she has been called Rosie Moon.
I don't know whether I will ever see her because her grandmother, who is my sister, stopped seeing me 20 years ago!!!!!!! This may be a celebration of having a grand-niece that I will never know.  I was deprived of being an aunt, likewise my niece and nephew were deprived of knowing me!    Nevertheless, I bought this little French Esprit number, 100% cotton, to send to the new person!  It's aged 9 months so it will fit eventually! When I visited Sri Lanka the moon rabbit was mentioned: it's Asian folklore. 

I was interrupted from my sleep by various thoughts and dreams about love and lovers and my children and grandchild!  Then the need for tea prompted:  the futile words "I miss him". These entered my head. I sobbed for only a few seconds before laughing out aloud!  A speedy recovery! It was an acknowledgement to accept that I DO miss all the lovely things we had together...but not the anger. Maybe Anger was part of the Passion and I didn't know! but no one should have had to listen to what I did.  I chose to stay despite desperation many times to escape from it, knowing not where I could go whilst all my possessions were in his house!  Maybe, being the difficult woman that I am, (isn't everyone difficult?), I pressed some triggers / buttons ... but I know I was not the cause, for I never asked for it and I was not to blame!
My father's anger towards my mother was more than enough in my life and I never expected to see that level of uncontrollable rage again! It was outright mental, emotional, physical abuse to my mother and indirectly very damaging to us kids. At least my dear friend didn't throw all and sundry through the air as did my father. As children, when saucepans came flying through the kitchen, we would scamper up to our rooms.  I would read. We would wait a long time or to the next day before it was time to venture downstairs to see the damage or to know if the storm was over.  One day I had to help collect cacti spines that had been embedded in the carpet...whhooosssh swiped from the window-sill with his wild moon madness!

I am thinking positively.  It is OK to miss someone. It is OK to mourn the loss of love. And indeed all that loss of friendship and support IS what I mourn!  He was a bestest friend.  It's OK to feel that!  It's OK to mourn the loss of Passion and Earthly, bodily functions that occur between people.  By feeling it, maybe it, the emotion deep within me, will heal!  BUT I THINK NOT. I accept it. I accept who I am!
I thought in the course of finding new passion and new friends, male and female, platonic and otherwise, going out into society, being busy with my life, it would decrease and so it has ... but here, alone though never lonely, tucked away in a village space that I love, there is a deep-down-hollow-place.
I am not ashamed to express this publicly.  It is not to shame anyone. I have thought hard and long about that. But I do believe in truth and so I have a vow to tell a truth when questioned or when the situation arises.  I'm not going to cause any level of deception. To avoid REALITY is a lie. It is not even attention seeking. I should really be writing the book ... The first words of the first pages always different, have often recently come to me when I am in the bath or lying horizontal. Then I arise and they disappear... so several starts have been finished! In the past many years I have often wondered why I can think whilst horizontal and then when I arise the words disappear.

LOSS ..... there it is..... in NEON lettering in my dream in March 2010 about 4 to 6 weeks before I bought my house, before he, I suspect, fearing that I was going to leave him, pushed me away first, to save his own fears of being rejected and abandoned, because I suppose that is what he had felt... history had bought us there... to that place in time...
I never ever meant to hurt him with my own anger about the world...
and I never wish to receive such anger ever again in my life! 
I remembered times when living together...times when he would regularly wake in the middle of the morning...   For some years it was because I thrashed about...but after he started to sleep by himself and when he lived solo again, I realised that I had been blamed for something that was not my fault despite the grains of truth.  Yes, I might have disturbed his quietude but as he had a pattern of waking early and still has, then it wasn't only me!

and so ... I REMEMBERED that on a few occasions when I couldn't sleep or we'd got something to talk about he would bring me tea in bed... and we would sit and hold hands together .. and for the first time in over 4 years I was thinking about the togetherness that tea and passion can bring... it was the last thing that really woke me up.
Before that, were other thoughts ... about being a surrogate grandma (rentagranny), about being a grandma that is not there with my own granddaughter, about the lack of communication she gives towards me when I am there though I have tried,  about how I try to support my own children when they don't seem to do what I need them to do to help themselves especially if I've stepped into help them.      So many thoughts... and many a moon madness... but I know that it is purely my struggle to make sense of my life... the past, present and the future, to make sense of who I am and why I need my friends around me and why I want to keep friends with my former lovers who have been truly worthy mentors and the bestest of friends who know me so well!  And yes, I have done my share of mooning over the men I have loved and still love!!!!!!!!!  It's my journey!

