Diary entry

I'm not working hard enough. I am not getting up early enough.  Despite the alarm at 7h 30 I wake up up about nine!!

Sunday: I rested a lot as my wrist is painful.  Made myself do a half hour walk and a 1 1/2 hour walk.
In the evening I sat in the courtyard until about 8pm with a gin and tonic trying to THINK and PLAN.  Time is slipping by. Fortunately, I am a bit less worried about family.   It seems to have immobilised me but I am starting to take the "dynamisme" supplements again!

Monday: I managed to do domestic cleaning! Vaccing. Wet wiping floors, skirting boards, furniture, vowing to vac the ceilings another day. As I toiled I moved furniture around and bits and bobs, returning things to their homes!  That took me five hours with a coffee and lunch break, after which my friend and her three children aged almost 6 and 41/2 made small heads with clay.  She was inspired by the 'heads in the wall' and 'little people' from the walk at which I performed.  I really ought to return to pottery sessions.  So relaxing and therapeutic.  There is more clay left and so in two weeks time we'll have another session with the little ones. My friend and I like doing art with the kiddies.  There was quite a bit to clear up... very chocolatey clay! The children had excellent concentration skills and were good to keep to the washing facilities I engineered with buckets of water graded so as to keep the dirtiest dirty and the cleanest for the final wash!
It has been cold in the mornings and warmer in the afternoon.. so woodburner on to combat the chill!

Tuesday, an even later start because I while away time on the computer. This is a very bad habit when I know I should go for a walk.
Quel horreur I discovered the freezer wasn't ON... It must have flipped connection when I pushed it back towards the wall in the living room.
So I was forced to chop a lot of onions and garlic, put the 1.650kg of beef mixed with red beans into the slow cooker and the 1kg of shoulder of mutton sliced with the bones through it into a pan slow cooking on the camping gas hob.   No apricots or prunes in the cupboard to make a tagine!!!   I hope the fish, the chicken liver pate and not much else will be OK, as I am re freezing it!
After clearing the cooking mess, I decided that I must weed the gravelled area in the back garden. then I tackled the pruning of the 'angel's trumpets and cleared the huge dead branches from the lilac bush. I am trying to clear the dead wood and cut the vast wands to lower so that new shoots will push through. Might not get any lilac flowers next year.   I like CONTROL in the garden. So much vegetation now needs to be taken to the dechetterie. The trailer is full. I think the rest could make a bonfire!

 Wednesday.... I ran out of steam to write further....

Quite honestly

I've been exhausted from my involvement with stripping out a kitchen aged 30 years.  Since the start of June a friend recycled, repaired, repainted most of the kitchen units for the Laundry room. I emptied the rooms and had to reorganise the contents so that I could have workable kitchen space in the living room.
The kitchen room has had two new plasterboarded walls and many layers of paint on all surfaces exceot the floor! Soon I shall provide comparative photos.  I am extremely happy with both rooms.

The best fun time was a short break in July, camping and cycling whilst he looked for a liveaboard boat to buy.  
The next best time was seeing cupboards and a dishwasher installed in the Laundry Room.  Better than washing in cold water in the outhouse sink whilst waiting for the electric kettle to heat water and walking back and forth with dirty, wet, clean and dry crockery, cutlery, pots and pans in buckets!
There were jolly moments in long hours of hard work. One has to laugh at Life!
Best times were appreciating someone who starts work at 8, who is motivated to not flinch until the task was achieved to the satisfaction of a high, high standard despite his own exhaustion levels. 
Bad times were me feeling exhausted, depressed, deprived of solitary time, all the while telling myself that I would only feel more lonely and sad when the helper had left.  One can feel lonely even in the company of others.
Worst times were spent with bizarre emotional buttons being triggered, pushed and pulled and me wondering why, how it happened and what had I done right or wrong!! Three months passed quickly by!
Having returned from two weeks on the English highways visiting three cousins and a friend plus going on a two day art course I am shattered.  I KNOW that.  I know I am re-adjusting to living alone!
I spent a week in between sleeping, crying, aching, yearning, cleaning, re-organising and packing.  Packing too much again!  I must pack that in! I must just take a backpack! There was art stuff which I didn't need to have taken, and wine as gifts to appreciate 'herbergement', and winter clothing and shoes and coats, but mostly I stayed in summer clothes layered with a winter jumper and a favourite shawl.  I slept so well everywhere without waking in the middle of the nights. Everyone was so lovely. People generally are!
In all I drove 1100 miles and 400 I think it was to Bordeaux and back the week before!
However, I must get a car with GPS or a phone with GPS as I spent an hour and a half driving up and down and around and around the outskirts of Dieppe before I found a public place in darkest rural France where I could ask HUMAN BEINGS the direction. Eventually at midnight Hotel Kyriade was discovered behind the road I'd been up and down at least six times the night before.  It was so, so, so comfy that I slept for nine hours.
Back home, after another pair of driving glasses had been lost en route, I had a fabulous meal with friends at the closing of the lovely Auberge with traditional seasonal menus! Ending of an era!
I'd left the spectacles on a meal tray .. yes it was my fault .. and when I returned the tray was there with plates etc but NOT the glasses... so some ******* had stolen them... not even given them to the PAUL restaurant or the cash desk at The Aire of 'Les dentelles d'Alençon'.   I made a big song and dance about the fact that someone had taken them ... There were plenty of Brits and French in the seated area! The spectacles were GUCCI and 20 or 30 years old!!!  Ggggrrrrrr!
The following day as well as all the unpacking I managed two or three hours mowing.  The next day three hours of courtyard weeding / re-organising garden pots etc, plus two to three hours more of mowing in order to have it done before the rains came! So it is no wonder I am tired. THIS IS SOUNDING LIKE A DIARY ENTRY!  Quite honestly, I don't mind revealing daily dramas but the summer of 2015 passed me by and now 'tis Autumn with just a few more dramas to be solved before the end of the year!  Quite honestly it was good to be away from the computer! 

