Homage to a Mouse

I am sorry little mouse

that I killed you in my house

In truth I had no choice

For you had no human voice

To tell me you were sorry and were alone like me

Far from all your friends and mousey amity.

Possibly you knew

that your shelter in the wall

was doomed to meet your fall.

I truly am most sorry pretty little mouse

That I had this deed to do in my lovely old stone house

To hear the trap snap shut

Whilst your precious life was cut

‘Twas the end of mousey company

With your small sweet face staring up at me.

I saw your body throbbing

It made me shed a tear

For YOU never had much fear.

You were a brave and sturdy mouse

Friendly it is true.

Now I hope that in my house

There isn’t another mus musculus mouse like you.
Je suis desolée. 

It was Day 5 of Mousey living in my house and today I bought new smaller traps with bright shiny metal parts and a packet of mouse paste in paper sachets. I hadn't seen these before.  
A sad evening! 

Sturdy Mouse

Next day     Eeeeeeeeeeek!!!!!   

Mus musculus hasn't popped its clogs!!!!!!
The battle continues to be fought!
I declare it is the same mouse and it will have to go clip clippety clop and hop it! 

I'd heard sounds with no sighting, then screamed slightly as it/he/she surprised me earlier than anticipated this evening, as it scampered across the floor.  It scurried to the ledge behind the wall under the sink cupboard which has no door₁. I've removed all the gubbins so I can see where it goes!  Whilst I ws out all day it touched the bait, making several piles of seeds across the floor.  Maybe not to his taste. He would prefer Cheddar!

I have a bucket, a slippery-sloped, wooden runway reaching from the floor to the opening of the bucket, plus a gardener's kneeling pad as a not-so-steep runway, (better to get its claws into), where the humane trap is perched with peanuts inside, ready to topple into the bucket, when the little mouse with clogs on weighs in! The theory is that it will not be able to leap out of the orange B&Q bucket, which I recommend are the best unlidded buckets in the world! 
Footnote ₁     
There now exists a very good reason to instal a modern kitchen sooner rather than later. Cupboards and drawers that cannot be accessed by mice and spiders are a necessity! 

Of Mice and Men

Steinbeck wrote a brilliant story but perhaps Robert Burns should be respected for his contribution to my post title.

Yesterday I was tired of mouse.

In the morning the good news was that I found my granddaughters's lost toy cat wedged between the wall and the iron bedstead where she had wanted to share with gran'maman on the last two nights of her stay.  How sweet!!! We did 'top and tail' like I used to do with my sister when we stayed at my nanny's house when I was little! She liked to have her feet stroked!

Now, I need a real cat.