Book Review - And The Mountains Echoed

 And The Mountains Echoed by Khaled Hosseini

I loved this book because after reading the words,
my mind echoed with thoughts about the rights and wrongs that happen in human life.
How well can any of us do as parents?
How, sometimes unintentionally, we make mistakes
in order to please others
or to force events
or push and pull
in order to survive.

I will read the book again.

Q: Why did I choose this book?

A: Because it was timely. Because I enjoyed "The Kite Runner" but missed his second novel : A Thousand Splendid Suns
Q: How did I choose this book?
A:  At the airport. I liked the blurb on the back cover. I was fascinated by the 13th century Rumi poetry at the front of the book "Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing there is a field. I'll meet you there." 
Q: What did I like about the book?
A: It was about families, loss, love, sacrifice, -  in different situations out of necessity, accident or death, because of courageous or difficult decisions made.  It was about attachment, belonging, 'having roots' and being homeless. It was about poverty and the inverse.  It was about rejection and abandonment.  It was about secrets, deceptions and accepting truths. It was about dishonesty and honesty. It was about perseverance and the quest for knowledge. It showed how ageing can be entrapment for others and by abandoning the one who abandoned, one can cast off a heavy load. It was scary, provocative, sad, joyful.  It contains so many elements about real life that I found it very emotional. It forced me to question the motives of characters in the narrative as well as people in reality.  Out of anguish, angst and torment comes liberty and a freedom to live, and to love anew with family that hadn't been known in life.  When one doesn't know where the tale is going, the echoes and mirrors become suddenly clear.  When the sun goes down in the valley, the moon will rise elsewhere. When the eagle soars in the mountains he can look down and see clearly the smallest mouse. A truly beautiful narrative.
Q: Was there anything I didn't like?
A: I don't always read titles of chapters so was taken aback when the story wasn't chronological...I had to start again and pay more attention to titles which told me the time frame, characters, plot and events.
Q: Anything else?
A: It made me think about regret partuclarly childhood and becoming aged, how children don't always know so how can they appreciate parental sacrifice and suffering. It made me think more about the waste of life that can occur to so many because of poverty or the loss of one's partner, or the loss of a parent or the one who loses a child or a sibling. It made me think about the suffering we have as children or as adults or both!  It made me think more about the frailty and absurdity of life and how one's journey through the mountains is paved for us... it is designated for us by a Power so Great.
Q: What is there to be prepared for?
A: The international twists.  Make sure a handkerchief is at the ready!

Well... the current french amour

discussed in the rags on the internet is producing some very funny (to me) statements

- French people have a sex life / British people have hot water bottles
- French bathrooms have radiators / British ones are  cold (usually the only room where you are required to be naked in order to have a wash!!!!!)
- French people eat green peas with a fork / British put peas on top of the upside down fork
- French chat non-stop especially whilst dining / British only chat when taking dogs for a walk
- On the Continent people have good food / British have good table manners!
Abbreviated slightly! 

ADDENDUM 19 January 2014:
I can't disagree with this BBC journalist:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-25756961

I think that is what I have been trying to equate.  I think FH whilst in office has a duty not only to France but to the world AND to pay respect and deference to his Lady and not go scooting off elsewhere, no matter how strong his hunger, never mind appetite. He is a MAN!  I see that they have been an item for many years before he held office. Now, as far as I know, we don't know about what has been on her plate, but if she has been loyal, then he is offensive by not being honest to her and not honouring her.  It annoys me that two people who have acknowledged each other as if they were husband and wife, despite not being legally wed but whom do live together ... and then have 'painful moments' ... then one would hope people could be sufficiently emotionally intelligent to find a solution to the problem between them in a civilised manner.
Mature, senior couples dating ... I think should be able to talk about what it is that they WANT and discuss the consequences ... if possible before the deed is done but that doesn't always work out in reality!!!!!!!!!!

FURTHER ADDENDUM 26 January 2014 20h
MY THOUGHTS
Now that he has made his intentions clear why couldn't he have done this beforehand and allowed each of the three to have DIGNITY?   OK...all sorts of scenarios were possibly true, that in the last two years VT did not know, or did know, or was asked to leave or refused to leave, or any other unthought scenarios.  I know what it is to not have anywhere to go because one installed all one's eggs into one basket... called LOYALTY... and there is nothing shameful in THAT...
I am sure she will be OK... She has friends in high places... whatever sticks of belongings she has in the Elycee can be re-housed. I am sure her income will be more than the poorest citizen of France or mine and so will surface and may she hold her head up high... for at the very least I believe HE could have given DIGNITY and RESPECT because of the POWER he holds!!!!!!!
... number 3 should watch her back!!!!!!!!!