Le Grand Salon

Just before anyone, that is me, myself and I, scatter the stuff of living life in the Grand Salle de Sejour I remembered to take pics of what is in effect a cleared space, though one may not think so!
I seem to have a lot of tables which will not all stay here!
Bedroom furniture is here because I need another bedroom in the grenier!  Dream on!  Je rêve.
The settee could be refurbished. Madame Chat (her deceased sister committed most of the crimes) scratched two ends over the years, so what is the point! The settee has its own stories to tell!
The whole room, ceiling, beams and floor were thoroughly cleaned of cobwebs.
I cleared all the logs only to have to bring them in again when weather turned chilly.
The music stands on the stand to remind me to practise.
Shutters are closed for the night!
In a few days time it will be filled with kitchen paraphernalia, store cupboard food and a different kind of chaos!

Calm before Change

Since the CCC I have been cleaning and gardening.
WELL ... I never realised that such a small amount of dusty debris could necessitate a deep clean as IF guests were going to be in the Chambre d'Hôte. I have to vacate my room if I let it!   I last did EVERY surface of these two rooms in early March!  Down came the mosquito net and that was soaked in the bath. It does look better now!  It was a bit of a balancing act to have the step ladder balanced on the bed whilst I proceeded up two steps to reach the loop onto the cup hook in the beam! 
All high beams and ceilings in between were vacced....56m2 of ceiling including the stairwell.  I had to actively climb on chairs, stretch to reach the beams and ceiling with the vac brush. I couldn't just sweep the cobwebs down because that would mean the almost transparent spiders would rush alongst the floor before I caught them, and heavens knows where they would go if not caught.   Like the insects in 'James and the Giant Peach' anything could happen. Not worth the risk. Every inch of wall, ceiling and floor is as clean as I can get it! It makes me feel so much better!
All bedlinen has been cleaned and ironed plus duvets aired in the sunshine. They were all dry cleaned last September.
The one bedroom wall attached to my neighbours (it is the end of the original barn) had an almost indiscernible bloom of grey when I was up close with my cleaning cloths and with light streaming into the room. I hadn't ever had that problem... but I think this winter I was less willing to periodically open the door to outside. There are no windows.. only doors!!!!! Weird! Very French!  I always felt that this wall was the coldest and wish we had put another layer of plasterboard on it! 
Friday I ached but had to spend three hours mowing the lawns ... that's a lot of walking and emptying the grass collection box! Plus two hours speaking to my daughter on the phone (catch up) and an hour on the phone to my mother.
The weekend - another slow start but the last of the cleaning has been done...and how annoying, I am convinced that mouse is still in the laundry room where I store dry foods... so it is poison time. The door is securely locked against Big Feet my cat!  A friend popped round to gove me some beautiful scented roses so that was time to sit and enjoy the minor spots of rain in the garden. I have tried to get my blog postings prepared in advance. I have tried to clear surfaces, rearrange furniture and generally look as if I am a neat and tidy person!
A bit more attic re-organisation and admin stuff was achieved. I am feeling much better and ready for who knows what!
I have been on Countdown!!! Someone is arriving to begin the renovation of my kitchen!!!!!!!!  There is a lot of prep - one door and one window frame ( the only proper window in the house) have to be taken out and glass replaced with double glazed units, a temporary kitchen area is to be created, sink and cupboards must be installed into the laundry / larder room ... and the rest!
There had better not be ANY dust getting into my freshly spring-cleaned rooms!
BUT I shall be grateful when it is completed and it will be good to work as a skivvy again!

"It's not all play"

The Reality of French Home Ownership:

The water boiler has been intermittently making worryingly loud noises and occasionally has settled down in peacefulness for a while. I phoned the electrician in October, and sometime between January and March and then again in April, then he came in May and went away to find out from the manufacturer what is wrong with it and how to repair it!  He installed it! I am still waiting, phoning and waiting!!
Just before Easter I noticed copious amount of warm water trickling into the waste pipe.  So I turned off the electric boiler.  When my family came we didn't have hot water every day until I risked turning it on. Same problems.  I can do without a bath or shower for only so long, then my brain seems to need a watery experience!!! A sink wash isn't the same thing at my age! So, I turn the elec on and sod the noise and whatever it costs!!! I need a bath!