A few days ago as I sat in the kitchen I saw the "sweet little mouse" (give me a sugar mouse) run across the courtyard into the grand salon.  Whoosh, it was in!  I managed to shoo it out immediately...but creatures of habit it ventured in again, when it would not oblige to be caught or go out of the door. It then played hide and seek with me as it ran around the grand salon!  I thought I'd blockaded it into that room by closing all the doors, when a few days later I saw it scamper across my kitchen floor one metre away from me, as I sat, quiet as a mouse, looking at the internet! I was convinced it was the same one!
This morning I heard a new noise in my kitchen as i silently sat. I tracked it down to a kind of nibbling by the side of the fridge. As I stood there listening, my foot involuntarily kicked the side of the cabinets, after the noise had stopped.  Later, being concerned and feeling silly because I should have taken action a few days ago, even though I thought that this room, a laundry-cum-larder had absolutely no holes at ground level or indeed anywhere.  Nevertheless I started to investigate.  I opened the buanderie door and there were the nibblings ... it had eaten the plastic sheeting below the kitchen floor tiles.  A small finger sized hole was there, so I mixed up some cement and scraped it into the hole.  This part of the wall was revealed when we had to remove the wooden panels from the disgustingly, awful room to make it serviceable. There is a step down from the kitchen to the laundry/larder.  Although my friend had roughly and temporarily sealed this skirting board type area it had never been completely finished on account of the door butting up to it AND because I was waiting to see what improvements I would make to the kitchen floor. If you have ever renovated then out of view is out of mind!!!!   
After two hours I am tired of mouse!  VERY tired because  one thing leads to another.
The mouse has travelled through the tunnel of a grey plastic pipe carrying the copper water pipe to the washing machine and boier, where, on the other side of the wall, which is about 60cm thick,  it has nibbled at the plaster and/or polystyrene in the wall to make an entry into the larder!  It is a tiny finger sized hole in the corner of the room behind the copper pipes.  So, I have stuffed the hole with aluminium foil, as the hole is awkwardly positioned and why it has no plaster in it!  Mice evidently don't like aluminium!  On the kitchen side I stuffed the grey plastic pipe with more aluminium foil.
Not only that, I removed the base boards of the hideous kitchen units, vacuumed and mopped whatever rubble, spider webs and grunge has been under there since before I moved in.  I checked that there was no food there!  The plastic legs look better and more IKEA style (haha) and now little mouse can't run back in for safety... 'cos that's where I saw he went!!!
Then  I checked my flour.  Fortunately, it is untouched, BUT the little *&$$%*  has nibbled my pat biscuits!!! 

That's it .... open warfare prevails

The mouse trap is set! No more Mrs Nice Lady with only the humane rescue trap I bought this morning to capture it and set it free 10 miles away.  Oh no!  Now it's the French guillotine and French mouse bait!  I realise mice are classed as vermin, carrying disease. 
Normally, I have rescued many a shrew or mouse in my hands from the claws of Big Feet and Little Feet, queens in the feline world!  It is kind to rescue a living creature, but now I'm aware that it/he/her could be anywhere along the polystyrene backed plasterboard forming my interior walls, chewing away.....I hope it gets constipation and starves to death!!!!!!!
About 19h 30 / 20h I watched Houdini mouse go in and out of the humane mouse trap collecting peanuts in butter and a piece of ham. I hope it chokes! And still I think it's cute!

The following day becomes Warfare day!    
1. I emptied drawers and washed the cutlery that was in one drawer as mouse has been eating the plastic straws!

2. I put mouse bait on pieces of aluminium foil in the kitchen, laundry room, grand salon and courtyard as I am not sure if I have one or many!  
3. Plus there is an inhumane wooden Lucifer mouse trap set with a piece of cheese!
As I edit this posting, it, that is, THE MOUSE, has stolen the cheese from the trap despite the fact that it was LOADED. 
AND SO....
4. I have removed the trap from the floor and left the poison bait, which it has been nibbling as scattered seeds have been disturbed from the aluminium tray.

I am watching it this very moment and have taken snaps!  Pity it didn't snap into the trap so I could release it 10 miles away!  Hopefully it will die! I am letting it have a good feast as I finish this posting.  Meanwhile I am unable to prepare my own evening meal. Better for Mouse to have a feast and for me to go hungry!

Earlier this evening.
Whilst on the telephone, I heard tinkerings in the bedroom wall so after the call, I took off one sandal, used the upper surface, (last time I used the sole creating dusty foot prints over the paintwork), and thwacked the wall, so much so that plaster has fallen off the wall.  Whatever was there is eating or moving the polystyrene backed plasterboard.  My advice would be not to use that!!!!! but it was here when I bought the house and the stone walls were drylined in 1985.
If it is a foine they do not like noise so it had better scamper elsewhere before it hibernates. 
I heard it last Autumn and in the Spring!
If it is a mouse it had better scoot quickly to the mouse bait or traps.

MICE DEBATE: Is it better to kill, rescue or transport a mouse to another habitat? 