Logs for a Woodburner

arrived yesterday at 9h. Six steres. Whilst admiring how well the logs were stacked on the trailer to prevent tumbling and being nervous about the discharge, I didn't notice that they were 500mm in length until after the chap had left. When my friend arrived, I began to consider the strategy to work together in a confined space. I realised that the first one did not fit between the two towers I had prepped in the 'shed'.  I'd used the logs from last year which were 330mm. HELP!!!! The very large thick logs don't burn that well in my particular woodburner. The 50cm logs would fit into the large woodburner but not the small one. How would I manage later in the year? I would have to find someone to chainsaw them and anyway they were far too heavy for me to carry.  After controlling the rising panic, I drove to the man's house. ! He remembered but had forgotten that I'd asked for the metre lengths to be cut into thirds. After many merdes he admitted it was his fault. I admire that because I have observed that some French people do not like to apologise! He was so good.

He came with his tronçonneuse and cut nearly all the lengths into two. That took another two hours. My friend began to clear logs from the road. She placed them on the 'horse', the man sawed cut them in half or one third and two thirds and I threw the smaller logs further into the courtyard. The pile grew ever larger.  At the same time I started stacking in the 'shed' room but it was a slow process with little bits and many triangular pieces!!!! After a while, I thought smaller logs were to my advantage. We'd also contacted my friend's son and although he'd brought his chainsaw, by then it wasn't necessary.  He started stacking elsehwhere and eventually finished all the stacking, whilst she and I carried the logs to him into the wood store.  We saved all the sawdust.. because if I don't use it my Raku pottery teacher will.

Although I am paying a high price for the logs it is not as high as it could be. I am not complaining.  I know how many hours it takes to go the woods and log the trees, move to keep them for three years, then cut and move again, then deliver where they have be carried and stacked again.  And the work is not without its danger. Falling trees or logs can cause injury.

What annoys me is when someone asks to be paid for travelling to work. It's because I've offered that in the past when I've been grateful for emergency help in difficult circumstances; therefore had set a precedent. Well, I missed that squeeze on this occasion!  I've been too generous when I was more flush!  If the cost of labour can't be reduced then I'll have to seriously consider whether or not to employ him.  I suppose there shouldn't be financial consideration as to whether a person is old and frail or fit and young, a pensioner or an employee, a friend or stranger, but my pensionable income only goes so far.  I know that one's hourly rate is one's hourly rate but I have had to adapt my teaching fees per hour in the past. Maybe this person deosn't need employment. His rate was way higher than the minimal hourly wage!
Also I suppose having lived with a male friend for so many years when we were mutually supportive it comes as a shock to be without assistance and as a single female I now have to pay for practical support.
Maybe it is true what a friend once said and that I do live in Cloud Cuckoo Land.

I was indeed truly grateful for both men helping us two women and also saving my dilemma.  I am hoping to swap 8 hours labour with my friend if she will let me!

I don't know what the cost of heating or the price of logs is in UK. My room temperatures never rise above 20C. That would be heaven. Generally it's between 12C and 18C.  However, I prefer to feel the heat and see the flames in a fire. I'm happy to suffer a little and put on layers of clothing: if necessary wear a coat and hat indoors.  I remember my aunt and grandmother doing that! 

Twelve years ago

... today, I became the owner of half a former English inn ... it was 400 years old, behind which, were old Tannery buildings, some had been demolished but others were renovated as storage, garage or workshop. I employed my best friend to renovate which he did exquisitely!  That house was my pride and joy apart from the fact traffic vibrated the living accommodation on the second floor in the loft space!  The pavement in front of the house was not really wide enough for a wheelchair or pushchair. One could almost reach out and touch the buses! I have some regret leaving that beautiful home which was haunted and I only discovered that in the last week.  The stained glass window on the front door was my design, representing the town and common, painted beautifully by my friend's daughter. One of our cats, Little Feat, used to greet Neal Powell, an author, almost every time he walked through the back yard. He adored her when she rolled over his brown polished leather shoes.

I must find photos of interior and exterior. It is one of my jobs to trawl through a lifetime of photos, paper, framed and unframed, and those on CD and on iphoto........ help!

My house was by the river, not far from Elizabeth Jane Howard's island. I always thought she was a most beautiful woman but when I lived near her I was too busy to read her novels. I enjoyed the recent BBC radio 4 serialisation of The Cazalets, always thinking that I could hear “her” speaking, then to my surprise I discovered that much was based on her own experiences.  I could sympathise and empathise with her somewhat Bohemian lifestyle, failed marriages, affairs of the heart, passion, mooning over men, mistreatment yet she'd had a good life …such ambivalence is there in love and passion. I know bohemian but not all her traumas, thank goodness!