In addition the toilet seat I thought I'd fixed shouted 'bah humbug' at me an 'it aint so easy,'  as the complicated hinge fell apart! Not sure what to do!!!! Am waiting for a man who I know can!
In addition the three bathroom spot lights suddenly went out! Fortunately a wall light by a different switch opposite works nicely!
Next is my form of humour:
The weather had been dry for a while.  One early May morning I was concerned about the lack of water for my newly planted peas and beans, potatoes and leeks and self seeded poppy plants I had moved.  I spent about half an hour which wasn't too bad I suppose trying to get rainwater through the pump from the cistern into the hosepipe for watering the garden.  I understand the principles about priming but I couldn't remember or see how I'd taken it apart on a previous occasion and filled it with tap water.  The outcome was: I undid a plastic screw plug and got a lovely warm shower!! I laughed! Quickly I pushed it back onto the strong fountain! Then switched electricity and the on / off button,  on off on off... took the hosepipe apart in two places and was amazed that there was water in it, tried again and yippppppeeeee ........I am not sure what I did but wasn't I lucky that it worked so quickly.  the potager got watered and within two hours it rained mightily! I laughed again! Water pumps are notorious for needing to be primed after being unused for a while!

May Observation

May is the Most Marvellous of Months in The Garden
May is the Most Marvellous of Months to have a Writing Moment
A warm May evening is delectable.

When the cuckoo vocalises its name from minor to major third, 
sometimes to a fourth 

or an interval in-between

that is why it’s sometimes hard for me to echo.

When the nightingale plays an operatic role 

it doesn’t need a chorus.  

He is singing now, waiting for a friend to cease his solitude.

My cat likes to be stroked in hot evening sunshine 

as she lies on the table. 

I forgive her as she stretches out in pure pleasure.
Naughty cat!

She frowns when she hears the neighbour say ‘Stop’ 

to presumably the dog 

as there was no reply.   

Big Feet’s fur is so incredibly hot as it absorbs the sun. 

Her head is cool 

but as I run my hand along her back 

it becomes hotter midway along her spine 

hottest three-quarters of the way, almost too hot to touch, 

then her tail is quite cool.  
How a cat responds to sunshine is quite phenomenal. 

How can she cope with such heat as she lies on the oiled skin / plastic tablecloth?

She loves it when I stroke and scrunch a right ear with my left hand.

This time she stretches closer to my pen, 
reaching out to touch lightly with both paws 

as an acknowledgement 

that I am writing about her.
A narcissistic cat!

Now she has turned so that her cooler tummy faces the sun.   

She has always been called a French tart, a French tottie.

She is very much at home in my garden.   

I stroke under her chin and along the jawline.  

She caught a field mouse this morning.

My loud voice told her to go ‘OUT’ of the house.  

It’s really warm 

so I remove layers of my own clothing 

and expose my skin towards the golden ball 

to enjoy the heat of sun for the first time in the year.   

It’s after six p.m.

It's the second week of May.

After midnight

Yesterday had been another glorious HOT day of the kind I like with a gentle warm breeze becoming strong with a chill as the sun descends. It has been cycling weather.  That has yet to be accomplished. I have been gardening of necessity. Skip the story with the neighbour about the debate concerning 'un village fleuri,'  'un plus beaux village' 'sans Office de Tourisme',  and a possible bye law preventing me from doing what I have done for the last five years. He said he would find out more.
The barbecue at a friend's house was fun with seven children under seven and how lovely that the youngest who knows me well came several times to sit on my lap and chat... maybe it had to do with him arriving at the front of his house  as I arrived and me catching him unawares, asking him if he was up to mischief. Was he a scallywag. Yes, he said! Ergo, he will now be called 'earwig'...  My son was always affectionately known as Earwig because he too was an intelligent child always up to mischief as children should be!!
Earlier in the week I took the weeds in black 'poubelles' to the 'dechetterie' and filled one with their compost ...but it's a dry compost.  This morning I made myself go to purchase more of the right kind of soil to pot up camelia, magnolia and other plants for the courtyard. I got a huge bag of straw for the potatoes but I would rather have a bale of straw - no known farmers, except the Maire!  I very naughtily bought 6 right royal strawb plants named Charlotte, lettuce and kale plants and must find a space in the garden for them!!!  Must finish the task today and mow that lawn!
So much to do ...Today is a grey day for "The  Feast of the Ascension"...

this Salon has to be cleared by the end of the day!!   Ciao!

Incognito

since the end of March.

Better to be Busy

and LIVING....
hence I have some good photos and nice tales from the past week and probably more to come. LIVING has to happen. POSTING has to wait ...
IT, the need to write and communicate with whoever wants to read such trivia, takes Time. IT is a real divergence from doing all that needs to be done...
So...  notwithstanding that comment here I am burbling, trying to keep calm, having a small meditational moment which is a small oasis before the flurries of movement which have to happen.
I love having people around me which helps me to appreciate being alone but given the choice I like the two in balance and with scheduled events so that I have to meet deadlines. I work better that way!
RIGHT!!!!  Back to doing... or else it will be even greater uncontrolled chaos in my life!