A Tale of Two Duvets

Today is the day when duvets will be cleaned at the launderette as a treat because although they are not dirty as such they have not been cleaned for more years than I would like to confess.  This has been for a number of reasons,  too lengthy to mention.  However, with a second comfortable bed with its own duvet in another room and with warm weather forecast for the next few days, it’s time for transporting two bulky luxury king size feather duvets.

I had already discovered that at the launderette in the larger town, 30km journey, the cleaning of one duvet would cost me 32e, Nearer , 7km journey, it would cost about 26e. Without procrastination, I head to the launderette at a nearby market town, 8km, because in the past I received courteous and helpful service. Being petrol conscious, the drive could incorporate a visit to the market to purchase vegetables, fruit and fish because I am TRYING to keep to a diet.

On arrival, I enquire cheerfully about the price and am told 40 euros per duvet.  Oh dear! With an um and ah I decide to go ahead, even though, perhaps, I could buy a new one, appreciatively lesser quality, for a little more than 80 euros!  He is going to wash the duvet rather than chemically clean it and is telling me that the feathers will bulk together. I understand!  I ask him why he is not going to chemically clean it ... but I do not fully understand, yet he says it would still be wet. Then having filled in his form and taken my name I ask when they will be ready.  I have not yet paid!  He announced September 15^th, which is in 20 days!!!!!!!  I exclaim that this is far too long as I am expecting visitors and the weather might change but NO… the monsieur is not for turning!  I decide this is an unacceptable period for an unacceptable amount and tell him nicely that it is not possible and go to gather up my duvets.  As I do this, he surprises me. He BANGS his hands down on the counter and screws up his form, throwing it across the room behind him!  I quietly say “Ooh la la monsieur, Ooh la la”. As I exit the door I call breezily “Bon journée.”  
What amazed me is that:

Le monsieur was working at his crossword page when I arrived and clearly was not pressed at Le Pressing!  

What is it about a very teeny, tiny proportion of French people who appear to not wish to accommodate a service for their business!!!!!!!!

This happened with a local restaurant recently. We arrived at 20h30 and were refused service because although they were only three people, they had been working since 8am, were tired, plus the proprietress said they had run out of food as it is almost the end of the season and close at 21h!   It is still hottest August!!!!  However, at least they sold a take away pizza as this seems to be about all my 4 year old grand daughter who rarely sleeps wanted to eat!!!!!!!! 

At that restaurant I expressed surprise, saying that I thought custom is important for the survival of a business!  We would have spent at least 60 euros but it was their loss and ours too!
I made an omelette! 
LESSON OF THE DAY
In our region of France decide to eat earlier in the evening and book a table!  I know that but it was difficult to impress my family with this idea. Now they know!

A Festival of Books, Paper and Paraphernalia

Martin Lukins Accordionist

Martin Lukins plays The wedding of the Painted Doll.

 For almost 5 years this was my accordion teacher. I knew he was famous but did not know he had produced records.  I had regular lessons and used to try and practise scales  as well as pieces for often up to 4 hours a day if I could.  It was my escape route from the family and television. I sat in the front living room at the age of 10 hardly able to get my nose over the 100 bass instrument that I played today in the French village where I live.
I stopped having lessons when I was 12.  It was a shame because I was working on fast Italian pieces, musette style French tunes, classical arrangements such as William Tell and also playing in accordion band which was fun but I was not that keen. Later I joined a theatrical group and performed on stage. Later still I used to play at the outdoor fairs in a mock French costume with sparkles on my face.
I wish I could play as fast as him but I am content with what I do..it is my own style!!!!

Unexpected Saturday

Visitors came for morning tea in my rear garden.  I made coconut and almond buns. We sat talking for 2 hours before deciding it was time for lunch. We moved our seating position to La Place where to our surprise my English friends and their English friends were eating at different tables. We loitered for the next free table. The cycling race that had evidently been around the town earlier re-appeared in the town and then again.  Rather like the cyclists in the Tour de France they sped by! Back in my courtyard the thermometer was reading 50C+ in the full sunshine but within 15 minutes or so after 16h it had dropped to 45C. I moved it into the shade and at 16h30 it is reading 35C.   Chaud huh!