I had the enormous privilege of meeting her in her kitchen. I remember being served tea and cake,  being in awe of her very simple lifestyle which reminded me of my grandmother, being allowed to wander onto her very own island. What joy to be on that piece of land that I had coveted and marveled at just a few years before, when, not knowing the future, I had stood on The Common and decided that I wished to live "over there". Unwittingly, unknowingly, I completed my dream in 2002.  It was several years later that the memory of the incident returned. 

What a wonderful thing for her to have lived where she lived and to have written from her heart.

What a wonderful thing for me that I met her... just the once and I can write from my heart.  She was a great authoress.  In Memoriam.

Passion Ate Self Pity

in the absence
of further renovation projects beyond a dream,
and
in the absence
of exciting adventures beyond a horizon,
i drift into adventures of the mind,
to consider in the looking glass
what passion stirs behind,
within the brain.
i listen to what the walrus had to say
when he suggested
"the time has come to talk of many things".

Without procrastination
he tackled the task in hand
to demonstrate
passion-ate!
copyright RestlessinFrance

I like to play with words and talk of many things!

One of my passions is attempting to play Chopin Nocturnes.  I can reasonably play four and others are being learned. That is the task in hand for 2014. Recently, I've taken to listening to and playing along with the Great Masters on You Tube. OK I can't keep up the speed of the central section of opus 15 number 1 - the right hand fingers need greater flexibility!  A friend gave me an old CD player which skips a beat...I skipped a beat when he offered it to me...but jacked into my laptop it can sure belt out the volume, which means I can hear the music at the same time as playing my piano!

Another passion is cooking but cooking for one has become uninspired.  I've gathered all my cookbooks together and am aghast at how many I have in various states of 'used' or 'unused'.  I ought to start reading them to gain inspiration. Once upon a time ago I made all my Indian savouries and desserts from single ingredients. We didn't have Pataks in those days! Maybe I would like to start making pasta. Several birthdays have gone by without receiving a pasta machine and they're not expensive so just maybe.. perhaps..I could have a reward a little later on! Indonesian food appeals too. I love Wagamama's. Maybe a focus on terrines or tarts... mmmmm.....

Another passion is writing... I do a lot of that.  It has been emotional outpouring but now self-pity has been washed away...almost drowned in fact ... it'd better not re-surface or it'll need another shove under! And yet...emotional outpouring has created quite a few story scripts and poetry efforts...and a friend who read them made complimentary remarks. Oh arrogance, get thee gone!
I KNOW I want to collate all the scribings I have in various places into some kind of literary presentation .. for me .. not for anyone else in particular...except maybe....

It isn't a Passion but I am currently choosing to solve various issues / matters that have flawed and floored me, that require literary effort, mathematical skills and social negotiating skills, not that I have many, and those that I did have are rather rusty!  At last the brain is beginning to work again and even shows signs of motivation and discipline. It's jolly hard work to keep on task and every now and then I nag myself to get back to it. Sometimes I've lost what I am looking for or I go to a room and can't remember why I am there.. so I stand calmly, track back and quickly remember! Self-discipline is hard to find.

The admin for the velo accident is ongoing. I must solve the annuity problem and how to access hard cash to do what I want to do. I need a job!!!!!! I have a job in the wings ...  it's called  "clear stuff in attic" "get a grip on mysteries of ebay/paypal"... generate funds for travel, which I yearn for like I yearn for Passion.  If I can't do it this year then the plan is to start to organise thoughts and resources for the following year.  SMALL STEPS! I consider this to be positive and not procrastination!
I am reading books. No, not the electronic ones! Often I can be quite a slow reader in that I don't always want to read, but when I find a good book I get a bit obsessed and then will read long hours into the night.

I've decided to make postings about books.

Despite such nuisances as medical matters, the feet work very well!!!! BUT now ohhhhhhhh and ahhhhhhh - my arms have become very painful!!!!  Woops... is that self pity?

AND to end, because I have just found it ....about two years ago a very dear friend, a wonderful teacher and mentor, wrote such very wise words: 

"you probably need a new focus, something to really engage with & apply yourself to, to allow your natural self to re-emerge & flourish. It’s about self-expression. You have your musical talent…use it. You are a thinker and a communicator...do it. You can move mountains...do it. But not just for yourself, and not house renovation! Unpaid coaching, mentoring, volunteering, advocacy, committees, group activities…family."