In My LIving Space

I try to have only things that I use and wish to keep.
I try to keep rooms minimalist and clutter free... but I like to have things to look at.
Once I lived in a tiny modern terrace house.
I moved there from the temporary council accommodation where I had to repaint the orange walls, the purple walls, the blue walls WHITE.  But it was the wrong WHITE. Too harsh. Cheap paint. I wasn;t there long enough to make t a home and I had no intention of making it a home. It was a temporary residence. I yearned to be out of that embarassment asap! Six months and then I owned my very own house not shared with anyone!  I was proud.
However, I was too poor at first, too busy working and caring for two kiddywinks to think about putting pictures on the wall. Although I had made my own curtains with Laura Ashley curtains - never considering at the time that flamingo red was a bit bright to such a sedate sedentary culdesac!!!!!!!!!!  I caused gossip in more ways than one! I did not fit in!

Yesterday and Today

Yesterday was full of rain and cold and drear! I lacked confidence, was full of doubt,  felt responsible for the weather, found myself apologising,  hearing myself say, 'but it's not my fault'.  I was embarrassed by the number of overwhelming tasks / jobs I need help with.  Down, down, down.
(I don't think I was nearly as mature and understanding of the elderly as they are at their age!!!!!!!!)

M. was fine as we settled to sort photos ... and negatives .. remember those? !  A jolt down memory lane to my former English home, which my last partner helped me to renovate, and..., oh my..., look at what we created, and look at what we took apart... and left... I was and am so saddened.

However, if I was still there I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have met the wonderful people I have met nor would I have had, and am having, the amazingly challenging tear-jerking or laughter-making experiences.
What has LIFE been all about when so much of MY LIFE has gone and so little is left? 
Make the most of it while I can and if I am down, down, down,  I have the choice and opportunity to change it for up, up, up.

So,  she and I sorted the photos into a set for HER and a set for HIM, because when I left HIS house, four to five years ago, to come to HER house,  I took the photos of MT house in UK, intending to divide them up!  ... and now, after ten years, I have!!!  What HE does with HIS set is not my business but he will be given them!  More importantly, quite a few of those hard-copy photos reached the rubbish bin!  My set is now in two albums. M. did an excellent job of sorting muddled photos and negatives of that 2/3rds of a Tudor former inn.

After much weeping and wailing which didn't actually last too long, she and I seemed to bond as women, and we managed to laugh through the task.  One fun thing to do was to complete an album from about 1995 (??) when my son and I went to Spain. That was after my father died!   We had backpacks but hired a car to drive from Barcelona to Orihuela and return. It was a great DRIVE... I could have gone allthe way around the edge!  Lovely again to to see my son so young in photos and to remember Elche and Rioja!

I think my down mood on such a grim wet dark day was SAVED by the greeting cards I found welcoming my daughter into the world.  Funny that her 'birth' day was the day before I re-discovered them!!!!!  Such a pleasure to see 1978 style 'BABY GIRL" cards and messages inside from some people I am not in touch with anymore!

I think F. felt frustrated by yesterday's weather, as did we all!  It was so bleak.  First of all he took my new Ikea trolley out of its box and put it together.  He called it the  'vegetable shelves'.  I liked that!   Then he was impressed by the new indoor or exterior lights I bought ages ago which needed to be connected, but I couldn't work out how to make them light up... I am impractical!  Negative destructive thoughts of  'how could I be so dumb' is what I thought!!!!  Evidently, I can buy more and make a longer string!  Ooh... I may just do that. Sod the cost!

Then he volunteered to work outdoors in the rain, to investigate what needs to be done to repair wooden gates at the barn down the lane, and to establish for himself what tools and resources I own and what are owned by my former partner.  All left in my possession.  I have full permission to use what I will!  Eventually, he repaired one screw in the main garden gate... such a little task, but it secures the keep on the latch and is extremely important.  I was so grateful.  He was so wet!!!!! Then, bless him, he wanted to de-nail the timbers in the newly re-roofed attic and was gone for a couple of hours. I must go up and see what he has done!

Throughout the day I battled with being in a gloop of depression, which was really a kind of sadness and eventually an Ibuprofen sorted it as well as some lively music.  It is lovely to have people to feed but takes my time! It is inspirational to have people stay who appreciate food.  The evening meal was delicious - two slices of lambs liver cut into small pieces in a creamy tarragon sauce with cauliflower leaves and florets, julienne carrots and Ciabbata rolls that M. made!  OK, it was a prepared flour mix but she has always let her sister do the cooking.  I made a Pear Meringue Tart and a Hazelnut Torte because egg whites needed to be used.  We were stuffed!  I am eating more than I normally would!

They wished me to play the piano so had to endure two Chopin Nocturnes plus two pieces from the film 'The Piano' composed by Michael Nyman.  The deal was that they would sing and play Friday evening but then we had a musical soirée.  She has a beautiful voice and he plays guitar well... a couple of 'The Doors' pieces. This was followed by a discussion about something I did not understand, so I showed him a video of the Stroh instruments played by a French theatrical, musical group who I know... then he showed me videos of guitar playing by Bob Brozman.