Aucun feu d'artifice dans un plus beau village

3rd August 2012

I started to post: 

Fireworks above a Chateau - a Pyromelodique Spectacular 2012

and wrote:

I hope it WILL be spectacular, as currently, at 16h, the rain is drizzling from the sky.  Hopefully, it will stop so that 6000 plus individuals will arrive to pay for the cost of the explosives, musical dialogue and organisation that is required. There is always the Fête Foraine but normally I skip the smell and noise because it is for families and friends and I've done my share of fairground attendance in my lifetime.

I have a new vantage point this year. I was invited to watch the chateau from a private house but they have not yet returned from their holiday.  Nevertheless, the mother has invited me and I am to go early. I shall take an onion tart and maybe a couscous and tomato salad!  They are easy to make.

BUT LATER on 10 August 2012 I posted: 

I have been told in both French and English that the decision was taken late afternoon to cancel the fireworks in this plus beaux village where over 6,000 visitors descend on the town.  So, instead of collecting revenue in the rain from those who arrived they decided there would be insufficient income to cover the costs. Therefore, the committee decided to pay for the set up and dismantling fees but not the fireworks.  Hm...despite the information that the Meteo forecasted rain for the evening ..... the sun shone. French meteo is not always reliable.  It was a splendid sky as I looked across to the chateau from a premium vantage point. Friends in high places you know!  My French host who speaks excellent English was in huge complaint as she has never in 60 years known a cancellation and wasn't it a pity when so many families like hers had the evening buffet ready for guests.  I was in complete agreement.  Without all her guests, we ploughed through my onion tart (she'd burnt pizza in an oven which she was not used to) and my couscous exemplaire, her wonderful cheeses, lettuce, tomatoes. She had cakes for the youngsters. Strawberries soaked in Sangria was wonderful!
And so... it was not an electrifying evening but very interesting for me. The people who arrived in the village for the evening must have been quite discontent. The next morning several signs that advertised the event were still on display but only one announced ANNULÉ.  It is a shame because this village needs to welcome visitors now that it is the 11th most popular of the 153..... There is a new village on the list. 
It is a small village, so the commune revenue must be small ... in my opinion they need to fund raise in earnest!

2010

Through the end of the rainbow

My dream cometh true... whilst cycling this evening, up ahead,  the huge watering monsters were showering maize only in one place as they do!!!!! The wind was blowing most of the water across my route so there was no opportunity to avoid the welcoming shower in a heatwave.  However, the end of the rainbow, which had been created in the rays of the sun, fell upon me as I cycled through, holding tight to my front panier lid so that the map did not get wet.  How I laughed but forgot to stop to dig for a pot of gold!

It does annoy me when many of these monster water piping systems are leaking water out of the feeding pipes directly into ditches.

Wish I had a photo!

A Bilberry Cake

.Life is not exact nor is the weight of these ingredients!

Preheat the oven to about 200C but all ovens are different.

My inherited ancient oven has no temperature .. just numbers!!!!!

So keep an eye on the cake, adjust temperature and timing as necessary.

I used a springform cake tin greased with butter or oil.

 

Cream together 150 g butter with 150 g sugar. Beat in 2 or 3 eggs with a large dollop of crême fraîche or milk. Add 1 or 2 teaspoons of vanilla or lemon essence.

In another bowl mix 150g ground almonds with 150g rice flour, spelt or wheat flour.

Add about 2 tsp baking powder and 200 grams bilberries.

Fold the wet mixture into the dry mixture and add extra milk if required to make a loosely thick batter that holds together....  The bilberries can be folded in after the flour but for me that would be two lots of folding in!   Pour the gloop into the tin and bake for 30-45 minutes until the cake is done. 