 

 

French Pronunciation

It's fun learning a language when receiving medical treatment! In the last year I've had practice!
Last week at the kinaestherapist I attempted to explain what I had learned from the internet about my arm injury / problem.  When she said that a lot of people have the same problem it seemed she wanted me to accept it as part of my age! 
Non, no, non!   I need my arm to carry logs...and here begins the lesson because she didn't understand my pronunciation of two homophones which are not pronounced exactly the same:
There is une bûche and une bouche!  The first is a log and the second a mouth!
When she realised what I was trying to say she was in hoots of laughter!
(In English I thought "Well, the French can't pronounce some of our sounds!")
She had me practising the oh as if to end with a wer sound then think of making an ee sound whilst pushing the lips forward and making the oo sound like at the bottom of the front teeth!
I had to do that whilst little electrodes created wonderful tinglles acros my shoulder blades!
Then there are other words that sound similar:
bu - pp boire (to drink)  
le but - goal
la boue  - mud
le bout - tip

01012014 Five chimes

Five chimes
Five chimes from a French cloche sound the hour.
Repeated a few moments later
to remind those within hearing distance,
in case one has not heard,
nor counted, that it is the TIME.
White clouds skitter about a blue sky skirting our world.
Pink and blue hues press grey woodsmoke to the village valley.
As I descend from walking the plateau above that vale
where houses hunker down around the church tower recently renovated,
where people snuggle down around the brass bell recently repaired,
now more sonorous to tell the hour and the half hour,
I smell the hazy, smoky woodiness of a garden bonfire in late autumn,
not many days before the winter solstice.
I see the curling woodsmoke spiralling towards the sky,
to be pressed down around the field in which it is.
A most beautiful village with smells so sweet and smoky
to mark a changing season towards the changing end of year.

With all my very best wishes for a wonderfully exciting 2014.
Love from  RestlessinFrance

Copyright. Please do not reproduce without permission 
Photo November 2013 from my rooftop: Poem December 2013

Phew! Nearly at the end....never to be repeated...

Well... what a blur was the year that was!   To sum up:
January - worked indoors on floor and walls, whilst wintry snow challenged warmth and progress on bedroom, other windows and doors until May when a close encounter with tarmac caused me to wake up and FACE the grim reaper who did not succeed! That was lucky! Summer arrived as I wrote copious letters for the insurance company. Badinter's Law came to the rescue but I'm still awaiting the final outcome. Maybe all will wake up again in 2014. Other interesting experiences occurred whilst helping 'a friend', then another friend shared unexpected joy and sunshine whilst camping and cycling on the Ile de Ré followed by a trek to UK for family celebrations and the longest distance walking I have ever done.  August arrived with mixed weather where sunny days allowed cycling, walking, gardening, painting and in September not only did I get to revisit Ile de Ré, this time by myself but also Cornwall was an unexpected gift for cycling and camping. Fantastic! October removed bunion number 2 and the hat of my house.  November was rather a shaky start as I learned to walk again and sighed relief when the roof was finished to my greatest pleasure.  I booked a flight to UK not thinking whether the foot would walk or drive.  It had to work. JUST IN TIME it passed the test!  December was a reunion with friends and family in various places, culminating in meeting someone from 40 years ago.  It was as if there had been no years intervening except we are somewhat more grey!  The year has had some lovely moments and recent mild weather is kind!   It ends.  I am optimistic for a better year.
I wish you all peace at the end of the year and peace to come. 

I will leave with the lyrics from Kashmir by Led Zeppelin:

Oh let the sun beat down upon my face, stars to fill my dream
I am a traveler of both time and space, to be where I have been
To sit with elders of the gentle race, this world has seldom seen
They talk of days for which they sit and wait and all will be revealed.
Talk and song from tongues of lilting grace,whose sounds caress my ear,But not a word I heard could I relate, the story was quite clear, Oh, oh, Oh, I been flying... mama, there aint no denyin'
Ive been flying, aint no denyin', no denyin'

All I see turns to brown, as the sun burns the ground
And my eyes fill with sand, as I scan this wasted land
Trying to find, trying to find where I've been.
Oh, pilot of the storm who leaves no trace, like thoughts inside a dream, Heed the path that led me to that place, yellow desert stream
My shangri-la beneath the summer moon, I will return again,
Sure as the dust that floats high in June, when movin' through Kashmir.
Oh, father of the four winds, fill my sails, across the sea of years
With no provision but an open face, along the straits of fear. Ohh.

When I'm on, when I'm on my way, yeah
When I see, when I see the way, you stay-yeahOoh, yeah-yeah, 
ooh, yeah-yeah, when I'm down...
Ooh, yeah-yeah, ooh, yeah-yeah, well I'm down, so down
Ooh, my baby, ooooh, my baby, let me take you there,Let me take you there,let me take you there.

LOVELY....one day I'll go there!!! to Kashmir!!!!! my 2014 dream! 