Today I got up at nine but they didn't get up until ten and started work at 10h30!!!!!! But by then the sun was shining and although they looked reluctant without adequate clothing, for the wind was keen and bitter,  they were bossed about by me.  I laughed heartily, yet severely when I told them I was bossy when necessary!!! They had to wear a hat!! "Choose one of these"... and a gilet and a coat or jacket... "Choose from these" is what I said!!!   "You can shed them as you get warmer."   They did not understand this use of the verb 'to shed'.  So they worked for an hour and I took them coffee and Epiphany cake.   Then they worked another hour and a half and I made them Red kidney bean and Red pepper soup, lemony with sage, served with ciabatta. Pear tart was to follow!

I explained to these two that in January, despite my own rules which I break,  the weather is inclement for starting much before 9 or 10 in the morning. One awaits the sun rising above the village roofs to shine on my garden!
BUT WOW... today they forked over and weeded three sections of my potager AND made the fourth quarter ...  all this in addition to work on Tuesday and Wednesday where they have finished widening the rose and lavender bed! How I love them! In addition, they moved weeds to the trailer (dechetterie trip next week) and moved logs exposed to rain when wind whipped off the bache to the space in the sheltered area where logs have disappeared since October!

POSTSCRIPT TO SUSAN's comment below:
The soil appears to be remarkably friable this year ... most of it only needed a light fork even though it was of course wet with the amount of RAIN we have endured!  Hey ho! My back has been saved and what would have taken four weeks 'potager' digging has been achieved in a few days. I did a few rows of forking over to demonstrate technique!  Last year or the year before I added a lot of 5 year old chicken manure... I also added wood ash from the woodburner, wood shavings and oak bark dust once I have sieved the oak bark.  Waste veg matter is just dug in randomly!  I don't bother to compost!

Meanwhile, whilst monitoring progress in the garden, I discovered my son's school reports plus his photographic accomplishments...so am sorting those into a chronological order and boxing up!!!!!!!!

My Italian helpers went to sleep. I took a fast walk, whereupon at apx six pm, for it is still daylight 'twixt twilight, I became aware of bird song which I have not heard for so long. Then, Blackbird trilled. When I reached ' The American Way' I returned along the road from whence I had travelled. A tawny owl hooted hhhhhhhhhooooooo.  I felt full of the joys of Spring. So happy!!!!!!

Today, the artisan came to instal a shower screen... the para-douche!  I only waited three days.   It was bought at the end of October.  Previously, I never found one that I liked. Now I've completed the action but the glass tiles I think do not have the correct grouting. Hey ho!  BUT ...How glad I am!!!!!!!!  It's another hymn I am remembering!!

Glad that I live am I;
That the sky is blue;
Glad for the country lanes,
And the fall of dew.

After the sun, the rain,
After the rain the sun;
This is the way of life,
Till the work be done.

All that we need to do,
Be we low or high,
Is to see that we grow,
Nearer to God on high.

Book Review: The Sea Change

by Elizabeth Jane Howard was tricky to get into as each chapter was divided into the four characters speaking from their own perspective...I very much enjoyed it and romped through the last several chapters. This was an orange Penguin edition number1752.  Towards the end I wondered how much of it was a reflection of the experiences of the author!  The novel explores emotions of those who lose parents when they were small, so feelings of abandonment, rejection and bereavement.

Daily life review: Two consecutive days to attend two funerals... senior residents of the village... one had died immediately on contact with the ground a tragic fall from a height... he shouldn't have been where he was at his age!) another who had been housebound for many years finally succumbed. VERY SAD. She once owned my house.  It was interesting to see into a vault and not as macabre as I suspected... all very automatic with the French as we processed to the daughter and family to offer our sentiments.  I don't wish to be laid in the earth! Scatter me amidst the ocean!  Meanwhile I must "Seize the day for the end will come."

On a happier note it was a delight to see a child aged six who believes he will never have wrinkles  tuck into a Superheroes themed birthday cake.  I didn't see the one he took to school!  I couldn't unravel the licorice spirals, which were bought to make a spider web design, nor did I wish to make red icing with additives. A paper image sufficed for cake decoration!  He was chuffed!  I bought Smarties, surprised at how few red ones there were and how few blue ones.... the most common colours were green, yellow and orange.  Fatal to have Smarties or M&Ms available in my house!  Pure sugar. I prefer 70-80% dark chocolate with my morning coffee! The price of a Superheroes magazine containing small toy in a cellophane packet was another surprise, but a lot less than a packet of superheroes type Lego or other toy!  It all seems so outrageous - more than I try to spend on my weekly wine pleasure!   His face was a picture and impressed that I had made it just for him... though we all ate a slice!