Once cooled, the cake could be covered with lemon icing but my palate is rather tired of such frivolous sticky messes and so a spoonful of crême fraîche or ice cream may suffice or nothing at all does suffice.  I tried two dollops as biscuits and mighty good they were.

Leisure

... for me is difficult to achieve. Really I am not sure what it means.  It is hard to sit and do nothing these days, although certainly this kind of heat helps.  BUT I DO... I sit and browse the internet until I am BORED... and this doesn't help me as the screen becomes an addiction. Working at a friend's house for four days has caused a certain exhaustion,  but I will rebound.  There are loads of jobs to be achieved, including sitting still if I can to do accounts, paperwork, planning, domestic duties, etcetera.
Exhaustion brings the first line of this poem into my head as I wonder about the meaning of life, which I know IS: BE HAPPY, HAVE FUN, KEEP MOVING, BE KIND TO OTHERS.
However, I envy those who appear to LIVE and JUST BE whilst seemingly having fun, doing not a lot. Oh, in England when in the company of a lot of people... there was time to natter, time to play with children, time to eat, time to have fun, time to have Leisure. 

Leisure by William Henry Davies

What is this life if, full of care, 

We have no time to stand and stare.
No time to stand beneath the boughs

And stare as long as sheep or cows.
No time to see, when woods we pass,

Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.
No time to see, in broad daylight,

Streams full of stars, like skies at night.
No time to turn at Beauty's glance,

And watch her feet, how they can dance.
No time to wait till her mouth can

Enrich that smile her eyes began.
A poor life this if, full of care,

We have no time to stand and stare.

The internet allows access to information, although I take some with a pinch of salt because not all of it is always factual. However, on Wikipedia we can read about this Welsh born poet.  The life of  W.H. Davies was quite remarkable for the man's determination to succeed in whatever he did, despite his atrocious injury. He had a colourful life which makes mine seem so dull.

Which brings a reminder of a traditional ditty that I used to play on the accordion when I was about 10 years old! Evidently it pre-dates the reign of James II, originating from a French chanson. I wonder which one? There are many versions but this one is from Yorkshire. 

  Begone Dull Care    
Begone, dull care! I prithee begone from me;  Begone, dull care! Thou and I can never agree.

Long while thou hast been tarrying here, And fain thou wouldst me kill;

But i' faith, dull care, Thou never shalt have thy will.

 

Too much care Will make a young man grey; Too much care Will turn an old man to clay.

My wife shall dance, and I shall sing, So merrily pass the day;

For I hold it is the wisest thing, To drive dull care away.

 

Hence, dull care, I'll none of thy company; Hence, dull care, Thou art no pair for me.

We'll hunt the wild boar through the wold, So merrily pass the day;

And then at night, o'er a cheerful bowl, We'll drive dull care away. 

Cicadas

Four o'clock in the afternoon south of the Loire valley in France

- it's so hot the cicadas (tree crickets) are singing their songs!
Six o'clock the next day and they are trilling in my back garden.

En Angleterre

It was rather hectic but I absolutely loved it.

I stayed a few days with my cousin's daughter and family and tried to support them in their latest angst. Then onto Sussex and the most delightful of cottages. I was lucky. It was a beautiful thatched cottage which I highly recommend to rent.  The owners were lovely and apart from a few mosquitoes I had a lovely time.....but then my own home is pestered with mosquitoes! Difference is I have a mosquito net!   I loved Arundel and Chichester.  So pretty, calm and assuringly steeped in history. I also visited Rye on my journey from Ashford to Littlehampton.  What an exquisite village.
Maybe I will tell you more about these villages in a later posting.

Apart from the prep for and clearing up of my son's wedding at which I did not help as much as I would have liked to .... (everyone did their bit)...  and apart of course from attending the lovely ceremony, I walked on a lovely SSI beach in Sussex. Then in Suffolk another SSI beach and how wonderful to be free from litter.