The day after Christmas Day

The 'meanings' of Christmas and the 'meanings' of Pagan winter elements are sometimes lost with the continuing rise of consumerism and capitalism.  I once worked in a Catholic environment when initially, I was an atheist I'm not sure they knew that as they were desperate to have a pianist!
I believed I'd been sent there for a reason.  It lasted for 23 years. I worked hard to maintain the Catholic ethos, in which I almost converted to the Faith!  Work and Life was wonderful to begin with (I was saved )and then life became increasingly full of unsatisfactory experiences.  I was found "wanting" under my own and of the school's enormous stress, needing to learn further lessons in life. I left in ill-health. The school took at least another 5 years to recuperate it's own illness.  For whatever reason, certainly without preaching, I quote the Eight Beatitudes. I simply wish to remind myself of the struggles of humanity.

1. Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
2. Blessed are the meek, for they shall possess the earth.
3. Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
4. Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for justice, for they shall be satisfied.
5. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.
6. Blessed are the clean of heart, for they shall see God.
7. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God
8. Blessed are they who suffer persecution for justice' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

I believe that whatever we sow, so shall we reap...therefore with knowledge, wisdom, insight, and with much more to learn...I am imperfect...May we all be blessed with finding a solution to our struggles...

Gaudate et Joyeux Noel 2013

Joyeux Noël with my favourite photo of the village chateau first published Christmas 2012

Restless in France wishes everyone

 a very festive twelve days of Christmastide

with Peace, Joy, Hope, Patience and Charity, good health and happiness.

May you spend happy, restful moments with family and or friends or even alone if that is the case.

Gaudate

ADDENDUM: at almost 10am Christmas Day, I count my blessings whilst feeling sad for all those in UK who have flooded homes and are without power. None of us are immune from natural disaster. I expect the price of heating and lighting will soar even more. Ah who was it who said HUMBUG?

Christmas Eve with Queen

 

 What could Santa bring this Christmas Eve...

for her Christmas stocking?  

Tangerine chocolate dreams, a mince pie, Armagnac, music, dancing and laughter.....
if I am sensible............... 

and if not, then that would be telling.......!
 Today there was indulgement ....
to queue for long minutes at Les Halles, an indoor food market at Chatellerault, because I love the fish stall, where the queue went around two corners whilst other fish stalls had few customers!!
and where there is one particular butcher that serves wonderful beef.
 I bought lots of yummy things which should last without shopping for at least a couple of weeks.
At the supermarket the car was filled with petrol.
I did rather baulk at the half crab I bought, thinking it was dressed...
then having to prepare it myself for Christmas Evening Supper.

 

Silver Angel

Silver Angel by the River Anglin 2008

Looking back to snowy weather!

January 2013 Angles sur L'Anglin

An electric log splitter

This is for 'puppyfur' who has made an enquiry with regard to an elecric logsplitter.
In France it is called un fendeur / une fendeuse!
I bought mine from Bricomarche and it has been worth the expense even though sometimes I curse it!
It needs two hands for safety: a thumb on the right hand presses the button and the left hand depresses the handle... both at the same time.
I forget how many tons of force it is supposed to create on the log. It is fierce and not completely safe if a log falls off and lands on one's toes so get ready to leap backwards or to one side and mind your fingers too!
Plug the machine into a power source with space around it,  especially for logs to leap forward as they split. If the wood is dry they seem to pop very quickly!  If the wood is knotty then the log won't split and gets jarred onto the wedge so then you need a large metal lever to bash it back off the wedge!  Experimenting with a log to find where it will split can be a bit of a challenge!  I use my machine on the ground... but some people put it on a table... either way you have to lift the logs!!!! The machine is heavy and unwieldy. I also fill the distance between the part that pushes the log and the actual log with a squared section of part of a log which if you are patient will get made!!!! Then the pusher doesn't have to travel so far!
My logs are one metre lengths which arrive at my house cut into thirds. I could do with a merlin or axe-like thingy which I used to use to split logs in my younger days but I don't have the muscle to lift my arms and it high above my head with legs astride and thwack it safely down to see that satisfying split of ancient wood!  Neither can I wield a chainsaw, nor would wish to!  I could do with a set of muscles to help me!