This That and Other

Keeping busy. Trying hard not to let unwanted thoughts take hold of the mind is easier when the sun is shining as it has done for a few days. Today, trickling fine mist is rather annoying, as I had hoped to accomplish more weeding.  Yesterday, in glorious sunshine, I saw good progress whilst clearing nettle, ivy and all sorts from near the wire fence which divides my garden from part of an ancient orchard that is not mine but at one time I tried to buy.  Unusually, I listened to my ipod but being not techno-minded I realise there has to be a way of carrying it, but not in one's pocket where every movement on the sensitive button changes the volume or the track!  There has to be a better system of listening than using the earplugs which I haven't used before! They fall out of my ears separately or together whilst I am moving! 
Monday was mowing day.  I brought the petrol mower down from the other land to use the petrol before winter, and because the other lawn was mown more recently than the house lawn.  I forgot to secure the accelerator bar with string and so after an hour of holding tight AND pulling the starter cord, my wrist was caput! Sprained more badly than before, so that even getting dressed has been awkward and slow, but also writing and cleaning teeth have demanded the use of the left hand and playing the piano ..hmmm... left hand only aussi!   This injury was also as a result of helping a man carry a secondhand two seater sofa that I didn't wish to see anymore in my garage... it was heavy and in relatively good condition considering its age.  It arrived there when I thought it was on the trailer for an Emmaus delivery when my 'friend' sold his house earlier this year.  Several times I advertised it to no avail!  This man took the secondary glazed units and will remake them with new glass.  Ooohhh I never thought of that, yet  pride myself on recycling ideas.
HOWEVER, I was exceedingly happy to have done 'giveaway'. The English depot-vente man from an hour south seemed happy too!

I finished watching throughout a few days, the whole of Series one: THE FALL which I found on the internet.  Pity, I must wait to access Series two!   

Tuesday left me feeling rather full of woe in acute pain but onwards!  There was no one else to move logs to the side of the woodburner.  With left hand moving logs to box or bucket, the devised carrying method was to hug the receptacle! Later, there was an opportunity to sort craft materials, do Admin, ordered root roses, etc.

I found embroidery made by my son when he was eight and three... and canvas embroidery in various states of unfinished and finished but not mounted, so there is work to do rather than writing and typing.  I am being slow, inefficient and without sufficient oomph behind me! I think it's easier with company!
Wednesday was extremely exciting.  I treated the day as a WORK DAY! Dressed in black with heeled shoes, a Wallis jacket with bronzed lining circa 1990s and a red art scarf bought in Chatellerault at enormous price, rarely worn on account of the colour,  though I SHOULD wear it more often, was my way of gaining confidence.   I stood before a microphone.  Suddenly, all those days of feeling confident, nay, HAVING to feel confident even when a crisis had happened, and without a real plan of what I was going to say to the 120 kids, plus staff and parents before me in the assembly hall or at PTA events or school concerts, came rushing through the ether in memory! I saw them all before me.  WOW.... I did that... THAT was me! I was the Acting Headteacher for one term and later for five terms too much!
We did three takes. I wore headphones. I stood just so in front of the mike.  I was told not to move because any rustle of clothing or movement of feet could be heard.  I questioned the opening words "Dear Friends"  because it starts on a hard consonant.  I wondered if there were other words. He liked "Hello everyone" and as long as I didn't aspirate the H too much it worked well!  We were giggling. Him in French and me in English! He was delighted with take three but even happier on take 4 and we nearly stopped there... but I wanted to experiment with inflection, space between words as well as tone of voice. He wanted the voice to be bright and uplifting! After another three takes he thought he had what he wanted in take 4 and take 7.  He was decided. Me too. We agreed. He turned off the machine but I asked again to listen and yes Take 4 was it!   Ten little words recorded in about ten minutes. The recording is for the New Year Message of La Fausse Compagnie who wanted an English voice, not a French one!

I realise that my voice has been and is an asset.... now where can I gain employment for it?

Up, down and rescued

I hate feeling 'down' but I had slept an extra three hours, after being 'up' and out at a beautiful concert the night before.  Today, I lay lazily in bed because it was so cold!  I'd lit the fire at 8h30 when CAT decided she wished to go out. Invitingly, warm bedlinen cossetted me, tea and toast!  After coffee, email and news updates, the mind was overwhelmed with thoughts trudging in the mire of my mind. I was needing to communicate, yet be alone.  Tasks and stuff seem to crave my mind for attention.  The stuff needs to be sorted, and sorted it is being, but it does seem to be a slow process at this stage.  Then I wonder is it all worth it! When maybe I wish to be out and about elsewhere but these responsibilities keep me tied to the security, saftey and haven of my poperty. Then, when I think that other stuff left here isn't mine, and that the person to whom it belongs has almost total freedom within that person's limited financial capacity then my mind becomes scrambled.

I am wondering what is next and how to achieve it! Planning is tricky!  I suppose I have been somewhat spoilt by having had somewhere here very part time in the last four years to help me.  Now gone!

A few days ago, all seemed positive whilst happiness and achievement surged whilst I amended and printed hard copies of writings stored on the laptop...
My story had started... but of course more paper only adds to that which is higgledy piggledy in boxes.  A jumbled mind creates a jumbled life or vice versa... yet, I am determined to get it done and also realise that perhaps I have a slight obsession with trying to keep rooms clear and as organised as I can be!  This is after years of muddle!