The next two weeks disappeared as quickly as the first two! Suffice it to say there was Englishness :

A day's journey to visit mother and brother
Barbecues and bunting 
Crabbing buckets with bacon
Dunwich 10 miles there and back
English scones and raspberry jam
Fish and chips, flying kites, flag on the sandcastles
Gigs in pubs
Hula hoops
Ice creams
James and Katie
Laughter as we climbed the lighthouse up and down the spiral staircase
Meals in pubs with Ad
Nams

Olympic torch flame carried past the cottage
Picnics in the dunes, paddling in the sea, promenade on the pier,
Questions from little ones and those who are so tall

Running along with wind in our hair
Shared meals
Tired people
Union Jack flags wherever we go
Umbrellas abandoned when rain stopped
Vicky and co aboard a river boat
Walks along beach to harbour, across common and marshes,

X,Y, Zee and Camarderie,

Thank you England and despite the weather I had a whale of a time and laughed for 4 weeks!

It's summer 'cos people are swimming in the river

... and I am working indoors at a friend's house... popping into the sunshine every now and then to top up the tan which has been peeling since the bare-armed walks on the windswept south and east coast UK.

Even the French lawn (grass) seems to tell me it has stopped growing and I don't know what to do about the Asiatique frelons at the bottom of the garden, which are probably minding their own business, but how many bees have they eaten today?

I posted important UK letters this evening: one to the UK tax office (well.. I have had to choose one of the three that are dealing with my situation!!!!) as I am trying to clear up the double tax conundrum. At last, they have agreed that the state pension can be taxed in France whilst my teachers' pension gets taxed in UK. They are to reimburse me! Good news!

Another letter to complain about my cottage rental... too boring to tell but suffice to say not up to my standard. I understand I am to receive a refund (yet more good news) but nevertheless I told the company that they would receive a letter for the proprietor!  Slugs on the kitchen floor and work surface was the end!!!!!!!

I thought the new proprietors of La Presse, that is the post office/shop/bar..... had forgotten all about me but they would like me to play for les anciens (who?... they mean the old boys!!!!!!!)  and so we have agreed on Saturday late morning after coffee for the first one and I told them to tell me to stop if it is not liked or it is too loud!  So now I have to practise. It's very much a summer instrument.  My doors / windows are wide open as it is summer and who knows who hears me because the Fort Knox gates shut out les voyeurs!  What am I going to play?   L'accordeon!

La Tour de France

I could watch LIVE on http://www.francetv.fr/sport/tour-de-france/direct    Merci beaucoup.
Felicitations a l'equipe d'angleterre.  WELL DONE Bradley Wiggins and Mark Cavendish.

Un petit circulation

It's a new expression that was said by a French neighbour yesterday as we met whilst they were a walking in the town. A very contented, calm, polite, elderly couple who have probably lived in this village all their lives.
Today I made a 19km cycle ride, just a small circulation! It was my first ride of the year as now one bicycle has been attended. I am sure though that despite correcting the derailleur gears they won't long and a new set will be required. However I now have strong tyres so perhaps they won't keep requiring a pump up!  I was out for nearly 3 hours but I did stop to have an ice cream and drink as well as consult the map at almost every junction of the chemins on my return journey.
I had a hard day. trying to keep on task with domestic duties... needing to protect my head from too much thinking again, I just had to sleep for 4 hours in the afternoon. I suspect the wonderful UK expedition is still catching up with me and I need to rest!  Late nights don't help!
Now I'm cooking okra which I found in UK but know that the larger French supermarkets have it.