Feeling less tired and shouldering self responsibiltiy

Possibly it was the after effects of the anaesthesia, morphine and other drugs pumped into the body in early October. Medical invasion for an operation IS a physical assault on the body.  Maybe it was a case of 'too much, too soon' after the operation,  shock to the body and the mind, having to 'get up and do' for the roofers, and that TRAMADOL!!!! The nurse and my son advised me not to take it but strong paracetamol did not cut through the pain AND I needed to sleep, which at first Tramadol helped me to do, then vice versa.  I didn't notice any side effects on the mind whilst taking it, but then I wouldn't, would I, if you were to hear how my dearest son and his wedding guests described / describe me? After a week, once the course of tablets had finished, I recognised  that THAT was when I began to go physically further downhill.
When I went to the GP he must have become alarmed when I described the breathing difficulties and physical symptoms I was experiencing.  My pet elephant was too heavy! (See earlier posting before you consider I have totally lost the plot!)  Before I went to England there was a major (to me) health scare. The blood test indicated a possible pulmonary embolism!  It was a Saturday and the nurse couldn't get in touch with the GP who had said that if it was positive I would NOT be going to England!  After consulting the laboratory, plus the hospital, I was rushed at 4pm to les Urgences (A&E), in an ambulance that the English and French speaking nurse, who I have come to like, ordered.  I know she was following advice from three medical authorities higher than her but I did think it was a tad OTT... plus the scare given to my adult children was unnecessary.  I thought someone ought to know, in case of potential exit from this soil!
The blood test had indicated 550 for something and was over the allowed 500 but in hospital the same test showed 250 or 350 ... I can't remember exactly!
Whilst on the trolley bed I decided to rest and sleep because it would be the best medication I could give to myself.  It was no use worrying!  Que sera sera!  I was calm and prayed. 
At 11pm, I was extremely grateful to be alive and allowed to go home without any signs of a pulmonary embolism.
What made me confused and in a vulnerable position was that the nurse had befriended me and said she would collect me once the diagnosis and treatment had been made but then her phones were disconnected.  Unavailable. There I was, an hour's drive from home, almost midnight, with fortunately my coat, scarf and hat, no money or means of payment for anything, no valuables, no food and water, but with address book and uk mobile. No one that I knew within an hour's driving distance was in a position to collect me (they'd been drinking or children were in bed or didn't have a vehicle or were old and infirm) and therefore there was a 100 euro taxi fare to face. Small price for a 'getmehomequick' ticket!!
Did I need this drama? What does it tell me? What can I learn?
Answer 1: being in France far from family and friends is not the place to be as one gets older and needs support. Fine if one can face it all without a soul present, which presumably is what many a person does as we age. Friends and family die before us or we live far far away.  This scenario happens in England too. Ageing!
Answer 2: never, if one can, go anywhere without adequate "buymeout" funds.

I am learning to grin and bear life so to speak!  
Put on a brave face and laugh at the absurdity of life! 

Just the shoulder now ....
I know that this problem started in June with the wrist needing support and then the upper arm (biceps) started to hurt. I certainly remember in July on a very memorable occasion thinking "o-oh -  be  careful with that!"

• I think it comes from pulling the starter motor cord on the lawnmower.
• I think it comes from years of playing the accordion. That particular shoulder pushes up against the body of the large instrument as I play and whilst the other drops slightly as I stand in almost correct Alexander position - shoulders back!  Its why I love to wear stilettos when I play!
• I think it comes from years of carrying a satchel, hand-bag, computer bag, shopping bags and educational career work bags.
• I think it comes from being weighed down with LIFE, with what has happened here in France and perhaps before that when a good friend would say to me "you're slouching, pull your shoulders back!"
• I think it comes from years of not having mirrors to look into and smile at oneself and say "Hey, stand up straight, be proud of your achievements. Don't beat oneself up!"
• I think it comes from using the Gallic shrug... evidently when I am emotionally affected in a 'couldn't care less' attitude that particular shoulder twitches forwards in a defiant manner! Sometimes people have thought it a funny mannerism! HEY HO!
• Fibromyalgia  (Myalgic Encephamolitis)

I have been BIG this year on Metaphors for the body and lifestyle:
So with this last one:
* Shoulder on.... soldier on.
* I have had an armful...
* Stop carrying the weight of unnecessary baggage...be it, all that stuff in the attic needing to be sorted, all that writing and photos to be produced into a book or books,  all that responsibility for others that now I can let go, all this house and what needs for me to be finished and and and......
* Stop being 'armful to myself and others indirectly.
* Carry that weight with dignity and not sorrow.
* Evidently, repressed anger is stored within shoulder ones and muscles. (I go with that!)
* My arm is stopping me from embracing and accepting what is the truth.... ( I go with that although In Reality in France and Restless in France  have in the last year been facing Truth and accepting it little by little.  THIS IS THIS. THIS IS HOW IT IS.

I need to accept it but I can choose to change the future and how I react to negative people who sometimes affect me badly and deeply... keep away from negative people... and I feel I am one myself and I don't like that... I really want to change the story.
I can choose my own boundaries.
I can choose to reach out my arm using my shoulder blade to a new horizon where positive people, places and events cause me to be content and comfortable. 
I can use my arm to hug myself, be kind to myself as well as to hug others and be kind to them.. if they want!!