Ola! Knocking on my door was my dear friend. She is wonderful. I had just started to get a grip, having put on my jacket to go out (garden or road?) when I told myself to clear the washing / wiping up, so that the clean and tidy kitchen would be motivating on my return.  She came to invite me to accompany friends to a much-loved restaurant as she had to go to London.  How kind!  Then seeing me 'down' she invited me for 'moules and beer' for lunch! How very kind! How I hugged her!  Spirits were raised immediately. She said I had to get out! But getting out means I don't do the things I need to do and piles of stuff mount up and so it all becomes a vicious circle (in my head!)
As HER friend says " Don't worry about stuff, life is short, be with friends, have fun!"
I walked home before 4pm.
Apart from the small glass of red at the Theatre yesterday and the beer today I have managed one whole week without drinking alcohol at home!  I think I can have some with my meal at the restaurant!  But then when I met my friend's friend she had done alcohol free for 31 days of October.... 

Distraction..

is a wonderful thing...
but...
what does it achieve?
Thought for the day.. as I try TO DO!

Diary

Lots of jobs which take me too long as mind drifts to people, places, events!
Hair cut makes me feel better. 
Caught up on gossip and did you know that English Christmas Crackers are filtering through to France and have made it to Noz.  I love Chatellerault. Investigated what's on at the cinema. Unfortunately, nothing coincided with my visit.
New idea: I could live there in the right classy apartment!
Neighbours have moved to La Rochelle for work but still own their house here.
No more barking mad dog!
Slid mattress down curvy stairs after I carried single pine bedstead!  All ok until it stuck by the ceiling of the Salon and neither upwards or downwards would it move!  I went to the road, determined to ask anyone for help, waited for moments but not a soul existed.  Nothing for it but to try again and squeeze through the gaps for better vantage. Then down it comes, not taking me with it! Just a few bruises on the legs. Pride in success of doing it alone!  When the workawayers come and my cousins at same time I need to sleep 5 in a two bedroom, two salon house but will manage to have six placements not counting airbeds and settee... "Anything is possible in France" especially when one's friend returns all one's previous belongings and his for storage, including two single beds whilst he travels in Asia! Couldn't have happened in a modern UK terraced box!he would have needed a yellow storage container!
Freaked out today driving along when I knew I was on the right hand side of the road as a large French woman in her car ignored two sets of bollards on her side and came right for me!!!!!!!She didn't blink!
A week ago I inadvertently drove on the left hand side of the road and wondered why the driver behind me appeared to wish to overtake me on the hill up to the High Town from the bridge :} as I made comment ....aaaaagh a car is approaching me ... woops... memory lapse! 
Wet lawn mowed. One to go!
Butternut squash tickled...I am getting the hang of doing that... and fruits are hanging in rose bushes...
Giant potatoes are dug up as well as tiny ones. English main crop! 
Kinestherapist says I must not slump, nor sit too long, but need to do exercises more frequently!  What had I been doing to cause the aggravation she asks! Increasingly awoken in the night by fibromyalgia pain in the shoulders, something about the nervous system works in the night whilst muscles relax, then muscles have pain during the day. It means my sleep is disturbed...Is that all?

Good to walk again, stretching ham strings, seeing new fields, eating cinnamon and vanilla cake sandwiched with lemon curd after an extremely healthy and generous salad from friends.
Lovely two days!
This is me being positive. 

I love food challenges!

It's been more than 15 days since I returned from 'the two isle' vacation.
I am determined that for the next three to four days I shall not shop for food! 
So that will make 20 days of no shopping for food.   What a challenge!
I have consumed all of the fish bought on Ile de Re, (plaice today, sole tomorrow) Leclerc French lamb on promotion, Magnum ice-creams also on offer at Intermarche, home-made savoury bread, shop wholemeal bread, plus other leftovers including CCC cakes stored in the freezer.
I've eaten all the fruit and vegetables bought on the Ile de Re, plus, from my garden I have eaten butternut squash, the last of the limp lettuce, yellow raspberries, courgettes and potatoes, as well as vegetables left in the fridge since August guest food shopping!
I've tried to minimalise alcohol even though and I keep a stash of wine. Just white remains!
I've been supplied with croissants and treated to an amazingly fantastic meal out,  shared lunch with friends, etc.
There are fresh apples, onions, shallots, garlic, potatoes to use up plus canned, jarred, dried store-cupboard ingredients including milk stored in the cold room, as well as meat, fish, pastry, in the freezer, a little cheese and miscellaneous items such as butter, mayonnaise, Pimms, Martini, Ikea herring, anchovies, olives in the fridge. Plus a stash of vintage marmalade and other jams made this summer. It is almost obscene how much food is in this house!
Eggs have run out!
Green veg has run out! 
Those last two are vital to healthy survival but I will manage without until Saturday!
The purse has recovered a little from 'in the red' for many months!
Feeding Workawayers to a high standard meant a lot of food was bought!  The next ones are veggies and I am determined to eat almost vegan for a week...another food challenge... I have done that before.
In the past three weeks. I haven't starved.  I haven't suffered.
How abundant is The Good Life! 
I still need to reduce what I eat but it's a fine balance to keep protein and energy levels high!