Asian Hornets and the saga of the removal of a nest

I am advised to call in the Exterminator.  How annoying!
The droning surprised me when I was weeding.  I thought "Help! These are the nasty ones that we have been warned about",  but couldn't remember what they were called until my friend confirmed that they are indeed Asian Hornets soemetimes called Asian Waps.  Read what Planete Passion has to say! and Days on The Claise.  They kill bees.  I think I ought to try and eradicate the nest myself as I can't afford 100 euros for the pompiers (firemen).  Nevertheless I will report it to the Maire.  Normally, I would let insects be (hear the pun) but I certainly don't need a danger zone at the bottom of my garden!
I wonder why they are sometimes called Asian wasps when really they are hornets and I wonder if it is because of their Latin/Italian name: Vespa Velutina Nigrithorax
Postscript: A few days later .. I have decided to do it myself, under stealth at night when evidently they will have gone to bed!  I have bought the spray and will get donned up with protective clothing. Hopefully they will not see me!
Another postscript:  I have been wondering if the queen only flies to make new nests in Spring or whether it happens throughout the summer.  I need to research on HOW the queen makes the workers and guards!  I have forgotten my biology / zoology!
Postscript 20 July 2012: They appear to not be there.It's colder and there has been rain. However, I sprayed at 10.00 pm and not a murmur as I sprayed the nest.  It was difficult to spray the jet UP into the nest. Then I whacked the nest with a garden rake and ran like hell!!!!!
Postscript 21 July 2012 10 a.m. : Returning gingerly to the site I can see two frelons (hornets) within a hole in a breezeblock attending to an egg and I can see the honeycomb, signalling that the nest is behind the no more than 6 breezeblocks that define a wall between what has become my rockery and where I used to pile the lawn clippings on top of previous rubble. I knew this pile needed removal!  So now ... I realise that the part of the nest that I have removed was not a small nest but was merely the porch!  I will have to consider what to do and whether the spray that I have is sufficient. Me thinks not and that the spray will not penetrate deep into the nest. It is impossible to determine the size of it as it is concealed.  I got buzzed whilst I was LOOKING. The guard started circulating!  I retreated, deciding not to go near that area of the garden! Pretty scary...when recently a woman in France died from a sting!
Last postcript 26 July 2012:   We smoked them out with a trail of petrol to their nest set alight,  then hosed the nest inside the hole in the breeze block wall.  I will leave it for a day and then start to fork out the debris that is in the old grass cuttings and rubble pile in the corner of the garden... I need to get a wheelbarrow..... All this in scorching heat of the day when the cicadas are singing!!!!!!!

Effusive

A very dear friend describes me as effusive, verbose, and that I have outpourings.
Being wordy necessitates declaring emotions.  I am emotional.  My face/body language are easily read to gauge the level of happiness that I have for myself, others or a situation.  
It's how I am and has taken me a lifetime to accept.
I haven't always been able to verbally express myself  because I lacked vocabulary and was afraid of people's reactions and comments. The brain used to clog up!
Hence it is why, I write down thoughts and feelings to get them OUT of my HEAD, where, if they were to stay, confusion would reign. It's better than allowing them to fester inside my head and heart.
Over time, outpourings onto paper appear to bring sense to life or I then forget about the subject!
I am banned from writing overly much to friends and family who often deal with this by ignoring me, in effect silencing me and not writing back! They have sometimes said that I am mad and of course I am working on that!

I write personal STUFF in a journal.  I try to keep one journal book and date the entries/postings.  In the past there have been two or three on the go at the same time and not always dated so if I were to revisit them the chronology would be muddled.   Any reader including myself would be muddled reading the struggles that I vent!!!!! Ho hum!  


Often people have not described who I am or what I am except with reference to the sometimes zany, crazy, off-the-wall behaviour, when often I allowed their words to hurt me.  I can see that it was not their words that hurt but the way that I thought about what they'd said! I have also had lovely comments and sometimes used to cry because I did not know how to receive compliments! Sad!

To be described as verbose, or effusive is perhaps negative but because it identifies HOW I AM,  I see it as positive, supportive and defining.  My expression of  feelings and opinions in script or verbally helps me understand and feel more confident.  It is how I am.