Diary entry for 18th December

It's now Friday 20th December evening and I am listening to Handel's Messiah.

Thanks to Google I can do a back posting just to confuse any of you who are reading these scripts! 

Wednesday December 18^th 2013 - 12 noon

It’s a new day and am I reeling or not?

Returning from three weeks in English highly centrally-heated internal living environments to an 8 degree room environment yesterday evening, I was grateful for the rising temperatures of 10 degrees and a tatch by the following midday 

Yes, I have enjoyed coming back to my house. 

With silence about me unless I turn on the radio, the thoughts stream in about the last three weeks, the people I have met, the experiences I have had, the opportunities missed, the unexpected and the expected events and emotions.

A walk to the boulangerie ensures that I speak to someone. My housebound neighbour’s daughter exclaims that I have been away a long time.  The high-pitched elderly man who lives in my street further towards the village gathers info that I've been to England to be with family. Villagers love a little gossip and intrigue about a single, elderly, (I'm only 60 something!) English female and what is she doing in this village far from her family and friends…. And well may they speculate for it is the never-ending question that I ask myself again when I climb the slope in my French street, marvelling at what goes on and why on earth I have spent so much on a roof ( hear the expletives!!!) and a house ( it's all mine and house rentals throughout my life would have amounted to the same!!!) when I can’t spend that on a vehicle or grand piano or travelling!

Oh oh oh!!!!

Where am I? Part Two

Safely in France, having escaped to England for three weeks!

I walked today and appreciated the quiet landscape.
The patron of "Les Belles Toitures" arrived unexpectedly and not knowing I had returned was showing off my roof to his supplier. He has now been fully paid!  
I highly recommend this company.
I love my roof.  Although I have empty pockets, the pleasure my new roof gives is enormous when I look up to the little bird and when the little bird looks down on me!

My visit to England was eventful in very many ways which I can and cannot report here in public.
Fortunately, the computer issues were corrected after at least 8 hours in the Apple Store over 5 appointments with no charge. Now it seems to run differently. Gmail and everything seems altered!

Flights and National Express were challenging with 10kg of techy baggage!  At the airport, I didn't realise the differences between parking charges of French airports in this region as I had not fully done research, but luckily managed to get the fee halved by initiative!  Hiring a car in England was difficult as one arrives and the questions and costs mount. Nothing is transparent in the world of commerce.  I passed the tests and was given the responsibility to drive about 400 miles in the car... a Fiat, but it wasn't small!

I met a very dear friend from over 30 years ago!  Sadly, I couldn't see several people that I planned to see and wanted / needed to see. I did see others unexpectedly and that was great fun. Though when my cousin's daughter arrived at my cousin's house as she had been evacuated with the FLOOD ALERT, that was not amusing.  It seems her little abode was safe. The sea was a hungry brown dog between tidal surges and has torn savagely at the east coast.

I did see my son but his timetable spun mine topsy-turvy so that I saw more of my daughter and grand daughter which pleased me.  Daughter and her friends who are parents of the school are having incomprehensible problems at my grand-daughters primary school, but no, I can't mention the name of the school, YET.... but dearly would like to!!! I yearn to report how they treat parents !!!!

I stayed on my son's boat but strong winds turned the turbine almost non stop in order to generate electricity for the boat. Sound magnified down the funnel shouting at my ears and mind perhaps like the tramontaine.  The steel tug acted as a sound box.  Now, I really don't need to be driven more crazy!  It didn't stop raining on the south coast for several days whilst I was there whereas when I was in East Anglia there was no rain at all! Cooped up and living without side windows is not for me!!!! and I don't really understand why it is for him, except that madness clearly runs in the family blood!

I went dressed for winter but it was mild in the home country!
N.B. 10 mm of rain fell in my absence then 18mm on my second night back at home.

Where am I? Part One

Exploring a different kind of rest and restoration.
I'm feeling stress free at last!!! Most probably there will be a run of new posts soon.
My computer has been repaired. It was a Multiple Volumes issue therefore not needing a new internal hard drive. PHEW!!!  The lovely Apple Store were excellent service and after many many hours corrected the iPhoto libraries issues so now all my photos (60,000 +) are in one place, ready for the mammoth cull and reorganisation.....because and I don't know how it has happened but there are often several copies of one photo!!! Now I can find photos going back to 2008 and before!
As if I haven't enough to do!!!! Serves me right for being so clicky happy!!!
I will return to posting soon.
PS. Now that I have started using the laptop again as opposed to the mini ipad the machine seems very slow and that rainbow wheel keeps spinning.
Must delete delete but when!!!???