Les Araignées

I have two rooms that are used infrequently. There are closed shutters on closed doors until I open them to let in fresh air.  It is quite strange not to have windows as in England that can be opened.
I vacuumed three weeks ago.  After my holiday, busy elsewhere in the house, I didn't make up the beds until today.  I presumed the rooms were reasonably clean.  I'd looked two weeks and a week ago but had not seen SPIDERS.
When I vacuumed today there were so many, it was embarrassing! Anyone would think I am slovenly which is not completely true, however it is true that I find it increasingly harder to keep control of tidiness! I get involved in other things!
Some spiders, were discernibly black and others were not visible until up close. Webs too!  I was horrified, as I do my best to keep the house spider free! After a little while I returned to vacuum again as others had appeared! Where do they come from?
It is annoying that a musty smell must come from stone walls behind the plasterboard walls. I don't like it and haven't been able to eradicate it. The fabric of the rooms is definitely not damp but maybe I will re-instal the portable humidifier as I have some Workawayers arriving late October and that is where the young girls will be guests for a week.  The woodburner in that part of the house will be lit, so I will have to keep an eye on it in their 'apartment' as I wish to protect the oak floorboards!
And ... after all that ... I persuaded myself to get back into the saddle for an hour long circuitous ride. I will need to do some training in situ if I am ever  going to achieve a dream of cycling the Loire Valley and if poss ... into the East!!!!!! Camping along the way on a very low budget!

Getting tidy!

This week must be spent on getting tidy.
I have spent two days on and off working through apparently useless but useful junk in the atelier workshop.
I do not like house renovation.  I sometimes think I could move to a clean modernist home ... but I suspect that if I lived in a sterile environment I would make a mess and be extremely unhappy.  I sort of did it once. It was so easy to maintain! I had to have a place for my belongings!

The atelier is really a bodged lean-to and is half exposed to the elements.  It is fairly dry apart from the concrete floor above a water 'cisterne' collecting rainwater from guttering. I now realise it must have an overflow pipe, but where is it?  I need a laser torch, courage and assistance to put my head down the hole and see what is there.  The water level never seems to rise above about 2 metres deep despite the deluge of rain we get!   I have no idea what the cubic metre is! 
The concrete floor is beginning to break up particularly over what seems to be the metal bars of the cisterne. The concrete floor is damp! I would have taken the whole structure down but it is a dry though humid storage area for bikes and mower etc.  The roof is corrugated asbestos... leave well alone as it will be costly to remove.   No plans yet, although if I could afford it, which I can't, it would make a great kitchen diner!
An unused leftover quantity of oak flooring is stored plus 'useful wood' to one who was replacing single glazed windows with double glazed units, plus garden equipment and central heating radiators. The latter could now be replaced on the walls, even though I don't intend to connect with the oil fired central-heating system installed in the property. I know it works!

Some stuff was thrown out,  some assigned to car boot stuff stored in attic. 
The rest got tidied. It feels better! It wasn't a nice job!
The sun is shining on Sunday Sunday ... I am missing friends and company.
I have a frustrating dilemma as my son appears to be ignoring me. I wished to see him again to try and smooth the waters! 
Thank goodness my daughter seems to have forgiven me and although she can't afford to come here at half term we are on speaking and email terms again!
Onwards! Now the attic, AGAIN!!! The aim is to move the boxes so I can see the floor!

More than Wonderful days

Out of an abyss of darkness, comes light.
It is an expression for how the MIND gets it wrong...
for how negative thoughts, self-talk are not necessarily the truth, and how they work against positive thinking and create depression, resentment, anger even.
Chattering of the mind can be destructive to positive interaction.

"Think happy thoughts" is another expression.
I believe it is true that we are what we think and I know how negative thinking can take an enormous grip on the mind and affect behaviour.

I believe THE CURE is to be with others: it is essential to mental well-being. Also to have interests that absorb the mind, few problems to resolve, and a degree of purpose as well as creativity.

I am very lucky.
I MUST hold onto that notion for when self doubt takes hold.
No more outpourings MUST be my target.

To be mindful of moving a 'now' to 'a future', however challenging that may be on a daily basis,  means to dwell not in a past of 'yesterdays', unless it's to remember the GOOD TIMES. Not to wallow but to cherish. I don't know how to do it!
BUT THE GOOD NEWS is that:
there have been many more than wonderful moments, experiences, gifts of the soul received and given, and days, days, days when the man in the white coat is not needed. ***

I MUST  'turn around' with a little help from my friends.

THANK YOU to each and every friend who has suffered my darkness and yet who has realised my goodness enough to wish to be with me. THANK YOU! 

I feel a turnaround. Darkness is just a few steps mis-trodden; a few steps back.
So I need to step forward again and "Think happy thoughts".
I love being happy! Stay, happiness stay!

Days by  Philip Larkin ***

What are days for? 

Days are where we live. 
They come, they wake us 
Time and time over. 
They are to be happy in: 
Where can we live but days? 
Ah, solving that question 
Brings the priest and the doctor 
In their long coats 
Running over the fields.

It is true.